Depressed friend. Need info. PLZ

Hello all,

I posted here before asking for help with a friend of mine who’s depressed. Thank you to all those that have already replied. I need more information, I’m hitting a wall, as I have never been depressed, especially clinically.

My friend is not getting help at the moment. He hasn’t talked about it either. I got as far as him telling me how he feels day to day, and I try my best to cheer him up, but any smile goes away in less than a minute. He says things like “I feel like the world is collapsing around me and I cant breath”, “I feel like I have no control over anything in my life”. He cant write an email, as words do come out. I am pretty sure that this is clinical depression, as things in his life aren’t that bad and I’m pretty sure he has been dealing with a mood like this for a long time, years.

Can someone explain to me what clinical depression feels like? Please.
I also would like to know what can I do as a friend, I live pretty far and cant always be there in person, but if needed I will be.

Questions I should ask? Things I should say? I been reading about it, but its not enough. Please help.

Thanks in advance :)

[myersnpooh]

Hello, my name is April. I have been living with depression for almost years now. I was married in 2001', biggest mistake in my life, but anyhow... All I can tell you from my experiences is just being there to listen, or to talk, or to hold him your arms and saying it will be okay would be enough for me. As for my husband he ignores me and this only makes matters worse. But I am sure your being there really means alot to this friend. I know it would be for me. When (or if) he should cry, be that shoulder to lean on, when he talks be that ear to listen, when he says I just wanna get out then take him for a drive. All I can advise is "just be there for him".

I am here if you need to get things off your chest,
April M.

[broke123]

April - thank you for your reply.

i am sorry to hear that your husband doesnt understand what you are going through. i asked some friends of mine about my friend and they all said "tell him to suck it up and deal with it". I pretty much live my life under those words as well, i suck it a lot and just deal with whatever the problem is. However, i dont think its appropriate for everyone. Esp. when it comes to "clinical depression", as its not a matter of being strong, if something off in your chemical balance in ur brain, there wont be anything u can do about it. To that i can only relate during PMS, sometimes it just makes u feel moody and sad and it has nothing do with what goes on in your life, you just feel pooppy and there is nothing u can do about it.

As for my friend, if he would TALK about it, i could be there to listen and to be a shoulder, but he doesnt talk about it at all. he doesnt talk to anyone pretty much about his life. he chooses to keep it all to himself. according to him he just doesnt want to be a burden on anyone. im sure if he would talk it might get a little easier, i just dont know how to get him to talk. forget crying, some serious walls will need to be broken before he gets to crying.

I am trying to be there for him, so far nothing is happening. I think he shut down again, cuz even txt msgs went away. i asked today how he is, he said better. i am not sure i believe him...

[birdie0907]

If it is clinical depression, most likely he doesn't want people around. Everything seems purposeless and bleak.It couples with anxiety and the 2 can build up to create so much misery that it seems normal to live with anguish, and hope seems like something for other people. My dep/anx combo took up 50 seconds of every waking minute and when it built to that point, it seemed there couldn't be any solution, but I was one of the lucky 80% or so that meds worked for.
A dep. can build over time so the depressed person is constantly pulled down to deeper depths that are harder to recover from, so it is important to seek help soon, usually with meds so he gets a bit of a break from the constant bleakness.
It takes a professional to determine if it is clinical, and a psychiatrist is best. If he is prescribed meds and they work, it is also helpful for him to work on the problem also by meditating, volunteering, cognitive behavior therapy etc. He can read about the choices at a library, so he should be able to find something that suits his interests.
If the meds work and he takes advantage of the disappearance of the depression to try to resolve the situation, perhaps over time he can come off the meds and be happy. That is at least 6 months down the road, so cross that bridge if it happens and write back here about it.
All you can do is point him in the right direction and see if he will seek professional help, as your hugs and attempts to make him happy are not what he is capable of dealing with.

If it is not clinical and he is just unhappy living with a bad situation, such as what myersnpooh seems to be describing going through, counseling might resolve it. There are many solutions for this kind of situation and they do not involve meds. Again as with a clinical depression, but to a greater extent because meds will not be an option to help with a non-clinical dep, he would need to work hard to deal with his emotions.

[birdie0907]

Rereading your post, I see you want to know what it feels like so here goes. One night during the dep/anx anguish (that I bore alone because I knew no one could possibly understand what it was like) my mother got into an argument with my sister about whether or not her neighbor's comment was an insult. My sister said no that was not the intent, but my mother said we were not the kind of people the neighbor said we were. My sister and her argued back and forth just a few times about the comment, neither giving in to the other, which made me feel I was going crazy and had to go around the corner and pop a few Ativans (temporary anxiety suppressers).

That is how frightening it gets. Your friends can never understand if they haven't lived with it because it seems impossible that a sane person can change to be clinically depressed, so it is not surprising they tell him to suck it up. A dep person just wants some relief from the dep but doesn't believe it can ever occur so he can get very frightened thinking about how bleak the world seems. It was truly amazing how the bad feelings slowly melted away the longer I took the med, (They take 4-8 weeks for the effect to fully develop in your brain so you do not go on them for a week or so then quit) allowing me to regain my life. Write back if you want more info.

[broke123]

thank you for your reply and for sharing your experiences.

so far there is no progress and i havent spoken to him about seeing a specialist. he chooses not to talk about anything but basic day to day things. he also asked me to stop asking "how are u today?" so i did.

he invited me to go to the movies this weekend and i agreed. i will talk to him about some of the issues hes having then, i think it might be easier in person for him.

we will see...

[birdie0907]

You can try to help, but you can't live his life, so try not to get down about it. He is the one that has to make the decisions to seek help.

[broke123]

I dont know what to do...

update: my friend refuses to seek medical help. he does not want to be on meds. i pulled away from his life as i thought he was doing better (i am an ex to him, so its a little weird in that sense, but we are friends), so i didnt want to remind him of a break up with my presence. saw him recently and he is so much worse... he cant lie to me face to face so when i ask a question about his depression he answers. and what he says scares me to death. he's suicidal. he says things like "i dont want to be alive, there is no point" he says that there is no point in anything, everything is bleak and nothing is worth the pain that he feels all the time. i see the pain in him, i saw his eyes getting watery when he was telling me about his pain. he has no appetite at all and has lost a lot of weight, he doesnt take care of himself and he cant sleep, only few hours per night and its a constant struggle just to fall asleep.

he is grasping at straws to stay afloat, he registered for school, reduced his stress levels at work by stepping down from a management position, he reduced his expenses and is looking into alternative depression treatments like yoga. but meanwhile he is so lost in the world...

it breaks my heart to see him like this and i cant describe how worried i am. I DONT KNOW HOW TO HELP HIM!.... i am not doing enough to help... i am so afraid that it will be too late one day... he is fighting this for the sake of his family... but they dont notice that anything is wrong and will never take this seriously.

every day i check to see if he is still alive... i have my own drama right now and am myself fighting and kicking against feeling depressed all the time... this tipped the scale and i am sitting here in tears... i am scared for him all the time, scared that he will give up...

WHAT CAN I DO TO HELP HIM SEE THE LIGHT AT THE END OF THE TUNNEL?? what can i say to him to make it better?????? please advise...