Anger problem has reached it's limit

I do not see an Anger forum, so I figure I would being here. I am a 41 year old married father of 3. My wife and I have been married for 16 years. We love eachother a great deal, have 3 wonderful daughters. We go on family vacations, our kids all play sports, are involved in community service, have great friends. We have a wonderful home that we built 10 years ago. My inlaws are all wonderful...a great extended family. I feel like I am truly livng "the dream".

But...I have sever anger problems. I don't know when is began, but as a child I was picked on a great deal, beat up even. When I went through a growth spurt at age 12, I said no more, and began being the bully myself. It brought me attention I never had. My parents divorced when I was 14. Shortly after my father left, my mother informed me that my father was not my real father after all, that he adopted me. To this date I have never met my real father.

I met my current wife when we were 17. I had one previous relationship before her that lasted 1 year. Other than that, all other girlfriends were short term. As I reached my middle-upper teens, I got into more and more fights...almost weekly. Many of them occured after drinking alcohol. The fighting eventually turned to physical abuse towards my wife, and an incident with my previous girlfriend as well. The physical abuse ranged from grabbing an arm, to a smack across the face. This pains me so much to write this...as nobody other than my wife and I know any of this...but I have to do something...

The abuse would come and go...and although it got better with age, it seemed about once a year in our 20s and early 30s, an incident would occur where I would choke my wife, grab her very hard, push her....or do something physical...none of which ever caused her to be harmed in a way where she required medical attention. The last several years, the anger has turned more into words...very harsh and hurtful words. Perhaps to avoid the physical side. As i said, we have 3 daughter..who are now 11, 11 and 14. They have never witnessed me being physical with my wife, but now the anger is being directed towards them on occasion. nothing physical, but yelling..and smalling a door...enough to really scare them...as my wife says, when I reach that point, I become very scary and the kids can see it.

I am afraid. I have lived my life as a father to be a role model and a loving, caring and thoughtful father. I want my kids to always rememebr me as a great man. ONe bad incident can ruin everything forever....tonight my oldest daughter and I got into an argument and she slammed the door to her room. I tried to kick it open...thank god it did not work, and no damager was done. When I opened the door, I was livid and screaming and cursing. I could see how afraid she was. Myw ife was deathly afraid that I would harm my daughter, something I could never imagine doing..something that I would be devastated if it happened...

I am going to try therapy, but I have tried it in the past as well. This has to stop now....Inside, I am so happy..and I know what I dod is wrong when I become angry...whay can't I stop it? I say to myself, "let it go...it's not worth it"..but when I reach that point, I can't stop...like a different person takes over...

What can I do to protect my family and myself? I am so scared...nobody deserves to be yelled and and scared from thei husband/father when he is in a rage. Why can't I control this? I need some direction...

thanks.

[Piper33]

Hi Mike,

First allow me to say I can only imagine how you must feel to not have control over your anger. But because you have realize this means that you can do something. Have you tried attending weely groups, this allows you to have a support team and share with others who are struggling with emotions such as you.now that ange ris a normal emotion, but when it becomes violent, such as your case, it has went into the out nof control mode.

Groups have said to have helped many, your idea of therapy is not a bad idea, or anger groups as mentioned. It sounds lie unresolved issues are getting the best of your emotions. You sound like a good person who needs to tae control of your emotions. Perhaps even say this to your family, that you admit to having  "out of control" anger issues and need ot wor on getting this under control, being honest to your  family will help then understand what you are going through and may not hold it against you.

Be sure to also remove yourself when you feel you have reached that point to where you are about to loose it, this prevents abuse, as you now this can lead to major issues including losing you family. And also get connected to a faith base church, when you now the inner power we have, we are more likely to use it and have faith. Be Bless, and believe you can turn it around and you will, get the help you need.

[John_jb1]

Hello Mike.

I can understand in a way how you feel about your kids. My farther used to suffer from depression and he'd scream and one time even threw a chair at me, even threw me down the stairs.
The thing is, I fought back, this made the arguement really intence with really harsh words, and they were also very physical.

He was a cause of my depression, no lie, I think you should be careful or they will take after you.

When fighting with your children, what is it about, is it bedtimes? Things they can't have? Or have they done something on purpous to make you mad?

Things you can do like piper33 mentioned, is join groups and therapy etc. If you go to your doctors, they can give you tablets which help you controll these emotions. If you're not one for going doctors etc, you COULD take up nicotein gum, but it is addictive and an expensive habbit.
I've found that nicotein gum is very relaxing, I have the odd chew now and then when I'm in a frustrated mood, and I get brought right back down. The other day I was on a computer game that normally I'd get so frustrated with I would actually attempt to throw things around the room.
I had nicotein gum in my mouth just from cooinsidence, and that game didn't really matter to me at all, I played twice as many matches and won many more games.

So nicotein gum can be a thing to take up, but it taste horrible at first, and is very addictive.

Thanks

- John -

[pickleperson421]

i understand how you feel, but I'm just a kid, so therefor i dont have any children to harm, but I am afraid i might hurt my parents. i know exactly how you feel

[Piper33]

Good day Pickleperson,

Have you expressed to your parents these feeling you are having? And if you have, have you told them how they are becoming “out of control”? As a parent of a teen, I can imagine there are so many things I say that my daughter would love to lash out at me verbally for, but I strongly believe that because she knows as a parent I am not perfect and that she too will be a parent and may say silly things, she shows patience with me.

I know being a teen is not easy, in fact I said to my daughter, that today’s teen have it so much harder than us, but here is the good part to this, you all have so much tools to use. By this I mean, you can talk to positive people, teachers, church member ect.; whereas back in my time as a teen, many years ago, we were so afraid to speak due to the stigma of being looked down at.

Know that it is ok to admit that you are having anger issues; in fact, admitting to this means that you have accepted that there has to be a change. And please, please know, that parents are not perfect, we try so hard to make sure you all as our children don't do the same things we did, and these are mostly things we are not happy about :-).

Listen Pickleson, You sound like a smart child as you took the time to write, I am sure your parents would be proud to know you are involve in such a forum, always look for the positive, look for the good, know you can have control over yourself, and that you can choose to do that which is right. But most of all know.. That as human beings we are not perfect, but God don't make junk! Be Bless and hug your parents and tell them what is bothering you, whatever it is and tell them you need to get into some form of anger management support group for teens or seek professional individual help for possible underlying concerns. Take care!


Piper33

[Piper33]

Here a Little encouragement for you all for this week,

Know that everyday we live we have the opportunity to love and care for the ones that we have been blessed to have with us.  We are blessed to have children, wives, husbands, parents, friends, and just life it self, to be able to breathe each day, wow! How many people do you know that can not say this, meditate on this and be grateful :-). Hence, Say a kind word, do a good deed but most of all take time to appreciate the uniqueness in yourself and others; this is why we live in diverse world. Be Bless friends


Piper33


Have a stress free week, we welcome negative things when we think of them, so think positve, life has so much to offer you all, trust me on this!

[Mikev101]

Thank you so much for the encouraging words...Lord knows I need them right now.

I will update everyone on the status of my situation soon...wife is sleeping and keyboard typing is keeping her up....but things are good, especially with 14year old daughter...the last few days have been really good...I am taking one day at a time....

[remar]

i'm glad things are going better for you. have you been to your dr.? alot of people with depression have anger issues, i'm not saying that's the problem but why not check it out. i agree that counselong would be a good idea. you need to find out what's going on. life is short, don't spend it angry. and this will effect your kids. my father had an anger problem, he was an alchoholic, and those memories of how he treated my mother will always be with me. he did get help after their divorce and was a different person, but i'll never forget it and neither will your kids. you sound like a great guy with a great family and i so hope that everything works out for you. take care. remar

[nursegirl6572]

Kudos to you for taking that all important and extremely difficult first step...admitting you have a problem and wanting to do something about it.  I could feel the pain through your words...as I am sure it was very painful for you to write.

Get to a psychiatrist who can manage your therapy...and lay out all the options for you...from meds, to therapy, group anger management classes, etc.  I would also highly recommend that your entire family be involved in the therapy process...as they need it as well.  They need to share how your anger makes them feel, and they need to be reassured that it is not their fault in any way.  With some hard work and time...you can hopefully turn this around and be the husband and father you want to be.

Lastly...please do not take up chewing nicotine gum.  Suggesting that someone with anger/mental/anxiety, etc issues start down a road of addictive behavior is just irresponsible, even though I'm sure the intentions were good.  There can be a lot of people reading these posts who are very suggestive.  Not only does it risk addiction, but quite possibly also serious medical concerns.  Just not a good idea in any way, shape or form.

I wish you the best of luck....hang in there.....I applaud you for wanting to make the necessary changes.