I am not sure I am writing this in the correct place since I just joined! My son is almost 19, he graduated from High School this last June- getting him through High School was a real struggle! 13 years ago my older son who had major bi-polar w/psychotic features took his life , he was 18. My son's father walked out on us when he was 5, then he lost his brother through suicide. I have another son who is married and is really responsible and kind. My "almost 19 " year old son sleeps all day and stays up all night-he wants to be a pro skater (he claims, but I don't see him skating much, claims he hurt his ankle) he is a good skater, well known here, has sponsers and videos out. He smokes pot and claims he will never stop. He says he will work one day but needs time to pursue his "dream" of skating! I have worked very hard to always provide a good home for him - he was so traumatized from losing his brother that he slept w/me until he was in 2nd grade- I have always loved him so- he gave me $2,000.00 and I gave him my new honda and bought another one! I pay his car insurance and health insurance, I pay his cell phone but I told him I am going to quit in Sept.- he yells at me and speaks to me like he hates me-he cusses all the time-once in awhile he will come to me and try to be nice - then hes back to his usual self again- I feel like I am living with an abusive husband! I lock my bedroom door because I think if he hates me this much what is he capable of? This seems so unfair cause I went through so much with my other son when he was ill. My friends tell me to cut him off financially-if I tell him he will have to go he just say NO! I know alot of people will say boot him our or call the police-this is hard cause I had to call the police on my son that took his life many times-this hurts me to the core-what can I do? I have stress related conditions and I want to live again! I love my son as we all love our children but this abuse is too much for me!
I am so sorry for all you've endured, there is no greater loss than that of a child. Has your 19 year old been in therapy for all he's been thru? I think this plays a role in his behavior, and he sounds like he could have some depression as well. This is just my opinion, but his lack of caring and motivation says he is. He is obviously harboring a lot of anger and sadly it's being directed at you. This often happens when we aren't sure why we're angry or what to do with our anger, we take it out on those closest to us. But only a specialist can diagnose your son, I'm just speaking from my own experiences. I would suggest he go to therapy and then go from there. If he refuses then you have no choice but to give him a deadline as to when he has to be out and stick to it. This is when his cell phone gets turned off and his car insurance cancelled period! Don't argue with him, just tell him "it's not up for debate!" It's your house and you pay the bills, so YOU say when it's "light out" for the night, and if he wants to stay up all night, he'll have to do it in the dark. Just because he is your son does not mean you have to tolerate his abuse and disrespect. You've been thru just as much and it's time for you. As mothers we all want to know that our children are self sufficient, responsible adults before leaving this world, and your son will not be this if he is allowed to continue like he is. I'm not being judgemental, but you are "enabling" him to behave this way. I know it's out of love and fear, but it's really not helping him at all, and it's breaking your heart! He may get angry and not speak to you for awhile, but eventually he will see that you were right in doing what you did. I'd rather have a son not speaking to me and being a responsible, productive adult, then what is happening now. I know it's hard. Have you talked to a therapist about all this? I think you could use some help with doing what needs to be done. He knows you love him, and always will no matter how angry he gets, but right now he's playing on your big heart and fear. You don't deserve or need this, it's time for you to have a life and him as well. Talk to a specialist on how best to handle this so that when you do make him leave, you can have a clear conscience. I feel so bad for you, because when it's our children it's hard to make these kind of decisions, but you'll be doing him a big favor, and you can have some peace. God Bless and take care.
see a massage therapist to help with the anxiety. And honestly, as a child I can tell you that you can love us all you want, but you have to remember that you can't save us. He's displaying a lot of behavior that is just plain typical of a teenager/young adult. Remember that He is not his brother. He is unique. Yes it is very painful as a parent to treat your child as an adult and force them to accept their consiquences good or bad. . . But he MUST accept them. You can not save him from them. And enabling him only makes it worse. He hurts about his brother as much as you do. Give him the space to be his own person and don't hold that over his head. He is clearly hurting. Maybe see if He'll go with you for massage and recieve cranial/sacral therapy. It has been known to assist with emotional trauma's, and unresolved issues. I have used it, and performed it for many of my clients.
As a professional massage therapist I can tell you that good touch can change many things. You need to receive some good touch. You need to finish the mourning process and help your son finish his. It's hardest to finish when the person is taken from us in the manner your son was. It must happen! You both must let it go. A good massage therapist will be sensitive to your needs, the situation, and will be able to create an environment for healing. This is vital for both you and your son. Take a stand for yourself and take charge of your wellness.
I also say you need to get out of the situation. If you tell him he has to leave by (x) date, if he says "No," and you don't want the police and all the hassle of trying to force him out and being fearful of him and all, I would consider selling the house and leaving, yourself. I know that might sound ridiculous to you and it is certainly more trouble than having the police throw your son out, but you sound like you can't cope with the idea of throwing him out, and breaking up this situation is more important than anything else. Your mental health is certainly more important than the continuing strain and hassle and fear in the name of supposedly loving your son.
i am going threw something the same i have given my son everything most of all love and my heart and he has this hate for me at times and talks and swears at me such hurtful shut ups he tells me get out of hear leave me alone i dont understand where it comes from i try to think where in life i hurt him for him to have this dislike and disrespect for me i cant argue or fight for respect from him anymore all i know is im so happy when he is nice i keep praying one day it will just stay and he is happy with me always i will keep striving for that for i love him so very very much
My son does the same thing. I sacrificed for him and gave him my love and energy and everything I had. He treats me horribly. His therapist says he has anger issues and that he treats me that way because he trusts me to not abondon him and knows that I am the only person he can lash out at and I'll still be there. the therapist says to not full the arguing by yelling back, but just to calmly say that his behavior is not acceptable. And if I have to remove my self from the room, then do that. but to stay calm about it.
I am suffering the same experience. My son is 18 and very abusive verbally. I love my son but scared its turning to hate. I have asked and told him to leave but he point blank refuses. His sister who is a year older can't stand being in the same room with him as he is very nasty to him also. Dad works away alot and all he can say is throw him out but its not that easy. He is not abusive in front of his dad.
i wish i could tell you 'it gets better', but in my experience it doesn't get better, it just gets different. i think it has to do with this generation of kids. i really do. i did the same thing and sacrificed everything for my kids and it made them worse. it really did. i have friends that don't do anything for their kids and they love her more than mine do me. my dad once told me 'the more you give them, the worse they will be' and i think he was right. my son is now on his own, but the things he has done to me in the past will never leave my mind. i will never get past it. i try and hide it, but it has to show.
It is really hard to become a parent and it is even harder to see your kids being disrespectful to the people whom granted them life and who took care of them when they were still young.
Aren’t kids supposed to be out of the house when they reach 18? I am not saying that you should kick your kids out of the house, but it’s high time for them to acknowledge and accept responsibility. Have you tried talking with them? Did they listen? If not and if the communication line between the two of you is already been severely cut, you can seek professional help. Do you plan to allow your kid to take pot? Have you thought of sending him to rehab. Parents can really do as much as they can to help out their kids in entering the real world and the real life, but kid’s needs to be responsible with their lives too. If you feel like you have already exerted all your efforts on your young adult and still nothing has improved, it’s time for someone to move out and finally get a life. Do not put yourself in a situation where you have to endure this and that when in fact, you should be relaxing and enjoying retirement. If you have already done everything in teaching them to be responsible, then it is time to impose to them their need to be responsible with their lives.
I don't know if this will help anyone but I had a similar problem with my child. He was sneaking out, being disrespectful, his Dad was no help at all. I called the police and they came and talked to him about the way he was acting. Surprisingly it worked. After that I had no problems with him going out at night and staying out all night or acting out.
I am not saying this approach will work on every child.
It can't hurt.
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