Anger Issues

[spook844]

I am really worried about my temper.
I have not lost my temper in 11years and all my family and friends know me as a quiet ,placid natured person until recently.
I have been with my new partner for 6months and we normally get on great but once,twice a week he accuses me of chatting to other men on the internet when am not.I have to go online and prove my innocence but it really upsets me.Last month he accused me of it again while I was driving and my temper instantly rose to the point of me blairing the car music to drown out his voice and putting my foot down on the accelarator not caring if I crashed my car or not.I didn't slow down until my temper calmed down.Last night I was accused again and lost my temper again to the point of me being phisical.I pushed my partners back against a wall and punched him.I then walked out of my house to try and calm down as I also felt I would have wrecked my home if I had stayed indoors.
My behaviour has really scared me and I dont want to turn into a monster.I want to be the old me again.

[Jaquta]

Hi.  To me it sounds much more than a mere reaction to an event or accusation.  Usually this will relate back to some other event in our life which triggered some of those feelings.  I say this because usally a person can respond rationally.  It could be due to a lack of security re the lack of trust by your partner or perhaps another time when someone accused you wrongly.
If he's doing it to push your buttons then surely this would compute and you would not react.

This seems to be coming out all wrong.

If I reflect on what you wrote earlier I probably see you as being a little defensive (about talking to men on the net).  It also sounds as though your self-esteem has been under-mined if you can't assert yourself and feel like you have to justify yourself and your actions to your partner.  That isn't healthy.

It's good that you set a limit with him.  I don't think it's appropriate that he keeps on doing it.  If it bothers him (you using the internet, etc) you should both sit down and discuss it.

I worry about his control issues and your control issues.  His are obvious and he sounds insecure.  I think you keep too much in.  The degree of the outburst is also concerning even if understandable.  I wonder if you have some underlying pathology.  ??  (Cooler type, not used to vocally expressing love, etc, not lost your temper in a long time.)  I don't know.  Maybe that's normal.

For answers, I would first look at myself, then my partner and then perhaps the environment (stressors, etc).  Could it be your partner or the relationship that is causing the problem?

Just some thoughts.  I think discussing things with your doctor or a trusted friend or family member wouldn't hurt.

Could you be afraid of intimacy?  That doesn't seem the problem.  I would look at the role your partner is playing.

[spook844]

Hello Jaquta,
Thank-you for your advice.I was thinking of talking to my doctor about my new found temper/rage as it scares me.
The trigger for my temper to snap is just the fact of being accused of doing something that I am innocent of.My boyfriend is normally cuddly and affecionate towards me where I am a cooler type and not used to vocally expressing love e.t.c where I think he pushes my buttons to see my reaction by these false accusations.Iam convinced he does it deliberately.I spoken to him and told him how his constant accusations are begining to wear me down and how I hate the way he makes me feel when he does it.He promised to stop it last time and apoligised but of course he did it again.Today I told him to go home to his own home as I am still upset over my temper the other evening.Am hoping the time apart will give me time to think on why I have suddenly started behaving like this.

[Jaquta]

It does sound as though you have issues.  I think it would be appropriate to talk to a doctor or psychotherapist.

It sounds as though you both could use some therapy.  Your partner for his paranoia and trust issues and you for your anger.  What is it about his comments that are triggering you.  It sounds potentially dangerous so I would talk to a professional.

[mammo]

It's difficult to be your "old self" when someone is constantly accusing you of doing something you're not!  We all lose our temper from time to time, it normal.  But your partmer's accusations are pushing all your buttons, so you need to get him to stop or get away from the situation, before you do hurt him or both of you.  Talking to a therapist may help you, couple's therapy would help you both.  You need to consider too, that maybe you've been too easy going all these years and all the pent up anger is now coming out with your partner's accusations. Often when we are very calm no matter what is happening in our lives, we are suppressing our emotions which will come back to haunt us eventually.  This may be more than just your anger towards your partner, and you need to see someone to determine if there is more to this.  Your anger is turning into rage.  See a psychiatrist for an evaluation so the two of you can determine what the next step should be. Best wishes.