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Am i clinically Depressed???
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Am i clinically Depressed???

Well this is my story:
I'm 23 years old male and just moved to sydney australia from auckland new zealand 3 months ago for a great career opportunity.
Just after 1 year and 3 months ago my older brother committed suicide. I was also there when he was found. Since that moment i have never really been the same. I've come to expect that as it is a life changing experience. I went through all the normal grieving symptoms and i thought i was finally starting to cope with life again. But the last 2 months something doesn't feel right. I don't ever feel happy or excited over anything at all even though i know i should.  I haven't felt happieness in a long time now and the scary part is that i don't really remember what it is like to be happy anymore. The only emotions i feel are anger an a overwhelming sadness. Basically i feel dead inside. I cry for no reason at all nearly every day. That has been happening for a while but only when i was thinking about my brother. Now it just happens randomly. I tried to convince myself that my brother was the reason but i know it isn't. I feel like i'm going crazy. I don't know what to do. I think i should tell someone but i don't think they would really understand.
I cant really describe what it feels like but this is the best i can really put it to words.
It feels like everyday i am falling into a bigger and deeper hole. The emptyness and darkness is so overwhelming that everyday that goes past it gets harder just to cope with basic things. Its a sad and very very lonley place on the inside. It's like this unknown force is pulling me down angainst my will.
I started getting more into drugs and alcohol just for some escape. i know i doesn't fix the problem but at least for that moment in time i feel human again or at least feel something. I've been taking extacy and cocaine. I had some the weekened just been and what really freaked me out is that i felt nothing. It's like now that doesn't  even work anymore.
I think i need professional help before it gets really out of control and it starts to really destroy every aspect in my life. Please help me i think i'm on the verge of breaking point. I'm not suicidal and i don't think i could ever take my life. being one that has witnessed it first hand i could never put someone through what i am going through. Plese help me i just want to be normal again.
Please give some advice
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3 Comments Post a Comment
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Avatar_f_tn
Hello & Welcome, Gee where do I start? First of all you are very normal. You have been threw a terrible ordeal. I believe you have handled yourself extremely well, except for the drugs. But you know the drugs will only make things worse so I don't think they will be a problem for you. I really hate to say time heals everything... but it does. It is just so difficult to wait when you hurt so bad. You just want it to stop, and how your heart hurts. I do know your pain, its just I have had more time so now mind is a dull pain. You just keep getting up everyday... even if you don't feel like it, Do things that are positive. Believe in yourself, you have proved you are strong. Keep reaching out to others, they will help. Eventually you will feel better, happiness will come your way again. Then you will see improvement... where you have been and where you are going. Then some day you will help someone else. Hope this helps.  Kande
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Avatar_n_tn
well hopefully a pro will help my situation. i think its getting worse cause now i have to force myself to eat. i wanna eat so bad but when food hits my mouth it feels like im gonna throw up. Its crazy. i love to eat!
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Avatar_f_tn
i'm sorry that you lost your brother. my boyfriends younger brother had committed suicide a year ago. do you stay connected with your family and friends? i think that's the best thing when you're hurting, is to have someone to help you through it. i've had a hard time trying to help my boyfriend through recovery but he's doing alright now. he hasn't gone on any depression drugs or got into drugs and alcohol. if you don't find comfort in talking to friends or family about it maybe you can share your feelings with a therapist. it's best to let everything out. i wish you the best of luck on your road to recovery.
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