Depression - Rage?

[Tifa108]

I know that I have been suffering from depression for atleast a year, but when my therapist made it official (along with social anxiety and EDNOS(Bulimia)) it just made me feel like I shouldn't really bother trying to change anything if that's the way I am. (By the way, I'm a 17 year old girl, normal weight.)

I've often heard people saying that depression to them is emptiness, kind of like a 'black hole', but I don't feel that way at all. My insides feel like they are wrapped tightly around barbed wire and sometimes it's as if my blood has been replaced by acid. This kind of anger is terrifying, and so I have taken up Muay Thai boxing so I dont do anything stupid if I ever lose all control which is a constant fear (I used to self harm but am currently attempting to stop).

Does anyone else feel this way? Maybe if I'm not the only one then it won't seem so bad. I rarely get more than 7 hours of sleep (mostly around 5 or 6) but even at this state of constant exhaustion I am angry.

If anyone could offer any kind of suggestions or personal thoughts then it would really be wonderful.

[AliBhai]

you are always welcome.....
you said you are undergoing CBT which is an excellent thing and you should continue to do so....
but CBT should be used with medication.....you mentioned that you dont want to be on medication for rest of ur life....i want to make things clear for you......many of the new medications are not addicive and there are other options such a 5htp which i am taking these day and are available without prescription and in my opinion 5 htp is much beter than any of the antidepressants dat i have taken....so you can try it......
its good dat your are interested in religion.....i cannot understand why people don belive on God....have you seen a car driven by itself or a company where there is no management ..... i am sure you wouldnt have....so how on earth we come to a conlusion that there is no God.....things around us arre made by Perfectionist....look up and you will see a sky standing without pillars and there is no hole in it.....everything is so beautiful and complement each other....all that cannot came into being just by an accident.....there must be someone behind it....our life is not purposeless.....it has a purpose that we should submit before the will of God....and if you do that.....you will be able to relieve many of depression symptoms......as someone said.....there is no claimity when there is certainity....certainity about we will die and stand infront of our God .....and only He will judge us fairly based on our actions.....
one last thing.....i want you to go on youtube and type 'seventeen benefits of tribulation' by Humza Yusuf......this is one of the best lectures ever.....i would recommend you to listen all the parts......it will completely change ur understanding about life......
wish you good luck
Ali

[Tifa108]

Considering what you've said, medication really does seem like it would be a lot of help, but I'm just worried about the long term; I don't want to have to depend on medication for the rest of my life. My therapist also doesn't have the ability to prescribe medication, so it doesn't really seem a possibility. But I am currently undergoing cognitive behavioural therapy like you've said, and am trying to work on the underlying issues, but once again like you said, it's a long hard process.. actually even today I have gone through a huge setback.
Mentioning religion was interesting, and thank you for bringing it up because I have been thinking a lot about religion. No one in my family is actually religious though so it seems quite intimidating, but I really would love to experience that feeling you have described. I read the article you shared and it is really interesting and I truly believe it. I hope you find your peace and maybe I will too .. (:

[Tifa108]

Okay thank you, I don't take medication and don't feel i should.. I don't exactly trust myself with medication. But I think I'll explain it to my therapist and see what she says, and keep on exercising until I am physically unable to go any further.. that always helps!
Thanks for the reply!

[ILADVOCATE]

Well when I used to experience this before my current recovery it was as an agitated mixed state which is an aspect of bipolar that has the anger of depression but the speeded up quality of mania. Anger can occur as part of depression though but you should discuss the specifics of this with your psychiatrist and keep a mood tracker as well and print out the results for them. What medication won't treat talk therapy and cognitive behavioral therapy can be helpful with.