Completely lost myself

I want to thank everyone for caring. My mother use to treaten suicde ALL the time. And stressed if she did nobody would take me. I had a bleeding ulcer by age 12. One time she was in the hospital and I was staying with my great-aunt. At that I cried myself to sleep. When she asked me why I was crying I to her about my mother threating to kill herself all the time.As long as I live I'll remember that night. She told me people who repeatly threaten suide don't because someone could stop them. Maybe that's why I posted about was I suidial. And you did. I guess I needed someone to say there are other options. And you did. Through your comments you made me realized I have to stop feeling sorry for myself. Reading other post is being to see how lucky I really am. From now on I am detered to live for myself. When I was young I rode and competed with horses. I could lift as much as a man. I've bred and shown dogs. I groomed dogs for years for other people, then I opened my shop and it was a huge success. What I'm getting at is I have overcome propblems. I have stood up for myself. Now I've given up and barely stand. My first husband knew that sometimes when I wanted to accomplish something that seemed impossible I'd get frustrated and take no actions. But then I'd get mad I could do just about anything. Anger is a bad thing, but sometimes it's a useful tool for me. Atfer Nickie died I couldn't pull from that tool. I was completely defeated.My husband now doesn't understand and gets upset when he thinks I'm too upset. Over the last 6 year I've stopped driving, John drives everywhere but it's my car. I'm going on too long, I'm sorry. I guess I see where my strenght and motivation was gone. It's time to get it back! I can't stop the pain but I can not let it stop me. You have no idea what it means to have all of you listen and especially care! I love you all  Gail