Been depressed pushed best friend away

[realfeelings]

I have had a serious bout with depression starting last September. I have had a best friend for 5 and a half years and said some mean things and didn't even remember saying it until I think it was too late. recently after I remember why they weren't talking to me anymore I wrote them a letter and told him what was going on with me . That I was clinically depressed and I took it out on him. My depression stemmed from losing my mom 2 years ago and last september started to fear going through the Holiday with out her. After that the first of the year i was being harassed at work and ended up walking out leaving completely after I talked it over with my best friend.......... that was the downward spiral. After that I would fly off the handle at little things and he didn't know what was wrong and I didn't know I was doing it. Now he won't talk to me and understandably I know why. Last night I sent a letter telling him what happened and to please forgive me and that I am so sorry for what I said and am very ashamed and there is never a justified reason to treat a best friend that way . I am lost ..........I did wrong and paying dearly for it. To the point where it is making want to leave this place. I know I can work it out with myself but my friendship is hurt and so is my heart.  I am taking prozac and have been on it for years I need to get an adjustment on the drug.... I am waiting for my new insurance to kick in form my new job. Please advise me what I need to do to patch that up as well as myself.

[nursegirl6572]

Hello and welcome!

I'm sorry for what you're going through.  Unfortunately, having conditions like depression and anxiety certainly can affect our relationships with others, and how we interact with people.  

That being said, I think one of the biggest things that's important is owning your behavior.  While of course your depression was a major contributing factor, it's not an excuse, so just be cautious in how your word your letter/conversations with your friend.  

For instance, saying things like the following, "After that I would fly off the handle at little things and he didn't know what was wrong and I didn't know I was doing it." kind of removes your accountability.  I'm sure you were aware of everything at the time, you just had a difficult time controlling your reactions to things, which is two different issues entirely.  If you want your friend to consider giving you another chance, I think that making sure you show that you're being accountable for your behavior will go a long way.

Now, in reading your reply on the thread, I'm wondering about the dynamics of this relationship.  While it's not impossible for males and females to have platonic friendships, TRUE non romantic friendships are pretty rare.  Usually, there's always one person in the friendship that either has romantic feelings toward the other, or is confused about how they feel about that person.  That could possibly explain some of HIS behavior.  Perhaps he really wanted more?  I think it may be important to explore that possibility before moving forward.  If there's that issue, where one person wants more than a friendship, ultimately, the friendship won't work out.

Best to you, I hope you resolve your issues with him and get to a better place.  I would encourage you in the meantime to find new friends, start spending more time with other friends who you may not have seen much recently.  It's always good to have more than one close friend.  Different friends fill different voids in our lives.  

I'm very sorry about the loss of your Mom.  If you haven't yet, you may want to look into a grief support group.  They're so very helpful in working through those tough emotions that come with such a hard hard loss.  Update us on how things are going!

[realfeelings]

Thanks for your reply ..........I am used to texting several times a day and him calling me for the last 5.5 years. I just have that empty place in myself.......do you think he will understand and make amends? This friend is one of those mvps of friends. I know he never understood the depth of my depression until I wrote the letter. I also don't know that he didn't just toss it without reading it because I made him so hurt. He did (does ) respect me and is one of those who is so picky that he never had a girlfriend.......I guess I was the replacement for him not having a girlfriend. One of the reasons I blew up at him is because he was always telling me how to be and what to say....He would say " I would have phrased that a little different" ... So in essence I feel he was trying to mold me into what he wanted, sort of controlling. However I am older than he is by at least a decade and have issues with people trying to change my personality. I think he never had someone to the degree that my friendship was to him. Therefore never had anything to learn from. I am hoping I helped him learn more from me so that he can take it on through life.

[Bubulous]

Most of the people in my life now understand when I get like I do.  However, I do still have the tendency to push people away.  When I do I try to be patient with them as they try to understand what happened and I always try to learn from the experience.  He will come around, just keep writing him and forgive yourself.