Can I solve this depression problem

[goodfortune]

Hey everyone, my whole story could be written in a novel so I will keep it to the point.  I was on zoloft last year for depression and taking pain killers for back pain.  I felt like I was becoming addicted to hydrocodone and quite taking lortab and zoloft altogether in fear of there ability to make me feel a false sense of well being.  Anyway I know what is causing the depression I just dont know how to fix the problem.  I am 35 and got married in 2000 to my present wife.  We now have 4 kids and life has changed dramatically for me.  I dont seem to be fitting into this lifestyle.  I dread being at home with everyone and am feeling overwhelmed all the time.  My wife wants me at home all the time and doesnt have any compassion for my feeling even when I get serious with her about them.  That brings up another problem, I have been smoking cigs since we started dating and shortly after we got married she stopped kissing me.  We have sex but its her lying there and me doing the work, ladies I do, I give massages, hot stone massages, I give oral stim, I try to satisfy her as much as I can maybe to make my experience better.  One problem is she does none of this for me,  Married for five years and I still cant get a massage or head, even trying to get a kiss she turns her head away.  She doesnt offer up any romance.  The romance doesnt exist anymore and I just hate this voluntary jailhouse that I live in.  My wife has no compassion, is rude and verbally abusive, I just cant take it anymore.... or am I being selfish

[idesofmarch]

You have more than depression going on there.  No you're not being too selfish. First, how did you stop your meds? Did you stop cold turkey or did you ease off of them?  Does the doctor know that you stopped taking them?  You really must address this problem with your depression first. I would seek a good psychologist one who can councel you and start you on medicine if needed. Second, once you get yourself help for a few months ask your wife into counceling as a part of your treatment.  There you can share your feelings again with a neutral mediator.  Are you saying that because you smoke, your wife won't kiss you etc.  If it is the smell that bothers her have you tried brushing your teeth and or showering before you kiss her(or make love)?  Has she changed after each child was born? Is she depressed too or does she like things the way they are? Do you give her ME TIME away from the house and children.  Do you have a date night once a month?  Is she the romantic type or is she practical?  Does she have any friends outside of your marriage.  If yes, are they happily married?

[RockRose]

Goodfortune,  why in the world did you pick that name?  I'm always curious about the names people pick,  some of them are so interesting.

I wonder if you could sit in your wife's computer chair for a moment and post what she feels like about her life.

My guess,  her post would go like this:


I've been married for six years to a guy I thought was wonderful.  He's a smoker,  and I can't stand the odor when I kiss him,  but otherwise I do love him.  We have 4 kids in 6 years.  I'm exhausted.  Absolutely exhausted.  He's become depressed since we got married I guess because he can't stand to come home and be around me and the children.  I call him at work all the time and ask him to come home,  he just dreads being here.  Why did he have all these kids if he didn't want them?  I really don't know.  He tries to have a good sex life but I'm so tired from taking care of the kids and I'm sad that he doesn't want to be here with us.  I had imagined a large wonderful happy family but it's like he just can't stand us.  He wants to have an active sex life,  it's like he still thinks I'm single,  and I never resist but I don't have the energy to give him what he's asking.  Help.  I feel like he's going to walk away and leave us,  he keeps claiming he's depressed and can't take anymore.  What can I do????  

Does that sound like a fair accounting of her side of it?  

Best wishes.  I don't know how the two of you can come together,  with you seemingly surprised that life would be like this with FOUR preschoolers.  

[goodfortune]

Thanks for the comments, I did take a reverse start up kit to get off the zoloft. I still had some dizzy spells and strange electrical sensations.  My wife and I dated for 10 years off and on before we got married.  We always seemed to get back together and in 2000 decided to marry.  The smoking/kissing thing never was an issue until shortly after our marriage.  Yes, I brush and swab my whole mouth with listerine, wintergreen ofcourse, but it doesnt change her actions.  She doesnt have any friends, motlsy hangs out with family. I offer her nites out, in preperation for my night out with the guys, but she stays at home.  No joke, I am talking less than 1 night a week. Usually less than one night every two weeks.  Tonight I am taking flak because I want to watch the Colts/NE game Sunday with friends.  She doesnt want to go, what gives ?

[goodfortune]

The screen name goodfortune came from a pack of cigarettes a beautiful girl from Myanmar (Burma) left in my car after a wonderful night on the town. Sherry, whom I was introduced to by a friend came to America to escape rape and murder in her own country.  I was inspired by her actions, her bravery, her stories, so vivid and real left a mark in my soul.  The cigarettes box had some asian marking that I cant read but the bold name was clearly, "Goodfortune" a bright red box.  I use the name when searching for truth and understanding.
  As for my personal efforts at home.  We live in a different age group than our parents which has yet to be defined.  My wife and I work full time jobs and share duties at home.  Make no mistakes, I put in my share of the work, I cook, I clean, I do laundry.  I may not want to be at home but I am there and do a fair share.  Women of today are not our mothers.  My father spent 3 nights a week in the bowling alley, one at the bar, two at home and one we shared at church.  I dont recall ever hearing my mom complain.  
  I offer to stay at home with the kids and allow my wife to have some "her" time but she usually refuses.  

  The last time I tried to talk about this whole subject some woman gets on and automatically tries too make me feel like I am not wraping my part of the package.  

I do however respect your time and comments.

[RockRose]

Goodfortune,  I wish you well.   You sound like you're in complete misery,  and you're not willing to entertain the idea that you're causing it and you chose it,  and your wife is surely not happier in this sad lonely mess than you are.

'Nuf said.

[goodfortune]

Nothing like online therapy

[RockRose]

Well,  you know what they say,  Goodfortune.  How many therapists does it take to change a lightbulb?  Only one,  but the lightbulb has to want to change.  ;D

This isn't therapy,  I know you meant that as a joke,  this is just a discussion board.

There are ways to make your marriage much better.  You have to be open to changing yourself in order to be happy.  When you change yourself,  your wife will probably change too,  and your life.

Best wishes.

[idesofmarch]

You mentioned church, does your present family go to church together and have prayer time as a family?  Is your wife the martyr type?  Are you?  You said that you do your share of work at home, that's great but do you complain, pout or drag your feet about doing it?  Does she complain about having to work so hard? Let me guess, she liked football when you weren't married but she doesn't like it now. Most people try to enjoy their love interest LIKES and then after the marriage the interest fades away.  Actually, we all do that right! Does she have any interest that you could share with her? Or both of you learn a new hobby together! Bowling, dance, photography. Are you very involved with the kids at dinner, bath & bedtime? Have you asked her why she doesn't want to have a night out? What if you took the kids out of the house so she can take a nap or soak in a bubble bath. It would be good for all concerned.  Each child should have some alone time with each parent also, even if it is an hour every week playing they're favorite board game or coloring together. Age/gender appropriate stuff. She seems to feel comfortable around family but has no friends, is she insecure or seem depressed? Does her family approve of you? I still think that you should plan a date night including the sitter(that can keep it secret)do something that she would enjoy and act like it's killing you or it's boring. Do this once a month and maybe she'll do it too.  Pay attention to her hints like -that looks like a good movie to go see-there's a new restaurant in town-a good band is playing at a hotel lounge.  Pay attention to what she says anyway but do listen for the hints. Prepare for Valentines Day on Feb 1st. Everyday til Feb 14th write little love notes or things you love about her and tape them to her mirror or the bedroom closet door. Maybe she will start feeling loved and sexy again.  Maybe she'll start doing nice things back. Get the kids involved - maybe they can put their notes on the frig. or in kitchen drawers to surprise her. Dual coupons- I give you a 10 min. neck rub then you do mine. Set the timer so you get equal time. Ask her how she would like to be kissed. Ask her to show you how. Date each other! If she seems too depressed or not interested in what she used to like then take her to the doctor for depression. Start an exercise program w/ her. Or the whole family walks around the block after dinner.  Start it without her if you have to, she'll soon want to be involved.

[anxiousmomtobe?]

Ides, great advice.

Good fortune:  I hope you are able to man up and work together with your wife so that all of you can be happy.  I know depression is a huge burden, but this is your life and it is going quickly and it's the only one you've got.

I wish you good luck.

[Kalio1]

what is a beautiful girl from Burma doing in your car after a "wonderful night on the town??"

I think you left a lot out of your story, are you faithful? If I had 4 preschoolers at home I sure would not want my husband out on the town with somewoman from Burma. I dont believe you do all that housework you claim to either.

You say your wife is a nag, you know what they say, behind every nag is a real as*. Mot women nag for a reason, it is usually because the man isn't doing what he said he would do or what he should do. YOu say you work full time yet think you should be able to go on Sunday and spend the day watching a ball game instead of helping with the 4 little kids you helped to make. Obviously you dont get how hard it is to care for 4 small kids day and night or you wouldnt leave her on Sundays to go watch football. You have 4 kids, try thinking about them before football. Try thinking about your wife too. I bet she does the lions share of work with the house and kids.

[here4theinfo]

This is a few months old, I have been out of the loop..Whatever, if there is anything, is going on, I hope it has gotten better. However, I suggest you guys get a sitter for the 4 kids and go out together. There is nothing wrong to go out and "pretend" like you dont know eachother to spice up the relationship. Sorry that you wrote and got a bunch of advice from grouchy people that take the womans side only. Good luck..

[lovealotspice1988]

leave the *****!!!!!!!!1

[lovealotspice1988]

if your not happy somthing is wrong fix it qiut screwing around with people get your *** together be there for your children and let them know that even though you dont love there mother anymore cause it sounds like ya dont let them know you still love them and wanted to be a better and happier person this is the on;ly way you could see it working if thats the problem