Aa
Borderline nonfunctional depressed
Hello,
I'm a single female & 30 years old no kids, never been married. I've always suffered from some sort of minor depression, OCD tendencies, anxiety, & severe insomnia. I went through a break up around the holidays in 2013 & that triggered the escalation of my depression. I have 3 college degrees up to a Masters & had plans to relocate this Fall & find a job in a new city to help get me out of this depression. However in June I got a misdemeanor charge of possession of Marijuana. I've been forced to put off my plans to move because of it. Due to this ongoing charge I can't really get hired anywhere outside of min wage job, which won't help me pay off student loans. I decided to go back to school for teacher certification as a means of buying time while this charge is being settled. However I can't go into the classroom until charge dismissed, which could take up to a year. Basically because Marijuana is the only thing I've found that gives me some sort of piece of mind in the evenings, I'm forced to put my whole life on hold for possibly a year. Yes I have a lawyer. I feel like I'm just falling further & further. I spend nearly all night crying & if lucky enough to actually fall asleep I wake up in tears. It literally takes every ounce of energy I have at this point to get out of bed. I'd rather just lie under the covers all day & not do anything. Every time I'm alone, especially each day during my 1 hour commute (one way; 2 hrs total), I'm crying my eyes out. Every second of every day I'm fighting the tears & pain back. I feel like I can't breathe. I feel disconnected from everyone & everything. I hate being back in school! I feel like I'm nothing & thus will amount to nothing. I contemplate suicide almost everyday. I know eitherway I'll never have kids of my own or be married because how can anyone possibly love me?! I feel like a complete failure in life. I'd give anything just to be able to sleep soundly for 8 hrs solid. However Im lucky to get 3 hours max. I'm so tired of being tired ALL the time; believe me, I've tried EVERYTHING meds & natural remedies galore for sleep. I hate taking any sort of prescription drugs, I only use herb (Marijuana) nothing helps with my anxiety, depression & insomnia, but that!! I'm on the verge of giving up entirely because I'm just a waste of space. Sorry if this seems scattered, but just typing what came to mind.
I'm a single female & 30 years old no kids, never been married. I've always suffered from some sort of minor depression, OCD tendencies, anxiety, & severe insomnia. I went through a break up around the holidays in 2013 & that triggered the escalation of my depression. I have 3 college degrees up to a Masters & had plans to relocate this Fall & find a job in a new city to help get me out of this depression. However in June I got a misdemeanor charge of possession of Marijuana. I've been forced to put off my plans to move because of it. Due to this ongoing charge I can't really get hired anywhere outside of min wage job, which won't help me pay off student loans. I decided to go back to school for teacher certification as a means of buying time while this charge is being settled. However I can't go into the classroom until charge dismissed, which could take up to a year. Basically because Marijuana is the only thing I've found that gives me some sort of piece of mind in the evenings, I'm forced to put my whole life on hold for possibly a year. Yes I have a lawyer. I feel like I'm just falling further & further. I spend nearly all night crying & if lucky enough to actually fall asleep I wake up in tears. It literally takes every ounce of energy I have at this point to get out of bed. I'd rather just lie under the covers all day & not do anything. Every time I'm alone, especially each day during my 1 hour commute (one way; 2 hrs total), I'm crying my eyes out. Every second of every day I'm fighting the tears & pain back. I feel like I can't breathe. I feel disconnected from everyone & everything. I hate being back in school! I feel like I'm nothing & thus will amount to nothing. I contemplate suicide almost everyday. I know eitherway I'll never have kids of my own or be married because how can anyone possibly love me?! I feel like a complete failure in life. I'd give anything just to be able to sleep soundly for 8 hrs solid. However Im lucky to get 3 hours max. I'm so tired of being tired ALL the time; believe me, I've tried EVERYTHING meds & natural remedies galore for sleep. I hate taking any sort of prescription drugs, I only use herb (Marijuana) nothing helps with my anxiety, depression & insomnia, but that!! I'm on the verge of giving up entirely because I'm just a waste of space. Sorry if this seems scattered, but just typing what came to mind.
It does feel sometimes like you are fighting a losing battle but if you lose who are you really losing to? The depression? Friends? Society? It is usually not the depression that really gets you. It is that you don't know how to stop the pain. I encourage you to always fight. I know it is not easy. I get tired of the fight too but no matter how depressed you get it is not likely the worse you have ever had. It is just depression. I promise every time you fight and win you do get stronger. You do not win and start all over at square one. You always get stronger so keep fighting.
what I'm going through at the moment is severe depression almost to the point of being nonfunctional, as well as severe insomnia & mild to severe anxiety. It has nothing to do with my neck or back when contemplating suicide on a daily basis.
Thank you so much for your kind words; brightened my spirits. Then I went to sleep & woke up feeling the same dark depression. I'm trying my best to keep going but it's just becoming more & more painful. I don't know how much strength I have left to fight. Feel like I'm just fighting a losing battle & might as well just give up.
I am so sorry you are going through this. I would certainly try a good chiropractor, this sounds weird for sure, but if you have misaligned vertebrae you can have all kinds of weird symptoms and issues. I am prone to anxiety, this usually happens when my neck is out, he adjusts my atlas/axis and bingo, the symptoms are better. Just a thought, but it might be worth a try.
I have to go ahead and speak my mind about this. I totally disagree with someone being charged with a minor possession. It makes me very upset to read your story. What happened was the f@$#ing system got you. You are in a bad spot and I understand. The thing is, you cannot change that now. You can find happiness in your situation.... I promise. I read your post and it seems you are very intelligent and the on thing wrong with this society today is we can do everything right (just like the a$$holes want us to do) and in the end you realize that God may have gave you free will but this messed up system can make you feel like you don't have it.
Once upon a time, a woman moved to a cave in the mountains to study with a guru. She wanted, she said, to learn everything there was to know. The guru supplied her with stacks of books and left her alone so she could study. Every morning, the guru returned to the cave to monitor the woman's progress. In his hand, he carried a heavy wooden cane. Each morning, he asked her the same question. "Have you learned everything there is to know yet?" Each morning, her answer was the same. "No," she said, "I haven't." The guru would then strike her on the head with his cane.
This scenario repeated itself for months. One day the guru entered the cave, asked the same question, heard the same answer, and raised his cane to hit her in the same way, but the woman grabbed the cane from the guru, stopping the assault in midair.
Relieved to end the daily batterings but fearing reprisal, the woman looked up at the guru. To her surprise, the guru smiled. "Congratulations," he said, "you have graduated. You know everything you NEED to know."
"How's that?" the woman asked.
"You have learned that you will never learn everything there is to know," he replied. "And you learned how to stop the pain."
Thoughts cause emotions and emotions cause behaviors. There are a lot of things that you can do to stop. Often people say I am depressed. Depression is the foundation for your thoughts and your thoughts feed the depression.
I am sorry this happened to you but I hope you can put it out of your mind. Don't look at the doors that are shut for you right now. Try to open new doors. Don't give up.
Our deepest fear not the way you are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, "who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous?" Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine as children do. We were born to make manifest of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us, it is in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fears, our presence automatically liberates others.....
Marianne Williamson
Once upon a time, a woman moved to a cave in the mountains to study with a guru. She wanted, she said, to learn everything there was to know. The guru supplied her with stacks of books and left her alone so she could study. Every morning, the guru returned to the cave to monitor the woman's progress. In his hand, he carried a heavy wooden cane. Each morning, he asked her the same question. "Have you learned everything there is to know yet?" Each morning, her answer was the same. "No," she said, "I haven't." The guru would then strike her on the head with his cane.
This scenario repeated itself for months. One day the guru entered the cave, asked the same question, heard the same answer, and raised his cane to hit her in the same way, but the woman grabbed the cane from the guru, stopping the assault in midair.
Relieved to end the daily batterings but fearing reprisal, the woman looked up at the guru. To her surprise, the guru smiled. "Congratulations," he said, "you have graduated. You know everything you NEED to know."
"How's that?" the woman asked.
"You have learned that you will never learn everything there is to know," he replied. "And you learned how to stop the pain."
Thoughts cause emotions and emotions cause behaviors. There are a lot of things that you can do to stop. Often people say I am depressed. Depression is the foundation for your thoughts and your thoughts feed the depression.
I am sorry this happened to you but I hope you can put it out of your mind. Don't look at the doors that are shut for you right now. Try to open new doors. Don't give up.
Our deepest fear not the way you are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, "who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous?" Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine as children do. We were born to make manifest of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us, it is in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fears, our presence automatically liberates others.....
Marianne Williamson
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