Depression? Anxiety? What's wrong with me?

Ok, first off this is officially the first time I've ever tried to explain this problem to anyone, let alone admit that I do infact have a problem. I'm turning 30 next week and have come to a point in my life that I feel I need to get this sorted.
Well then, let's see if I can get this out in some way that makes sense. I'm seemingly scared to death of everything, largely confrontation. I have serious issues dealing with crowds of people, or even just people I barely know. I'm afraid to speak up, for fear of what people might think. When I'm hanging out with acquaintences I don't know very well, I'm easily spotted...the quiet guy in the corner. I just can't seem to express myself or talk to anyone..always afraid of what they might think of me..or something. I can't quite figure it out. I try to act in quite the opposite demeanor, but I think its apparent that's not who I am. Everyone who ever visits always comments on how quiet I am...I just can't talk like everyone else.
I thought for a long time I was normal, and just different..but it's becoming more and more apparent I'm not. I've recently discovered 2 of my good friends are on some sort of medication for a social disorder of sorts, and I think it's similar to what I think I have, but of course I'm too afraid to ask them. Even my wife of 11 years doesn't know...she just thinks I'm quiet.
I just wish I wasn't so deathly afraid of what everyone thought about me, and it was easier to just enjoy life and talk to people and not be afraid to be me.

[jdtm]

Sounds like "social anxiety".  If so, this is a very common and treatable disorder using SSRI medication and/or "cognitive behavioural therapy".  Please see you doctor for a correct diagnosis and help.  I wish you the best.

[suzi-q]

I agree with the above post.....seems you suffer from a social phobia...there is a great book that you can get at any bookstore or through AMAZON..It is called the Anxiety/Phobia Workbook.. It will help you get a handle on what you are feeling and ways to help it...best to you.

[B1RoxyDoll]

i feel the same way! i have shut myself out of my own life because i cant be social!

[Lambloved]

Hi, my name is Caren,
.  Actually when he was done they band played a few songs and that's when he said what he did.  ( I have to say I don't normally do this but all I can think and know is that God is going to use all this for you and only He knows why I'm just writing what He wants me to) .  So when he says that God wants to heal women that had been hurt by men I was standing up and had my arms up singing then we stopped and I so wanted to run out of that place I was scared out of my wits, but it was like my feet were glued to tthe floor.  I was shaking so bad and started crying.  I do not cry in front of anyone.  I had my eyes closed and all of a sudden I sense a person in front of me and she starts praying for me and puts her arms around me and I was already crying but when she did that oh my gosh I started crying so hard..  At some point we sat down and I just cried and cried and cried my heart out.  I don't think I've ever so much.  It was probley over 45 minutes to an hour and I could here others crying all over When I finially stopped crying and opened my eyes this lady was probley in her  60's and a little heavy set and about as tall as me 5'2 and she had grey hair and the most beautiful face.  After that I couldn't get enough of going to church and reading my Bible.  
Since then I've remarried to a wonderful man.  We have been married 20 years this last month August 22.  We have a daughter and we lost our one and only son.  When our daughter was 12 she was raped by my older daughers husband twice and she ran away all the way from Colorado to California.  She is now 18 and in a locked facility as what happened to her sent her on a road of prostitution, drugs. you name it she's done it.  She is doing good now but it threw me into a backslidden state.  I fell at my job at 7-11 in 2004 and got put on Oxycontin 160 mg 2 x a day.
I doing better now but I went back into a depressed state again and its been awlful but God is helping me through it.   I went 9 years, no drugs had a beutiful baby girl with no depression and my life was so full of joy and love and peace like I've never known in my whole life.  
I would suggest seeing your Dr and telling him everything you've wrote here.  Also seek God as that has been my only hope.  If not for HIM during the times of months and months not knowing where my daughter was I would have never ever made it.  I right now am taking Paxil and it has help also through these 6 years.  Some people think because your a Christian you shouldn't take medicine or that you never can get clinicly dpressed.  But I have a wonderful pastor that I've had for 12 years and along with praying and medicine its not a problem.  God loves us just where we are.  Through all of this story I've told you I have become very open and not afraid of speaking in front of others and I'm not afraid to go up to others and say HI even if I don't know them.  That was a work in me God did.  But I believe that medicine can help also.  So I defnitly would like I said go to your Dr and if you need anyone to talk to you are welcome to email me at caren_stevens***@**** or ***@****.  I put that second one in because right now I can't get into my hotmail for some reason so go aheard and use the gmail one.  I'll be praying for you.  God B less you Caren oh great I went to post it and I've exceeded the 8000 character limit. So I'm going to have to take some stuff out.

[Lambloved]

I kinda messed up.   This is the first part of what I wrote.  So read this first before reading the other part    I have had in my life a really bad bout of depression after my second child was born.  It scared me to death, I thought I was going to lose my mind.  It got so bad I couldn't take it any longer.  I couldn't read, watch tv, basically I couldn't concentrate on anything,  I had no appetite.  I was so scared that I might lose my mind while I was alone with my baby.  I wasn't afraid I would hurt him but that whatever happens when you lose your mind I didn't know but I certainly thought I wouldn't be there mentally for him.  I was so scared to tell my husband at that time as his first wife had been in a mental hospital and I was just like you in that I was always afraid to speak to anyone.  One time I was at a person's house and they asked me to cut a tomato and I was so scared I wouldn't cut it right.  I always thought people were watching me if I was at a resuraunt.  I was extremely self cocncious.  I did go to a Dr finially because I was a wreck.  I would go to sleep at night only to wake up at 3:00 am or 3:30 am and would just lay there and feel this awful feeling like I was so scared but didn't know what of.  I would sweat and my heart would pound.  I felt like I was living in a nightmare 24 hours a day well except the small amount of time I slept.  So like I said I finially went to a Dr.  He said besides just having a baby,  I had just moved from Colorado to Utah about 1 month before my baby was born.  It was winter time.  I didn't know anyone.  So back then he gave me Elavil which is an older type of antidepressant than they have now.  He also put me on Valium.  I took this medicine for about 6 or 7 months and was feeling back to my old self again.  Except I still had other problems but the drepression and anxiety went away and I went off the medicine.   I will tell you that I was still pretty messed up.  My husband divorced me and to this day has never told me why.  He just up and left and served me with papers and so I moved back to Colorado and lived with my mom and 3 kids.  I did have a problem with drinking (once a month) but when I did drink I would end up in Detox or once a Pychiatric Ward for 2 weeks and was in there for 2 weeks and also that is where I spent my 32 birthday.  In Dec of 1985 the day before Christmas my ex husband and his new wife and a sheriff showed up at my door and took 2 of my 3 children away because someone had called him and told him they talked to me and that I was drunk and they thought I meant I was going to commit suicide because  I said I wanted to give up.  Anyway my life hit bottom life you couldn't imagine.  I took all my pills I had and threw them down the toilet.  As I had gone back on a different antidepressant and sleeping pills and Xanax.  After throwing them all away after being on them for 2 years or so I went through 4 days of thinking I was absolutely lose it.  But believe it or not I met a woman at work that was a christian and she had told me before all this happened that we were going to get to know each other very well.  
The next day which was Christmas Day.  I had to go pick up my older son who wasn't taken because he was from my very first marriage and this exhusband was my 3rd.  Anyway to get on with this story  After I took my son back I sat on the floor and first I took a picture I had of Jesus on the wall and I took it down and just held it.  Some preacher was on the TV talking about getting saved and I thought I've done this before but nothing ever changed.  None the less I went through asking God to forgive me please help me because (what I actually said was Help me or kill me because I can't even manage to commit suicide right after trying for several years and always when I was drunk. I came so close once  as this guy I'd been living with broke up with me and told me he had aids and just left.  I drank about half a bottle of some kind of whiskey.  Then I took almost 100 antidepressant pills and almost 100  Xanax.  I woke up 4 days later on a reperator that was helping me breath as I couldn't on my own.  The phychiatrist I had and went to after this happened gave me refills for all my medicines as I told him I would try that again. so he gave me all new prescriptions.
Well I'm sorry this is so long but its because there is a point where I finish.  
After what I told God I didn't sleep for 4 days and on that 4th day that night I was just sitting on the couch and I literly felt God hold me in HIs arms.  I knew it was HIM because you just know that you know.  I fell asleep that night without pills for the first time in 2 years.  After that my friend from work Margie told me that I needed to be baptized in the HOLY SPIRIT.  She told me to read Acts Chapters 1 through 3 or 4 I beleive where it talks about being able to be baptized in the Holy Spirit.  Well I sat in my bedroom and read all those chapters and sat there just being very quite.  Then I began to speak in another language.  I'm sorry this is taking so long but I really want to help you in some way through all I am writing.  Every day I would sit alone and spend time with the Lord and pray in tongues that God had given me and in English,  I had a praise tape and I would sing to God along with the tape.  I began for the first time in my life started reading a Bible my firend gave me which was a living Bible. (now my most favorite one is the "New King James"   I began to read and read and it was like  I was a dry sponge and the Bible was water and I just was soaking it all in.  My life began to change in so many ways.  To have known me back then  and to know me now you wouldn't belvie I was the same person.  And then I finially went to church.  It was called "Vinyard Fellowship in Wheatridge Colorado.  They had about 1500 people there and the first time I went I though every one in there must be nuts.  They were playing music like I'd never ever heard in a church before.  I tryed to sing as the words were up on the wall, but I was also crying and I never ever cryed in front of anyone.  OH how I tryed to keep from crying.  After the singing we all  ( I forgot to say while singing almost everyone was raising their hands up in the air and at first I felt strange not putting my hands up but I also thought everyone would be looking at me but I also was thinking I've done almost everything else I could do in this life so why not try it.l  Then the singing stopped and we all sat down and the pastor preached a sermon and when it was over he started to say that the Lord wanted to heal women who had been hurt by men

[Lambloved]

I just realized in writing another comment and then looking at it that my email address didn't come out so I'm going to put it in a different way that you will understand it  first is Lambloved and then after that is at  and you know that sign @  then after that these 2 next letter and a word are actually one word so first is Lambloved and then at  and then g and mail oh and the . and the com. God Bless you Caren

[idonttknow]

Well, it's been over two years since I first posted this, so I figured I'd post an update. Problem is, there isn't a whole lot to update on. I'm fairly certain it is a social anxiety disorder as the replies have indicated, but with this, it's awful hard for me to actually be able to talk to a Dr. about it. I know I have to, and I've tried several times (well, by tried...ok, I really haven't tried. I've *wanted* too really badly though) But, the nature of the illness and all, my problem is of course talking to people. So, I'm a walking oxymoron. I can't talk to people, but I need to talk to people to get help in talking to people. Easier said then done...

One part of the problem I guess is, I don't really have a personal Dr. I haven't since I got out of the Army about 8 years ago now. I've only seen a Dr. twice in that 8 years, and that was just a Dr's Urgent Care type place, and it was just an in and out thing as I had to get a prescription for a Z-pac to take care of a case of strep throat. Everything else I just deal with. So, I keep talking through the scenario in my head, and it scares me I guess. "Hello Dr's office I don't know. I think I'm mentally sick, can you give me an appointment and help me?". and then have to try to explain it to the nurses before actually seeing the Dr. and then again to him...It just doesn't seem very appealing, even though I KNOW it has to be done. I was thinking of making an appointment for something else, like, just a general check-up or something...and then mentioning it to the Dr once I was in a room with him/her alone.

Furthermore on that note, is it even a regular family Dr. I want for this? Or is he/she just gonna think I'm crazy and tell me to see a psychiatrist?

One positive note about this, I have talked to my wife about it shortly after making my first post here 2 years ago. She was so happy she cried. We still talk about it on occasion, and she's tried getting me recommendations for Dr's down in the area where I work (hers are 2 hours north, we commute different directions for work), but hasn't had alot of luck. And, most of the time I guess, this isn't a real burden on my life. At work, I can talk fairly freely, as I'm the foreman, and I truly am an expert at what I do. I'm extremely comfortable with that, and can talk pretty easily about it. Also, when I drink (socially, and not very often), I open up ALOT and really surprise people. Of course, I'm not gonna become an alcoholic just to talk to people, but it certainly does the trick once a month or however often we decide to go out.

Anyways, I'm done for now. I guess I'm just wondering if you have any pointers on actually finding and talking to a Dr, as I just need to clear that hurdle and then I'm hoping all is well. Thanks for reading,

[Bob_D]

Whoever you decide to see, doctor wise, there are a lot of reasons you could give for the initial visit - requesting a general check up is good is a good place to start, anyway.
You should acquire a primary care provider you can trust.

Twenty or thirty percent of people that a doctor sees are there for depression or anxiety, anyway, so you would not be unusual in that regard. The doctor can give you a referral to a psychologist, social worker, or psychiatrist if you tell him you want to talk to someone about your problem.

[Janzi]

Although I take a very light dose of medication for an anxiety depressive disorder, I always appeared very sociable to people and would be described as gregarious.. even while I was depressed! The whole time I was performing and racing, I was also very depressed and anxious about results and reviews etc..

When I am the most content, and at peace with myself, I find it in my time Alone, in my sanctuary of study, art, music or meditation, no longer reliant on the crowds applause or medals and trophies to validate my existence and value.

The 'social face' is not always the real person, it's often the Ego, and when we are being controlled by the Ego there will be discomfort.

You may not have a 'problem' - you may just be an Introvert! :) Someone who thinks more than they speak, observes more than they take action in public, and someone who doesn't NEED the approval of others to feel ok about themselves! That sounds good to me, but our society like to make us think that being introverted is somehow wrong and abnormal, when it is perfectly fine!!

Many people - when they find peace and a certain 'enlightenment', don't need to be validated by the 'crowd' and are really content with themselves and their lives.

* ( Actually THAT is what many people are needing to discover!  If you can't be comfortable with yourself, alone - and you need to find your comfort 'externally' - there is a problem indeed!) *

In other words, if you feel that you're not doing things you would like to really do, because of social anxiety- talk with someone about it. If on the other hand, you enjoy your time alone in contemplation or observation, then accept that as the real you, and enjoy it by reading good books, listening to music, drawing, playing guitar, running.. etc.. There are many ways to enjoy life doing things alone, without being in superficial environments where you need to drink to feel at ease!

peace and hope this helps in some way~*