Depressed and lost

I am a 45 year old combat veteran, retired from the army. My life is total Hell. I can't stand being told something is wrong. I get extremely angry when my wife does this. I have not had sex in over 2 years because my wife doesn't want to. My children are disrespectful and selfish. I am the only one in the house who works and we can barely make it. I take anti-depressants and see a VA shrink but I am in a tail spin.

[mammo]

First of all, "thanks for your service."  Maybe it's time you start thinking about YOU and your wants and needs.  If your wife feels you can do nothing right, won't have sex with you and your children are disrespectful....why bother?  You deserve to have a happy life, and living like you are is not accomplishing this.  Please don't say it's for the children, trust me it is far better for them to have two happy homes than one unhappy home.  They sense the anger and unhappiness, they are like sponges. I can certainly understand why you feel like giving up, but you don't really want to do this.  Your children need you, no matter how old they get.  But you will be a better father when you are happy. Confront your wife about all this, she shouldn't be calling all the shots in this marriage.  Tell her how you feel, and see how she responds.  If she doesn't care enough to work things out, then you need to move on and start living your life as a happy man.  Right now it sounds like everyone is unhappy, and you feel you can't do enough, this is not fair to you!  I think the pressure of it all is resting on your shoulders, again not fair.  It's never too late to change your life around, with or without your wife.  It's time for you, make this happen.  Take care.

[ginger899]

For a start, most civilians don't understand what a combat soldier has been through, and experienced. They are life-changing experiences, and having retired, you probably no longer have contact with kindred spirits, (those who went through similar) You are on a different track in some ways to  average people. That in itself can make you feel quite alone and not understood, and what is in your knowledge, is not in theirs, and vice-versa. This can be scary, it can be frustrating, it can cause deep pain, it can cause irritability or even bouts of anger.
It sounds like you are working hard to support a family, while getting little respect or comradeship back for it. It could be that your wife doesn't mean you  harm, but for some reason has just 'gone off' sex, which is driving a wedge between you.
Do you love her, and do you honestly believe she loves you? If so, then it's time to try to communicate and listen to each other, and try to work this out.
Maybe your children need to learn some respect. Children can be like this. Rebellious. It's in their nature. But they must respect their father. Can you share anything at all with them? Sit down with them and watch tv, or jokes, or a meal together....or anything? Is there no common ground that either exists and has been neglected, or that can be created? Can you make friends with them at all in any way?

[paxista]

Welcome, Jarvs. It's good to meet a fellow veteran here. I recognize that total Hell. I consider myself blessed for never seeing live combat action, though a few times it was close. Some of my buddies have, and that changes you.
  Army docs and VA shrinks are hit or miss. You probably have a lot of issues that need resolving before you can find peace. It sounds like the shrink you have right now isn't making progress. It's ok to change doctors.
  However, I totally disagree with mammo (good intentions aside). It is not ok to dump your family. Despite their faults, they are a support network. Separation and divorce don't solve a thing. I have seen too many buddies spiral further into Hell following a divorce. Ups and downs are normal in a marriage, even really big ups and downs.
  I see that your wife is not supporting you in every way that you would like, but make a little list of some of the things she does that help. She has stuck with you through many deployments, and she's still speaking to you. While you're at it, make a list of what you are doing for her. You both deserve a little credit for your loyalty.
   Dr Chapman's 5 Love Languages (see internet search) helped open my eyes. I don't necessarily agree with all of his conclusions, but the descriptions of the 5 are very good. I'm sure they have it at your library.
  Anger: a lot has been said at anger. A Navy psych told us that we get angry because something hurts and someone is touching that sore spot. Let the person know that it hurts and please don't touch. I got into the habit of thinking "I hate x" when something was unpleasant. I knew I had to stop that. When I thought "I hate ..." I'd immediately stop it and think "I love my wife" or "I love my family." Now, several years later, "I love ..." comes to my mind frequently. It's an automatic response. Then I can stop and think about something positive that I appreciate.
  Disrespectful and selfish: They are upset with you about something. Probably a lot of somethings. Appreciation may not be something that was spoken of much around the home. That's where the disrespect comes from. Selfishness like mammo is encouraging is rampant in our society, so much so that we start to repeat it ourselves. That's not what your career was founded on. We own up to our mistakes; we apologize to both those higher and lower in rank when we screw up; we give praise when praise is due (one leader would say, "Good enough for now", or "You're getting there" when one took a step in the right direction); we build teamwork when we express thanks; we see that people really can change for the better.
  I'd be remiss not to admit that God has helped me. A lot. When I didn't deserve it. Whether or not we believe it, it's still true. He's mighty strong.
Feel free to contact me, brother-in-arms.

[mammo]

I'm not telling this man to leave his wife!  If you read my post you will see that I tell him to confront his wife.  I've seen many people stay with their husband or wife when they were miserable on both sides, but neither wanted to be the first to say good-bye. People change????? I haven't seen it and I am very involved in my church.  The ones that claim to have changed are usually the ones that did something terrible in their marriage, they find God and feel all should be forgiven....that's not the real world!  Many find God for convenience, and to serve their purpose for the moment.  Later, we find they are still the same person.  You claim to be a follower of Christ, yet you stand in judgement of me....proves my point.  The so called Christians that judge are plentiful.

[paxista]

"I'm not telling this man to leave his wife! "
"it is far better for them to have two happy homes than one unhappy home"
"It's never too late to change your life around, with or without your wife."
I'm sorry I misinterpreted your words.
-peace

[showsover]

Its sad your wife is witholding romance from you. I honestly don't thing she means harm. Your kids yikes! Its hard to change their patterns because they are their own person. Many patterns they learned happened when they were kids. VERY hard to break that. Many people don't know just how much they hurt you.  If talking doesn't work for your wife and kids (I'm quite sure you have expressed your feelings), writing a letter helps. I say put a letter down to each one, and give it to them. Get it all out in the open. Everything. Hold nothing back.  If your kids are older, it may be better to email them. Barbara Rose is great you can google her. She has so many articles on self esteem/emotional issues. borntoinspire.com   It sounds as if you need to look at yourself. Does your wife reflect things that you do yourself?  Honestly relationships are a huge mirror. They reflect back to you what you refuse to see in yourself. Good luck, and please keep hope alive. Keep posting!

[Northcoast]

I just wanted to post to thank you for serving our country.  Is there any group therapy available for combat vets?  Where you can connect with others who have gone through the same thing?  Also, perhaps marriage counseling can help.  Over even just a heart to heart talk with your wife about how you feel.  She'll have feelings too and you have to listen to where she's at in her life.  She could be approaching menopause and dealing with dwindling hormones or experiencing her own blues.  If you love her, tell her.  And tell her it's time you both make some changes to make BOTH of you happier.  That way you work as a team to get the kids in line.  And both of your needs are heard and hopefully met.  Remember when you first realized you wanted to spend your life with her and then tell her about it.  Try to reconnect to that spark you had.  Go for walks together...and hold hands and talk.  Just because you're in a rut right now doesn't mean it has to be that way forever.  Write your own rules for how you both want your marriage to proceed.  I wish you all the best.  Big hug!  Good luck!  Keep us informed on how you're doing!  It's going to be allright!

[wineandroses]

All of the above adivse sounds good and helpful.  I just want to say that you really need to be pulled out of your depression before you attempt to make any major decisions regarding your life.  Depression  has a way screwing up our ability to make clear decisons and can only put more stress on you.  
You mentioned you are seeing a physc-doc, have you told him you are still depressed and you are having alot of issues at home?  Perhaps a tweak in your medication can help you cope with the stress and depression to give you a clear mind and time to know what you want to do.  

I agree with all the above that it would be beneficial to see a therapist and a marriage counselor if you feel you want to save the marriage or perhaps you will find the marriage cannot not be salvaged. Your children could be acting out from all the stress in the home.