Depression Community
kind of mixed up;
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kind of mixed up;

I have been with you for a while now.  I feel that I am not getting better.  today was a bad day.  I cant seem to pull myself together.  I am quitting medhelp.  I will miss all of my sweet friends,  I just don't feel like talking any more.  im just so tired and don't  want to even think about what I am going through.  thanks for being there for me. good luck to all of you and the best of health.  I don't know what to do.  good luck.
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Oh Mandy,  I am so glad that we were able to share together.  It is so hard to lose people that you love.  You were a great treasure to your mother.  And you were a very great daughter to her.  I told my mother again and again, that she must be with me after she died.  I think that she is. You will laugh at the reason why I think that she is.  When I was terribly grief stricken and appealed to my dead grandmother about 20 years ago, I heard an answer that I would not have thought of in a million years and it was so offensive to me, that I thought that it must be from my grandmother.  When I told my mother about it, she said that her mother, my grandmother had always had bad timing.  LOL.  But that convinced me that the dead are with us, although I've never had any sightings or conversations with my mother as a lot of people do, but they don't talk about it.  

The love from the people we love though, stays in our spirits.  I can't find my copy of Kahlil Gibran's, "The Prophet" book.  But it says something like, Look deep into your heart at your sadness, and know that it is really a mirror of the joy that you had previously.  

I also have been on Effexor and had to raise it when my depression got terrible, which cleared it up.  Now I am on its upgraded version, Pristiq.  But I know that I need to take it for the rest of my life.  I feel for you. I know it is very hard.  But I really hope that you can find some more peace in your life.    Sara
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Hi I would not leave..I am in my 7 month and I feel some strange emotions too!! I am 56 and have used off and on all my life..I had always walked away from it..I just thought it was a party..Until the opiates and methadone got me..I know here in N Idaho the Weather plays a big part on the Depression..So come back so we can talk..OK????
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The forum provides a places to vent, listen to others, learn new things and support others. We can not make you better, only you and your medical support system can do that. It is unrealistic to expect an online support group to fix your problems. That said, they can provide ideas for you to try to make your situation better.
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You say that you don't know what to do.  Have you talked to a doctor about your feelings?  You need medical help.  You can turn away from MedHelp, but don't turn away from medical help.  We all wish you the best.
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I am new to Medhelp but I know what it feels like to not want to talk when you're not having a good day. If you have the strength the most important thing is contacting your doctor right away to ask for help. Get an appointment as soon as possible. Another really great site is Goodtherapy.org, not only can you read other peoples stories but its a place to find a good therapist. Good Luck.
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my doctor is not a good listener.  I tell him my problems and he asks what I think he should do.  I guess he would give me any pills I wanted,  I want to be me and happy again.  it has been a long time,  I lost my dad then I had breast cancer then my hubby died.  my mom kept me going she needed me.  I had to keep going.  after several years.  her alzeimers got worse and I asked her to live with me.  against my family.  they wanted to dump her in a nursing home.  no way.  I loved my mom sooo much the last time we went to the hospital they said they could do no more for her.  I said mom and I are going home.  the new doctor changed her meds to buspar and she was so much better,  but still didn't know who anyone was.  when she died that was the most terrible day of my life I had no one that loved me unconditionally.  I know I will never be well I am 72. thank you.  mandy876
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Now now Mandy, my dear woman, you mustn't throw out the baby with the bathwater, yeah it ***** that the medical profession can sometimes feel like they are being  purposefully obtuse, and maybe you're not getting what you need from them, and commit to finding more help.

You know, I've had the same losses as you, my husband, my parent's . I kept my mom with me too, until she passed. She liked to smoke, she passed at 75 and spent a decade in her room smoking cigarettes and watching tv, because she wanted to. Putting my mom in an institution would have been like jail for her. I appreciate how much you miss your mom, but if things are as we are all led to believe , or want to believe your mom is happy and healthy right now. She's looking down at her wonderful caring daughter who is aging herself. The circle of life is a wonderful thing, and you will both be reunited, and healthy again together. Life challenges us to be at our best for our loved ones when they need us the most. You passed with flying colors, and your mom is so proud of you.

I've got one very special friend that I keep in touch with here, and a few more that i talk to privately.  It's nice to hear how their week is going, and yes, sometimes it can be emotional talking about hardships, but it helps to have someone else share our burdens.  It also gives a person a lot if you can manage to help somebody out here or there. We're going to bear the same burdens, with or without friends. Put your family drana on hold, and reach out to people who do relate to you, me for one? xo  Liz
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You say that your doctor would probably give you any pills that you wanted.  Why don't you ask for his recommendation of what medication he thinks might help you.. and then you take it.  Medication totally brought me back from the brink of suicide.  Also what about some therapy?  Don't just give up.  That's the depression having its way.  You deserve so much better.  Getting older is the greatest challenge of all as the people you love die and you have increasing disabilities of your own.  But still, life can be so much better.  Please don't give up.  And there are lots of us on here that can empathize with you.  Sara
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thank you my mom was 96 she had been very healthy all her life.  had her a big garden.  when daddy and my hubby we had no one to plow her garden.  so I took her shopping a lot.  we talked several times a day.  I love those days.  we made each other happy.  I feel the Effexor is the right med but I just have my bad days.  my niece said did you want grandma to live always.  I said no hospice helped me at the last.  the parson.  told me I needed  to talk to mom.about  leaving.  that was the hardest thing I had to do.  o told mom it is time for you to go to daddy.  he is waiting for you and I will be alright.  I could not help but cry.  mom had not shown feelings in a while. she reached up and wiped my tears away.  I started to get up.  she grabbed me and hugged me.  she  died a few days later.   mandy876
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What a beautiful story about your mother's last days.  You must be very proud of everything that you did for her.  I think that your tears were very important to her. And what you told her was just right.  I said the same thing to my mother as she was dying.  She was struggling so much the last week of her life.  They told me at the hospice facility that she had the signs of dying and she could die in the next day or two.  When I asked her about dying, she said that she wanted to live.  I finally said in a stern tone, but why Mom?  She cried and cried and then said, because I don't want to lose your love.  Then I told her that she had far more love waiting for her from those that she had lost who loved her so much and that I would be okay.  I had told her again and again about the TV show where people died and then were brought back to life.  Most of them recounted more peace, bliss and love than they had ever felt in their life.  And most of them said that a loved one beckoned to them.  But at this point as I recounted it, she for the first time asked me if the people were real.  I said, YES, and went on about it.  Then she stopped crying, got a big smile on her face that lasted a long time.  Then she died the next day.  You told your mother the same kind of thing and showed your love with your tears.  Feel so grateful for that time with her.  Sara
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P.S. the anniversary of her death is tomorrow.
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that is so strange that we both went through nearly the same thing.  sounds like you were a wonderful daughter and you should be so proud of yourself.  it was not easy.  but im sure it was not easy raising me and my sister.  it was her turn to be taken care of.  my mom and dad would have been 100 this year.  I so miss them and my hubby too.  thank you that lightened my heart knowing there is other people out there that feel the way I do.  god bless you.  mandy876
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Oh Mandy,  I am so glad that we were able to share together.  It is so hard to lose people that you love.  You were a great treasure to your mother.  And you were a very great daughter to her.  I told my mother again and again, that she must be with me after she died.  I think that she is. You will laugh at the reason why I think that she is.  When I was terribly grief stricken and appealed to my dead grandmother about 20 years ago, I heard an answer that I would not have thought of in a million years and it was so offensive to me, that I thought that it must be from my grandmother.  When I told my mother about it, she said that her mother, my grandmother had always had bad timing.  LOL.  But that convinced me that the dead are with us, although I've never had any sightings or conversations with my mother as a lot of people do, but they don't talk about it.  

The love from the people we love though, stays in our spirits.  I can't find my copy of Kahlil Gibran's, "The Prophet" book.  But it says something like, Look deep into your heart at your sadness, and know that it is really a mirror of the joy that you had previously.  

I also have been on Effexor and had to raise it when my depression got terrible, which cleared it up.  Now I am on its upgraded version, Pristiq.  But I know that I need to take it for the rest of my life.  I feel for you. I know it is very hard.  But I really hope that you can find some more peace in your life.    Sara
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it is good to talk to you.  I like to know people that have a good heart.  some times I think my heart is too much and let people use me.  when I love someone I don't stop.  no matter what. but you have to draw a line somewhere. I do feel my mom is around.  I feel her sit on the foot of my bed. I wake but I am afraid if I look she will go away.  this is crazy but when my niece moved in she brought 2 cats. her favorite which she says is a little biatchy just like her.  she was she was figgy.  but gizmo was the second we bonded immediately.  the first night we were all in the dining room.  I said I am going to bed.  and said hey mo you going with me.  he strutted down the hall jumped on the foot of my bed.  that is where he stayed until he got sick and died.  everything I love seems to die or move away.  don't understand why does god keep doing this to me? mandy876
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When you're up partying it up in heaven, your niece and nephew will feel your loss the same way as you are for your mom dad and husband. The thing is , they don't really die, and they don't really go away. They are very much alive, and have the ability to visit you more sometimes from heaven, then when on earth. You just have to believe that they are there, even if you can't touch them or see them, yet. What's happening now, is akin to when your parent's let you attend summer camp, briefly. This separation will be brief (even if it you're here for years and years without them). Your loved ones only hope and pray that you're having a good time.(as good as we can have, getting older ourselves right ? lol).  
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Mandy,
It's wonderful that you feel your mother around you too.  She is looking over you and wishing you the very best.  I know it. Animals are especially difficult because they don't have long life spans.  If you think that you can stand losing another cat, then I would try getting another cat.  And as we get older, it is so much more difficult, because we have more and more people dying that we know.  I do truly wish that you would see your doctor and ask for a better anti-depressant or raising your dose.  If your doctor doesn't know, make sure to make an appointment with a psychiatrist.  It really seems like you have a chemical imbalance as I've had in my system all of my life.  

Again, it has been so wonderful for me to share the stories of our mothers.
Much love to you.
Sara
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I loved my gizmo who we called momo when my niece moved in she brought her 2 favorite cats,  the one she loved was cranky.  at night I could hear her ib her room she would fuss at figgy and figgy would fuss right back.  it was so cute.  they got in an argument every night.  she would wake up and figgy would be asleep on her head.  momo became mine.  where ever I went he was right there.  if we left for the day he would not have anything to do with me.  then I would bring him a sack of kitty snacks.  wow he was my best buddy again.  I never knew what it was like to love a cat.  the cat the people leftnext door.  his name is OREO he is black and white just like the  cookie.  he is an out door cat and has made many new friends he brings home to eat.   your friend    mANDY876
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Mandy,
Those are great stories.  Cats can be great companions.  I love my 2 outdoor cats since I have respiratory allergies to them and get asthma from them. I give them some petting each day, then have to rush to wash my hands, but I'll still get rashes  now that a Prolia injection I got many months ago still has my skin inflamed and I have terrible bone pain from it too.  Wish I had never had that injection.  Thanks for sharing the stories.
Sara
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the neighbors moved out well they were evicted.  they took over the house after their sister and dad died.  they never paid a payment that iknow of.  when they left they stripped the house of everything.  central air unit even the patio cover and took the siding off the toolshed.  they were messy.  they sold drugs  we asked about it.  they said we don't sell drugs just weed.  wonder what they think that is. oh they did not take their sisters cat.  my niece told them off.  but they still did not take him.  so we have been feeding him and our  other next door neighbor on the other side has 2 cats they became good friends.  we let him in a little.  he falls down on the floor on his back and want get up.  my niece was chasing him he was hiding behind the coffee table with is little black tail with a white tip on it standing straight up;  she went to get him and he jumped at her,  then feel in his back.  he is a cutie one of the neighbor cats comes over everyday and looks at the back door until I come out and feed him.  mandy876
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The cats do sound cute!  The one who falls down on his back is generally a submissive begging position.  That's what one of our cats did when he just showed up to the house.  He was clearly an indoor cat and it was in the middle of winter.  No houses near us.  Clearly he was dumped. We had plenty of cats and I was all set to take him to the Humane Society until he did that.  Then I said to my husband, "Look at him. Can I keep him instead?"  He loves to be petted when he does that.  But I should add that he had a problem with his penis sticking out and constantly leaking.  I took him to the vet right away who anesthetized him and unblocked it.  Then later I had him neutered.  He still leaks, but all my cats are outdoor ones because of my asthma and allergies to them.  But they have a heated area outside all winter.  They add so much to my life.
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it is such a pleasure to talk to you.  I cry but it is not the bad kind.  it is the happy memories.  I took my mom to the store and I was buying some root beer a soft drink.  she told me don't by that stuff when you are with me.  aman was standing there laughing.  you cant argue with your mom. but I did get my drinks.  then I said it is cold.  she told me if I wore more clothes I would not have to freeze.  it was summer.  I had my Bermuda shorts and a tee top on.  I was not showing anything.  I never did.  I was and stillam a little shy.  that is why people love tend to walk all over me. I have cried the last couple of days my left chest is hurting on and off.  same side I had my cancer on.  that scares me.  write to you later.  mandy876
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Keep in touch with me by message Mandy.  Are you sure you want to quit?  You get a lot of support here.
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Mandy,
It is always a pleasure to hear your wonderful stories.  How nice that you have such fond memories of being with your mother.  Just keep knowing that she IS with you now.  In a different way.  What has triggered your crying the last two days?  Are you taking any anti-depressants?  Sorry, I don't remember.  I would be dead without them--literally.  I have a great deal to be depressed about with my chronic pain from several diseases and am so disabled.  But once I increased my anti-depressant, the depression went away completely!  I was absolutely shocked!  I had told the doctor that given it was all situational, nothing could possibly help me.  The doctor told me later that she thought that the pain had finally gotten to me.  Many with chronic pain do commit suicide.  She thought that I was going to. But I am happy now.  Just to let you know a little about me.  But I understand that you are having a rough time.  Many years ago, I was severely depressed for years when the newer anti-depressants were not available.  I had the greatest life which I knew that it was at the time.  I felt very good about myself, but just plain had a biochemical clinical depression.  So I do understand some about your suffering.  Not completely at all.  But we have shared wonderful things about our mothers.
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venlafaxine 75mg.  the same as Effexor.i would be afraid to stop them I don't think I would stop crying.  it is building up in me.  it keeps me from crying. usually. take lorazapam for my anxiety,  and thyroid pills .I have some pain pills when my back hurts really bad, or when my jaw and hands gets to hurting.  take one every evening.  by then everything is hurting.  now I am having chest pains and stomach and intestinal cramps.  bad...when mom died I quit living I thought no one is left that loves me.  ijust set in the dark and cried.  stayed awake all night  slept a little in the day.ate very little.  lost down to 86 or less.  thought the doctor was g  I oing to pass out when he saw me.  my niece drug me to the doctor.  he said forget my chlorestrol.  just eat any and everything.  he looked at me said cant you smile.  I broke down and started crying. I wanted to be with the people who loved me,  sorry wish I could have some happy news.  mandy876
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I'm so glad that you're taking Effexor.  That was the one that worked for me, but everyone is different.  Since you said that it is building up in you, I'm assuming that you just started it recently.  If you've been on it for 4 weeks and still have trouble, then get it raised. I'm planning to take it for the rest of my life. Otherwise when you off of it, it gets more difficult to treat the depression and takes more of the medication to make it work.  Love is a 2-way street.  If you express love with caring for another person, listening to their situations, then the love will come back to you.  I don't mean giving stuff to them or even doing stuff for them.  You could even find love with a man.  I know that you just burst a blood vein over the mere suggestion.  But my mother joined a hospice group for widowers.  She even did the work of inviting people before each lunch at a restaurant.  She met the love of her life at age 78.  They were together for the next 10 years until she died.  You need to try to get out and meet other people.  There are people out there that will love your company and you will find company with them.  And yes love.  Could you volunteer a few hours a week?  I know that you are shy, but you have the ability to change your meager life.   Look at my mother.  She also met other women at the hospice group who visited her in her nursing home for 2 years until she died.  I would call that love too.
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I have been on them 6 years but not the strong one about 2 years.  I don't want them to get too strong,  I am small and I am afraid it might be too much for me.  I  cant stay up for long periods of time my back gets to hurting so bad I have to lay down. I reactto meds different than others.  I have a stomach that want except some meds it maks it burn like fire.  I take my cimetidine 800mg and it usually works used to I could eat something and it would help.  not any more.  no aspirin or anything that has aspirin in it.  they put me on Celebrex I cant stay on it long I start getting anemic.  he takes me back off of them.  I have to take hydrocordone.  I don't want to but nothing else helps. wish I had more energy.  I give out I am just too tired.  see I am no good for nothing.  mandy876
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Hi, it is so nice to see your are answering other people's problems.  I think that's great, as I know you are going through a lot yourself.  As you know from experience, it is always nice when someone takes the bother to read about our own problems, and try and help.  It means a lot to us to know someone cares enough to reply.  
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  it is nice to talk to people and give them an idea what to do.  but mostly go to your doctor and see what he thinks. your friend  mandy876
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I always take my Effexor, and now the upgraded Pristiq with food to avoid any stomach problems.  It doesn't sound like your anti-depressant is doing enough for you.  I don't know why you wouldn't try to increase it just a little bit.  If you have problems, then decrease it back again. Wouldn't it be worth it if it helped you?  I told you above about when I was nearly suicidal and just raising the Effexor took away my depression.  I think that you also could really benefit from counseling.  Perhaps you could find some counseling at a lower rate, called on a sliding scale depending on your money situation.  

You sound like you are stuck with your loss of your loved ones and cannot move on from that by making friends with anyone else.  I think that therapy could help you with that.  But it's all up to you.   I believe that you are comfortable in some way with your current state of mind and just looking for some comfort from others instead of taking any steps to change your life.  That's okay.  But that's all you will ever get from life.  And you are suffering quite a bit.  I really do wish you the best, but don't think that I can offer you much more.  You take care.  Sara
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that's ok thank you for being kind to me.  I will try not to bother you any more.  my doctor said I wantd to die so o could be with my family in heaven and I wanted to be with those that are still here.  it is hard when  the people in heaven love you unconditionally.  and these here   love you when they want something.  so long it has been nice to talk to you,  mandy876
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Mandy,
You're a real sweetheart.  I just want you to feel better.:Losing people that you have loved for so many years is so so hard.  I do feel for you.  
With love, Sara
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Are you still taking care of the cat next door? Animals are so wonderful are'nt they? I have a cat and 3 dogs and I love them so much. Keep taking care of that cat if he's still around. If he's left you may want to think about adopting a cat. Maybe a kitten because they're so much fun to play with.
We're always here to talk with you. Please remember that. I'm really glad you found this site because I know for myself it's been great meeting all of the wonderful people here.
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I don't see the cat much he stays with the neighbors.  thy come over in the evening to eat.  twig wants me to feed him.  he just sits there until I come to feed hum.  he want eat if my niece feeds him.  I asked her did you chop it up for him.  she  no way.  that is the good neighbors cat.  I am so tired of people telling me there is nothing wrong with me they cant help me. I just cant or don't want to take any more.  I thought sara was a friend buy I guess not.  mandy876  it has been a pleasure to know you.  you  are so kind.
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I'm hurt that you said that I wasn't a friend.  Did you see my posting above.  I don't sign, "With love" very often.Also did I tell you there was nothing that you could be helped with?  I guess you didn't like any of my suggestions.  That's okay, but it's you dropping me as a friend--not me.
With love (again)
Sara
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Sara is your friend. It looks like she cares about you very much. We all do. All of us here at this forum do understand depression. It's horrible! But, there are ways to feel better. We're here to try to help you do just that.
I mentioned the cat because you seem to love cats and I was hoping they were still coming around so you could feed them. Little things like that can make a big difference for us that have depression.
We're always here for you.
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sara was right no one can help me what is the point.  I don't have a good reason or even a bad reason to live.  all the people who love me are gone.  I just have to wait for god to want me.  so I should not worry you all with my problems.  I thought sara  was  through with me. so I did not see any sense  to stay on here.  there are people you can help and it is not by me.  I jhave been told that a lot,  i am tired of people dumping me.  my whole life i have been hurt.  every one i care  about dies or leaves me. i really care about you.  mandy876
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I said that there were a number of ways that you could help yourself--by taking a little more anti-depressant, by reaching out to other people and by getting counseling.  It is often said that the person who is troubled by anything has to be the one to want to change.  No one else can do it for them.  I have since sent you 3 comments which included 2 comments on this posting and another comment on another posting on this site about your medical problem and this one makes the 4th comment.  I'm hardly the one that is through with you.  It is you who don't want me anymore. You are making things up to escape the real message that I sent to you.  I am a bit tired of you dumping on me.
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Unfortunately we all go through good and bad times in our journey through life.  

Losing your health and the people you love is very overwhelming and it takes time to come to terms with loss and bereavement.

Your loved ones did not dump you Mandy.  None of us know when it is our time to depart from this earth.  If you are a religious person, you may find comfort in reading the bible, or get in touch with your pastor so that he can visit you if you are not able to travel to Church.

You definitely need to see your doctor and explain how you are feeling.  There are different types of antidepressants and it is a question of finding one that suits you.  Bereavement counselling, I feel will also be a help to you.  

Unfortunately, there is no magic wand or a pill that will give us back our youth and health.  I know that you have had breast cancer and have lost your health and loved ones.  As you are feeling pain everywhere it is also likely that you have arthritic problems.  All you can do is to manage your pain by pain relief and anti-inflammatory drugs, do gentle exercise to keep mobile so you don't stiffen up with the arthritis and the anti-depressants will help you to cope with this mentally.  But if the ones you are taking now are not working, you need to see your doctor to either increase the dose or put you on a different anti-depressant.

When you say that in your whole life you have been hurt, leave that in the past where it belongs.  Remember all the nice and good times that have happened.  Look outside your window or at your garden and look at the beautiful trees and flowers and listen to the birds singing.

Make sure that you eat properly.  If you are not eating right, your body will be missing out on nutrients, vitamins and minerals and that can make you feel ill.  When you see your doctor, tell him that you are not eating properly.  It may be that you are now anaemic (that can cause headaches and make you feel very tired).  Mature people also are lacking in Vitamin B12  so ask your doctor if he can take a blood test to check your blood for any abnormalities.

When you start to feel sad, think about all the nice things and how lucky you are to have experienced having a wonderful husband and a lovely mother.  

I was 61 in April this year.  I lost my job through ill-health when I was 40.  I have lost my health and suffer with osteoarthritis everywhere.  And recently have lost my voice.  I have lost the love of my parents and my siblings, not because they have died, but because they have all shunned me.  I have done everything for my parents for years and my mother accused me things I did not do and has had nothing to do with me since last year October.  

I am telling you this to help you put things into perspective and for you to view things from a different angle.

I know that you are feeling very low at the moment.  See your doctor to help you get through this.

Best wishes.
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You do have people here that care and will not dump you. I've been a member here at Medhelp for over 5 years and still have some of my original friends I talk with on a regular basis.  
I think you've lost so many people in your life that you're afraid to get close to anyone for fear of it happening again. That won't happen here.
Sara really has reached out to you and she's given you great advice. It can be hard to find someone that is that caring. All of us here truly do understand depression and some of what you're going through. Many of us have health problems on top of depression and many of us have lost loved ones. We're all here to try and help each other out.
I made a comment on your other post giving you some ideas about getting out and about. And, no one will be asking for any gas money from you.
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Jemma, I am 61 years also and have been severely disabled since a major stroke 5 years ago.  A number of problems but the worst is chronic 24/7 migraines which are often severe.  I can barely go out anywhere.  I now accept my circumstances .  It is a struggle, but I am grateful for what I do have in my life.  But I suffered from severe depression for decades before that as well as fibromyalgia.  So I can really sympathize with your disability.  And so sorry to hear about your family situation.  I wonder if your mother has some dementia or has poor judgment listening to the wrong people.  Feel free to discuss it any more if you would like more support about it.  I feel so badly for you.  And here you are reaching out in such a caring way to someone else.  It sounds from your advice that you have reached a good place in your heart in spite of your life circumstances.  Wish you the best.  Sara
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Remar,  Thank you so much for your second posting about my true feelings.  I very much appreciate them.  Sara
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You're very welcome, You really are such a Sweetheart. Very caring and compassionate.
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Thank you Sara, you are so sweet.

I am so sorry to hear that you had a stroke and are now disabled by it.

Don't worry about me.  My life is much better without them.  
My husband and my 2 adult children used to tell me for years not to do things for my mum.  

Throughout the years I got used to being not treated nicely and ignored by my siblings.  It did hurt a lot when I was young.  But I do not have to "walk on egg shells" any more and just be myself now.  There was always a lot of sibling rivalry when I was young and this carried on when we all became adults.  The siblings were always very nice when not on parental territory, but were always nasty in my parents house when I was there and I couldn't understand it, so I went to learn about psychology.

I have always suffered from a nervous disposition and was very suicidal at the age of 16 because of being "got at" all the time.  I am the eldest of 5, and it was "always my fault" if anything happened.  

I got on better with my mother after I left home when I got married.  My mother didn't have a good childhood and it was hard for both parents what they went through during the Second World War.  My mother did the best she could, but she was never a warm caring mother to me, although she used to value my medical knowledge.  Both parents trusted me for years and I was responsible for looking after their medical well-being.  I always worried a lot about them and we used to visit them a lot .  I suffered with depression really badly when we moved to a new house that was only 5 miles away.  I got no support from my sisters when I was worried about my parents.  

I looked after my granny for the last 4 years of her life.  I had a part-time job and 2 young children.  It did take its toll on my health.  I was very close to my granny.  

Although I did suffer from nerves, it did not stop me from singing, even though I used to be very ill in bed all day before a performance, especially if I sang solo.  I stopped going to choir a couple of years ago when I my depression returned and my physical body got worse.  At the moment I am taking Augmentin for loss of voice.  Trying not to cough or talk at all to help it recover.  I am very congested at the moment.

My husband and I used to have good times with my parents and we used to go on holidays together (otherwise my parents would not have had a holiday).  We stopped going when my husband didn't like my mother's nasty attitude.  This made me feel very awkward, because my father always asked when we were coming to play cards.  I just feel sorry for him because my mother feels he is putting it all on.  She does have medical problems of her own and no doubt now has dementia too.  But this is not my problem any more.  I refuse to be treated with disrespect any more from any of them.

For your migraines, have you tried keeping a food diary to see what is triggering off the migraines, or do you feel they are related to the stroke?

Stress, anxiety and certain foods can trigger off migraines.  The worst culprit foods are coffee, chocolate, red wind, cheese, oranges.  Glaring at computer screens can trigger off migraines as well as flashing lights.
You may know of other triggers that are specific to you, everyone is different.

Best wishes.

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I am going through something I have never been this bad.  but I am going to stop this nonsense,  I guess I am doing this to myself.  I am so sorry you lost your voice.  is there anyway to bring it back.  you are a special.  actually you have a harder life than I have.  I was always shy.  the tachers always picked on me called on me all the time to get up in front of the class.  there is a lot of days I did not want to go to school old ladt shober was having discussion day.  I would slump down in my chair so she would not see me.  she would say is ........I think we will start of out discussion with her today.  my mom would never let me miss school.  I made good grades.  I was so glad when school was over.i will write to sara.   mandy
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I am glad to hear that you are taking a positive step.

I think the reason your teachers "picked" on you was because they could see that you were shy and introvert and were encouraging you to be more outgoing and positive.

Rather than dwelling on things in the past, try and live in the now and enjoy each day.  Don't forget that the way we were brought up and experienced in our youth, has shaped us to be the person we are now.

I am miming and making hand gestures (nice ones) to my husband.  I am resting my voice so that my larynx will recover.  Second day on the Augmentin (antibiotic) today and am drinking lots of green tea with honey.  Have a headache and suffer with tinnitus all the time, so will go back to bed for another sleep as no doubt my son and his young children will come later and I need to get a good rest before they come.  I would prefer that they didn't come, but love to see them all.  The children are 8, 7, 5 and 2, the older ones always argue who should stay with us.  I can manage 2, but hubby and I refuse to have 3 because we can't cope with it.  The 5 year old is the worst.

As the song goes "Always look on the bright side of life".
I love the song called We are Young.  The chorus words are: "Tonight we are young, We're gonna burn brighter than the sun".  

Best wishes.
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that only made me worse.  I felt like I was being picked on I was the only one in the class that she picked on.  oh well time gone by.  I like your words.  they are so pretty. wish I did not feel like I am being judged.  I never could please anyone.  my sis was 6 years  older than me.  I was expected to be like her only difference was she was pretty popular.  out going you know perfect.  I remember my sis came home from school they were bragging about her making a c.  I told them I made straight As she said not now she made a C.  I went to my room and cried thought maybe they will be proud of me if I made bad grades.  I was always expected to be what I wasnt.  oh well I have to walk on glass around everything I say gets her all bent out of shape.  you told me alredy or no answer at all.  I usually go back to my room.  I am so lonesome.  mandy876
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Your profile says that your are 73 now.  So why do you feel like you are being judged?  And who do you feel is judging you?

Do you think the people that you feel are judging you are bothered at all about your emotions?  If these people are truly judging you, it would make them really happy knowing that it is upsetting you.

The only way to get back at them is by not allowing yourself to feel so down and judged.  Just think to yourself "Stuff the lot of them, I am 73 and I will not be trampled on", or something similar in your own words.
By "trampled" I don't mean physically :)

They are getting on with their lives. So don't allow your thoughts to be negative and get on with your life.  None of us know when we have to depart from this earth and none of know what is beyond death.  So make the most of what you have no matter how small.

It is not easy to start to think in a positive way when one has been in a low feeling for a long time.  This is where your doctor will be able to help by referring you for counselling, but you need to ask.

We all feel lonely from time to time, even when we live in a house full of people.

Try and make enquiries if there are any over 50s clubs in your area that you could join so that you can meet new people.  Or even ask a neighbour to pop round for a chat over a cup of coffee, or go round to see how they are.  It is hard to do, but sometimes we have to push ourselves and just do it.  Although I appear to be quite jolly and extrovert, people don't realise how nervous and unsure I am inside and I think it is all about the fear of being rejected.  But even if someone says "no", it is not the end of the world.

Best wishes.
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What a great addition you are to the forum!

I sincerely hope mandy takes your advice.  A few of us have been telling her the same things for a while now, but maybe hearing it from someone who has also had to overcome a lot to make life better for themselves will make more of an impact.

Life is what we make of it.  It surely isn't wasy, heck no....but if we're not trying, how can we ever expect anything to change?  We can't.

Blessings to you both!
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Thank you nursegirl6572.

The easiest thing to do is to give up.  I have been in that position many times when I think what's it all about.  And especially when the day is wasted by feeling ill and having to force yourself to do things.

I have been through a lot and experienced a really bad time in 2005 that left me with terrible flashbacks.  Doctor sent me for EMDR counselling and although I have not forgotten the trauma, the counselling allowed my brain to process the trauma and after 12 sessions I was a lot better and not flaring in anger when I saw the "triggers".

My father went through far worse and became orphaned at the age of 9.  This was during the Second World War.

You are right, it isn't easy, but we all have to do our best and enjoy what we have.  

Best wishes.
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I'm so glad that you have moved on with own family--your husband and children and grandchildren.  I know other people who have totally disowned their parents.  It has been a very positive step for all of them.  Although it makes me wonder that you and your husband used to have good times with your parents in the past for holidays.  Then later did your mother progressively get a bad attitude which then became too bad for your husband? Your description of your relationship to your mother and grandmother were like my mother's.  She told me during her hospice time that she had never felt love from her mother, but did feel it from her grandmother.  Just so you got it.  It does sound like the overall dynamics in your family were not good.  

It sounds like you will get your voice back with the medication and trying to rest it. I lost my voice for awhile, more than 3 years after my stroke.  But getting to a specialized ENT doctor, different from my usual ENT doctor, said from scoping my throat, that it was from my stroke.  I said "Do you often see this in stroke people years later?"  He said, yes, frequently.  I've had so very much go wrong with me since my stroke. LOL

Thanks for asking about my migraine triggers.  It was clear to the neurologists that my stroke caused my severe 24/7 migraines.  But I got a several thousand dollar IgG food sensitivity blood testing and it didn't show any food sensitivities at all, although since my stroke I HATE to eat.  And also have difficulty swallowing, both from my stroke. I only have limited disability on my dominant right side, beginning with paralysis.  My brain functions most of the time with my speech now, but I could barely speak or follow the simplest TV show for quite a while after my stroke.  Instead of begrudging all my disabilities, I now am grateful for what I do have.

Great advice for Mandy to check in on a neighbor. As well as your other suggestions.

You didn't say what was your disability that happened 20 years ago, or did I miss it.  Or was it from depression.  You have moved ahead so well with your life.  I'm glad for you.  And nursegirl was right that you are a great addition to this forum.
Sara
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Hi Mandy,  I too was extremely shy and introverted all through school.  Teachers would point out that I was the one student who was the least likely to say anything in class which just embarrassed me further. I was just terrified--probably from being terrorized by my father from as young as I can remember.

I got a little bit better through college.  But then when I got a job where public speaking was needed, I physically shook and my voice shook.  The administrator played a videotape of my pathetic public speaking to the whole staff and said to me in a stern scolding voice that I needed to join Toast Masters--an organization where you do public speaking at a club and are critiqued.  But I kept wanting to do the public speaking, and eventually I started my own business doing training to groups anywhere from a dozen to hundreds of people at a time. So I certainly do remember those grim reminders, but won out.  It is the past and not your current life.  No one is sending you to school anymore.  Perhaps you can send some positive messages to yourself about it now--that's it's over.  

I still had bad dreams, all these many years later about signing up for a class in H/S or college and never attended it and now it's the end of the semester.  And it was always in a class that you can't crash study for, like math or a foreign language.  I NEVER did anything remotely like that.  I finally took to telling myself before going to sleep positive things..  Then in the next dreams, I knew exactly where to go to find out where the class was and the semester was just starting. Then I took to telling myself before I went to sleep that I would never sign up for a class again due to my stroke.  That then translated into my dreams that I wasn't able to take any more classes.  It only took me about 35 years to think of the solution!  So positive messages to yourself can work on your subconscious.  

Again, I wish you the best.  Or to anyone else who has bad dreams, try it.
love,  Sara
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Oh dear I am sorry to hear you have a problem with swallowing and hate to eat.  Hope you have you have blood tests done from time to time to make sure you are not anaemic or lacking in the Vitamin Bs and especially B12.  Do you take supplements to compensate for lack of vitamins and minerals with you having a problem with swallowing?

The doctor asked me yesterday if I have a problem with swallowing.  I don't.  I do have a deviation in the oesophagus so sometimes I feel food and drink feels stuck.

When I worked as a cleaner I experienced a trapped nerve in the neck that ran down like an electric shock down the spine.  I had a neck problem since the age of 11 when we had to do a backward roly-poly.  I got qualified as a word processor operator and got a part time job, which enabled me to take care of my children and my granny who lived with my parents (they were still working).  

My granny looked after us when we were young because my mother worked full-time.  I felt closer to my granny than to my mother.  My mother was only very "warm and caring" to the youngest child.  As soon as another child came along the others were pushed aside.  I am the eldest of 5.
My mother is the type of person that if you get on the wrong side of her or you do not agree with her, she is resentful and holds a grudge.

I was never a "yes mum, no mum" just to agree with her.  So that never went down too well.  As my parents got older she used to be really nasty to my dad in front of me.  Although my husband could not understand her language, he knew that she was nasty.  When we both stuck up for my father, who has Altzheimers, she would then turn on us.  

Things came to a head last year when I was accused of things I did not do and the fact that I was not allowed to read her Will despite 3 out of 5 siblings having read it.

I was forced into early retirement on ill-health grounds at the age of 40 because of my hands packing up.  They were very painful and wouldn't work at all.  I had to wear wrist splints.  It was overuse, but I do have some carpal tunnel problems now.  Since losing my job, over the years I put on a lot of weight from overeating because of depression and do have problems with osteoarthritis in most joints, trapped nerves (meralgia parasthetica) and foot problems.  Because I have felt pins and needles for a very long time in my limbs, the neurologist said that I have peripheral nerve damage and to control my diabetes.  I am not diabetic, but am glucose intolerant.

At the age of 39 I had a kidney stone, but because the only symptoms I had that were pins and needles in my feet, I was treated for depression because I broke down in tears when I went to see the doctor.  After many months I was sent for xrays, then the neurologist and then to the urologist.  By the time I saw the urologist, I was extremely ill and had to be admitted to hospital for urgent removal of the kidney stone that was lodged in the ureter.  

I do suffer from postural hypertension because of my neck problem.  At Christmas I had really painful legs on the inside of my thighs that was diagnosed as cellulitis.  I have osteoarthritis now in the hips and knees, but my right knee is the worst.  The whole leg was very swollen and very painful for months and the Ibuprofen was making it much worse.  There is moderate degeneration in the medial compartment and the patella.  I have seen Triage and am now waiting for a appointment for physiotherapy.

I can't cope with too much to think about, because my brain just seems to cease up and I just end up literally going round in a circle and panicking.  I have to pace myself and takes things easy.  Yet in an emergency I have a clear head and know what to do.

The mornings are the worst because of the stiffness from the arthritis.
I am on Citalopram and recently was prescribed with Amytriptyline (an antidepressant that is used for nerve and leg pains).  Isn't helping much for the pain, but it does make me sleep.

Problem with the depression is that I can never make up my mind what to do.  If I plan to something, you can bet I won't do it but will do something completely different.  I can't make decisions if there is a choice.

I have been treated for depression on and off throughout my life.  My father suffered from depression when he was younger and my mother doesn't even understand what depression is.  At the age of 17 I was very anaemic and rock bottom and tried to slash my wrists, but could do it.  My mother was always shouting and always blaming me for whatever happened.  I was forcing myself many times not to stab her with the kitchen knife.  I had a fear of knives for years in case I did something that I could not control, so when I saw one lying about on the kitchen work top I would put it away quickly into the drawer.

I did have a better relationship with my mother once I left home, up until a few years ago.  We just used to tolerate her nastiness.  But as hubby and I have got older, we don't want nastiness in our lives any more.

I do love my garden and plants.  The garden is absolutely colourful at the moment (just thought I'd end on a happy note).

Take care and have fun Sara

Best wishes.

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Jemma,  Wow, you had a really nasty mother.  That could have affected your mental state big time.  No wonder you had the suicidal thoughts.  But depression is also a biological disease which you may well have inherited it from your father.  I too have suffered from depression my whole life, except when I've had it successfully treated which has included most of the last 25 years.  But I got severely depressed, close to suicide, a couple years ago because of my constant severe pain and not being able to do anything that I wanted to do.  My doctor thought that the pain had finally gotten to me as with a lot of chronic pain people who do commit suicide.  Raising my anti-depressant did save me.  So I do feel for you and hope that you are taking anti-depressant that is helping your depression. All the anti-depressants are natural pain killers.  Even my Effexor, now Pristiq was not listed as one of them that particularly helps pain, but when I raised it, I thought that it had helped with it.  And recently I saw a medical journal article that did state Effexor as being especially good for pain.  Depression by itself makes pain seem worse.  So if the amitriptlyene isn't helping your depression enough, I would try for another one that does.  And with a long history of depression, you are wise to stay on anti-depressants because going on and off of them makes it more difficult for them to work.  

Your difficulty making decisions and your mind panicking with too much to think about is more likely from your nasty upbringing.  I hope that you don't judge yourself about it.  It doesn't sound like you do.

You must have some ability to have a garden and plants.  Between my fibromyalgia and my stroke, those days are gone.  But glad that you are enjoying your beautiful surroundings.  We must make the most of everything that we have.

I take extra doses of Vit B6, Vit 12 and Folic Acid because my blood levels show too high levels of homocysteine.  I have had many many blood tests with all of my medical problems. My swallowing problems are due to my stroke.  It will be a life long problem like my whole right side is disabled.  My ENT doctor actually saw the food in my throat that I had eaten 2 hours before!!  She said, "Someone wasn't listening to you. I've seen it." LOL

You have done extremely well considering your upbringing.  It sounds like the lies that your mother is believing about you is due to her dementia.  Let one of your other siblings take care of her.  I'm glad that you are out of it.
All the best to you,
Sara
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I don't want to lose you as my friend.  I do not handle rejection  very well.  I am so sorry.  I wish I could take it back but I was so afraid of losing your friendship I thought I would leave it would not hurt as bad.  I was wrong.  I have lost so many things in my life including my sis who is still a live.  I can not deal with this any more.  I want to go be with my family.  mandy876
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looks like you and sara are now friends you are both great people.  hope you keep in touch.  mandy876
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Please stay with your friends here.  We all care about each other.  Please don't talk about wanting to be with your family in heaven.  You have family members here on earth.  You say there will be a lot of you at yours at Christmas, so there are still those you care about here.  

Depression is a horrid illness.  It takes away so much from us.  I know how you feel, as I have been there many times.  We are your friends here, so please keep on posting.
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Mandy, just because other people talk with each other, does not mean we are not your friends.  I am friends with everyone.  Even though I suffer from depression I put on a smile on my face and talk with people no matter who they are.  When I have been sad, strangers have approached and spoken to me.

You are in a very low ebb in you life at the moment and it feels to you that there is no way out.  Once you accept that you are going through a bad phase and seek help, you are on the right road to recovery.

We all have losses and it is very hard and tough.  

When you say "I want to go be with my family", I presume that you want to die to join them in the heavens.  

Your family would not want you to do that.  Your family will want for you to get on with your life the best you can.  God will only take you into his arms when it is your time to leave this earth.  Your family do not want you to hurt yourself.  Even though they are not with you in person, they are always with you in spirit.

Speak with your doctor to increase or change your medications.

But most of all for your doctor to refer you to Bereavement Counselling.

Best wishes.

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I don't think I nave much energy left to fight life anymore.  I am so tired.  I started a new column.  maybe this will be a new beginning. my friends on here  or very important to me.  helps me deal with the loneliness.  I am so glad you are here.  your friend mandy876
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The reason you do not have any energy and feel so tired is you are likely to be anaemic and deficient in Vitamin B12.

Go and see your doctor so that he can take a blood test to check you out for anaemia and B12 deficiency.  As you are not eating properly it is highly likely that you are anaemic.  

Depression can make you feel tired, but so can blood disorders.  If you don't tell the doctor, then he won't be able to help you.

What do you mean you started a new column?

I feel very tired, I have had a really bad bowel problem and have had to shower and take a bath.  I think I ate too many Strepsils last night - 10 within 15 minutes.  But am forcing myself to sit and type this message to you and will now go to see to my dinner.

Please go and see your doctor.  If you do not do that, there is no point in starting a new column, because you are just going round in circles and getting nowhere.

Best wishes.
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Hi ,Have you tried probiotics ? ... bad composition of human microflora is associated with depression , since these little microbes can make u feel like sh*t .... or they can give you incredible sense of well-being via the "vagus nerve" :)

Not to mention Lactobacilli during fermentation release "Tryptophan" well known antidepressant .

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Hi, I have been taking probiotic drinks for years, for good health, but also I have had depression for years.  I also eat priobiotic yoghurt twice daily, but I don't know if it has helped my depression.  Having said that, I do feel so much better mentally, that I am going to gradually reduce my anti-depressants, and continue taking the priobotics.  Every day I also take vitamin B complex, Omega 3 and multivitamin tablets.  I do feel very well.

There may be something in what you say.  Do you take these.  How do you feel?  I would take anything, within reason, that would make me feel better.  A small drink, yoghurt and supplements, are certainly on my daily menu.
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Well , it will sound insane , but in my case yeast ( Candida Albicans) blocked my neurotransmitters in my intestines . Basically i had no emotions , lack of mental clarity , panic attacks ..i felt like **** there was no energy, problem was wrong PH down there . So yeast dominated over friendly bacteria , when i took care of PH to ensure friendly bacteria will flourish by Molkosan and upped quality probiotics 30+ billion up (Renew life , Healthy Origins 30 billion probiotic ) i crowed out yeast and other pathogens , believe it or not , but it worked and all my symptoms went away , but i had some hard "die off" symtoms (symptoms) it happens when boosted Friendly bacteria were slaughtering pathogens . ( Headache,burning sensation in stomach,explosive whistling sounds from the gut ,muscle pain , fatigue,little constipation,suicidal thinking)

Probiotic drinks are full of sugar and there are basically no living creatures.Try probiotic supplements or home made Kefir ... I like Water Kefir its very rich in probiotics and beneficial acids .

For example proven probiotic strain Lactobacillus Rhamnosus GG (Culturelle) has been shown to reduce anxiety and depression in mice by stimulating GABA receptor .

How i feel ? I feel great :) .... in my case root of the problem = Gut .


btw : Quote "Recently it was discovered that gut pathogens in the GI tract can communicate with the central nervous system and influence behavior associated with emotion.....,"  enjoy reading http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC2664325/
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what is probiotics.  I drink boost.  is it in it?  I wrote and asked does anyone  know anything about abilify to enhance my Effexor.  my niece was on them or is on them.  they made her gain weight.  she must be off them she has lost around 50lbs.  I am proud of her. I would life some info if anyone knows.  mandy876
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Probiotics are contained in natural yogurt.  You can also purchase capsules of probiotics.  These are the good bacteria that we need inside our guts to keep us well and healthy.

The only Boost that I know of is a yummy toffee chocolate bar.  But I am in the UK.  I just fancy some now :)

If you are on Effexor, you should be closely monitored by your doctor and if they are not working for you, then you need to make an appointment and see your doctor about it.  It has to be used with caution in the elderly.

Effexor does not suit everyone and some people do get side effects from them.  Gaining weight is one of the side effects and there are other side effects too.

Please go and see your doctor and ask him to do a blood test for anaemia and Vitamin B12 deficiency.  Discuss with your doctor your anti-depressant dosages and ask to be referred to Bereavement Counselling.

Best wishes.
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I read this entire post and am blown away at the kindness, thoughtfulness, and sharing that I encountered. It's refreshing to see this kind of support and to complete strangers in some cases!  I'm not in this community much, but think it's one of the best anyone could ever hope to find. Keep on doing what you guys are doing.
     shinty
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Mandy,  You never lost me as your friend.  I was the one who felt hurt at you saying that I was no longer your friend.  I am very glad to be your friend.

If your doctor has recommended that you add Abilify, I would do it.  A lot of times, it can take a boost from the Abilify to get better from depression.  My mother was on Effexor until she died at age 88.  She was the happiest that she was ever was, even though she was in hospice because she finally was given a higher dose of Effexor.  It does NOT need careful observation of it.  My mother was treated by a highly prestigious major University medical system.  I am 61 and don't need any special observation of the doses either.  I, my mother, and two friends never had any weight gain from taking Effexor. It sounds like you are concerned about weight gain.  I wouldn't be, especially since you are having trouble eating very much from you wrote before.  And even if you did gain a few pounds, wouldn't it be worth it to feel good again?
Your friend,  Sara
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I don't have to worry about gaining weight I weigh 91lbs.  my doctor wants me to gain weight.  the abilify puts weight on you.  but I worry about the side effects.  my niece wants me to go on them.  she was on them and gained weight what she is on now she has lost about 50 lbs. I am so lucky to have some good friends.  thank you.  your friend mandy876
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That's a reasonable concern to be concerned about side effects.  The only way you will know is if you try the medication. And I would suggest that you start off very slowly.  If the medication is NOT an extended release form, then you could start off with half the pill.  Ask the pharmacist who can tell you for sure.  You should be on extended release Effexor pills for the best outcome.  You can tell that by the XR listed after Effexor.  But many pills are dividable.  

If you do get side effects, such as nausea, it can pass with time.  I'm having that trouble right now with one of my medications which the doctor said to divide up into quarters and to take it more often to spread out the effects.  But keep in my mind that you are getting very bad "side effects" from your depression, so it's worth trying a new medication to try to offset your terrible loneliness and sadness.  Good luck and let me know.
Love, Sara
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Sorry if I upset anyone with regard to Effexor information.  The information is on their website.

I am glad that it is helping a lot of people.  I had considered asking my doctor to try me on this, but I already suffer from hypertension, so it may not suit me.

I did not understand what "abilify" was.  At first I thought it was a misspelling of a word.  But now do realise that it must be some form of medication.

Hope you are all keeping as well as can be.

Best wishes.
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No problem. I also suffer from hypertension and need medication for that.  So unless the website mentioned that and your hypertension is through the roof, I wouldn't think that it would be a problem for you.  My mother also had hypertension with taking it.  But Effexor might not be the best first choice for you.  Some people have difficulty going off of it.  Not me and my friends who have all gone off of it.  But if you go off of it very gradually, it shouldn't be a problem.  Most of the complaints are from people who are cutting their doses in half over night.  Not smart.  Now I'm on it for life, since I have a long history of depression and this was the only one that helped me.  And to bring me out of a nearly suicidal depression from my severe pain, with just raising it.. .in my eyes, this Effexor is a miracle drug!!  I truly didn't think that ANY drug could help me since it was so situational. And the increase did help my pain some as well.  Wish you the best.  Sara
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Sounds pretty good to me.  I want some.

I will mention Effexor to my doctor when I see him next time.  It would definitely be worth trying them if they help and ease the pains.

The drugs I am on are OK, but I am not completely well.  It could be that it is not available in the UK.  Or it could be just too expensive and they try us on the cheapest drugs first.

I definitely need something stronger to help with my pains.  I have been feeling so dreadful today and dizzy and aching all over, that I even took one Diazepam and had a sleep in the afternoon.

Still feel dizzy, but I think it is to do with my stomach.  It is either my antibiotic is having an effect, or the too many throat lozenges that I am consuming, or a different virus.  

Best wishes.
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get the generic brand venlafaxine HCL ER.  I know these will be cheaper.  my insurance will cover most of the cost of mine.  thank goodness.  thee abilify is a enhancement for the depression meds.  today my niece was just standing In the hall I asked her what was wrong she said she was dizzy.  it is really strange we are both really dizzy.  we have no gas in the house  it is total electric.  could it be something in the house?  she is still having trouble with one o her arms the other arm is healed.  it should have healed by now.  I will not go off the Effexor I was crying and no eating  and did not want to even try to live.  it stopped the crying.  but it did keep my emotions  down.  my childhood friend died.  I could not cry.  I did care.  it was so strange it was like it was someone else not me.  for some reason I have cried nearly all last week.  we are going tomorrow to get a kitten.  
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I'm so glad to hear you're getting a kitten. There are so many out there that need a good loving home. I think this kitten is going to bring you a lot of happiness. Will you post pictures of your new kitty? I can't wait to see it.
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Thank you Mandy.
Unfortunately in the UK we cannot purchase antidepressants and lots of medications without a doctor's prescription.

Glad to hear that you taking your medication and not going to stop taking them.

How wonderful that you will be having a little kitten.  Let us all know what he/she is like.  

Don't worry about not crying.  I think by the sound of it that you cried yourself dry with crying all week.  Crying is a good way of releasing bottled up problems - plus the fact it helps to clean the  eyes.

Everyone shows grief in different ways.

Let us know how you get on with your kitten.  

Best wishes.
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Glad that you're getting a kitten.  What fun that will be, because they love to play at that age.  Even following a string gives them loads of fun.  And the cat will give you much companionship.

It doesn't sound like you are on an adequate dose of Effexor.  You don't say what your current dose is.  Have you told your doctor that you are still depressed, even though you've gotten some better from taking it?  It would seem like the doctor would want to increase it. Let me know about that.  Also let me know what the doctor is giving you for your headaches and your nausea.  
Sara
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we got the kitten yesterday.  he is little.  we adopted him from the animal shelter.  they had got a momma and she gave birth to 8 kittens.  when we went in there were some people in there wanting a kitten.  we wanted the black and white one that kept slapping out fingers.  the kennel man came back and said they wanted both the black and white is one was a female.  they were both males.  they took one and we adopted the other.  he has been crying ever since.  today for the first time I had a real soft blanket and I laid him in my lap.  and he fell sound a sleep if I moved my hand he would hold on tighter.  but he got frisky and started clawing on everything and climbing omn everything.  my niece is having second thoughts.  he is a hand full'  he would not eat anything til she started eating an arby sandwich.  he started starring at her and crying.  she gave him some roast.  he loved it wanted it all.  we called him arby. mandy876
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Aw! This is such a sweet story. It sounds like your new little guy is already getting very attached to you. Kittens can be a handful at first. So, hang in there with him. He will grow fast and start to settle down. He's still getting used to be away from his siblings and being in a new home. It's going to work out.
Ha ha! You named him Arby? That's great. I hope you can post a picture of him soon. He sounds like a cutie. Sorry if I misunderstood. Is he black and white?
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That's nice about your Arby.

Make sure your feed him on cat food that is specifically made for kittens and kitten milk.

If he is still young, other foods can upset his stomach and he could get the diarrhea.  Make sure you deworm him, every 2 weeks is usually the treatment for worming kittens until a certain age.  The same for fleas.

If he is not trained to use his toilet tray, you will need to encourage him to use that too.

Do you know how old he is and his birthday?  

Best wishes.
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they were using a litter box at the adoption center,  I wanted the mama.  she was so sweet.  we decided to take arby back to be with his siblings.  he was clawing up the new couch. he cried  until I came back into the room.  he jumped on me and tried to eat my med bracelet.  it was so hard to take him back. but I know he is so cute he will find a good home. when we took him back petco had just left by the rescue squad to take them to petco.  he was all alone.  he said he would call them to come back and get him. he said we had 30 days if we changed our minds.  I don't know if we did the right thing.  we kept watching to see iff he used the litter box.  we kept putting him in it.  but he jumped right.  then she noticed it smelled behind her chair that is where he was using the carpet.  we moved the litter box behind her chair and immediately started using it.  we are too old for such an active kitten.  he was all over the place crying.  he kept running back to see if I was there.  I have been upset but it was a lot.  mandy876
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Mandy,  I think that you did the right thing.  It sounded to me from what you had said about the kitten earlier that it had been taken away from his/her mother too soon.  I had a kitten like that. They are never the same. Kittens shouldn't cry so much.  They should naturally use a litter box.

I think that you need a different kitten or a cat.  Most of my kittens have needed a lot of vet visits, but you may be up to it.  And you never know their personalities until they are grown up.  I had the cutest kitten which turned into a cat that would suddenly bite and claw for no reason as it was an adult.  It also viciously attacked our other cats.  I had to take him to the humane society.  Someone else did adopt him.  I kept track of it.  He was a pretty cat.  Now I need to get at least one other cat because there are 2 of them and one is dying from kidney failure.  The other one will be too lonely.  I am planning to get a grown cat, hopefully a young one.  But kittens are so cute.  You may want all the playfulness that they do which can be a riot.  I would be sure to get another cat or kitten though.  Good luck.  Sara
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You did the right thing taking the kitten back.

Kittens should not be removed from their mother before 6 weeks of age.

I was looking after a queen that gave birth to 4 kittens on 10 April.
They were all sold after 6 weeks of age

One young lady came to pick a black and white kitten from me and she held it and it was very comfortable with her, it started to lick itself and to lick her thumb.  I had never seen anything like that before, they were definitely suited to each other, the kitten was so comfortable with her.

When you go to choose any animal, hold it and see how you are with the animal and the animal with you, before you decide to keep it.  
With a cat, you need one that is toilet trained, has already been wormed and treated for fleas.

When kittens cry, that usually means they want something or are not happy.

Looking after any animal takes some time and energy.  

Best wishes.
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we took him back.  he was a hand full.  he did curl up in my lap and got a good nap.  but he saw my medical alert bracelet and stuck his claws on both side on my arm and grabed hold of my bracelet and would no  let go.  it was hurting. we decided we had got rid of all our older cats and would have to buy everything.  it would add up. we are going to try to go to the coast I am not sure if either one of us feels like taking a trip.  would like to get away for a while and try to relax.  my nieces daughter is packing up her things they are being evicted because her man will not get a job.  she has a 7 and  a 6 month old.  I told her her car insurance is due next month.  and she told me it was still in my name she did not have the money.  I cant afford to pay everyones bills.  am I being ysed.  I am so tired.  mandy876
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Mandy,
If you don't want to be taken advantage of, then you need to put limits on what you do.   If the car is still in your name, you should take it back.  Otherwise if there is any major accident, YOU can be sued for everything that you have.  You also will be liable for any parking tickets which can add up to thousands of dollars with fines.  

Then there is an easy solution to the problem of your niece's daughter not having a car.  Her man can get a job.  Or her man can watch the children while your niece's daughter gets a job.  It's that simple.  Don't you pay the car insurance or it is all your fault that people use you.  

I hear you complaining a lot about people using you.  You can just STOP getting taken advantage of.  

Sara
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I agree with everything Sara says.

Mandy it is your car.  If you can't afford insurance, or to keep the car, then sell it.  It is YOUR car not theirs.  When you do sell the car, make sure you do not give any of them any of YOUR money.

Tough on them if they do not have the convenience of using someone else's car.  There is always public transport!  They will continue to use you, because you let them.  You have to be firm and stand up for yourself.  Say no and mean it.

You owe them absolutely nothing.

With regard to the kitten, he was just playing with your wrist band.  You did the right thing in taking him back.  So do not worry about that.

Best wishes.
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I know the kitten was playing he kept crying and I picked him up and laid him on a real soft cover.  he laid real still.  I talked real soft to him and he watched me for a while then I rubbed between his eyes.  he went sound asleep.  if I left the room for anything he would run from my chair to the sofa and if he did not seem he would start crying.  I walked in the room he came running.  I really was growing to love him.  I am too old.   I was worn out by the end of the day.  wish I could be a better person.  no need in  me seeing the doctor I have soooomany problems it would not do any good.  I am tired why want god just take me.  I am so tird.  love mandy876
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A grown cat does not need much attention.  That kitten was troubled, but any kitten will take more energy from you.  So I still think that a cat would be some good companionship for you.

People with "sooo many problems" do need to see doctors.  I don't know why you won't even go to your doctor. It's just plain self destructive.  
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it does  not matter no one cares if I live or die.  I am lonely.  my friends are dead or moved away.  my used to be my next door neighbor.  we still keep in touch not as much as we used to.  her husband has been in the hospital 2 days.  they found that he has a blockage in his neck.  he is going to a heart doctor next week.  doesn't sound good.  they have each other.  no  one calls except a phone solicitor.  I guess I can talk to them.  my niece never feels good and does not want to talk much.  she talks to every one else. I have an appointment Monday.  but why should I go.is that or anything going to make me happy? if I get well I will still have the same problems. we are  all going to die.  god will take us when it wants us. why waste all that money and still feel the same way.  mandy876
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Yes, you are right that we are all going to die.  That is a fact.

What matters is how you live your life.  
God has left you because you ARE needed here on this earth.  You may not thinks so, but you are helping others.

You are helping your niece for a start.  And you also give people support on this MedHelp.  You did write in another forum about the bad things that happened to your niece and her children.  Where would she have ended up if you were not there for her?

You may feel lonely, we all feel lonely from time to time even with a houseful of people.   Lonely is a state of mind.  Your mind at the moment is on the negative side.  

You did say in the other forum and here that you are seeing your doctor on Monday.  You must keep that appointment and make yourself go to see him.  I know how you feel, I have to force myself to go to see the doctor too.

Do not waste the appointment.  Doctors do not have magic wands to wave to make us feel young and well again, but they have the knowledge with regard to medicines that can make things a little less uncomfortable for us.

May be you could go with your neighbour one day and visit her husband in hospital with her.  She will be needing some support too, and this is an opportunity for you to help her and yourself.

Best wishes.


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she is my ex neighbor.  he is home until he goes next week to see a heart specialist.  she can not drive any more she gets confused.  a couple of years we were going to get our mammograms.  we made a turn an she went on the wrong side of the road.  she had to turn around with on coming traffic.  she ran over the curb a couple.  kind of scared me.  she has a daughter that is a teacher.  she is out of school now she will be taking her.  they are a very close family. I like to never of gone to sleep last night it was around 3am  I had taken a pain pill a muscle relaxer and a nerve pill.  it worked in about an hour.  I can not relax.  sometimes I will realize I am not relaxing.  it is weird. thank you for being here for me.  you do help me.  your friend love mandy876
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I find if I cannot sleep, I just get up and make a hot drink of green tea with fresh lemon juice and honey.

If you cannot drop off to sleep, just get out of bed and do something, come on MedHelp, read a book.  Then when you feel like you are tired, go back to bed.

Sometimes I cannot sleep because I feel so hot that I come down and sit naked at the computer and when I start to feel cold and can't keep my head up, I go back to bed.

Don't watch any thrillers or horror films or anything that puts you on edge before bedtime.

You could even have a relaxing bath with some lavender oil to help you relax in the evening before retiring to bed.

Best wishes.
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I wrote you a whole bunch of things my program went off.  I will start over.  I have always had a hard time going to sleep.  I hate night that is when I miss my hubby most.  I keep the tv on all the time.  I play games and get on medhelp.  go to e mail and write a note for my other nieces daughter.  she sends me pictures and how her love life is going.  which normally bad.  she has had 5 babies.  one baby died he strangled on his vomit.  another was hurt down there by her boy friend.  he went to jail.  but they took the baby away from her.  her first 2 her ex and his girl raise them.  she has them most weekends.  her daughter wrote her the sweetest letter on how proud she was for being such a good mom even though she had financial problems,  she is sweeter to me than any one else.  love mandy876
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It is nice that your niece's daughter still keeps in touch with you and sends you pictures.

It is a shame about the babies though.

Best wishes.
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she has really had a rough life.  when she was a teen in school.  she was on the drill team.  they performed at football games and in competition.  they had a car wash to earn money for a trip.  she tripped and damaged her front teeth.  they capped her teeth but it would never stay fixed.  she just now got to where she had the money to fix her teeth.  she has the most beautiful smile.  all her life her teeth she always covered her mouth  if my mom had of known this.  she would have had her teeth fixed.  she had all her top teeth removed.  her last baby was born in October he is 6 our baby was born in October he is 6 and my nieces other daughter had her boy in the same October he is 6 too. with 3 weeks we had 3 new boys to our family.  I know in my heart that she will always will love me.  she always has. the man that raised them was not there birth father.  but he was a wonderful dad.  just the 2 older girls.  the 2 boys she had when the girls were in high school .  were his.  he was always special to me and my mom.  he finally got a divorce.  she cheated on him with her daughters boy friend.  we all for gave her but she crushed her husband.  he became an alcoholic.  she ruined his life.  the oldest boy goes and sees his dad all the time.  I am glad.  I better quit talking I will get in trouble again.  your friend  mandy876
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