So pretty much my entire life I have suffered from depression. No motivation, never tried to really do anything with my life and even when I did, it never lasted for more then a week until that motivation randomly vanished. I rarely have energy, and when I do, I never feel alive. I am 20 years old and now I have realized that if I don't do anything now, I'm just going to end up being a waist of space.
Throughout my childhood and my teen years school had never been a problem for me. Most kids learn that they have to do their work and actually make an effort to get anywhere, that was not the case for me. I can't remember one time where I actually focused in school nor tried, I didn't have to. Homework, nope, studying, no way, projects, rushed and done the day before due, that is what my entire life at school has been, and the fact is I was still an 80-90 average student. Had I have put in half the effort in as what any other student I'm sure I could have aced anything I desired. My intelligence is what got me this far and I'm lucky to say that God gave me a good head. So whats the problem right?
It wasn't until grade 12 that I actually realized that this breeze through life was over. Things required effort and work, something that was alien to me. So when I realized that effort had to be put into my school I found out that it was not as easy as I thought and I didn't make it very far. I shortly found that my concentration on anything couldn't last very long simply because if the idea didn't interest me, my mind would wonder to something that does. It's not even that I don't try to focus, but it's more of when I do, the harder I try the more my mind neglects what I am trying to focus on.
This isn't my only problem. It really doesn't matter how much sleep I get during the night, six hours or sixteen hours, either way, when I get up and face my day I feel drained. Like a dead battery that needs a recharge, I feel weak and emotionless. Pain hardly effects me (mentally), things couldn't go worst in my life and for a moment I may feel a little tender, but overall I feel the same. This may sound odd, but sometimes I crave for a misfortune in my life, just hoping for something to go terribly wrong because in the end it's the only way I can feel happy. The best way to describe it is it's like a discharge of negative energy, where things go so awful that I finally break and am actually able to feel relief of my sadness. It's like pain is the only way for me to be "happy".
Happiness? Sure I can laugh and have fun every once and a while, but am I happy? No. Do I really care to be happy? That's a no too. So what am I looking for? During grade 12 I dropped school and turned to drugs in search of this answer. Weed, oxys, shrooms, meth, pretty much name it and I was there. There was only one drug that I can say actually gave me the effect that I was in search for. Cocaine. Coke gave me that energy and ability to react to life and have focus, but the fact is there were even worst side effects than the benefits it gave. First off, the coke heads isn't exactly the best crowd to be in. Secondly you literally become a bipolar nut case, your emotions get amplified to the max and you are everywhere with them. One minute happy, next mad, sad whatever. Also, you tend to overreact and your judgement becomes hugely impaired my the drug. So overall, coke is a terrible drug and I wouldn't think twice before saying no if I was ever offered it again.
So I guess what I want is a drug like coke, minus the terrible side effects. I don't care about being happy or less depressed. I just want to have my mind in a state of energy and focus so I can finish my school. I've tried everything, exercise, change of diet ect... and nothing is working. I am personally against prescribed drugs but everyone is pressuring me into it so I really don't care anymore. I thought that I could solve this problem myself but it's only looking as tho a "safe" prescribed drug is the way to go at this point. So far the only drug that I have found that has the benefits that I am looking for is ritalin or adderall (adderrall), and I only know this because I have done research for my little brother's sake because I feel he has been misdiagnosed to have ADHD. I know they aren't antidepressants but the effects are virtually what I am in search for.
I'm kind of afraid to go to a doctor a psychiatrist because I feel they are just going to prescribe me something weak like celexa, which I have used for many months and it only made matters much worst. I want something that works this time, not something that will "gradually work" over time when it will do the opposite. I want to swallow a pill and half hour later it kicks in. And if I want off of it then I don't want a drug that you have to gradually come off of, if I'm going to stop I'm going to stop. So any ideas?
Thanks for taking the time to read this and if you have any useful info to help I would greatly appreciate it.
you need to have faith. Be strong. BE POSITIVE. Dont let this win i know its alot easier said then done believe me... i had a really horrible scary terrifying trip in E that changed my life, open my eyes & made me realize whats important .. i started alot of reading about spirituality about the universe & its energy & also ive learned that self control is key. your Mind is never tierd its your body that is .. if you can be mentally strong & not feed into your bodys tierdness, weakness because the body will always be tierd but dont let it beat your mind. ur mind has to win everytime. if your mind wins you win the battle your fighting against your ego dont feed it ... be spiritual believe everythings going to be ok say it out loud to urself. Everything in this universe is made up of energy, energy waves & vibrations. when you speak positive you cause a vibration when u speak negativley you also cause a vibration ... a very different one ..energy attracts the same energy. when you think negative thoughts or say them even if u dont mean them they send out a message to the universe.. for ex: if something goes wrong & u say ... ugh f*** my life or ugh i wanna die right now or whatever it may be that u just say but not neccessarliy mean ur putting outc negative vibes that bounce back at you bc 1- what goes around comes around like a bouncing ball & 2- misery loves company ...dont let it win ... google : the power of positive energy & how to rid yourself of your ego ....when u feel tierd & ur laying in bed just before getting up stare at ur ceiling close ur eyes take 5 deep breaths thru ur nose & out thru ur mouth open ur eyes Say Thank you (out loud) 3 times. Close your eyes again and Take 3 more deep breaths. open your eyes again - out loud say: i am not tierd. i am alive. My mind is stronger then my body. i can do whatever i want. My mind controls my body, my body does not control my mind. ........ do that every morning before you get of bed in the morning. its like a form of meditation its the only way to release ur negative energy & turn it into positive energy & Then release it to the universe & thats what u will get back. Youtube meditation, converting negative energy into positive energy
oh my, anything I would suggest to you has already been ruled out by you, including seeking the help of a Medical Professional....you want to get better, but through osmosis, not hard work and the work you will end up doing is the hardest and the most satisfying work you will ever do. Even saving all the children from starvation in a third world country will never be as important as living fully the life that you were freely given all those years ago.
I know where you are coming from.
I know what you are looking for.
You can call Hope anything you want
But Hope, Like Love, is actually a verb.....
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