Depression Isnt Real

I've dealt with feelings of depression for a long time--years.  And I've been suicidal in the past.  I tried the therapy route.  Been prescribed multiple antidepressants.  Nothing has worked.  I'm done with the whole racket, scam which is the mental health industry.   I have not heard from one person, not a single person, who has been "healed" from a mental health "disease".   Cancer is a disease--you can see it, you can test for it, and it can kill you and it is known why and how it does so.  The same cannot be said for depression.  Yes, obviously, people, including me, get depressed.  But it is not a disease.  It is a symptom of something larger.  A symptom of coping (or not).  

For me, it is a failure of personality (lack thereof) and character.  To think I have to take a medicine to feel okay is ridiculous to me.  If I cant make myself feel okay, no one or nothing else can.  It is "all in my head"--duh.  And it is "chemical"--duh.  Everything is chemical.  But what is the cause.  Why cant I ever.........EVER feel happy?  Ever feel joy?  Ever feel worthwhile.   I've tried, I cant talk myself into it.  The medications make me feel worse--not from the side effects but from the fact I'm taking a drug to try and feel.  Might as well snort cocaine--same outcome.  I've come to realize the only time I do feel good is when in intimate moments.  Or moments when I think there could be a relationship developing.  That's all chemical.  The same chemicals which get triggered when one takes a mood altering drub or AD.   That goes back to personality flaws which at my age cannot be fixed.  It is well known psychiatrists will not treat those with personality disorders.  Why?  Because their is no fixing them.  Not with therapy, not with drugs.  

I've given up trying.  The suicidal thoughts are back in full force.  And I'm not going to deny them.  Rather, embracing them.  I'm done being unhappy 24 hrs a day, 7 days a week.....month after month.......year after year.   The internal pain is beating me down.  I give up.   I cant even close my eyes and hope to push the pain down for a few hours during sleep.  Its there in my sleep.  There is no escape but one.   This is not a plea for help.  I'll either get past these thoughts or I wont.  What I need is for some to understand.  Not give the fake reply about not taking my life, how others will be hurt.....blah blah.   I'm alone and the only one feeling this way and with the courage to acknowledge the realness of my pain.  Flowery words, spiritual fluff are not helpful.  If god were real and as powerful as so many claim we would be here on this web site.  So spare me the fake concern.   The fact is I'm coming to a point of peace and resolution.  And it feels good--finally.

This is my final post.....either way.  Hope you all find the answer for you.

[Emma_08]

If it means anything, I understand.

I have been where you are and in many ways am still there.  I have tried therapy for years with no results - still unable to feel any happiness, joy, hope...Right now I am seeing a counselor and psychiatrist for depression/anxiety.  Is it working?  I don't know.  I'm taking Effexor for the "chemical imbalance" and talking to the therapist for my "distorted thinking" and inability to feel anything good, etc, etc.  Like you, in the past, the only thing that made me feel happy was being in an intimate relationship.  I still struggle everyday, and it sure isn't easy.

I really hope things turn around for you.  Even if it seems like it, you are not alone.

Emma  

[April2]

Hey Creston. I thought you were feeling better. Did anything in particular happen lately? Please don't give up. I know how tempting it is but it's not the answer. You do have people who care. We care on here. Yes, we do! You have a family who cares.
Yes, I believe God is real and I think you do too based on our previous discussions. I think you may be disappointed or angry with him right now because you don't understand why you are going through this. I understand. I really do. I do know he doesn't want you to take your life. He does care. Try and think back to the times you were feeling pretty good. What happened then to make you feel that way? You do have a lot to live for. Try and remember that. You have a family who loves you. You do contribute to this world and there's so much more you can do. You can make a difference in someone's life. That's how God works. He takes our pains and sorrows and uses them to help others who are going through the same thing. We're meant to help each other and look after each other. We are supposed to grieve when our friends grieve and rejoice with them when they're joyful. That's what we're here for. Please talk to us. Get it out. I'm a good listener. You can always pm me if you want. You know that. Creston I care. Please just talk to us. And see if you can find someone there to talk to. Reach out to someone else who needs you. It will give you such a good feeling when you can do that. I will be praying for you.
Your friend,
April

[April2]

" I know part of healing will be spiritual....and to get my thoughts and faith to where needs to be."

Remember that? I copied that out of a pm you sent me in November. I looked back at some of our messages and some of the posts you responded to here and I see a very caring man. You can't give up Creston. Remember, your daughter's about my daughter's age. You know what this would do to her? She needs her dad. Your son needs you. Your wife needs you. And yes, we need you here. Like I said, I looked back at some of your responses to people including mine. You were so caring towards me when I had issues with my daughter. Now it's my turn. I'm here for you, Creston when you want to talk. Please talk to me! I want to know how you're doing.
Did you wind up moving? How was that? I know moving can be stressful but you were moving to an awfully beautiful place. Did you retire yet? I know you were thinking about it.
Creston, talk to me!! Please!! I want to know how you're doing. I'll keep bugging you until you talk to me! I will! I will keep sending you messages. I really want to hear from you. I really want to know what's going on. I'm sorry I wasn't here for you for so long. I got too wrapped up in my own life and my own problems, I guess. I'm here now though and I care. Please know that. I care. I'm waiting to hear back from you. I haven't given up.
April

[xanweaner]

I don't know you and I don't know the pain that's filled your every pore, but I do know this. You can not give up because you have a son and daughter!!!!! They would NEVER RECOVER IF YOU DID SOMETHING TO HARM YOURSELF!!

I'm sorry, but you don't have the luxury to end your pain and torment because you would irreparably damage their lives forever. They are a part of you...it would be comparable to taking an ax and chopping off one of their arms or legs if you suddenly decide to end your life.

You have a responsibility to keep trying to find some help for yourself. There are many, many drugs that can help you with your pain. Yes, it is exhausting going through drug trials....yes,it's painful....it can feel like a worst hell than the one you are currently living in when you're trying to find the correct one and the correct dosage.

But, you have no choice!! If your current Dr. is of no help, you need to find another one. I know that your spirit is broken, but it can be repaired and become whole again.

I am sending you a long-distance blessing in the hope that you find the strength to fight the fight and keep trying to get better. I know that you want to give up and throw in the towel, but you can't...because, as you said, "it is a failure of personality (or lack thereof) and character"....

I hope that you are still reading the posts that are being written to you...

[faerymoon]

Hi Creston. I don't know you, in fact I am new to this site and still trying to figure out how it all works, but I ran across your post and it really hit me hard. Why? for one I see another human being in pain, and instantly I want to help in some way, its just in my nature, and secondly, I am right where you are and feel the same way. My feelings are day by day. It seems that you do every thing the doctors tell you to do, therapy, meds  blah blah and you still feel the same way. It does get frustrating. The only thing that keeps me going is my little girl. Sometimes I think if weren't for her I would throw in the towel. I have no choice though, I simply cannot. Creston, don't ever doubt the diagnosis, all of us feel like its our fault and we are just weak, and depression isn't real. That is the depression talking.I just watched a documentary on depression yesterday at 4am (couldn't sleep due to MY depression ha ha). It was people from all walks of life battling it. From a gang member to corporate execs. You know what, now they can see depression! MRI's can see the activity on the frontal lobe of the brain. I won't go into the mumbo jumbo, I am a nurse and I get fascinated by this stuff but they are on the edge many new treatments that don't involve meds. Hallelujah! Its not your fault.We people who battle this, have it rough sometimes, the ups downs in betweens.It sounds like you are going through a rough time, and if you can remember a time when it was better, remember there is hope.There is always hope. That is what I tell myself in my worst times. I have come up before.

I want to tell you a brief story, about a patient I had when I first got out of college.It was proof to me that depression is real. At the time even though I was depressed I didn't have a good understanding of it.We had a fellow we'll call him, Lyle. I was working in a nursing home. Everyday Lyle got up ,shaved, dressed himself, took care of his own needs mostly just needed supervision. Lyle and I loved to joke around. He always called me "meanness and troublemaker" and I called him that back, I always told him to stay out of trouble for the day, as I gave him his meds. I always got his coffee special for him fresh out of the pot.One day his daughter was concerned that he was on to many meds and ask me to have the meds reviewed by the Doc. So I did. He had heart pills,BP, coumadin, several things he had to have, but he was on several supplements vitamins, iron, calcium, and Prozac. So the Doc took him off the extra vitamins and discontinued the Prozac. Now Lyle knew nothing about his meds, he took what was given to him with out even looking. He ate good always cleaning his plate at each meal so the vitamins weren't an issue, just something we give most elderly due to poor immunity, bones etc. I was off on vacation for a few days then had my week end off. I came back only to hear that my favorite patient was sick and they didn't know if he would make it. Lyle was not eating, could not feed himself. Sat in his chair drooling, would not shave,(this was his favorite thing to do and did it several times a day with his electric razor), food or liquid placed in his mouth would run back out. I went to see Lyle immediately.He wouldn't talk to me. He slept. I called his name" hey trouble". No response.The thing is, no one could pinpoint what had happened. A stroke? Just a slow decline as elderly do? The doctor and I were brainstorming one day and we remembered the Prozac.He immediately reordered it incase just maybe that was it. Well Creston guess what happened. It was like a flower blooming. Slowly I had my Lyle back.He didn't know anything about depression. He didn't understand meds. What did it prove? Its real. Its a clinical example of depression and what it can do. Its so important to keep doing what your supposed to do even though it doesn't feel like its working.

I know its a long post. Sorry, since I don't know you. I believe in God and you don't want to hear all the the fluffy stuff. I will say it like it is God doesn't give up on you, even when your frustrated with him. His love is unconditional. He understands that your human and you get you pissed. He still loves you and will be there when your ready to talk. He put you here for a reason, as he did all of us with problems, maybe ( from reading the other posts) to help someone else. Sometimes it only takes a few kind words to pull someone back from the edge. It has me. I've been to the edge, I looked down, I've even jumped. I thank the Lord I am here to send you this post. Hold on sweetie. The world ,your family. your friends need you. Its not your fault. What you feel is real.

[April2]

Beautiful, fairymoon. I couldn't have said it better.
Creston, it IS real! If you ever wanted proof then read the article I just posted on here. It was in my paper. I immediately thought of you when I read it. Creston, there IS hope out there. You've got to hang on! Please let us know how you are. I'm praying.

[nursegirl6572]

I read youe post....and felt two things.....one.....heartbreak...I've been there...and I HAVE come out of a very dark place, just like you could.  It aint easy...it's a long tough road....but there IS a light at the end.

The SECOND thing I felt?  To be totally honest was anger.  Anger at all the "Me's" and I's" in your initial post....and then learning you have children.  Depression is all consuming...but suicide?  I'm sorry...but it's a cop out...the easy way out.  It's about taking your OWN pain away without regard to the pain of others.  There is nothing worse in life than to see your own children iin pain, right?  Well, just try to imagine the pain that they would have if they lost their Dad...b/c HE wanted to leave this world.  The guilt and sorrow they would feel would be life long.  It's a lot easier to throw the towel in and take the easy road....rather than to stay and fight the good fight.  

I'm NOT trying to be mean....I'm being dead honest.  If you can dig deep and for a minute think about ALLLL of the suffering in the world...people with terminal illnesses who would give ANYTHING for the gift of "time"....people who live with excruciating physical pain every day of their life....but keep getting up another day b/c they WANT to live....for them and for their loved ones.

What you are feeling (or are NOT feeling in a lot of ways) is awful...I've been there.  I know your pain...and I feel so badly for you...but you need to keep trying.  Even if it takes you the rest of your life to "try" and find the thing that will work for you.  It's out there.  I know it is discouraging...but, you have to dig DEEP and find an iota of "you" that is left....not for "you", not for "God"...but for those children who would spend EVERY special moment in their lives thinking.."I wish Dad were here to see this."  or "I wish I could call Dad".  Pull on their love and need for you to be in their lives.  It is hard enough for a child to lose a parent...but even harder when a child loses a parent because THEY took themselves out.

Finally...I KNOW my words are harsh.  I meant them to be.  You were honest in your post...and I'm being honest in mine.  Through all my harshness...I will hope for you that you find the strength to go on and live another day...even if you take it one day at a time...one HOUR, one MINUTE at a time.  You said no one has been "cured".  "Cure" is a pretty tough word when discussing depression/anxiety.  I am living proof that there IS RECOVERY from both.  It wasn't easy.....and it took a while...but damn, was it worth it.

Wishing you the best.  You have people here who apparently care very deeply for you.....lean on them.  Cry, scream, run around naked in your backyard...anything that will remind you that you ARE indeed still alive.

(Btw, I accept no responsibility for any charge that will stem from the "indecent exposure"......lol.  Have a laugh at that one...it's good for the soul)

My best wishes to you.

[Happy2girls]

Creston, I tried to send you a private message but was blocked so I will write here.  I will not speak of God or use "flowery words" of hope and sunshine.  Where you are right now is too dark for any of that to have any meaning.  You have received some solid advice from some very knowledgeable people.  You see you have said that you made up your mind and that you feel no one understands you.  I take comfort that you have written because in doing so you have reached out and that means there is still some hope and life in you.  Creston, depression is NOT a character flaw, YOU are NOT flawed.  Others do understand but what you need to realize is that your sadness and despair is unique to you so you will never feel completely understood even as all these folks stand in the darkenss right next to you.  This site and the anxiety board are so very active that there can be no denying that you are not alone.  Creston, you've said medication and therapy has not worked for you, I wonder if maybe you stopped the mediations and therapy prematurely because you felt better or because you resent needing them.  Forgive me if I am wrong in that assumtion.  I do hope you post back but short of that I certainly hope you are reading and taking in what the above posters have offered.  Take care, Creston,  hope you choose to keep fighting.        

[creston1966]

Thank-you for your kind (and pointed) comments.   I know taking my own life is not the answer.  The thoughts are real and I'll have to deal with them.  

What seems to be missing is knowing what/how to feel better (or feel anything).  Everything feels so numb.   What else is missing is having an understanding ear like you all can provide.  Someone here, close.  My wife is unable to understand.  I cannot seek further "professional" help due to my profession.  It sounds dumb, I know.  Cant seek help because it will mean the end of my career.  My "livelyhood".  Why would that matter if the alternative is this?  I dont know other than my entire person, what little worth I feel in this world is in my job.  Pathetic, huh?  Also, a practical issue.  Got to pay the bills.  So, I'm here, posting on this website, trying to figure it out on my own.  And with a little assist from you all.  Not exactly orthodox?

I do know the hurt which would result.  If I didnt, I would have been gone long ago.  You are right.   Maybe its a reflection of how terrible this can be.  Or its a reflection of my own weakness.  That I dont know.   I do believe, for me, that I am not "depressed" in a clinical sense.  But I do know I have poor coping skills in certain areas.  And have some unresolved issues in regards to my own parents and siblings.  Such that I squashed for 40 years.  And now they all want to come out and I dont know how to deal with them.  I want to squash them down for good.  Nothing good can come from drudging up old wounds.........very deep wounds.   I see this a weakness.  We all have a sob story to tell.  Mine is no different.  What does that say other than I'm weak.   Somedays, I rationalize, my kids, long term, would be better off.   Leaving a legacy of insanity is not too much better......is it?

Thanks for your inputs.  I will get through this.  If I didnt want help, I wouldnt have posted.  Need an objective input now and again.   And about the running around naked thing---I dont want to scare the local wildlife away.


C-

[creston1966]

I have tried to reach out to the few I can.   I explicitely told my wife how I'm feeling and how depressed I've felt.  She didnt say a word.  Not even a shrug. Nothing.  She wants things to stay as they are, no waves, no turbulence at all.  She cant help and she knows it.  I dont blame her--she is not responsible for my happiness or moods.  And she has to maintain some level of normalcy.  She's all I have though.  I have no extended family.  I used to be close to her parents.  I talked to them about how depressed at had been feeling about 2 months ago.  Since then, I might as well have the plague.  I'd hear from them on the phone or via email 2 or 3 times a week.  Since then, nothing.  Again, I'm not their responsibility.   I have tried to find someone to lean on--havent found that understanding shoulder yet.   I also am responsible for 16 people at my work.  16 people who lean on me everyday.  Who's problems I have to listen to and help them through.  Sometimes, I feel overwhelmed and underequipped---especially lately.  So, I'm not 100% selfish.  Yes, selfish for sure--but not totally self absorbed.  Just wish the world would stop for just a while so I could get off, catch my breath, and then hop back on.   I guess a lot of folks feel this way.......

[Happy2girls]

Our comments crossed.  I am very glad to see you.  I wanted to say that you are not weak, I do feel bad for men because in addition to dealing with the actual depression they have a much harder time, I believe, accepting it.  Woman can cry and talk about their feelings and no one bats an eye.  Men on the other hand are expected to be strong and stoic in manner and deed.  It's unfortunate and it's why I believe that men more often than women become angry and sometimes violent, it seems to be more accepted.  It's unfortunate.  Creston, I hope you keep using the resources of this site and I hope things get better for you soon.        

[Happy2girls]

It sounds like your life is quite stressful, it certainly can't help that you have so much responsibilty....you sound like my husband, he has enormous stress at work (he works on Wall St).  I worry about him and he is so tightly wound during the week that I know it must affect his health both physically and mentally.  At least he has a weekend hobby that he can take some pleasure in.  Do you have any outlets when the working day is done that you can indulge in?    

[Rob737]

Creston I too am suffering as you and you need to hang in there.  I too have a son and daughter and we need to keep it together for their sakes.  I too sometimes want stop thinking there is a god.  Sometimes people who suffer the most are the ones God loves the most.  Jesus the son of god.  I will pray for you and your family.

[April2]

Creston, thank goodness you wrote! You had me so worried! Is there some reason we can't pm you? Since I can't pm you I will tell you what I said before. You should be able to seek help regardless of your career. Did you really check it out? Things are different now days. There's much more understanding of mental health. There's not as much stigma attached to it. I talked to my husband. He's in the same type career field as you. He says it should not affect your career and that if you're that seriously depressed that it would be surprising that your boss hasn't seen it before now and that he could request you into treatment, unless you've been really, really good at hiding it.
Creston, I know you've thought about retiring. Maybe you really should so that you can concentrate on you. Pray about it and really think about it. You can't keep living in misery pretending to everyone around you that you're ok. It's not a weakness!
I have a feeling you have a lot of unresolved things that really need to come out. Carrying around pain, hurt and unforgiveness in your heart for 20 to 40 years is not only good, it will destroy you. You need to be able to forgive those who have hurt you not for their sake but for your own. It's only through being able to forgive them that you will be able to experience true healing. Does that make sense? Like I said, it's not for their benefit. You can forgive without them even knowing it. It's letting go in your own heart. Forgiveness isn't a feeling so much, it's a choice. You choose to let go of wanting revenge, wanting them to suffer as you've suffered, wanting them to see and know how much they've hurt you. It's acknowleding what they've done. It's saying "Yes, they did a terrible thing. They hurt me terribly, but I choose to not allow this to destroy my life. I choose to move on, move forward." It's choosing to not be bitter, have hatred or unforgiveness in your heart. You know why? You know why this is so important? Because if you keep holding on to this it will destroy you. It's already eaten up a lot of your life. You must let it go for your own peace of mind and your own healing. No, it's not an easy thing to do. It's a choice that you have to make every single day. Every day that you wake up you tell yourself that you choose to live this day in forgiveness and peace. You need to forgive yourself too. You are human just like all the rest of us. You can't live in the past. All you can do is learn from the past and move forward.
Creston, I've talked with you enough to see what a very caring, compassionate man you are. I want to see you experience a true healing and peace in your heart. If that means needing to talk to someone, so be it. You can at least talk with a pastor. They don't charge anything and do have training in counseling. They also will keep everything confidential. If you truly want to feel better then you've got to keep trying until you find what you are looking for. You are worth it! Yes, it's humbling. Yes, it makes you vulnerable. But it's so worth it if it can get you on the road to healing. Keep searching, keep trying, keep moving forward.
And don't let your mind entertain the thought that your kids would be better off without you. That's got to be the biggest lie! It would tear them apart. You must keep trying for their sake and your own. You say your wife doesn't understand. Most spouses don't if they've never experienced depression. That's why it's a good idea for her to go into counseling with you. If she hears this from a third person it might help her to start to understand better. She's too close to you. You both can get through this and draw closer than ever to each other. Going through a tough time together can make or break a marraige. Don't let it break you. Fight for it. Reach out and take her hand. Talk to her. Open up to her. Draw her in and help her to understand. Tell her that you need her support. You guys must keep communicating. She needs to know what's going on with you. She also needs to know how to help. If it's just that she be there for you, then tell her that.
Creston, I've had suicides and suicide attempts touch my life through family members and friends. It's horrible. Don't put anyone through that. We only have one life and it's precious. We have to fight and keep trying. You can't give up!
I'm here if you ever need to talk. I don't mind. Please see if you can fix your pm, ok? I'm not giving up on you and I'm not going to let you give up on yourself. Please keep in touch. If you're gone too long you're just going to make me worried. You don't want to do that to me, do you?! Just keep talking. It really does help. I care about you, buddy. I really do. You take care of yourself, ok? Keep talking to us. That's what we're here for, to help each other and support each other. Sending you a big cyber ((((HUG!)))
April

[nursegirl6572]

WHY would it mean the end of your career if you sought help?  First of all....there are VERY strict confidentiality laws.  LAWS.  Not a soul would even have to know. Please re-think that.  I think you are wrong there...regardless of what career you are in.

Secondly...I feel for you that your wife doesn't understand.  It's time for reality.  How about letting her read this thread?  It won't be easy for her...but it ISN'T easy for YOU.  You need support....and you need it yesterday.

I'm glad you posted....and glad you are still talking about it.  Keep talking...and don't give up...you'll find the help you need.

[creston1966]

Wow.  I'm overwhelmed by the advice and love shown by you all.  I do thank-you.  I dont like sugar coating things so I wont just say things are fine.  They are not.  But it is helpful to have your support.  

In regards to my career, I'm in the best position to know.  I'm not overstating things.  I cannot seek help and keep my job.  I had a previous attempt about 15 months ago and was hospitalized.  I was fortunate to come out of that with my life.........and my job.  I sought help after that, been put on a number of AD and therapy.   Albeit the therapy is at best once every 30-45 days for less than an hour.  The therapist is only concerned with what medication to try and not much else.  Reality is its talking things out which I know is needed, not drugs.   I find it so helpful to talk.  However, once a month at best doesnt do it.  It's like picking a scap open each month, only to have to leave it bleed, then almost heal until the next month.   My med coverage wont cover anymore than that.  As well, I do believe (dont know for fact) the psychiatrist believes this is more of a personality disorder which really has no fix.  I missed an my May appt due to work commitments.  Not something I could help or wanted to do.   Called ahead of time and got the riot act and pretty much told nothing is available.  The AD (Wellbutrin/Prozac) and trazodone (for sleep--its been years....YEARS since I've slept well) both ran out.  So, I feel stuck.  Cant get back in to see anyone for another month at least.  And off the medications, which is okay in that they dont do a thing.  Although the trazodone does help with sleep--when I take it.   Been very stressed at work as well as dealing with a failing marriage and a 15 yr daughter who is a hormonal monster these days.   Lost an older sister to lung cancer.  My only other sibling who I have any relation has had a really bad few years and doesnt have time nor energy.  She has her issues and I do not want to burden her with mine.  I guess, I've felt very alone in this world lately.   I'm also leaving in a few months for 12 months overseas for my job.   I dont mind the separation.  I mind the fact I'm not 100% mentally/emotionally ready.....and I need to be.  I reached out to my father a few months back and he pushed me aside like a sack of sh*t.  As he's done my entire life.  I tried to reach him.  That, even though I told myself its just how it is, threw me for huge loop.  I reached out to my mom to cushion things and she responded by saying she will not address anything in regards to "him".  I needed to know some things, I asked her over the phone and wrote two carefully worded letters asking some things about him (and her) and why they both abandoned me as a baby and have never showed any interest since.  She called me back once, said she'd write me a letter to "explain" things.  Well, that was 3 months ago and I've heard nothing since.  She's retired.  She has the time.  I'm not trying to sound like a martyr or sad sap.  The reality is they both, as well as my sister and two brothers (natural...not foster) have gone out of their way to avoid me for 40+ years.  To this day, I dont understand why.  I feel like a big nothing.  I cannot be loved.  If those charged with loving us refuse, what does that say?   I've felt almost destined to repeat history.  And in doing so, I've wanted to run and hide.............or just end things.   I have not because I do love my kids more than anything in the world.  It may seem, my all the "I's" and "Me's" (as someone put it) that I only love Me.  In fact, I have no love at all for me.  I could not hate a person more than I hate myself.  I find it impossible to live with myself most days.   I can and do find ways to look out for others.  All the while I dont deal with these things--so they eventually swell up and explode out.  Like now.  It does seem, when feeling very depressed it's impossible to think about anything or anyone else.  I am not a selfish person, but am self-centered--if that makes sense.  I've had to take care of myself since I was a year old.  I did not have support of either parent--ever, no grandparents, no uncles, cousins--nothing.  A screwed up, alcoholic, drug addicted, criminal, abusing foster family was the extent of support.  So I moved away and been on my own in every sense possible since mid teens.  I guess that is what selfish means.   My wife cannot, will not ever understand.  She stopped being my wife years ago.  She is my children's mother.  She is a great mother.   She is not my partner.  We hardly know each other.  While I live a life of self-absorption, she lives a live of total denial.  In a fantasy, leave it beaver, polly anna world.  She closed down a long time ago and spends any spare minute watching ridiculous "reality" tv shows.  I have tried to talk and written her whats going on.  She is in denial and ill-equipped.  Her family all live in denial.  It is unchristian to have problems, let alone address them.  Her siblings all have serious eating disorders, depression, marrital problems, etc.  Yet they never deal with any of them.  Because they would be seen as less than "christian".  So, wer're not in a good place.  I really just want to leave this so called marriage.  For the kids we stay married.  After the kids, if still here, not sure we'll stay together.  For what purpose?  She hates me.  She despises the life we have.  She wishes for better.  She always has.   I do believe in God, but not in this phony religiousity.    I know my thoughts and anger have separated me from God.  Seems part and parcel?   My view of god is my view of my father--non existent in my life.  Exitent in everyone elses.  

Sorry for the rant and rave.  Guess needed to get that all out.  If I havent totally disgusted and scared you all away--thanks again.


Creston

[Happy2girls]

You are really very mistaken on a very important point...you can NOT blame the failure of your parents to provide a loving stable home for you and the failure of your siblings to support and nurture you on yourself.  You are NOT unlovable my guess is your parents had/have some mental health issues.  Think about your own children, you are obviously in tremendous pain, it must seem like an enormous effort for you to just get out of bed let alone feel loving towards your children.  Is that the fault of your children...no of course it is not and it's not your fault either.  This is how insidious depression is, it just sucks the life and energy out of everyone it touches and the cycle just repeats and repeats.  I do agree with you that psychiatrists (at least in my experience) are more about meds then getting to the root of the problem.  Is there any way you can work with a therapist on a sliding scale and maybe not go through your insurance, if you are concerned about your job.  As far as your marriage, I am sorry to hear that it provides even more stress rather than comfort and companionship.  Are you sure that your wife feels the way you say she does?  I think it is very easy to conclude that others feel about us the way we feel about ourselves.  Maybe going to a counselor for your marriage would be a way for you to get help (talk therapy) without all the stigma that you feel is attached to getting counseling for oneself.  I'm sorry I am not much help here but I feel deeply for you and the position you are in.  And I must confess to being concerned for your childrens' well being as well.  Take care and I am sending you my best wishes.    

[April2]

Don't apologize for dumping on us. That's a good thing! You DO need to get stuff out. It hasn't made me think less of you at all. You are a human being deserving of love just as we all are. And I think you're right. It sounds like your family is in denial. It is unChristian to have problems? What world do they live in? We ALL have problems! Even Christ himself said to expect to have troubles in this world! I also understand being mad or blaming God. We need to remember that he is not like us humans with our human frailties and sins. He is the perfect love and perfect example. We humans are the ones who screw things up! Go back and read about the prodigal son. That's how God feels about us. His love is never changing, always steady, and so much more than we could ever imagine or even grasp. How many people do you know who would be willing to sacrifice their life for you like Jesus did? That's how much he loves you and each one of us. Don't compare people to God. Compare God to people. We aren't the ones who are the perfect example. He is. If you lost everything and everyone, He'd still be there for you. I hope you realize that.
I agree with the others. I think you should try to go to therapy with your wife. You may have to pay out of pocket. We had to do that with my daughter. I chose someone over a recommendation and since he didn't take insurance we had to pay out of pocket. No, it's not cheap and we're not rich but we did this for a year until we felt our daughter was doing much better. He was really good for her. I understand about bills and all, believe me I do! But I think your mental health and your family's mental health is the most important thing for now. Somehow things will work out.
I'm still praying for you, Creston! You can come on here any time you want to talk. It does help to get it out. I wish you well. Let us know before you go overseas. I don't know if you'll have internet access then or not but just know that everything will be ok if you just put your trust in God.
Take care, my friend.
April

[Venora Moonwind]

I know I havent been around in a while but It is good for you to come here and vent. I lost a very good friend and co worker to suicide earlier this year and it has just been devestating. His wife and daughter are having a very difficult time and I have had one myself. It is so upsetting to know that Mike was in such a dark place he felt there was no other way out than suicide. and that is the key. there is always a solution to whatever is happening to us. suicide is not the answere and believe me I have been suicidal myself
since your therapist and docs aarent very good keep coming here to talk to us. We can help
Now for some lifestyle changes.
diet 6 small meals a day lean protiens about 3 oz. all the fruits ,grain and v eggies you want. NO sugar and no caffiene as these aggrqavate depression
exercise,  take at least a 30 minute brisk walk. this will raise your seritonin and dopamine levels
these changes will help you feel better. It will be slow going at first. but it will be worth it.
Please keep coming to talk to us and we will get you throuhg this. We understand becasue we have been there.
Love Venora

[Venora Moonwind]

Have you had your thyroid checked? Hypothyroidism will cause major depression and wont respond to anti depressants. I get really ticked at psychiatrists and other docs that wont test the thyroid before making a mental isllness diagnosis.
I will make a confession now.In 98 I was dx with bi polar I have been coplinat with my meds for about the last 7 years upo untill  about 4 months ago. I wanted to see if it was my thryoid that had been off or was I really bi polar. well you guessed it . It was my thyroid. I feel great after being off my head meds now for about 4 months all I neede was synthorid but all my stupid doctors were too stupid to check it.
when you get yours check make sure they know the new TSH ranges .3 to 3.o anything above 3.0 is hypothyroid. also get your T3,T4 and free t3 and 4
Let me know what you find out.
Love Venora

[April2]

Creston, I've tried twice to send you a pm and it didn't go through. I tried to answer your pm. I don't know what happened. Can you please check on your end and see if you've got me accidently blocked or something? That happened to another one of my friends on here. Anyway, I wanted you to know that I did try to answer that pm!
April

[Happy2girls]

Your picture is adorable!

[nursegirl6572]

I read your last post about 10 times, and I sobbed through it.  First of all....I am SO sorry you are going through this.  Secondly.....with the story you've told....honestly?  Who WOULDN'T be depressed?  My GOD!  You have had a very rough life, and have lacked basic support to help you cope....from birth basically.  You prolly never LEARNED to cope...and were always left to care for and worry anout everyone but YOU.  That makes me so sad.  YOU didn't do this to you.  It ISN'T a character flaw.  It is basic lack of nuturing, period.  And what is sad is....it continues with all of the people in your life.  :0(

Time to work on YOU.  You obviously aren't going to receive a whole lot of support from those around you...for various reasons.  I agree with another poster that a lot of times with severe depression...OUR impression of how others perceive us is not normal, which may be some of the case with your wife.  Even so....for NOW...you have to get well for YOU and for your KIDS.  The other people will either come around or they won't.  If they don't...when you get well, you can address that later.

I don't know your job situation...and am NOT saying that what you say isn't correct...I just think that maybe you are overly worried about the effects of receiving help.  After all...wouldn't your employer want a BETTER you?  You receiving ANY type of medical/mental care is between YOU and the providers only.  Even if your insurance is thru your employer....they do not receive detailed info about what you are doing.  They just pay the premium.  That's it.  If your main concern is being hospitalized...I can understand that a bit...b.c is certainly would be hard to conceal that...as you would be missing work, etc etc.  I don't think hospitalization would be a necessity at this point anyway.....there would be nothing wrong with starting out as an outpatient.  You need something.  You need to be able to sit down with an uninvolved 3rd party who will listen to you and help you work thru this.  Sometimes...depression gets to the point where it is nearly impossible to work on it independently.

Sharing your thoughts and feelings in a venue like this is priceless also.  I hope you continue to do that.  It's basically free group therapy.  You are sharing with people that not only care about you...but also have lived it/are living it as well.

Get well for your kids....so that YOU can nurture and love them the way they need to be...the basics that YOU never had.  :0(  Your dedication to your children comes through loud and clear in your posts....

I wish you all the best...and am thinking of you.  There IS light after this darkness.  It may be a long and tough road....but please give it a chance.  Call a local therapists office and discuss your concerns about your job with them in detail...I think if THEY explain directly to you how it all works...you may be more reassured.  Basically...it is against the law for any doctor/therapit to disclose ANYTHING about their patient to ANYONE BUT the patient.  With the new HIPPA laws, that is even more strict than it has been.  They cannot even release info to your next of kin, unless YOU give them express permission to do so.  It is also against the law for an employer to terminate employment based on your condition.  It is called discrimination...and you could sue the pants off of them.  

I'm wishing you the best...you can do this.

[creston1966]

Thank-you nursegirl (and all of the wonderful people here).  In theory, you are right.  In reality, in the profession I'm in, the rights most people have are exactly opposite.  Its a profession which prides itself on discrimination.  Age, weight, health are all reasons to terminate employment, not keep it.  Its just the way it is.  I accept that.  The help I've gotten over the last 15 months I did mostly on my own--outside of my employers knowledge.  

I know it sounds like a sad story, but its all true......all too true.  Didnt hit on some other areas.  I didnt realize how many stressors have built up until I re-read that post.  I suppose it makes sense now.  I tent to compartmentalize everything.  The whole picture is a bit overwhelming.  But I've made it this far---on my own.   I do think it has to be that way.  There is no firm support system....family, friends to help.  I'm okay with that to some extent.  I wouldnt want anyone close to me to know my inner thoughts and demons.  Asking for help, to me, show weakness.  We all live in a Me world, get mine, keep mine, suck it up.  Its just the way it is.  In theory, we can reach out for help.  And I hear the rhetoric.  But its rhetoric.  I've seen those who are fooled and then reach out.  They become ostracized.  Shunned.  Kicked to the curb.  Only the strong survive.  I'm not one of the strong.   So, in some feeling of safety, I dump here, on a web site.  In my personal life here, no one sees or knows a thing.   I had a psychiatrist tell me I couldnt be that depressed because I function so well.  Why is it those who cant get out of bed and hold a job are considered so worse off.  It is just as anguishing, sometimes more, to be so depressed, but when you MUST function.  There is no relief at all--EVER.  

[Happy2girls]

My heart breaks for you, I feel so helpless in my desire to help and my inability to do so.   I think your post hit a nerve with me because two of the men I love most in my life are very, very similar to you in the way they think and the way they handle the bad feelings.  I am guessing you are either in law enforcement, military or governement.  And I do understand that sometimes unfortunately there are limits to what you can do in certain professions.  I know it sounds cliche and trite but there is no weakness in asking for help, in fact it is a loving gesture to open yourself up to others and it takes great courage and shows enormous strength.  Good luck to you, Creston.  I hope you are soon able to grieve the past that you deserved but did not have and that you can move forward and form the loving relationships that we all are entitled too.      

[xanweaner]

I'd like to send you a pm, but you're not accepting any at this time...so, I'll wait until you remove it. I understand your need for privacy, trust me...
Thanks,
xan

[April2]

Creston, I think you need to talk to Medhelp and tell them that people are unable to send you pm's. I guess I'm not the only one.
Keep in touch!

[creston1966]

Okay, think the pm thing is fixed (brain fart).  I do appreciate the interest--makes me feel good that you want to pm.   You are all so very sweet.

I do need some advice.  I had thought about calling back the psychiatrist office and seeing if they can find something sooner than the late June appt.  Is that presumptious?  The dr is so overworked.  I've never done such a thing and dont feel I'm any more important than anyone else.  Just wonder if I can/should hold out another 4 weeks?  Waited this long.   Tried to call this afternoon but couldnt make myself do it.  Thing is, I wont try anyone else.  Not going to rehash with someone new.  It took this long to garner even a little trust.  The dr I see is okay, just so strapped for time.  The immediate concern is obvious.  It seems that the time I know enough to call is the same time I'm through the crisis of wanting to harm myself.   I do wonder the impact of coming off the anti-depressants and sleep medications since the prescription has run out.  As I had said, when I called a few weeks ago to cancel the May appt, I asked about medications (since I knew they'd run out).  The receptionist really could have cared less and thought it necessary to make it a point to remind me about missing the appt.  I had not missed an appt in 15 months, never late.  I called back a few days later to ask about the medication (refill) again.  The dr was then on vacation or out of the area for whatever reason.  I was given a number to call but refuse to call someone on their time off.  I value what little time I ever get to myself and know the frustation of being called when I'm lucky enough to truly be off.   I think I should just hold off until the appt in late June.  I've had this roller coaster ride for years.  It'll be here well after the next or next or next appt.
Just thinking out loud.

It is sickening to understand how obsessive and selfish all this seems.  I'm sorry it seems to be "all about me".  I know you all have your ups and downs as well.  Thanks for taking time in between to share.


Creston

[Happy2girls]

ABSOLUTELY call your psychiatrist...they expect this, if they don't they are in the wrong profession.  Tell him you NEED to see him.  Stand up for yourself....get out of this cycle you are in of thinking you aren't worth it.  You ARE very much worth it.  Good luck to you.  

[xanweaner]

You must contact the office immediately so you don't let any time lapse in refilling your AD's and sleep aid - very important!! Especially at a crisis time...you don't want to be dealing with any side effects associated with withdrawal, on top of everything that you're feeling. So, there is no option - you must call the number to get a refill - right away!!

You're not bothering them - they understand the interruptions - it's all part of medicine - why do you think that they get paid "the big bucks"? Seriously, your mental health is at risk right now.

Re: your appt. - many times, they have cancellations and will put you on their cancellation list. It's time to speak up for yourself - I'm sure you do it in business - this is no different.

I'm glad that your PM situation is fixed, and I'm also glad to see that you are working with a psychiatrist that you trust. Are you doing psychotherapy with him/her as well?

[creston1966]

thanks xanweaner.  your screen name, while no laughing matter, is does kind of make me smile.  I was put on xanax and klonopin a couple of summers ago for about 6 months.  It was hell coming off them.  How are you doing in that regard.  It's hard but doable.

Well, I'm already out of my last prescription.  Have been for a week or so.  I'm not feeling withdrawals--dont think so anyway.  Was on low dose of Prozac and Wellbutrin.  And took trazodone at night every now and again--for sleep.  I called twice to try and get a new prescription.  Only get the nurse who says she'll pass the message.  I dont really want to go back on any medications to be quite frank.  They havent helped.  

I am not doing therapy with the same psychiatrist (she).  She suggested I see someone for that, but its all I can do to take off an afternoon every 30 days or so to see her.  And I'm not going to spill my guts to another person.  I dont really get the whole system other than it seems overwhelmed.  I know we have to be our own advocates.  I just dont feel up to fighting the system.  I do it all day long as it is.  It was interesting how easily its been to just be dropped.  I'm fortunate to be functioning and have my wits (mostly) about me none-the-less.  But what if that were not the case.  What happens to those who get lost in the system?  I'm not lost, just too tired to fight.  I lay awake every night wishing to be saved; to be rescued from what seems like hell inside my head.  That wont come, I know, without work.  Everyone has all these suggestions, and to do this or that.  Am I the only one who just is too freaking tired to care anymore?  I had to leave work today an hour early to be at home for a delivery and install.  So, what did that mean, well, back in this evening for 2 hours, and in at 5 am to catch up.  I cant take time for me other than sitting here typing on a f*cking site.  

I know, a bunch of excuses.  Just tired.    I thought of this poem I've read a few times over the years.  It says exactly what is happening inside:

I felt a funeral in my brain
By Emily Dickinson

I felt a funeral in my brain
And mourners, to and fro,
Kept treading, treading, till it seemed
That sense was breaking through.

And when they all were seated,
A service like a drum
Kept beating, beating, till I thought
My mind was going numb

And then I heard them lift a box
And creak across my soul
With those same boots of lead, again.
Then space began to toll

As all the heavens were a bell,
And being, but an ear
And I and Silence some strange Race
Wrecked, solitary, here.

[xanweaner]

That is quite a poem...beautiful, sad, and haunting...

From reading your posts, I can see that you are a man who, in many ways, is like a soldier. You have to keep on marching to meet the demands of your position, the demands of your family, but you don't have the fellow comraderie of other soldiers to help you keep up the fight. I can see that you are tired...

You said that there is no time for therapy, but you are going to have to make time. You must start taking care of yourself now, because no one is watching your back...
Find some time in your schedule - lunch, after work, to go to therapy. You wrote about background issues from your childhood that need to be addressed, and also, I think that you're going find comfort in the ability to unburden yourself in a safe, protected environment. Therapy combined with the right AD can really make a difference, rather than AD take alone.

And, as for me - I'm glad the name made you smile - it was definitely "tongue in cheek"...I'm nearly there - have 1 - 2 more phases to go. I'm dreading the next phase and am trying to gear myself up for more psychological pain. I can't wait for this all to be behind me.

I hope that you make the time to take the next, important step...do it for you!

[misssleepy]

you wrote it, not on a paper, on a site you know some people who feel the same will read it.
I agree with alot of what you say. and i honnor your truth ! i love facts too.
But personnality is not fixed forever even after 23 years old. I have a personnality disorder and i am in therapy in a new institue call institut victoria.

A narcissic closet disorder wich include i am bored of everything and get no happyness except sometimes in a sparkel.

most of therapist are inconpetant in that because its not a well known subject yet. that explain why i had been bipolar, borderline, depress whatever before beeing realy help for my disorder.

2 years ago In my first admit in consultation at the institut i said; some people has just been too much screewed up, there is no way to return when you reach what i saw,"
i am 26 now, and after 2 years there i feel some part of me becoming alive. some of that deep hole in my heart getting full by its own. i enter there saying the same as you. But i have to admit that some things had change inside.

the lines of personnality are not fixed for ever so has our brain connections. im talking about science and psychology fact. but more because ive been there done that bought the t-shirt.

still think that a big part of depression is creating by ourself, but not as something that can t be remove! Making real efforts, not all those around the real problem and face it. than start tasting happyness little by little. its a  ******* great gift, better than dying. whats the point of living???
look what is the point for you and than pack your bags and face it.

[pmsQueen]

WOW It looks like alot of people care what happens to you. God must love you. Any way
I just thought Id share this with you. Today I was watching  TV They have this new way to fight depression. Its in the Trial faze. It worked on 8 out of 10 people in the study. Its an electric probe that they insert into the brain and the current stimulates the part of the brain that causes the depression. From the minute the probe went in they felt happy almost immediately. There is help on the way,. They really are working on it, don't give up. I don't remember the channel, but I think It was John Starcel who did the storie. Good luck keep the faith

[April2]

pmsQueen, I read that in the paper this week too! I copied it into a post on here if you want to read it. It sounds exciting. I hope it doesn't take too many more years for them to offer this to the general public.

Creston, I can't figure out why someone called you a mr. F.O ?? Lol, what'd you do to them?? Don't worry! We all love you!

[xanweaner]

I know...I saw that post and wondered how they made it through the censors???
Is that really necessary???

[nursegirl6572]

For some reason....my mind was VERY occupied with you and your strife last night.  Now, I normally post on the anxiety forum....have lurked a lot here...but never felt a strong desire to post, until I read your thread.

I just read your last post....that poem is amazing....VERY accurate in describing a depressed mind and soul.

I KNOW you have your issues and history with the therapy and meds...and I don't blame you for being discouraged....but PLEASE at LEAST be properly weaned off your meds.  If you don't...your depression may actually get worse....and my GOD, you don't want that...especially for THAT reason.

You have SUCH deep wounds...and you need healing.  I really truly and sincerely wish you'd give therapy and meds another try.....sometimes it takes several attempts to get it right...many people here have posted that exact info to you.  YOU are worth giving this a try.  Don't just throw in the towel.

You didnt become this way overnight....and honestly?  I do not feel you are responsible for ONE iota of how you feel.  Problem is...the people or situations who caused it won't be the one to fix it.  That, unfortunately, will be up to you.  You are the ONLY one who can do it.  But, you need the tools.  You cannot do it effectively without those tools.  That would be like trying to change a flat tire without a jack and that tire bolt removal hickey-thingy (yes, I'm not well versed in car repair...lol).....it simply is almost impossible.  You may TRY to do it without the jack...etc...but most likely what will end up happening is you'll cause more damage to the car doing it without the right tools.  It ISN'T the car's fault it got a flat tire....it's that pile of glass 50 miles back on the highway.  Now, the car is WAY far away from the pile of glass that caused the flat....and finding and yelling at that pile of glass won't fix the tire.  Only with the proper tools can it be done.  And again....it's the fault of the glass....fine...but it still needs to be fixed if you want the car to be in tip top shape.  Even so-so shape, right?

It's a shame that YOU are left to pick up the pieces....but it is what it is...and you CAN do it...but with the amount of grief, guilt, sorrow, anger, etc that you are dealing with...you NEED to have someone/something help you work thru those things.  Give the therapy and meds another try.  Ask for complete new meds, start new...from square one.  Go in with as open as a mind as you can muster.  Pull on the words of others who HAVE been in your dark place and managed to come out of it.  Pull on the love of your children who need their Dad.  And, keep talking....keep posting....

My heart goes out to you.....

[creston1966]

I am at a loss as to the early post by misssleepy? I've not corresponded with this person before and do not have any understanding at all why such a mean post.  

Does go to show you these forums and web site are probably not helpful in the long run.  I can see where these kind of sites and information can be troubling for people.  To include me.  I thought I'd find some answers her.

Where you are ALL wrong is in saying it is not my fault or doing.  In reality, as soon as we become adults no one else is responsible to or for us.  We ARE responsible for our own thoughts and actions.  The fact I've not coped well is MY fault.  The fact (?) I'm depressed IS my fault.   In this world of entitlement, where no one is responsible for anything its become too easy, to casual, to pass blame.   Therapists are NOT responsible for me or anyone else.  They are mere humans with all the biases, weaknesses, and ulterior motives as everyone.  To put trust in someone, who really under any other circumstance than a paying customer, could give a rats *** about me seems absurd.  I've seen a psychiatrist for 15 straight months.  Everytime I go, she has to look at a folder and notes to know who I am.  The last time I called for an appt (yesterday) the same receptionist I've talked to (in person as well as on the phone) had no clue who I was.  "Oh, you must be a new patient".   Not that I'm so important I should be remembered.  But after I give my name and talk to her for a minute, maybe you'd get a clue.  This is the world today.  I meet people once and I remember them, their face, their name.  See them again, say hi, say their name and they look at me like I'm a ******* weirdo--"do I know you"?   We live in a hollow, dead world where the only thing that matters is the individual--ME.   Every act is done out of ulterior motive--not bad motive, but for reasons for one to get what they want.  

I'm sorry I provided nothing but negativity and poison to this site.   Maybe better to journal in a private manner.   I have to fix me.  No one else.  

Thanks for all your support (minus one).   later

[Happy2girls]

I disagree that these sites aren't helpful.  It is true that many people don't take the time to really listen but an awful lot of people do listen and care enough to respond and most importantly respond with sincerity.  I hope you don't choose to take the one offensive post to heart and ignore all the rest of the supportive/caring posts that you have received.  As for your psychiatrist, personally I think you need to find another.  I know you don't relish rehashing your situation but if they are so impersonal I doubt you are really getting any benefit by staying with them.  You really need to have a bond with your therapist and it can take a few tries before you find that connection.  I am sorry you are having such a bad time, Creston.  I really do hope that you continue posting.  PS....I do agree that we are responsible for our actions, our THOUGHTS however are another matter entirely.      

[April2]

Creston, you had a lot of caring people here respond to you. Don't take the one negative response and let that discount all the postive responses. I don't know what that problem is with that person but I don't think it has anything to do with you. I think it has to do more with them.
Creston, sometimes you have to find the good in life. It's not all bad. Yes, there's some bad apples out there but I for one believe there are a lot of good people doing good things. They just don't seem to make the news as much as all the bad stuff, which is a shame. You said something about journaling and I think that's a good idea. But let's go one step further. How about keeping a gratitude journal? I had that suggested to me and I thought it was a wonderful idea. I can tend to be negative if I'm not careful. But when I have to think of say three things good that happened to me today it changes my perspective. I will notice things more. Sometimes we miss it. Maybe it was the person who smiled at you in the store and wished you a good day. Maybe it was a friend who helped you out when you needed it. Sometimes we do have to look for it but it's there. It can be something small but meaningful.
Creston, you've got to stop being so hard on yourself. You have a habit of beating yourself up, don't you? Let it go. Nobody here is judging you. We are all here for you. You are not spreading poison. You are sharing your thoughts and feelings right now. We all need to do that from time to time. Do you have a friend you could confide in? That could be even better than a therapist, someone who you could trust to keep anything you say to themselves. It's good to have a friend like that. Just be careful who you do confide in. Make sure they are an honorable person with your best interest at heart.

I agree with the above poster. You should find a different psychiatrist. I don't know if he just has too big of a caseload that he doesn't remember his patients but all the more reason to find someone new.
I do agree with something you said. You are responsible for your own health and happiness. You need to get to the point where you can let go of your past and move forward. Keep searching. Don't give up. If you are truly seeking with all your heart you will find what you are searching for. Have hope. Big *Hug* to you!
April

[vegansmile]

You sound so very much like me. I agree with the way you think. I take full responsibility for me. I once very much believed in God. I believed he would help me to gain the strength I needed to cope in this hell world. This only made me feel worse because I'm convinced if their was a god he hates me. I feel like damaged goods due to my childhood. I've never been happy or known peace. I never felt "innocent". I was born on old soul. Things have never been easy. They only get harder. I never expected or desired a hand out. I've always worked hard. I've found people to be self centered and cruel. I'm ashamed to be a "people". I don't like them. I don't like me. I also wish very much that I was dead. I look forward to the day. The pain from depression is so dark.
I know the pressure of work. I also, have people who rely on me. people who I am  responsible and strong for. I understand your concerns around counseling. I have been late for therapy because of work and traffic. I missed a session once because I was sick. My husbands sister passed away from either a suicide or accidental drug overdose.  I asked my therapist to please call me. I was throwing up. Instead she sent me a bill for $150.00. I understand what you're saying about the mental health field. It's unfortunately rare to find the therapist or psychiatrist that is really able to help. They are only human and can only help so much. I've been on A LOT of meds. I'm most grateful for the ones that help me sleep. Without them I'm up for days. I suffer from chronic pain and exhaustion.
My heart is broken too. I'm sorry you're in so much pain. I do understand. I don't have children but I am married. (I've been so deeply depressed for so long that I made a conscious decision when I was a child that i had no intentions of bringing another living creature into this world.) If I took my life it would devastate my husband.
It's so hard being depressed or having a personality disorder. I'm pretty sure I have one. I have great difficulty being around most people. I "act". I'd be fine living away from people. They stress me out.
I wish you the best. Your thoughts aren't unusual to me. I could have wrote the same things you did. It helped me to know others walk this planet feeling the same way I do.
I hope this brings you some comfort. Maybe your time overseas will awaken something positive in your being that you can hold onto. I still hang onto a thread of hope that things will change for me someday. I try to accept that they probably won't. I'm pretty hard wired.
Good luck Creston
PEACE~

[vegansmile]

BTW...missleepy has a clear personality disorder, probably borderline, and some other issues going on by the post. I wouldn't concern myself with that.
missleepy needs to relax and get some sleep~

[888mom]

I am sorry that you are going through what you are going through.  I can't say I've been through what you are going through, but I've seen my mother go through it.  I really hope you do get help.  Marriage counseling did help my parents out.  I wish they had gone through it when I was a kid.  They were great to us, but we'd hear them arguing and fighting and never agreeing on things.  It was scary.  I still have memories of them fighting.  

What I really wanted to comment on was on your faith in God.  I have been through periods of doubt of my faith.  I have had lupus since I was 18, and am now in my mid 30s.  I've dealt with horrible joint pain, debilitating fatigue that cripples my ability to do things in life if I don't watch my limits, and I get sick a lot more often because my immune system attacks itself as well as viruses, so my immune system doesn't work as great as other peoples.  I went through a period where I was angry at God.  I had prayed for years.  Why would he not remove this illness?  Why did it get worse instead of better?  For years I was angry and bitter and my heart was so heavy.  I can't say I'm still not angry at times, but the constant anger is gone.  

I believe in God.  But what got me was other Christians telling me that God heals you if you have faith.  That's balony.  I knew this one girl who had faith so strong, stronger than most people I've met.  She got breast cancer.  She went to work every day while going through chemo.  The cancer went away for a year.  Came back in her bones.  She died within the next year.  But I watched her at work, her faith strong.  I had several conversations with her about her faith because I was concerned about my faith in God.  She said that if she died from the cancer, that was God's will, and that there must be a reason for it, and that she would not find out here on earth, but she'd find out in heaven.  She had her moments when she was depressed and in pain, obviously, but she also kept her faith.  That was one of the things that changed me and has helped me cope with pain and fatigue on a daily basis.  I don't blame God for my health anymore.  Autoimmune diseases seem to run in families (and there are autoimmune diseases on both sides of my mom and dad), so it's a genetic thing.  So I don't blame myself either.  There has got to be some reason I have to deal with this, some reason that people get sick, battle depression.  And we're not goign to find out here on earth.  

I read the bible when I get depressed.  Sometimes it helps me.  Sometimes not.  But there are a lot of people in the bible, God's people, who get the short end of the stick.  I think the bible says that God tests us, he gives us trials. Oh, and I like to read the book of Job.  God allowed the devil to test Job.  So many terrible things happened to Job, and Job was a devout, God loving man, and God still allowed it to happen to him.  But there was a reason for it.  In the end, Job was able to witness to other people.  And these other Jewish people were telling Job that it must have been something he did, some failure on his part or some relative.  Nope, it wasn't.  it just happened, not because of anything Job did or didn't do.  I feel like a big failure a lot of the time, but I know that God will not give us things that we can not handle in some way.  I get upset at some Christians, although I know they mean well, when they say things like if you had faith you would not be sick, not be poor, not be depressed.  They are just so wrong. Christians go through all these things, just like the rest of the population.  To ignore if you are in one of these situations is not a good thing either.  We are supposed to pray for ourselves and each other.  If you ignore something pretending it doesn't exist so you think you are being a good Christian, well, it's not a good thing.  God wants the poor, the hungry, the sick to come to him.  

Why would it be an embarrasment to be poor or hungry or sick?  I go to a church, which is a small congregation of about 20 families, where the pastor regularly prays every Sunday pretty much for every family.  There are several who are going through financial problems and work difficulties.  There are many who have health issues, either temporary or ongoing.  The pastor has even prayed for some people's emotional health, in the middle of church service!  When I first moved here, and was new to the church, I had been in a big mega church, and there it seemed you just prayed for the old people or those in the hospital, not really for everyone.  And I was embarrased about my lupus and didn't want people to know, which created stress for me because I had to watch my activity level and people would wonder why I couldn't help out on something or another, because there I was this young woman, why shouldn't I be doing a lot more?  So I suffered depression in that church and felt embarrased and shamed.  The current church I'm in, it took awhiel for me to observe the true Christian behavior of the parishoners.  They prayed for so many things, and not all health problems were healed, but these peopel with health issues were happy.  Why?  So it took awhile ,but I finally had my name added to the prayer list.  Now the whole congregation knows I have lupus and they pray for me.  I pray for me.  Prayer is not selfish.  I pray for others as well.  I still deal with pain, sickness, and fatigue on a daily basis and depression because of those issues, but it's not as bad as it was.  

Having your spouse be there for you is also important.  I think women get caught up in being moms, I'm guilty of it too.  But, I heard an excellent speaker at a conference I went to a couple years ago, that there are three orders of importance: God, spouse, children.  Often women get them reversed, and they will take care of their children first, maybe then their spouse, and then God.  Sometiems they have children then God then spouse.  Anyways, I have to consciously think about this all the time.  It's hard to remember, and I have to ask my husband to help me, but in order for our children to have a good view of their parents, they need to see us have a loving relationship.  Sometimes that means their needs come second not first.  The speaker at this conference said she didn't learn that until later, but when she learned it, her kids had some difficulty dealing with it because they were older teenagers.  My parents went through marriage counseling after I had gotten married, and even as an adult seeing my parents correct years and years of bad marriage, fighting, and everythign else, it has helped me as an adult.  My husband and I address a lot of similar issues.  We have been through some counseling, and even if people don't have problems, marriage counseling is never a bad thing.  And if you can't afford marriage counseling or afford it because of your career, then there are so many books to help couples work things out.

Well, I will keep you in my prayers.  I'm sorry if I'm a little disorganized in my thoughts.  Just wanted to share some things.  

  

[alex1117]

I agree with you 100%.  I have been dealing with depression since 1997. My world caved in on me after a divorce and the failure of a second relationship.  I take medication, a minimal dose, just to get through the days, especially winter.  It's a daily struggle. I think it's because our worlds have fallen apart and it's difficult to rebuild them when you are an adult. The world is unstable and the people we meet do not have the same loyalty and values we do.  But I am in the same boat.

[prozacprincess]

I'm new to this site but I came across your post.  The following is one of your comments.  "In fact, I have no love at all for me.  I could not hate a person more than I hate myself."  Talk about hitting the nail on the head with that statement.  I so understand that one.  I just wish I knew how to change it.  I have read a lot of great advice from people who really seem to care.  I, unfortunately, don't have any advice that might help.  All I can say is that I really admire you, and I'm being utterly sincere.  You have gone through so much and yet you still find the strength to keep going.  You don't sound selfish at all, quite the opposite actually.        

[Kgbiddix]

You don't want fluff, well LISTEN good. We're all tired of depression, but you have to do something about it. I'm 46 been depressed all my life, relized what my problem was at 23 so I started reading self help books, you have to relize you have a problem and you may need some meds. But if things are not working change them.
By your profile you want attention or maybe you need to find out who you really are. Get out from under the computer, quit writing pity letters. Get out of the black clothes and brighten up some. Suicide is the weak way out.
Only you have the power to change what is wrong decide your not going to be this way and do something about it. Everything is in your head, be it good or bad, change it.
God is real and he don't come to you, you have to go to him.
Good book is "The Power of Positive Thinking"
Karen

[Rob737]

Creston I understand you completely how we want to torture ourselves for ever letting ourselves fall into a deppresion.  I too think that to a point we have some control as how we let ourselves get mentally.  I don't know if you remember me still but I've never been very religious but my mother is.  I've started praying the rosary a little every night for the last month.  I don't know if this is coincidence or what but I was put on a new anti-depprecent along with the 100mg Zoloft and I no longer have any bad thoughts, I not questioning the meaning of life, why I'm here.  All this after just one dosage of Abilify, 2mg.  I guess it's used for people who are bipolar as well.  But I guess they're prescribing it to people who have bad thoughts.  I've been taking it 4 days now.  I can't believe the difference.  It's like somebody flipped a light switch.  I'm not 100% yet but I'm actually enjoying life, work and my kids again.  I don't know if you have tried this medication.  I just couldn't believe it's helped me so fast.  Usually these things take months or weeks for me to feel any difference.  Tell me what you've taken.  Maybe we can help one another somehow.

[whatsthis987]

im not going to make this long. I read your initial post and i felt my gut drop. Ive been there. we all have. wanna know what helped me?
its not medicine, its not treatment. its not a home. its not quitting.

i will not say it in this post b/c i want to know that you are there and listening but get back to me and i will tell you what has kept me going.

[Rtyler]

Wow!!!  The initial post expressed some veri strong feelings.  I understand where ur comming from...I come from a long line of mentally depressed family and trust me it is veri real...Some are functioning without meds/therapy but most of us are at least using meds to prevent episodes...however starting and stoping meds is dangerous and could be the reason u aren't feeling results.  I remember my mom would say the same things u say...its not real...I don't need the meds...but after 2 or 3 days without the meds I woke up and found her head in the oven with the oven on trying to kill herself...she suffered from depression as well as schizophrenia severely...U are not alone this forum is a good way to self medicate (therapy) also developing some sort or relationship with a higher power coupled with meds, determination, perseverance and patients...ur problems didn't happen over nite and may be part of ur life work but ur mental, spiritual, physical and mental health should be priority in ur life for u and ur kids!  U will have good days and bad days but just take it one day at a time and celebrate the good days!  I hope to see u on here again...if u ever need to talk I'm here to listen.

Stay in the fight!  Rtyler

[lost_myself]

Creston,
I dont know you and there are already volumes of good on here . You and i are about the same age and in the same place. A couple weeks ago my dad asked why i was like i was ( depressed) and why i was crying all the time etc.. during the convo i let slip  I was scared it would hurt when i shot myself. you know what he did ..quoted a statstic about how many people wonder that..so i feel you when speak of your fellings etc. I found a book that may do jack **** for you or it may change you life like it did mine. its called become a better you.i wont bore you details on the book or how i found it... judge for yourself.Keep lookin ahead ..feel free to pm me anytime Im here for the long haul ..take care.

[Kobuk]

Boy reading these posts give me hope.  Thanks.

[cooplist]

I am totally shocked by your post, but at the same time I'm not. I think you need a little reality brought into your life. In so many of your posts, you are insulting and dismissing so many issues that other people are dealing with. Depression IS a real thing. Its not ONLY caused by chemicals, but by life experiences. You want an example? I've lost children, Ive been severely abused off and on (mostly on) since I was six years old by a family friend, boyfriends, and even my mother. We had child services in our house constantly when me and my sister were kids. Ive tried to commit suicide quite a few times when I got to points where I didn't realize WHAT I was doing or the impact it would have on people. In between attempts, I did realize that, but while your going down that depressive slope, you don't realize it. I have also been diagnosed with borderline personality disorder. I self injure by cutting, burning, bulimia with anorexic traits. Ive also been diagnosed with PTSD, Severe depression, conversion disorder, anxiety, complicated grief and several less severe psychiatric disorders. Have you ever read up on what personality disorders are? You never stated WHAT personality disorder you have, which is quite strange if you've been diagnosed with a personality disorder (there are quite a few different types). To say that personality disorders are untreatable, is NOT true. Just the same way cancer is treated, or diabetes or heart disease, can come out of remission, the same thing is true with personality disorders and depression. They CAN be treated. They may not be able to be cured, but they can be treated and managed. There are a lot of diseases that can not be explained, but just because they cant be explained, doesn't mean they aren't real. YOUR life experiences, from what I have read, IS an explanation of why you feel depressed.

Reading through your posts I see the need you have to be the victim and seek approval. THIS IS part of having some personality disorders. You believe that "misssleepy" attacked you? But aside from a very poor judgment in choosing a "TO" name of Mr **** Off? (sorry I don't get that either) this person, in no way attacked you in their post. You are a very straight forward person, but the second someone is straight forward with you, you take is as an attack. Also, another "symptom" of some personality disorders.You contradict yourself so much in your posts, I understand why you are confused. You say people, such as your inlaws and your wife and family, who you seek help, understanding and support from, have dismissed you and avoid you, but at the same time, you say YOURSELF, that you cant be helped. If you don't accept help and support you have to realize most of these people will feel helpless and not KNOW how to help you. Do you realize what a contradiction this is? If you believe you cant be helped then your sessions of going to a therapist? psychiatrist? psychologist? counselor? are pointless. You didn't say what type of counseling you are/were getting , but if you feel all you deal with is medication changes, then it must be a psychiatrist, and they aren't there to deeply counsel you, but are there to deal with the medical side of psychiatric disorders. There ARE community services that can help you out in counseling. You don't have to see just one person. There are different counselors for grief, depression, marriage issues... whatever you may have. There are community groups out there that are there to listen and help and share their stories and tell what has worked for them and hasn't. It not only helps you, but YOU will be helping others by being there, telling your stories and so on. You say the medications aren't working, not because of side affects, but because of the fact that you need to take them to feel? Once again, you are NOT accepting help. If you settle with the fact that they aren't there to make you feel better and brush away the shame of taking medications, you might feel a little better. It is VERY wrong when you say psychiatrist wont treat personality disorders. I am being treated. I've been/am on several different kinds of medications. I've gone through trying a lot of different kinds of meds tryinf to find the ones that WILL help me. It takes time. It takes patience, but most of all, it takes you accepting that you need help. You say your job is too much. That you have to deal with everyone else's problems and it makes you feel worse. But that if you get help you will be fired? Also that you only have limited help/counseling that doesnt work. Once again, I am confused a little. If you can't handle your job, why not find a new one, or retire like someone said you were thinking about. One that will LET you get the help you need. If its because the money is so good at your current job that you cant leave, then you should be able to afford better counseling then what your insurance is providing you. Otherwise, you should find a new one. What kind of job would fire you because you are seeking help to be better in your life and job? It just doesn't make sense!

You say your marriage is on the rocks and if it wasn't for the children, then you would be gone. Don't you think it would be better for your kids to see you happier, then to see you in a loveless marriage that makes you unhappy? "I'm done being unhappy 24 hrs a day, 7 days a week.....month after month.......year after year". If you don't deal with the issues that are making you unhappy like being in a loveless marriage, being at a job that makes you feel worse and WONT let you get the help you need, how can you expect to be happy? There are a lot of things that I agree with you on. God... I dont know if I believe in god. So many things have happened in my life that I find it hard to believe there is a god who would let all those things happen to someone so young who cant hep themselves. "So spare me the fake concern."? You don't want people to show you concern? Then one... why did you post on here. And two... if anyone is bluntly honest with you and not coddling you and not begging you to not hurt yourself and saying how much it would hurt others if you did, or not showing deep concern, you are deeply hurt. You need to dig deep and figure out what it is you REALLY want. Write it down, so you can look at it and not find yourself in a contradiction and misunderstandings and help you get the help you need or DON'T want. Don't use your children as reasons for you not to kill yourself or not get out of a bad marriage. That's putting an awful lot of responsibility on them, and your taking the chance of them finding out that you stayed in a bad marriage because of them and may feel you have resentment for them because of that. But most of all, you need to take responsibility for your own happiness and your own strength NOT to go through with killing yourself, because until you have respect for yourself and for your own strength and stop using other people to determine your own happiness, you will never figure out what it is you need to survive. Live for yourself first, then others second. Someone said "you don't have a choice", but you do have a choice, but it is your responsibility to make the RIGHT decisions for YOURSELF first, and everyone else second. But first you need to open your eyes to the fact that you need help and are worth being helped and being loved.

Continue Below...

[cooplist]

"I do believe, for me, that I am not "depressed" in a clinical sense.". Until you accept that you DO have depression, even clinical depression, you will never get the help you need.

"Asking for help, to me, show weakness.  We all live in a Me world, get mine, keep mine, suck it up.  Its just the way it is." This cant be any further from the truth. Asking for help doesn't show weakness. It shows the exact opposite. It shows strength. Everyone deserves help, just as it is an obligation to not always think about your self ONLY, but to help others. This is the circle of life. We do NOT live in a ME world. A least we all don't. There is a difference between being selfish all the time, and helping yourself by letting others help you. Until you realize that, again, you will not feel better or be able to move on.

" In my personal life here, no one sees or knows a thing.   I had a psychiatrist tell me I couldnt be that depressed because I function so well.  Why is it those who cant get out of bed and hold a job are considered so worse off.  It is just as anguishing, sometimes more, to be so depressed, but when you MUST function.". You say no one see or knows a thing, yet you say how bad you feel because you aren't understood or cared for. You say you don't think you are depressed, just the unability to cope, then say its just as anguishing to be so depressed but you must function and get upset because there are people who are considered worse off then you BECAUSE they CANT do the things you do... but you WONT tell the truth of how you feel to the people in your life. Very confusing! Also, its not the fact that people who aren't able to get out of bed and go through their day are considered worse, but the fact that they are so depressed that they don't see the importance of getting out of bed and pushing yourself through the day, That the depression has basically depressed their mind and body so much, that they don't realize or care about the importance of those things that makes them "worse". I have been in that spot and have been hospitalized quite a few times because I got to that place. Getting to that place isn't being selfish because you are thinking about only yourself, but its being in dire need because you don't recognize the importance of of yourself and others and the importance of of getting out of bed and pushing through your day.

You know you are worthy of help, or else you wouldn't be so upset when you can't get the help when you need it. Make sense? I believe you just feel you have to put on a front that you don't deserve help, so people don't think you're selfish. If someone gives you a number to call to talk to your psychiatrist, take that number and call them. If the secretary is giving you the number, then the psychiatrist has given them permission to do that, and the psychiatrist is expecting to have those calls.

Someone said, you have to stop being so hard on yourself. BUT, also, you are being hard on everyone else... the whole world to be exact. You make things out to be SO black and white, that you cant see the gray in between. NOT ALL counselors or therapist are out for themselves.  They go through the training  to listen to you, to give ideas, to help you. Give them a chance. You might not find the right one right away, but they are out there, and more then you think. Not everyone in the world thinks about "ME, ME, ME". And it is hurtful to think that. Hurtful to yourself and hurtful to others who have reached out to yourself, because you are basically saying they are being fake in their concern for you.

As for the psychiatrist not remembering you... you have to realize that they have SO many patient every day that they are trying to help. To expect them to not have to look in the folder to see what ye talked about the last time, and any changes they made, is to expect the impossible. If they were trying to figure out who you are, they wouldn't have to open the folder. Your name would be on the front of it. I don't NOT believe that if you were seeing different people every half hour (about 10 appointments a day or more, plus emergencies that psychiatrist deal with, and patients in hospital they have to visit) that you would remember everything you need to know about them. Be realistic. Stop being so selfish that you think the world is against you and that the whole world is the same. You WONT find the help you need if you don't give them a chance or look for the help you need if one doesn't work. Thats like saying you should marry the first person you have a relationship with. Thats simply unrealistic and selfish to believe that the world is going to drop in your lap, that you don't have to do some work for yourself, that the whole world only cares about themselves. I have a wonderful family doctor (OB/GYN also) who I use to think didn't remember things about me. That he wouldn't realize that I hadn't been there in ages if I didn't show up for an appointment. But my god, he realized when I hadn't been there in awhile, and had his secretary call me and see how I was doing and to make sure I made an appointment to come in. Another few times, he had stated that he was thinking about me in between appointments and was anxious to see how I was doing. I was so wrong about him, and now realize that he is the best person that could have come into my life. I last seen a psychiatrist at the end of august. At that time, my regular psychiatrist decided to move away to a larger city for family reasons, and I had realized that my meds were working fine, and I didn't really need to sign up with one of the other psychiatrist, who I had known for earlier hospital admissions before my final psychiatrist and I knew I didn't like them. I realized that I'm at a place where I don't need my psychiatrist at the moment. So my family doctor agreed to deal with any medications changes I might need (which we are dealing with right now... cutting back on them to see if I can come off any of them. So far so good.). I also see a counselor usually once a month. Sometimes I don't feel like she helps me, sometimes I do. If after I get to an appointment I feel I don't have anything to say, i'll either leave early or cancel before the appointment. This is a community counselor and I was refered there by my psychiatrist and family doctor. So, im doing ok now. If it comes to a point where I am going downhill again, whether I realize it or not, my family doctor told me I will have to see one of the other psychiatrist, and I agreed with that, especially if I end up in the hospital on the psychiatric ward again.

I've also given up on meds at a few points, and never realized how much they helped me until I started back on them after a huge drop into a deep dark hole when I stopped taking them. I posted a few posts like yours. Not quite as in depth as yours, but I posted. And I had a similar post to me as im writing to you. I look back on my post and see how desperate I was for assurance that it was ok for me to end my life. How self absorbed I was and how irrational I was thinking no one cared. Wow, how things have changed. Don't get me wrong, I still struggle daily with this, and I am in no way cured or better, but they aren't as bad as they use to be. Not saying I wont end up back there. I am currently dealing with my ex boyfriend who has been bothering me and even pushed his way into my apartment last week and hit me a few times. I'm having medical issues because of my eating disorder... but i'm still alive. Thats a miracle!

I HAVE been where you are or when when you wrote this post. I was angry, believing I couldn't be helped, angry at what doctors were telling me (ie. high iq, high functioning, should be able to get out of this mess, and so on. BUT I spoke up for myself and told them exactally how I was feeling, no matter what it was I was thinking or or feeling.

I certainly hope you are doing better and got the help you needed, I HAD to reply!

[fecalnomore]

I have the feelings of despair, struggle, emotion flowing down through my soul. I can't escape it, it is there wanting me to notice, wanting me to observe, wanting me to call for help, wanting me to respond in any way. People all around me notice me, because i am an attractive humanbieng. I cant feel normal, i dont want to feel normal. Something in me  just cant change, even if i want it to. Maybe it's not me, maybe i'ts meant to be this way. sad days go by. starting day at noon, when everybody's gone. lookin at the monitor of the computer or the TV screen. getting news, probably more depressing then ever. eating same things, talking  the same thing's, repeating habitat. feeling awkward during conversation, feeling boring when you start talking, claustrophobic around people.I fell i need to get away, just escape or kill everyone. wonder what it would be like if there was  no one in earth but me.
no one to talk to, no nervousness, all the things in the world is for only one and its for me.
I can do whatever i want without anyone looking or telling me that i am weird.
I have seen people's eyes full of disgust and sympathy at the same time while they are looking at me, they want to help but they cant. Traveling with family but also discovering some rude people who can ruin and change your life and destiny forever. We are simply made for each other, everyone of us are so connected that it is simply crazy. Looking at god and bible makes me more depressed knowing that some people are actually damned before they are even born kills me inside. I thought about philosophy of life and getting books or just having a hobby. I love art but hate painting. i might try taking photos. changing lifestyle, maybe having few close friends, but it will take time. I still need some explanation from god or Buddha or whatever that is that is in control.
I know this things had to happen but in the end what's the point? all it do was to made me angry, suffer people and think incredibly selfish sick minded thought's.
Death is another thing, i don't want to feel nothing when i die. even if it's life after death, i don't want to take cowards way out. Heaven/hell can wait. I still think i have many things to feel before i die. heck i have to try to visit some places and experience sex or childbirth. i need to feel those joys that only LIFE has to offer.

[wolfleo]

Honestly,  we aren't to blame for our depression... only who we become.   Depression swallows us when we least expect it and we are confused by it and try to understand it until we become numb and no longer have the strength or will to try and find a reason.  
I think a lot of it could be trapped memories that refuse to come into focus and the pain keeps us down without giving us a reason.
Does your mind race when you close your eyes at night and try to sleep. You want to sleep and are sleepy but your mind will not stop?  I have this problem at the moment and exhaustion will finally take me to the sleep I crave.  I have been fighting depression all of my life that I can remember and I wanted to die since I was 6 for reasons I wont bore you or the readers with. I can tell you this... if you allow happiness into your life, it will find its way there.
I wonder too if maybe your wife is suffering depression as well?  Maybe she is not in denial,, maybe she is as confused as you yourself.  We all do not show our true feelings the same and though it may seem like you are alone, in reality there are people around you everyday that are suffering from depression and many have not been treated.  Don't feel alone, you aren't. You just have to find a reason that you want to be here, something to make you want to live and want to better yourself for.  My pick would be the children and spouse but I am not you and have no idea what you would pick.
My choice when I was a child was my father (though he had passed away) I had a strong sense of right and wrong and the fear of never seeing him again gave me that reason to live.  
Good luck to you Creston, I really hope you find the thing in life that makes you want to live again.

[shinty]

I know what you mean! I have tried every antidepressant and therapy under the sun to no avail. I don't however, feel the same way you doabout the mental health "industry". It has helped alot of people. It's a bummer that we happen to be the ones who "fall through the cracks". I am still trying to beat this, and will never give up.

[Mercy7]

I am new here tonight and I was reading over some things in this messageboard.  I'm not usually one for opening up to people whether I know them or not.  I've tried before but most times, no one really cares, except God.  I feel for the people on this board and it's very kind of you all to support one another like you do.  I have been fighting depression nearly ALL of my 41 years and although I DO have faith in God, I also understand that it's an uphill struggle at times to beat this thing called "depression."  I'd like to come here sometimes when I'm feeling particularly down and out.  Would you all be willing to let me do so?  Thank you and God bless!

[Fairytail008]

Hi Creston, My name is Rachel. I also can share in your pain and anxieties from my past. I felt life was hopeless and pointless. I also have a child. But I found a break.. not sure what sparked it other then realizing that life is what I made it. I have full control over my life and what choices I make. If I hate something in life, it is time to make a change no matter how uncomfortable. I choose my own attitude and how it affects me. I woke up one day and decided to challenge myself by trying really REALLY hard to just think positive ALL day no matter what bad things happen. I believe that as a coping mechanism, my brain is programed to go straight to a negative thought no matter what situation because of what I've been through. It always ends up badly so why bother. I think this is what's happening in your case. I feel that God wants you to know that what you have been through in life was HARD and not NORMAL. You have been through something that IS unique in its own way. Don't demean what happened to you by putting it on the same level as everyone else. They have not gone through the exact same thing BUT you are NOT alone in the hurt and pain/ reprocussions. Take control of your past by not allowing it to control you. Today is a new day, you are living right now. Your life IS important! You don't feel that way but YOU ARE NEEDED, YOU ARE WANTED. Your life RIGHT NOW is worthwhile. Your children should mean everything to you! Because you would have wanted that when you were a child from your parents. Don't repeat time! Make a better childhood for your kids. They're life expectancy depends on YOU. So I am challenging you now, write something down somewhere that only you will see everyday when you wake telling you that You are important and you have control over your own feelings, emotion, and attitude. Think positive thoughts the entire day no matter how hard your brain tells you otherwise. Only listen to music that is Positive, don't listen to anything that makes you feel unhappy. I know it sounds korny but take time every day to tell yourself that you are important and in control. Love yourself for once because you are loved and DESERVE to be loved. Life is only what you make it because YOU make your own choices about how you feel..

[tippie36]

Hey Creston, my name is Tiffany and I am 25 years old. I know what you are going through. when you have thoughts of suicied or that you are worthless just know that they are not your thought and that you don't own them. The devil has put them there. he plants a seed in hope that it will grow. We have to rebuke him. When we say "I rebuke you satan in the name of jesus" he has no choice but to flee. when I experience negitive thoughts I pray this and I am filled with joy.
Also, I just want you to know that it is ok to be weak. The bible says “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. 2 Corinthians 12:9  Here are some other helpful verses that I found just for you.
- "Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest."  Matthew 11:28
- "Casting all your anxieties on him, because he cares for you." 1 Peter 5:7
-"Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make straight your paths."Proverbs 3:5-6
-" The Lord is a stronghold for the oppressed, a stronghold in times of trouble." Psalm 9:9  
-"Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things." Philippians 4:8

I know you prolly didn't want verses thrown at you but you and everyone else who is living with depression and crazy thoughts....etc you all need to know that the only thing that will save you is having a personal relationship with Jesus. Those negative thought are the devil not you, he doesn't want you to be happy he want to steal, kill, and destroy. The bible is full of good things not bad, God dosen't cause bad thing to happen to you, satan does. Don't blame God, fight the devil.

Closing thought; you can not do this (live life) on your own, you NEED Jesus and without him you will fail, because we are weak and that's ok. Who want's to have to carry all these burdons when you can just give them to Jesus.

Psalms 55:22 says "Turn your burdens over to the LORD, and he will take care of you. He will never let the righteous person stumble."

[Dostoyevsky]

Save me a seat on the Greyhound to the graveyard!

Obviously you retain at least some sense of value in your own existence by proffering your perspective here, online.  Folk with genuine apathy are not inclined to project—for any reason, be it severe lack of self (i.e. a disgusting dependence upon others for personal guidance and acceptance) or some idle attempt at self-expression while subverting strain on the throat, wallet, or wrist.

But the only fact which accords every physical thing any value is that it is of transient existence:  That life will end is what makes living worth it.

We’re all going to die.  I at least intend to deserve it.  I doubt you do—yet.

YOU DON'T MATTER (nothing does).  The ultimate truism.  It’s the one thing that gets me through the day.  

At least wait until after this year's presidential election.  Vote, then veto viva.