Can it really be

My husband and I have been married for 26 years. We were prosperous until the Town rezoning our commercial property and we lost a rather large profit; and then our home was wrongfully foreclosed on and then the IRS redeemed our home without the required notices - we have several law suits. I have teenagers at home - they seem to be OK, but I know that it is not normal what my husband is doing and I need to talk to someone. He talks about killing himself all the time; yells; cuts me know constantly; I am doing all of the work to support our home and family and I'm trying to keep it normal, but it is not. He does cook sometimes (he likes to cook); he does the wash lately and is helpful around the home, but he murmers; cusses, calls me names; tells me he wants to get out of this life; he is angry; he  interrupts every conversation I have while doing business - talking out loud; cussing; angry. My children tell me not to listen, but its hard - I am especially worried about the kids hearing him say the things he says. He continues to say he is going to kill himself and threatens to ________ anyone who tries to take him from the home. At the moment, he appears to be leaving somewhere - should I feel worried or relieved? What is normal?

[Mike5709]

Good Morning...You might consider calling your/his doctor to get some professional advice about your husband's behavior. As I read your post, I became concerned that this downward progression could lead to something more than words.

I also would not assume your kids are OK. You should talk with them openly about what is occurring, your personal fears and what you are doing to get their father help. Children learn from what they see and if you simply accept your husband's behavior they could think it is OK for a man to treat women like that or for a women to simply tolerate it.

Letting them know how you feel may open them up to tell you how they feel. They need to know their father is not well and that together you will do everything you can to help him.In the meantime you all need to come together and take care of each other.

You need professional advice and guidance. Please for the sake of your children and yourself and your husband......do it now.

I only wish the best for you...

[itsnotok]

Thank you for the response. My husband tried talking to a professional once, but it didn't go well. The professional actually was angry for him being 13 minutes late to his 3rd meeting, even after we had called. It made my husband feel even more down on himself. He never went back. As for the kids, I feel horrible that they have to hear and see their dad like this, but we do discuss it and they know that their dad is having a difficult time handling life right now. They know that their fathers behavior is not right and we all pretty much try to avoid confrontations. Unfortunately, they expect him to someday kill himself - they were afraid of it, but now that he says it almost everyday...we know that it could happen. He won't go for help and he refuses to change his behavior. It may sound cold but I don't know what else to do except try to build him up and tell him he can make it through and we will be fine. He does read the Bible daily and I believe that is what keeps him going - he tries to have a new beginning each day but then it begins going bad...

Kim

[boogieman]

Hi. This behavior is definitely cause for concern. Someone that doesn't care about their own life could be dangerous to others as well. If he won't get help, you need to take steps to protect yourself and your children. You can let him know in no uncertain terms that he has to get help if he wants to keep his family, as his behavior is having a negative effect on you and your kids. I don't know about the laws where you are, but in NC the statements he has made would be enough to have him involuntarily commited for a minimum of 72 hours. A professional evaluation is definitely in order and the sooner the better. If there was a bad experience with the previous therapist find another. Do others such as friends or family know about this? If so, what is their opinion? Has he ever been physically abusive or violent? Is he drinking or using other drugs? Please advise and take care GM-

[wellb]

Hi,
In your last post you'd mentioned that you'd gone in for Counseling once but that the therapist got angry with you both for being 15 minutes late..... yieks!
Well, to me it sounds like you may just need to try another counselor. The one you got sounded just terrible! Most of them are pretty good, not like the one you got.

However, if your husband is at the state you're describing, then it sounds like he probably wont try marital counseling or family counseling at this point anyhow. But, in my opinion, your husband really needs professional help for himself FIRST, then maybe later on ,  he can contribute to family conseling.

His angry outbursts could get worse, btw. That can be dangerous even for you and your kids.

Even though he talks about killing himself, he also takes his anger (verbally) out on you, and that points to something besides just depression. Sometimes these type of outbursts start with verbal abuse and then progress to other abuse forms.

As poster Boogieman asked you, does your husband drink?
Boy oh boy, if so, then the alcohol could be contributing to that anger.
Not good news.

Do not hesitate to call 911 if your husband's anger progresses to a more violent nature. I say this because something has been brewing inside of him for a while now and he could "burst"---if you know what I mean.

[heyjude1]

You are right, it's not okay.  Anytime some one talks about suicide, especially all the time, it needs to be taken seriously.  He is probably in a terrible depression.  You really need to get your husband to a phycharist, therapist or even a family doctor, he needs some help.

[itsnotok]

Thank you everyone for listening. I asked him to leave. He won't. He slept almost all day today. He is just upset about everything and yes he does drink too much. Two days in a row now he has had outbursts of anger because the kids break something by accident. He doesn't hit them, but he screams and jumps up - it just isn't normal. I can't believe it is coming to this - I want him to change, I want everything to be like it was. I guess I just see his actions as selfish - I don't understand depression...I know are family is under pressure, but aren't alot of other families too. I remind him that there are so many people hurting out there why should he be so upset. We live in a beautiful home on the water; have great kids (one is having a problem at school believing none of his teachers like him and one teacher told him today that she doesn't like him because he thinks he is better than everyone else). I couldn't believe this - his brother is one year older and alot to live up to...I keep on telling him that they just don't know him. I love my family...I just want my husband to quit acting like he does. He does drink too much. I do worry if he will go over the deep end - he is angry at so many people. I don't know if what he says is real or he is joking in a bad way. He won't go for help and he won't leave. Our family because of the economy has gone from prosperous to poverty - holding onto our home by a thread as we are sueing the IRS for seizing our home through paperwork without us knowing and then selling it to someone else without us even knowing. It is kind of a night mare. I did tell him tonight that he must go tomorrow - I guess that is why I'm up at 1:07 am. I just can't sleep very well. I just want him to nornal.

[itsnotok]

One more thing that has not helped - he had a stroke 12/31/09 and we spent the night in the hospital for about 3 days. His arm was affected some - can't lift things right with his left arm. He is now taking blook pressure pills for the 1st time - he is 60 now. He won't call for disability or anything - just is upset about everything. You know, I do believe that drinking is probably a big part of the problem, but he won't stop drinking. He says it relaxes him. He sometimes even sits in his chair and starts drinking in the afternoons now. He then, sometimes, goes to bed early. I just think it would be good if he left even for a while, he doesn't have anywhere to go though - we were always a close family and we didn't go very many places - mainly just baseball games or field hockey games.

[itsnotok]

You know - my husband and I are believers. I graduated from Bible College - he reads his Bible everyday - even through all of what is happening. He just is mad and believes God is not around. He talks alot about the devil - like the devil is doing this or that, lashing out angry that God is allowing it all to happen to him. I told him to think on good things, and to appreciate what we do have, but he just won't listen. He only gets happy when good news comes in about our lawsuit. He does talk to our neighbors - I love our neighbors. They are wonderful, behind us all the way...They don't know what my husband is doing. No one knows but me and the kids. One of my daughers is 24 and living away - she gets counseling as this whole thing has hurt her, but she is doing wonderful. Has her own family, including my grandson who is 5. My other daughter goes to college - even though she has a dorm room, she always wants to be home or at least in the area with her friends or at home. She seems to be doing well. Home life is just not what I believe it should be. I have only been married once and I have been married as long as I haven't. I just wish it could have been different. I wish our family had been happier. Sometimes we are happy, but most of the time everyone is upset about something or other - I'm working at trying to have everyone not get so upset about little things, but with my husband always harping on everything as if it wouldn't be ok if he wasn't involved in everything. I believe it would be peaceful without him - I'm sorry, but I'm tired of the feeling that he has to be in everyones business and angry and controlling. It's not like everything has to be perfect - who cares - isn't it better to have a peaceful home than argue and complain and murmur all the time?

[itsnotok]

You asked if he has been violant before, yes he has. Not real bad, just pushed me down before or pushed something over at me. Tonight when my son was in our room, my son was upset about something and grabbed the bed post - we have a poster bed with tall posts - the post kind of came loose as it has before. Well my husband jumped up, cussed loudly at my son and knocked the post off the bed across the room toward my son. I went up to see my son as he went upstairs and he said the post hit him. My husband just got back in bed and went to sleep. I told him at that time that he has to go because he is getting out of control. He says he is, but he won't. In the morning he will be fixing coffee, acting like nothing ever happened and we will sit down together and start talking about the next legal steps to take. He reads the Bible and the newspaper and another day begins. He has not hit me recently and it seems so rare. When he does, it is usually because we are in an arguement - I don't argue very much anymore - nothing matters enough to argue unless he is cussing at the kids or says something mean to them - I believe that building the kids up is the best thing to do and I talk to them alot - he is anxious to tell them how to do everything and is mad at little things. He can be very nice though. He likes to cook dinner everyday - I can't keep him out of the kitchen. Most women would love it - I believe he cooks to be important or something. He doesn't understand that I think he should be working and not trying to control so much of the home front. He is angry so much...not when he cooks. He is not always angry. I just want a happy home for the kids to come home to - not as soon as they come home for their dad to begin on them.

[wellb]

hi again,it's me WellB,

Quick comment about something you stated in a previous post :

... I can't believe it is coming to this - I want him to change, I want everything to be like it was. I guess I just see his actions as selfish - I don't understand depression...I know are [sic] family is under pressure, but aren't alot of other families too. I remind him that there are so many people hurting out there why should he be so upset...."


The reason I caught on to the above statement is because Depression is not to be confused with "temporary blues"....  NOT THE SAME.  

Depression , especially a Major Depression, which your husband may actually have right now,  entails chemical changes in his brain----changes that involve the synapses in his brain, seratonin release, etc, etc...

Just telling your husband basically to "snap out of it" wont work. In fact, that might anger him more because he probably feels like a failure for not being able to "snap out of it".  He will interpret your loving statement of: "aren't other families in pain also?" to mean that you do not understand his feelings. Take it from a Depressive (ie:me) that's had similar statements said to me, also by loving family memebers.

You see, with a serious Depression, your husband cannot just wish his sadness away.
Nor can he wish his depression away by thinking of the other people that suffer more than him, or have less than him.

Right now, his Depression is probably so deep that he feels like he is living in a hole and cannot crawl back out if it. That's what Depression feels like.

Imagine a 50 foot hole in  the ground, and your husbandd is at the bottom , trying desperately to crawl out... but every time he reaches 2 feet ,he falls back down. Over and over again---every single day,365 days a year!

THAT's DEPRESSION!

It's awful and I would not wish that feeling on my worst enemy (as they say).

Ok, so what I'm getting at is that he needs to go to a SPECIALIST (ASAP).This could be his regular Doctor, or a Therapist, or a Counselor, and/or preferably a Psychiatrist!

These specialist can evaluate the severity of his situation, (which to me sounds critical) and then prescribe a medication that can get the chemicals in his brain "going again"---as normal as possible!

Don't get me wrong, I don't advocate that we should all be taking meds. No,no.

But in serious cases, the medications are the only things that can re-adjust the brain chemicals inside certain people's brains---as quickly as possible!
The longer he waits, the worse it is for him (& thus, his anger and frustration) . That's why I said for him  to go to a Doc ASAP.

Right now, your husband is "SELF-MEDICATING" with alcohol.
It's the only thing he knows to do, because the pain level is that high for him!

Once he gets on a correct medication, he wont need that alcohol to help his depression,(hopefully).

The medication will releave his pain somewhat, so he will be able to see life from a much more positive perspective. The meds will be like a "perspective change" for him. It's what he needs...a new perspective!

Right now he feels like a failure, as you said.....I feel sorry for him.

The medications will help him to see how LUCKY he is to have you ,the kids, his health, etc.
Even though he had a stroke, he still needs help with his Depression ASAP. His stroke might be on the mend, but his Depression is worsening, it seems.

WellB

[boogieman]

Hi. You mentioned he hasn't hit you RECENTLY? Once is too many- I don't care what the circumstances. This situation will most likely escalate. Don't wait until you or your kids end up in the hospital or worse. Contact your local law enforcement to find out what resources and options are available, and check out alanon as you will find others there who have been where you are, and can give you more practical advice. Don't put it off- this is a very serious situation and needs to be addressed before something really

[boogieman]

Cont'd bad happens that can't be repaired. Take care, GM