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Can't go on ....
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Can't go on ....

I'm really scared of committing suicide.  I see a therapist who does not hand out meds easily but she can't be there  all the time.  This weekend I nearly jumped in front of the subway.  There are times when I take over the counter meds intending to commit suicide.  I HATE IT!!!!  The reality is that I have had a number of losses that all came around the same time.  Now I am facing another loss over which I have no control and I'm scared of the helplessness and despair that make me want to commit suicide.  It's like hanging on by my fingernails.  My emotions and spirit hurt.  I want to make some changes but fear I'm too old to get a job, that I can't focus - there's more but don't want to write too much and bore everybody.  I don't think I really want to commit suicide or I wouldn't be afraid of doing it but am scared that an impluse might make me do it because hanging on is so difficult.

I'm hurting and in emotional and spiritual pain - like that Trent Reznor song sung by Johnny Cash "Hurt", that song really hits home.   I can't be any clearer.  I hurt and I'm scared I'll commit suicide.  Am afraid someone will say, "Do it and make the world a better place."

That's it.  Didn't mean to take up so much time.  After reading the posts on here I wonder if I have any right to inflict  my pain on others.   Fear of judgement or rejection.

lonewolf07
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Please don't take any actions. You have a purpose here you may not know what it is today but someday you will.     Try to reach your therapist and keep as busy as possible.  I know just a change of space can sometimes trigger a mood change.  Getting a job or volunteering is a great idea do it today get ready and act on it and focus on doing that until you make one positive step in that direction( just find a phone book and make a list of places you can volunteer) even if you don't accomplish it today it may help  to focus on doing so.          So sorry you are feeling so awful.  You are not the first to feel this way and you will get through this!!
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There is help out there. These things you are feeling are horrible to have to feel...  but remember these feelings will pass. It is a terrible thing- being deprssed. I have been there many times and felt I had hit the bottom, but with treatment I have come out of it. I know there is hope for you. Please call your therapist or doctor if you feel that you may do something to harm yourself.
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also I would try to see a doctor or psychiatrist who can asess you more thoroughly, and perhaps put you on medication to stabalize your moods. :)
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if you're really feeling like you're going to hurt yourself, get yourself to a hospital asap.  there is no shame in spending time in an acute unit if it saves your life.  dont wait until youre in the grip of an episode.  just go.  the only thing you should die of is old age.  
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