Depressed Hubby refuses to seek help

Hello,

I believe that my husband over the past couple of years has become very depressed.  He's always been somewhat verbally abusive, however, things have escalated now, he's rarely happy, constantly stressing has put on about 50 pounds (which he says is most of his stress) and is so negative about everything that Ive got to the point where I can hardly stand to be in the same room with him.  I tried for a full year to keep his spirits up, and always try to make his life easier for him, and NONE of it helped, all it did was wear me out physically and mentally.  He refuses to seek treatment, saying theres NOTHING wrong with him, although most of his family has confronted him on it, and many of his friends have mentioned it to me.  I feel like Ive fallen out of love with him... He could be mean before this depression set in, now he can be just ruthless... and we have a beautiful 3 year old girl that is witnessing things I dont want her to ever have to see.

He seems extremely unstable, cries at the drop of the hat (mostly where daughter is concerned), gives me the "youre all ive got" speech all the time, makes me swear to never leave him.....  He always used to exude charisma, now all he exudes is negativity, despair..... Its brought me so far down that I dont want to be married to him if he continues to be like this....But Im afraid to leave because of what he may do in his despair to himself or our daughter.  I told myself Id give it a year to see if it starts to work out again, but he's not gotten any better, and refuses to seek any kind of help (and has VERY STRONG opinions about me discussing anything about our problems with anyone).  My year will be up in January.... I dont want to leave him knowing that he wont be able to cope, but I dont know how much longer I can take it.  (He drinks too much too..... a whole other issue)....  If I leave, I want to make sure he's in a strong enough place to cope with it.... and he's far from that now..
Im looking for help on how to get him to help himself.  I want him to be able to build himself up to what he once was.... any advice will be appreciated...


-Onefish

[Venora Moonwind]

Untill your hubby realizes his need for help there is little you can do. the best thing for you would be to distance yourself and your daughter from him and lay down the law that he needs to seek treatment in order for you to be together. sometimes we have to hit rock bottom before we seek help. some people never do got it. I hope this isnt the case for you but you do not need to be in an abusive atmosphere with your daughter to witnes.
I think it is harder for men to admit there is something wrong and it will probably take you leaving him ti realize this. Plus he will have nobody to blame if you arent there to take the hits.I am praying for you and yourlittle girl and I am praying that yourhubby  is will to seek the help he needs.let me know how you are and if you need to talk I will be here.
Love Venora

[BS65]

This sounds a lot like another post that I also responded to yesterday about her husband doing many of the same things and again alcohol was an issue as was being verbally abusive and threatening. I am going to say to you pretty much the same thing as I said to the other lady....don't take this ****! He is being manipulative and has no interest in YOU or your daughter's best interests because if he did he would do something. So I don't know why you feel you need to put his best interests before yours and your daughters. I know that women often do this and men have no problem dumping the women they supposedly love and instead decide it is easier to make their lives miserable. What kind of love is that? It is only love of oneself, which is what men get caught up in when they are in this cycle. They don't want help, they insist no outsiders get involved, they deny anything is wrong with them, and they threaten you in various ways either with physical harm or harm of themselves, if you threaten to leave them. That is the manipulation part right there and they know it.

It often times take a HUGE JOLT in reality in order to make someone see the light and seek some kind of help to get over, get past, or get rid of the problems they are having and causing. The huge jolt is you leaving if you said you were going to because you don't need to be in an miserable atmosphere and ESPECIALLY for your daughter who is learning very negative things and will hold that in her subconscious FOREVER. Believe me, I know because when I was a little girl up to the age of 5 my parents were together and my dad was just like this and he was an alcoholic and he was abusive. I remember everything and not only when I was 5, I remember a lot from when I was 3 because that is when my brother was born and I remember him being there as a new baby and this going on.

So please think more about what this is doing to your daughter than what it will do to a grown man that cares little about what HE is doing to you and your daughter. You can only stick by someone for so long but soon they become a leech and suck the life right out of you and everyone around you.

And to be honest, the reason why men like this don't want you to talk to anyone about your personal life and they refuse to seek help is because they know they need to change or that there is something seriously wrong going on here but they don't want to be held accountable for their actions and it is much easier to just stay the same way and not do any work to change. How selfish is that? You have been UNSELFISH long enough and it is time to take action. I am glad you came here as a step towards making some positive changes.

Good luck to you and PLEASE keep us posted on how things are going there.

[Jade59]

Yes!!!  Absolutely correct.  Well said.

[GH46]

Try to get your husband to get a blood test. I was suffering with the same symptoms and thought it was depression. It was scary. I went to an endocrinologist. He discovered that my pituitary gland was not functioning. All of my hormone levels were almost undetectable. The symptoms mirror those of chronic depression! Growth Hormone plays an important role in adults as it does in children. I began taking Humatrope ( growth hormone) and Andro-Gel (testosterone). I felt normal again!! It was wonderful. After a year, I tried to stop taking the Humatrope. The symptoms returned and I felt like I was going into major depression. I resumed the Humatrope and the symptoms disappeared.

I am 40 years old and had low test for years. I found it amazing how many of my male friends that were suffering with symptoms of depression and felt they had nowhere to turn, only to find that their testosterone was low. The common factor in all of these friends is that we have high stress jobs and raising a family. I do believe that stress plays a major role in mental and physical health.

Your husband needs to see a QUALIFIED physician! It disappointed me that my general physician had tested my blood many times but never checked my hormones further than just testosterone.