Aa
Depression Isnt Real
I've dealt with feelings of depression for a long time--years. And I've been suicidal in the past. I tried the therapy route. Been prescribed multiple antidepressants. Nothing has worked. I'm done with the whole racket, scam which is the mental health industry. I have not heard from one person, not a single person, who has been "healed" from a mental health "disease". Cancer is a disease--you can see it, you can test for it, and it can kill you and it is known why and how it does so. The same cannot be said for depression. Yes, obviously, people, including me, get depressed. But it is not a disease. It is a symptom of something larger. A symptom of coping (or not).
For me, it is a failure of personality (lack thereof) and character. To think I have to take a medicine to feel okay is ridiculous to me. If I cant make myself feel okay, no one or nothing else can. It is "all in my head"--duh. And it is "chemical"--duh. Everything is chemical. But what is the cause. Why cant I ever.........EVER feel happy? Ever feel joy? Ever feel worthwhile. I've tried, I cant talk myself into it. The medications make me feel worse--not from the side effects but from the fact I'm taking a drug to try and feel. Might as well snort cocaine--same outcome. I've come to realize the only time I do feel good is when in intimate moments. Or moments when I think there could be a relationship developing. That's all chemical. The same chemicals which get triggered when one takes a mood altering drub or AD. That goes back to personality flaws which at my age cannot be fixed. It is well known psychiatrists will not treat those with personality disorders. Why? Because their is no fixing them. Not with therapy, not with drugs.
I've given up trying. The suicidal thoughts are back in full force. And I'm not going to deny them. Rather, embracing them. I'm done being unhappy 24 hrs a day, 7 days a week.....month after month.......year after year. The internal pain is beating me down. I give up. I cant even close my eyes and hope to push the pain down for a few hours during sleep. Its there in my sleep. There is no escape but one. This is not a plea for help. I'll either get past these thoughts or I wont. What I need is for some to understand. Not give the fake reply about not taking my life, how others will be hurt.....blah blah. I'm alone and the only one feeling this way and with the courage to acknowledge the realness of my pain. Flowery words, spiritual fluff are not helpful. If god were real and as powerful as so many claim we would be here on this web site. So spare me the fake concern. The fact is I'm coming to a point of peace and resolution. And it feels good--finally.
This is my final post.....either way. Hope you all find the answer for you.
For me, it is a failure of personality (lack thereof) and character. To think I have to take a medicine to feel okay is ridiculous to me. If I cant make myself feel okay, no one or nothing else can. It is "all in my head"--duh. And it is "chemical"--duh. Everything is chemical. But what is the cause. Why cant I ever.........EVER feel happy? Ever feel joy? Ever feel worthwhile. I've tried, I cant talk myself into it. The medications make me feel worse--not from the side effects but from the fact I'm taking a drug to try and feel. Might as well snort cocaine--same outcome. I've come to realize the only time I do feel good is when in intimate moments. Or moments when I think there could be a relationship developing. That's all chemical. The same chemicals which get triggered when one takes a mood altering drub or AD. That goes back to personality flaws which at my age cannot be fixed. It is well known psychiatrists will not treat those with personality disorders. Why? Because their is no fixing them. Not with therapy, not with drugs.
I've given up trying. The suicidal thoughts are back in full force. And I'm not going to deny them. Rather, embracing them. I'm done being unhappy 24 hrs a day, 7 days a week.....month after month.......year after year. The internal pain is beating me down. I give up. I cant even close my eyes and hope to push the pain down for a few hours during sleep. Its there in my sleep. There is no escape but one. This is not a plea for help. I'll either get past these thoughts or I wont. What I need is for some to understand. Not give the fake reply about not taking my life, how others will be hurt.....blah blah. I'm alone and the only one feeling this way and with the courage to acknowledge the realness of my pain. Flowery words, spiritual fluff are not helpful. If god were real and as powerful as so many claim we would be here on this web site. So spare me the fake concern. The fact is I'm coming to a point of peace and resolution. And it feels good--finally.
This is my final post.....either way. Hope you all find the answer for you.
Save me a seat on the Greyhound to the graveyard!
Obviously you retain at least some sense of value in your own existence by proffering your perspective here, online. Folk with genuine apathy are not inclined to project—for any reason, be it severe lack of self (i.e. a disgusting dependence upon others for personal guidance and acceptance) or some idle attempt at self-expression while subverting strain on the throat, wallet, or wrist.
But the only fact which accords every physical thing any value is that it is of transient existence: That life will end is what makes living worth it.
We’re all going to die. I at least intend to deserve it. I doubt you do—yet.
YOU DON'T MATTER (nothing does). The ultimate truism. It’s the one thing that gets me through the day.
At least wait until after this year's presidential election. Vote, then veto viva.
Obviously you retain at least some sense of value in your own existence by proffering your perspective here, online. Folk with genuine apathy are not inclined to project—for any reason, be it severe lack of self (i.e. a disgusting dependence upon others for personal guidance and acceptance) or some idle attempt at self-expression while subverting strain on the throat, wallet, or wrist.
But the only fact which accords every physical thing any value is that it is of transient existence: That life will end is what makes living worth it.
We’re all going to die. I at least intend to deserve it. I doubt you do—yet.
YOU DON'T MATTER (nothing does). The ultimate truism. It’s the one thing that gets me through the day.
At least wait until after this year's presidential election. Vote, then veto viva.
Hey Creston, my name is Tiffany and I am 25 years old. I know what you are going through. when you have thoughts of suicied or that you are worthless just know that they are not your thought and that you don't own them. The devil has put them there. he plants a seed in hope that it will grow. We have to rebuke him. When we say "I rebuke you satan in the name of jesus" he has no choice but to flee. when I experience negitive thoughts I pray this and I am filled with joy.
Also, I just want you to know that it is ok to be weak. The bible says “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. 2 Corinthians 12:9 Here are some other helpful verses that I found just for you.
- "Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest." Matthew 11:28
- "Casting all your anxieties on him, because he cares for you." 1 Peter 5:7
-"Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make straight your paths."Proverbs 3:5-6
-" The Lord is a stronghold for the oppressed, a stronghold in times of trouble." Psalm 9:9
-"Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things." Philippians 4:8
I know you prolly didn't want verses thrown at you but you and everyone else who is living with depression and crazy thoughts....etc you all need to know that the only thing that will save you is having a personal relationship with Jesus. Those negative thought are the devil not you, he doesn't want you to be happy he want to steal, kill, and destroy. The bible is full of good things not bad, God dosen't cause bad thing to happen to you, satan does. Don't blame God, fight the devil.
Closing thought; you can not do this (live life) on your own, you NEED Jesus and without him you will fail, because we are weak and that's ok. Who want's to have to carry all these burdons when you can just give them to Jesus.
Psalms 55:22 says "Turn your burdens over to the LORD, and he will take care of you. He will never let the righteous person stumble."
Also, I just want you to know that it is ok to be weak. The bible says “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. 2 Corinthians 12:9 Here are some other helpful verses that I found just for you.
- "Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest." Matthew 11:28
- "Casting all your anxieties on him, because he cares for you." 1 Peter 5:7
-"Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make straight your paths."Proverbs 3:5-6
-" The Lord is a stronghold for the oppressed, a stronghold in times of trouble." Psalm 9:9
-"Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things." Philippians 4:8
I know you prolly didn't want verses thrown at you but you and everyone else who is living with depression and crazy thoughts....etc you all need to know that the only thing that will save you is having a personal relationship with Jesus. Those negative thought are the devil not you, he doesn't want you to be happy he want to steal, kill, and destroy. The bible is full of good things not bad, God dosen't cause bad thing to happen to you, satan does. Don't blame God, fight the devil.
Closing thought; you can not do this (live life) on your own, you NEED Jesus and without him you will fail, because we are weak and that's ok. Who want's to have to carry all these burdons when you can just give them to Jesus.
Psalms 55:22 says "Turn your burdens over to the LORD, and he will take care of you. He will never let the righteous person stumble."
Hi Creston, My name is Rachel. I also can share in your pain and anxieties from my past. I felt life was hopeless and pointless. I also have a child. But I found a break.. not sure what sparked it other then realizing that life is what I made it. I have full control over my life and what choices I make. If I hate something in life, it is time to make a change no matter how uncomfortable. I choose my own attitude and how it affects me. I woke up one day and decided to challenge myself by trying really REALLY hard to just think positive ALL day no matter what bad things happen. I believe that as a coping mechanism, my brain is programed to go straight to a negative thought no matter what situation because of what I've been through. It always ends up badly so why bother. I think this is what's happening in your case. I feel that God wants you to know that what you have been through in life was HARD and not NORMAL. You have been through something that IS unique in its own way. Don't demean what happened to you by putting it on the same level as everyone else. They have not gone through the exact same thing BUT you are NOT alone in the hurt and pain/ reprocussions. Take control of your past by not allowing it to control you. Today is a new day, you are living right now. Your life IS important! You don't feel that way but YOU ARE NEEDED, YOU ARE WANTED. Your life RIGHT NOW is worthwhile. Your children should mean everything to you! Because you would have wanted that when you were a child from your parents. Don't repeat time! Make a better childhood for your kids. They're life expectancy depends on YOU. So I am challenging you now, write something down somewhere that only you will see everyday when you wake telling you that You are important and you have control over your own feelings, emotion, and attitude. Think positive thoughts the entire day no matter how hard your brain tells you otherwise. Only listen to music that is Positive, don't listen to anything that makes you feel unhappy. I know it sounds korny but take time every day to tell yourself that you are important and in control. Love yourself for once because you are loved and DESERVE to be loved. Life is only what you make it because YOU make your own choices about how you feel..
I am new here tonight and I was reading over some things in this messageboard. I'm not usually one for opening up to people whether I know them or not. I've tried before but most times, no one really cares, except God. I feel for the people on this board and it's very kind of you all to support one another like you do. I have been fighting depression nearly ALL of my 41 years and although I DO have faith in God, I also understand that it's an uphill struggle at times to beat this thing called "depression." I'd like to come here sometimes when I'm feeling particularly down and out. Would you all be willing to let me do so? Thank you and God bless!
I know what you mean! I have tried every antidepressant and therapy under the sun to no avail. I don't however, feel the same way you doabout the mental health "industry". It has helped alot of people. It's a bummer that we happen to be the ones who "fall through the cracks". I am still trying to beat this, and will never give up.
Honestly, we aren't to blame for our depression... only who we become. Depression swallows us when we least expect it and we are confused by it and try to understand it until we become numb and no longer have the strength or will to try and find a reason.
I think a lot of it could be trapped memories that refuse to come into focus and the pain keeps us down without giving us a reason.
Does your mind race when you close your eyes at night and try to sleep. You want to sleep and are sleepy but your mind will not stop? I have this problem at the moment and exhaustion will finally take me to the sleep I crave. I have been fighting depression all of my life that I can remember and I wanted to die since I was 6 for reasons I wont bore you or the readers with. I can tell you this... if you allow happiness into your life, it will find its way there.
I wonder too if maybe your wife is suffering depression as well? Maybe she is not in denial,, maybe she is as confused as you yourself. We all do not show our true feelings the same and though it may seem like you are alone, in reality there are people around you everyday that are suffering from depression and many have not been treated. Don't feel alone, you aren't. You just have to find a reason that you want to be here, something to make you want to live and want to better yourself for. My pick would be the children and spouse but I am not you and have no idea what you would pick.
My choice when I was a child was my father (though he had passed away) I had a strong sense of right and wrong and the fear of never seeing him again gave me that reason to live.
Good luck to you Creston, I really hope you find the thing in life that makes you want to live again.
I think a lot of it could be trapped memories that refuse to come into focus and the pain keeps us down without giving us a reason.
Does your mind race when you close your eyes at night and try to sleep. You want to sleep and are sleepy but your mind will not stop? I have this problem at the moment and exhaustion will finally take me to the sleep I crave. I have been fighting depression all of my life that I can remember and I wanted to die since I was 6 for reasons I wont bore you or the readers with. I can tell you this... if you allow happiness into your life, it will find its way there.
I wonder too if maybe your wife is suffering depression as well? Maybe she is not in denial,, maybe she is as confused as you yourself. We all do not show our true feelings the same and though it may seem like you are alone, in reality there are people around you everyday that are suffering from depression and many have not been treated. Don't feel alone, you aren't. You just have to find a reason that you want to be here, something to make you want to live and want to better yourself for. My pick would be the children and spouse but I am not you and have no idea what you would pick.
My choice when I was a child was my father (though he had passed away) I had a strong sense of right and wrong and the fear of never seeing him again gave me that reason to live.
Good luck to you Creston, I really hope you find the thing in life that makes you want to live again.
I have the feelings of despair, struggle, emotion flowing down through my soul. I can't escape it, it is there wanting me to notice, wanting me to observe, wanting me to call for help, wanting me to respond in any way. People all around me notice me, because i am an attractive humanbieng. I cant feel normal, i dont want to feel normal. Something in me just cant change, even if i want it to. Maybe it's not me, maybe i'ts meant to be this way. sad days go by. starting day at noon, when everybody's gone. lookin at the monitor of the computer or the TV screen. getting news, probably more depressing then ever. eating same things, talking the same thing's, repeating habitat. feeling awkward during conversation, feeling boring when you start talking, claustrophobic around people.I fell i need to get away, just escape or kill everyone. wonder what it would be like if there was no one in earth but me.
no one to talk to, no nervousness, all the things in the world is for only one and its for me.
I can do whatever i want without anyone looking or telling me that i am weird.
I have seen people's eyes full of disgust and sympathy at the same time while they are looking at me, they want to help but they cant. Traveling with family but also discovering some rude people who can ruin and change your life and destiny forever. We are simply made for each other, everyone of us are so connected that it is simply crazy. Looking at god and bible makes me more depressed knowing that some people are actually damned before they are even born kills me inside. I thought about philosophy of life and getting books or just having a hobby. I love art but hate painting. i might try taking photos. changing lifestyle, maybe having few close friends, but it will take time. I still need some explanation from god or Buddha or whatever that is that is in control.
I know this things had to happen but in the end what's the point? all it do was to made me angry, suffer people and think incredibly selfish sick minded thought's.
Death is another thing, i don't want to feel nothing when i die. even if it's life after death, i don't want to take cowards way out. Heaven/hell can wait. I still think i have many things to feel before i die. heck i have to try to visit some places and experience sex or childbirth. i need to feel those joys that only LIFE has to offer.
no one to talk to, no nervousness, all the things in the world is for only one and its for me.
I can do whatever i want without anyone looking or telling me that i am weird.
I have seen people's eyes full of disgust and sympathy at the same time while they are looking at me, they want to help but they cant. Traveling with family but also discovering some rude people who can ruin and change your life and destiny forever. We are simply made for each other, everyone of us are so connected that it is simply crazy. Looking at god and bible makes me more depressed knowing that some people are actually damned before they are even born kills me inside. I thought about philosophy of life and getting books or just having a hobby. I love art but hate painting. i might try taking photos. changing lifestyle, maybe having few close friends, but it will take time. I still need some explanation from god or Buddha or whatever that is that is in control.
I know this things had to happen but in the end what's the point? all it do was to made me angry, suffer people and think incredibly selfish sick minded thought's.
Death is another thing, i don't want to feel nothing when i die. even if it's life after death, i don't want to take cowards way out. Heaven/hell can wait. I still think i have many things to feel before i die. heck i have to try to visit some places and experience sex or childbirth. i need to feel those joys that only LIFE has to offer.
"I do believe, for me, that I am not "depressed" in a clinical sense.". Until you accept that you DO have depression, even clinical depression, you will never get the help you need.
"Asking for help, to me, show weakness. We all live in a Me world, get mine, keep mine, suck it up. Its just the way it is." This cant be any further from the truth. Asking for help doesn't show weakness. It shows the exact opposite. It shows strength. Everyone deserves help, just as it is an obligation to not always think about your self ONLY, but to help others. This is the circle of life. We do NOT live in a ME world. A least we all don't. There is a difference between being selfish all the time, and helping yourself by letting others help you. Until you realize that, again, you will not feel better or be able to move on.
" In my personal life here, no one sees or knows a thing. I had a psychiatrist tell me I couldnt be that depressed because I function so well. Why is it those who cant get out of bed and hold a job are considered so worse off. It is just as anguishing, sometimes more, to be so depressed, but when you MUST function.". You say no one see or knows a thing, yet you say how bad you feel because you aren't understood or cared for. You say you don't think you are depressed, just the unability to cope, then say its just as anguishing to be so depressed but you must function and get upset because there are people who are considered worse off then you BECAUSE they CANT do the things you do... but you WONT tell the truth of how you feel to the people in your life. Very confusing! Also, its not the fact that people who aren't able to get out of bed and go through their day are considered worse, but the fact that they are so depressed that they don't see the importance of getting out of bed and pushing yourself through the day, That the depression has basically depressed their mind and body so much, that they don't realize or care about the importance of those things that makes them "worse". I have been in that spot and have been hospitalized quite a few times because I got to that place. Getting to that place isn't being selfish because you are thinking about only yourself, but its being in dire need because you don't recognize the importance of of yourself and others and the importance of of getting out of bed and pushing through your day.
You know you are worthy of help, or else you wouldn't be so upset when you can't get the help when you need it. Make sense? I believe you just feel you have to put on a front that you don't deserve help, so people don't think you're selfish. If someone gives you a number to call to talk to your psychiatrist, take that number and call them. If the secretary is giving you the number, then the psychiatrist has given them permission to do that, and the psychiatrist is expecting to have those calls.
Someone said, you have to stop being so hard on yourself. BUT, also, you are being hard on everyone else... the whole world to be exact. You make things out to be SO black and white, that you cant see the gray in between. NOT ALL counselors or therapist are out for themselves. They go through the training to listen to you, to give ideas, to help you. Give them a chance. You might not find the right one right away, but they are out there, and more then you think. Not everyone in the world thinks about "ME, ME, ME". And it is hurtful to think that. Hurtful to yourself and hurtful to others who have reached out to yourself, because you are basically saying they are being fake in their concern for you.
As for the psychiatrist not remembering you... you have to realize that they have SO many patient every day that they are trying to help. To expect them to not have to look in the folder to see what ye talked about the last time, and any changes they made, is to expect the impossible. If they were trying to figure out who you are, they wouldn't have to open the folder. Your name would be on the front of it. I don't NOT believe that if you were seeing different people every half hour (about 10 appointments a day or more, plus emergencies that psychiatrist deal with, and patients in hospital they have to visit) that you would remember everything you need to know about them. Be realistic. Stop being so selfish that you think the world is against you and that the whole world is the same. You WONT find the help you need if you don't give them a chance or look for the help you need if one doesn't work. Thats like saying you should marry the first person you have a relationship with. Thats simply unrealistic and selfish to believe that the world is going to drop in your lap, that you don't have to do some work for yourself, that the whole world only cares about themselves. I have a wonderful family doctor (OB/GYN also) who I use to think didn't remember things about me. That he wouldn't realize that I hadn't been there in ages if I didn't show up for an appointment. But my god, he realized when I hadn't been there in awhile, and had his secretary call me and see how I was doing and to make sure I made an appointment to come in. Another few times, he had stated that he was thinking about me in between appointments and was anxious to see how I was doing. I was so wrong about him, and now realize that he is the best person that could have come into my life. I last seen a psychiatrist at the end of august. At that time, my regular psychiatrist decided to move away to a larger city for family reasons, and I had realized that my meds were working fine, and I didn't really need to sign up with one of the other psychiatrist, who I had known for earlier hospital admissions before my final psychiatrist and I knew I didn't like them. I realized that I'm at a place where I don't need my psychiatrist at the moment. So my family doctor agreed to deal with any medications changes I might need (which we are dealing with right now... cutting back on them to see if I can come off any of them. So far so good.). I also see a counselor usually once a month. Sometimes I don't feel like she helps me, sometimes I do. If after I get to an appointment I feel I don't have anything to say, i'll either leave early or cancel before the appointment. This is a community counselor and I was refered there by my psychiatrist and family doctor. So, im doing ok now. If it comes to a point where I am going downhill again, whether I realize it or not, my family doctor told me I will have to see one of the other psychiatrist, and I agreed with that, especially if I end up in the hospital on the psychiatric ward again.
I've also given up on meds at a few points, and never realized how much they helped me until I started back on them after a huge drop into a deep dark hole when I stopped taking them. I posted a few posts like yours. Not quite as in depth as yours, but I posted. And I had a similar post to me as im writing to you. I look back on my post and see how desperate I was for assurance that it was ok for me to end my life. How self absorbed I was and how irrational I was thinking no one cared. Wow, how things have changed. Don't get me wrong, I still struggle daily with this, and I am in no way cured or better, but they aren't as bad as they use to be. Not saying I wont end up back there. I am currently dealing with my ex boyfriend who has been bothering me and even pushed his way into my apartment last week and hit me a few times. I'm having medical issues because of my eating disorder... but i'm still alive. Thats a miracle!
I HAVE been where you are or when when you wrote this post. I was angry, believing I couldn't be helped, angry at what doctors were telling me (ie. high iq, high functioning, should be able to get out of this mess, and so on. BUT I spoke up for myself and told them exactally how I was feeling, no matter what it was I was thinking or or feeling.
I certainly hope you are doing better and got the help you needed, I HAD to reply!
"Asking for help, to me, show weakness. We all live in a Me world, get mine, keep mine, suck it up. Its just the way it is." This cant be any further from the truth. Asking for help doesn't show weakness. It shows the exact opposite. It shows strength. Everyone deserves help, just as it is an obligation to not always think about your self ONLY, but to help others. This is the circle of life. We do NOT live in a ME world. A least we all don't. There is a difference between being selfish all the time, and helping yourself by letting others help you. Until you realize that, again, you will not feel better or be able to move on.
" In my personal life here, no one sees or knows a thing. I had a psychiatrist tell me I couldnt be that depressed because I function so well. Why is it those who cant get out of bed and hold a job are considered so worse off. It is just as anguishing, sometimes more, to be so depressed, but when you MUST function.". You say no one see or knows a thing, yet you say how bad you feel because you aren't understood or cared for. You say you don't think you are depressed, just the unability to cope, then say its just as anguishing to be so depressed but you must function and get upset because there are people who are considered worse off then you BECAUSE they CANT do the things you do... but you WONT tell the truth of how you feel to the people in your life. Very confusing! Also, its not the fact that people who aren't able to get out of bed and go through their day are considered worse, but the fact that they are so depressed that they don't see the importance of getting out of bed and pushing yourself through the day, That the depression has basically depressed their mind and body so much, that they don't realize or care about the importance of those things that makes them "worse". I have been in that spot and have been hospitalized quite a few times because I got to that place. Getting to that place isn't being selfish because you are thinking about only yourself, but its being in dire need because you don't recognize the importance of of yourself and others and the importance of of getting out of bed and pushing through your day.
You know you are worthy of help, or else you wouldn't be so upset when you can't get the help when you need it. Make sense? I believe you just feel you have to put on a front that you don't deserve help, so people don't think you're selfish. If someone gives you a number to call to talk to your psychiatrist, take that number and call them. If the secretary is giving you the number, then the psychiatrist has given them permission to do that, and the psychiatrist is expecting to have those calls.
Someone said, you have to stop being so hard on yourself. BUT, also, you are being hard on everyone else... the whole world to be exact. You make things out to be SO black and white, that you cant see the gray in between. NOT ALL counselors or therapist are out for themselves. They go through the training to listen to you, to give ideas, to help you. Give them a chance. You might not find the right one right away, but they are out there, and more then you think. Not everyone in the world thinks about "ME, ME, ME". And it is hurtful to think that. Hurtful to yourself and hurtful to others who have reached out to yourself, because you are basically saying they are being fake in their concern for you.
As for the psychiatrist not remembering you... you have to realize that they have SO many patient every day that they are trying to help. To expect them to not have to look in the folder to see what ye talked about the last time, and any changes they made, is to expect the impossible. If they were trying to figure out who you are, they wouldn't have to open the folder. Your name would be on the front of it. I don't NOT believe that if you were seeing different people every half hour (about 10 appointments a day or more, plus emergencies that psychiatrist deal with, and patients in hospital they have to visit) that you would remember everything you need to know about them. Be realistic. Stop being so selfish that you think the world is against you and that the whole world is the same. You WONT find the help you need if you don't give them a chance or look for the help you need if one doesn't work. Thats like saying you should marry the first person you have a relationship with. Thats simply unrealistic and selfish to believe that the world is going to drop in your lap, that you don't have to do some work for yourself, that the whole world only cares about themselves. I have a wonderful family doctor (OB/GYN also) who I use to think didn't remember things about me. That he wouldn't realize that I hadn't been there in ages if I didn't show up for an appointment. But my god, he realized when I hadn't been there in awhile, and had his secretary call me and see how I was doing and to make sure I made an appointment to come in. Another few times, he had stated that he was thinking about me in between appointments and was anxious to see how I was doing. I was so wrong about him, and now realize that he is the best person that could have come into my life. I last seen a psychiatrist at the end of august. At that time, my regular psychiatrist decided to move away to a larger city for family reasons, and I had realized that my meds were working fine, and I didn't really need to sign up with one of the other psychiatrist, who I had known for earlier hospital admissions before my final psychiatrist and I knew I didn't like them. I realized that I'm at a place where I don't need my psychiatrist at the moment. So my family doctor agreed to deal with any medications changes I might need (which we are dealing with right now... cutting back on them to see if I can come off any of them. So far so good.). I also see a counselor usually once a month. Sometimes I don't feel like she helps me, sometimes I do. If after I get to an appointment I feel I don't have anything to say, i'll either leave early or cancel before the appointment. This is a community counselor and I was refered there by my psychiatrist and family doctor. So, im doing ok now. If it comes to a point where I am going downhill again, whether I realize it or not, my family doctor told me I will have to see one of the other psychiatrist, and I agreed with that, especially if I end up in the hospital on the psychiatric ward again.
I've also given up on meds at a few points, and never realized how much they helped me until I started back on them after a huge drop into a deep dark hole when I stopped taking them. I posted a few posts like yours. Not quite as in depth as yours, but I posted. And I had a similar post to me as im writing to you. I look back on my post and see how desperate I was for assurance that it was ok for me to end my life. How self absorbed I was and how irrational I was thinking no one cared. Wow, how things have changed. Don't get me wrong, I still struggle daily with this, and I am in no way cured or better, but they aren't as bad as they use to be. Not saying I wont end up back there. I am currently dealing with my ex boyfriend who has been bothering me and even pushed his way into my apartment last week and hit me a few times. I'm having medical issues because of my eating disorder... but i'm still alive. Thats a miracle!
I HAVE been where you are or when when you wrote this post. I was angry, believing I couldn't be helped, angry at what doctors were telling me (ie. high iq, high functioning, should be able to get out of this mess, and so on. BUT I spoke up for myself and told them exactally how I was feeling, no matter what it was I was thinking or or feeling.
I certainly hope you are doing better and got the help you needed, I HAD to reply!
I am totally shocked by your post, but at the same time I'm not. I think you need a little reality brought into your life. In so many of your posts, you are insulting and dismissing so many issues that other people are dealing with. Depression IS a real thing. Its not ONLY caused by chemicals, but by life experiences. You want an example? I've lost children, Ive been severely abused off and on (mostly on) since I was six years old by a family friend, boyfriends, and even my mother. We had child services in our house constantly when me and my sister were kids. Ive tried to commit suicide quite a few times when I got to points where I didn't realize WHAT I was doing or the impact it would have on people. In between attempts, I did realize that, but while your going down that depressive slope, you don't realize it. I have also been diagnosed with borderline personality disorder. I self injure by cutting, burning, bulimia with anorexic traits. Ive also been diagnosed with PTSD, Severe depression, conversion disorder, anxiety, complicated grief and several less severe psychiatric disorders. Have you ever read up on what personality disorders are? You never stated WHAT personality disorder you have, which is quite strange if you've been diagnosed with a personality disorder (there are quite a few different types). To say that personality disorders are untreatable, is NOT true. Just the same way cancer is treated, or diabetes or heart disease, can come out of remission, the same thing is true with personality disorders and depression. They CAN be treated. They may not be able to be cured, but they can be treated and managed. There are a lot of diseases that can not be explained, but just because they cant be explained, doesn't mean they aren't real. YOUR life experiences, from what I have read, IS an explanation of why you feel depressed.
Reading through your posts I see the need you have to be the victim and seek approval. THIS IS part of having some personality disorders. You believe that "misssleepy" attacked you? But aside from a very poor judgment in choosing a "TO" name of Mr **** Off? (sorry I don't get that either) this person, in no way attacked you in their post. You are a very straight forward person, but the second someone is straight forward with you, you take is as an attack. Also, another "symptom" of some personality disorders.You contradict yourself so much in your posts, I understand why you are confused. You say people, such as your inlaws and your wife and family, who you seek help, understanding and support from, have dismissed you and avoid you, but at the same time, you say YOURSELF, that you cant be helped. If you don't accept help and support you have to realize most of these people will feel helpless and not KNOW how to help you. Do you realize what a contradiction this is? If you believe you cant be helped then your sessions of going to a therapist? psychiatrist? psychologist? counselor? are pointless. You didn't say what type of counseling you are/were getting , but if you feel all you deal with is medication changes, then it must be a psychiatrist, and they aren't there to deeply counsel you, but are there to deal with the medical side of psychiatric disorders. There ARE community services that can help you out in counseling. You don't have to see just one person. There are different counselors for grief, depression, marriage issues... whatever you may have. There are community groups out there that are there to listen and help and share their stories and tell what has worked for them and hasn't. It not only helps you, but YOU will be helping others by being there, telling your stories and so on. You say the medications aren't working, not because of side affects, but because of the fact that you need to take them to feel? Once again, you are NOT accepting help. If you settle with the fact that they aren't there to make you feel better and brush away the shame of taking medications, you might feel a little better. It is VERY wrong when you say psychiatrist wont treat personality disorders. I am being treated. I've been/am on several different kinds of medications. I've gone through trying a lot of different kinds of meds tryinf to find the ones that WILL help me. It takes time. It takes patience, but most of all, it takes you accepting that you need help. You say your job is too much. That you have to deal with everyone else's problems and it makes you feel worse. But that if you get help you will be fired? Also that you only have limited help/counseling that doesnt work. Once again, I am confused a little. If you can't handle your job, why not find a new one, or retire like someone said you were thinking about. One that will LET you get the help you need. If its because the money is so good at your current job that you cant leave, then you should be able to afford better counseling then what your insurance is providing you. Otherwise, you should find a new one. What kind of job would fire you because you are seeking help to be better in your life and job? It just doesn't make sense!
You say your marriage is on the rocks and if it wasn't for the children, then you would be gone. Don't you think it would be better for your kids to see you happier, then to see you in a loveless marriage that makes you unhappy? "I'm done being unhappy 24 hrs a day, 7 days a week.....month after month.......year after year". If you don't deal with the issues that are making you unhappy like being in a loveless marriage, being at a job that makes you feel worse and WONT let you get the help you need, how can you expect to be happy? There are a lot of things that I agree with you on. God... I dont know if I believe in god. So many things have happened in my life that I find it hard to believe there is a god who would let all those things happen to someone so young who cant hep themselves. "So spare me the fake concern."? You don't want people to show you concern? Then one... why did you post on here. And two... if anyone is bluntly honest with you and not coddling you and not begging you to not hurt yourself and saying how much it would hurt others if you did, or not showing deep concern, you are deeply hurt. You need to dig deep and figure out what it is you REALLY want. Write it down, so you can look at it and not find yourself in a contradiction and misunderstandings and help you get the help you need or DON'T want. Don't use your children as reasons for you not to kill yourself or not get out of a bad marriage. That's putting an awful lot of responsibility on them, and your taking the chance of them finding out that you stayed in a bad marriage because of them and may feel you have resentment for them because of that. But most of all, you need to take responsibility for your own happiness and your own strength NOT to go through with killing yourself, because until you have respect for yourself and for your own strength and stop using other people to determine your own happiness, you will never figure out what it is you need to survive. Live for yourself first, then others second. Someone said "you don't have a choice", but you do have a choice, but it is your responsibility to make the RIGHT decisions for YOURSELF first, and everyone else second. But first you need to open your eyes to the fact that you need help and are worth being helped and being loved.
Continue Below...
Reading through your posts I see the need you have to be the victim and seek approval. THIS IS part of having some personality disorders. You believe that "misssleepy" attacked you? But aside from a very poor judgment in choosing a "TO" name of Mr **** Off? (sorry I don't get that either) this person, in no way attacked you in their post. You are a very straight forward person, but the second someone is straight forward with you, you take is as an attack. Also, another "symptom" of some personality disorders.You contradict yourself so much in your posts, I understand why you are confused. You say people, such as your inlaws and your wife and family, who you seek help, understanding and support from, have dismissed you and avoid you, but at the same time, you say YOURSELF, that you cant be helped. If you don't accept help and support you have to realize most of these people will feel helpless and not KNOW how to help you. Do you realize what a contradiction this is? If you believe you cant be helped then your sessions of going to a therapist? psychiatrist? psychologist? counselor? are pointless. You didn't say what type of counseling you are/were getting , but if you feel all you deal with is medication changes, then it must be a psychiatrist, and they aren't there to deeply counsel you, but are there to deal with the medical side of psychiatric disorders. There ARE community services that can help you out in counseling. You don't have to see just one person. There are different counselors for grief, depression, marriage issues... whatever you may have. There are community groups out there that are there to listen and help and share their stories and tell what has worked for them and hasn't. It not only helps you, but YOU will be helping others by being there, telling your stories and so on. You say the medications aren't working, not because of side affects, but because of the fact that you need to take them to feel? Once again, you are NOT accepting help. If you settle with the fact that they aren't there to make you feel better and brush away the shame of taking medications, you might feel a little better. It is VERY wrong when you say psychiatrist wont treat personality disorders. I am being treated. I've been/am on several different kinds of medications. I've gone through trying a lot of different kinds of meds tryinf to find the ones that WILL help me. It takes time. It takes patience, but most of all, it takes you accepting that you need help. You say your job is too much. That you have to deal with everyone else's problems and it makes you feel worse. But that if you get help you will be fired? Also that you only have limited help/counseling that doesnt work. Once again, I am confused a little. If you can't handle your job, why not find a new one, or retire like someone said you were thinking about. One that will LET you get the help you need. If its because the money is so good at your current job that you cant leave, then you should be able to afford better counseling then what your insurance is providing you. Otherwise, you should find a new one. What kind of job would fire you because you are seeking help to be better in your life and job? It just doesn't make sense!
You say your marriage is on the rocks and if it wasn't for the children, then you would be gone. Don't you think it would be better for your kids to see you happier, then to see you in a loveless marriage that makes you unhappy? "I'm done being unhappy 24 hrs a day, 7 days a week.....month after month.......year after year". If you don't deal with the issues that are making you unhappy like being in a loveless marriage, being at a job that makes you feel worse and WONT let you get the help you need, how can you expect to be happy? There are a lot of things that I agree with you on. God... I dont know if I believe in god. So many things have happened in my life that I find it hard to believe there is a god who would let all those things happen to someone so young who cant hep themselves. "So spare me the fake concern."? You don't want people to show you concern? Then one... why did you post on here. And two... if anyone is bluntly honest with you and not coddling you and not begging you to not hurt yourself and saying how much it would hurt others if you did, or not showing deep concern, you are deeply hurt. You need to dig deep and figure out what it is you REALLY want. Write it down, so you can look at it and not find yourself in a contradiction and misunderstandings and help you get the help you need or DON'T want. Don't use your children as reasons for you not to kill yourself or not get out of a bad marriage. That's putting an awful lot of responsibility on them, and your taking the chance of them finding out that you stayed in a bad marriage because of them and may feel you have resentment for them because of that. But most of all, you need to take responsibility for your own happiness and your own strength NOT to go through with killing yourself, because until you have respect for yourself and for your own strength and stop using other people to determine your own happiness, you will never figure out what it is you need to survive. Live for yourself first, then others second. Someone said "you don't have a choice", but you do have a choice, but it is your responsibility to make the RIGHT decisions for YOURSELF first, and everyone else second. But first you need to open your eyes to the fact that you need help and are worth being helped and being loved.
Continue Below...
Creston,
I dont know you and there are already volumes of good on here . You and i are about the same age and in the same place. A couple weeks ago my dad asked why i was like i was ( depressed) and why i was crying all the time etc.. during the convo i let slip I was scared it would hurt when i shot myself. you know what he did ..quoted a statstic about how many people wonder that..so i feel you when speak of your fellings etc. I found a book that may do jack **** for you or it may change you life like it did mine. its called become a better you.i wont bore you details on the book or how i found it... judge for yourself.Keep lookin ahead ..feel free to pm me anytime Im here for the long haul ..take care.
I dont know you and there are already volumes of good on here . You and i are about the same age and in the same place. A couple weeks ago my dad asked why i was like i was ( depressed) and why i was crying all the time etc.. during the convo i let slip I was scared it would hurt when i shot myself. you know what he did ..quoted a statstic about how many people wonder that..so i feel you when speak of your fellings etc. I found a book that may do jack **** for you or it may change you life like it did mine. its called become a better you.i wont bore you details on the book or how i found it... judge for yourself.Keep lookin ahead ..feel free to pm me anytime Im here for the long haul ..take care.
Wow!!! The initial post expressed some veri strong feelings. I understand where ur comming from...I come from a long line of mentally depressed family and trust me it is veri real...Some are functioning without meds/therapy but most of us are at least using meds to prevent episodes...however starting and stoping meds is dangerous and could be the reason u aren't feeling results. I remember my mom would say the same things u say...its not real...I don't need the meds...but after 2 or 3 days without the meds I woke up and found her head in the oven with the oven on trying to kill herself...she suffered from depression as well as schizophrenia severely...U are not alone this forum is a good way to self medicate (therapy) also developing some sort or relationship with a higher power coupled with meds, determination, perseverance and patients...ur problems didn't happen over nite and may be part of ur life work but ur mental, spiritual, physical and mental health should be priority in ur life for u and ur kids! U will have good days and bad days but just take it one day at a time and celebrate the good days! I hope to see u on here again...if u ever need to talk I'm here to listen.
Stay in the fight! Rtyler
Stay in the fight! Rtyler
im not going to make this long. I read your initial post and i felt my gut drop. Ive been there. we all have. wanna know what helped me?
its not medicine, its not treatment. its not a home. its not quitting.
i will not say it in this post b/c i want to know that you are there and listening but get back to me and i will tell you what has kept me going.
its not medicine, its not treatment. its not a home. its not quitting.
i will not say it in this post b/c i want to know that you are there and listening but get back to me and i will tell you what has kept me going.
Creston I understand you completely how we want to torture ourselves for ever letting ourselves fall into a deppresion. I too think that to a point we have some control as how we let ourselves get mentally. I don't know if you remember me still but I've never been very religious but my mother is. I've started praying the rosary a little every night for the last month. I don't know if this is coincidence or what but I was put on a new anti-depprecent along with the 100mg Zoloft and I no longer have any bad thoughts, I not questioning the meaning of life, why I'm here. All this after just one dosage of Abilify, 2mg. I guess it's used for people who are bipolar as well. But I guess they're prescribing it to people who have bad thoughts. I've been taking it 4 days now. I can't believe the difference. It's like somebody flipped a light switch. I'm not 100% yet but I'm actually enjoying life, work and my kids again. I don't know if you have tried this medication. I just couldn't believe it's helped me so fast. Usually these things take months or weeks for me to feel any difference. Tell me what you've taken. Maybe we can help one another somehow.
You don't want fluff, well LISTEN good. We're all tired of depression, but you have to do something about it. I'm 46 been depressed all my life, relized what my problem was at 23 so I started reading self help books, you have to relize you have a problem and you may need some meds. But if things are not working change them.
By your profile you want attention or maybe you need to find out who you really are. Get out from under the computer, quit writing pity letters. Get out of the black clothes and brighten up some. Suicide is the weak way out.
Only you have the power to change what is wrong decide your not going to be this way and do something about it. Everything is in your head, be it good or bad, change it.
God is real and he don't come to you, you have to go to him.
Good book is "The Power of Positive Thinking"
Karen
By your profile you want attention or maybe you need to find out who you really are. Get out from under the computer, quit writing pity letters. Get out of the black clothes and brighten up some. Suicide is the weak way out.
Only you have the power to change what is wrong decide your not going to be this way and do something about it. Everything is in your head, be it good or bad, change it.
God is real and he don't come to you, you have to go to him.
Good book is "The Power of Positive Thinking"
Karen
I'm new to this site but I came across your post. The following is one of your comments. "In fact, I have no love at all for me. I could not hate a person more than I hate myself." Talk about hitting the nail on the head with that statement. I so understand that one. I just wish I knew how to change it. I have read a lot of great advice from people who really seem to care. I, unfortunately, don't have any advice that might help. All I can say is that I really admire you, and I'm being utterly sincere. You have gone through so much and yet you still find the strength to keep going. You don't sound selfish at all, quite the opposite actually.
I agree with you 100%. I have been dealing with depression since 1997. My world caved in on me after a divorce and the failure of a second relationship. I take medication, a minimal dose, just to get through the days, especially winter. It's a daily struggle. I think it's because our worlds have fallen apart and it's difficult to rebuild them when you are an adult. The world is unstable and the people we meet do not have the same loyalty and values we do. But I am in the same boat.
I am sorry that you are going through what you are going through. I can't say I've been through what you are going through, but I've seen my mother go through it. I really hope you do get help. Marriage counseling did help my parents out. I wish they had gone through it when I was a kid. They were great to us, but we'd hear them arguing and fighting and never agreeing on things. It was scary. I still have memories of them fighting.
What I really wanted to comment on was on your faith in God. I have been through periods of doubt of my faith. I have had lupus since I was 18, and am now in my mid 30s. I've dealt with horrible joint pain, debilitating fatigue that cripples my ability to do things in life if I don't watch my limits, and I get sick a lot more often because my immune system attacks itself as well as viruses, so my immune system doesn't work as great as other peoples. I went through a period where I was angry at God. I had prayed for years. Why would he not remove this illness? Why did it get worse instead of better? For years I was angry and bitter and my heart was so heavy. I can't say I'm still not angry at times, but the constant anger is gone.
I believe in God. But what got me was other Christians telling me that God heals you if you have faith. That's balony. I knew this one girl who had faith so strong, stronger than most people I've met. She got breast cancer. She went to work every day while going through chemo. The cancer went away for a year. Came back in her bones. She died within the next year. But I watched her at work, her faith strong. I had several conversations with her about her faith because I was concerned about my faith in God. She said that if she died from the cancer, that was God's will, and that there must be a reason for it, and that she would not find out here on earth, but she'd find out in heaven. She had her moments when she was depressed and in pain, obviously, but she also kept her faith. That was one of the things that changed me and has helped me cope with pain and fatigue on a daily basis. I don't blame God for my health anymore. Autoimmune diseases seem to run in families (and there are autoimmune diseases on both sides of my mom and dad), so it's a genetic thing. So I don't blame myself either. There has got to be some reason I have to deal with this, some reason that people get sick, battle depression. And we're not goign to find out here on earth.
I read the bible when I get depressed. Sometimes it helps me. Sometimes not. But there are a lot of people in the bible, God's people, who get the short end of the stick. I think the bible says that God tests us, he gives us trials. Oh, and I like to read the book of Job. God allowed the devil to test Job. So many terrible things happened to Job, and Job was a devout, God loving man, and God still allowed it to happen to him. But there was a reason for it. In the end, Job was able to witness to other people. And these other Jewish people were telling Job that it must have been something he did, some failure on his part or some relative. Nope, it wasn't. it just happened, not because of anything Job did or didn't do. I feel like a big failure a lot of the time, but I know that God will not give us things that we can not handle in some way. I get upset at some Christians, although I know they mean well, when they say things like if you had faith you would not be sick, not be poor, not be depressed. They are just so wrong. Christians go through all these things, just like the rest of the population. To ignore if you are in one of these situations is not a good thing either. We are supposed to pray for ourselves and each other. If you ignore something pretending it doesn't exist so you think you are being a good Christian, well, it's not a good thing. God wants the poor, the hungry, the sick to come to him.
Why would it be an embarrasment to be poor or hungry or sick? I go to a church, which is a small congregation of about 20 families, where the pastor regularly prays every Sunday pretty much for every family. There are several who are going through financial problems and work difficulties. There are many who have health issues, either temporary or ongoing. The pastor has even prayed for some people's emotional health, in the middle of church service! When I first moved here, and was new to the church, I had been in a big mega church, and there it seemed you just prayed for the old people or those in the hospital, not really for everyone. And I was embarrased about my lupus and didn't want people to know, which created stress for me because I had to watch my activity level and people would wonder why I couldn't help out on something or another, because there I was this young woman, why shouldn't I be doing a lot more? So I suffered depression in that church and felt embarrased and shamed. The current church I'm in, it took awhiel for me to observe the true Christian behavior of the parishoners. They prayed for so many things, and not all health problems were healed, but these peopel with health issues were happy. Why? So it took awhile ,but I finally had my name added to the prayer list. Now the whole congregation knows I have lupus and they pray for me. I pray for me. Prayer is not selfish. I pray for others as well. I still deal with pain, sickness, and fatigue on a daily basis and depression because of those issues, but it's not as bad as it was.
Having your spouse be there for you is also important. I think women get caught up in being moms, I'm guilty of it too. But, I heard an excellent speaker at a conference I went to a couple years ago, that there are three orders of importance: God, spouse, children. Often women get them reversed, and they will take care of their children first, maybe then their spouse, and then God. Sometiems they have children then God then spouse. Anyways, I have to consciously think about this all the time. It's hard to remember, and I have to ask my husband to help me, but in order for our children to have a good view of their parents, they need to see us have a loving relationship. Sometimes that means their needs come second not first. The speaker at this conference said she didn't learn that until later, but when she learned it, her kids had some difficulty dealing with it because they were older teenagers. My parents went through marriage counseling after I had gotten married, and even as an adult seeing my parents correct years and years of bad marriage, fighting, and everythign else, it has helped me as an adult. My husband and I address a lot of similar issues. We have been through some counseling, and even if people don't have problems, marriage counseling is never a bad thing. And if you can't afford marriage counseling or afford it because of your career, then there are so many books to help couples work things out.
Well, I will keep you in my prayers. I'm sorry if I'm a little disorganized in my thoughts. Just wanted to share some things.
What I really wanted to comment on was on your faith in God. I have been through periods of doubt of my faith. I have had lupus since I was 18, and am now in my mid 30s. I've dealt with horrible joint pain, debilitating fatigue that cripples my ability to do things in life if I don't watch my limits, and I get sick a lot more often because my immune system attacks itself as well as viruses, so my immune system doesn't work as great as other peoples. I went through a period where I was angry at God. I had prayed for years. Why would he not remove this illness? Why did it get worse instead of better? For years I was angry and bitter and my heart was so heavy. I can't say I'm still not angry at times, but the constant anger is gone.
I believe in God. But what got me was other Christians telling me that God heals you if you have faith. That's balony. I knew this one girl who had faith so strong, stronger than most people I've met. She got breast cancer. She went to work every day while going through chemo. The cancer went away for a year. Came back in her bones. She died within the next year. But I watched her at work, her faith strong. I had several conversations with her about her faith because I was concerned about my faith in God. She said that if she died from the cancer, that was God's will, and that there must be a reason for it, and that she would not find out here on earth, but she'd find out in heaven. She had her moments when she was depressed and in pain, obviously, but she also kept her faith. That was one of the things that changed me and has helped me cope with pain and fatigue on a daily basis. I don't blame God for my health anymore. Autoimmune diseases seem to run in families (and there are autoimmune diseases on both sides of my mom and dad), so it's a genetic thing. So I don't blame myself either. There has got to be some reason I have to deal with this, some reason that people get sick, battle depression. And we're not goign to find out here on earth.
I read the bible when I get depressed. Sometimes it helps me. Sometimes not. But there are a lot of people in the bible, God's people, who get the short end of the stick. I think the bible says that God tests us, he gives us trials. Oh, and I like to read the book of Job. God allowed the devil to test Job. So many terrible things happened to Job, and Job was a devout, God loving man, and God still allowed it to happen to him. But there was a reason for it. In the end, Job was able to witness to other people. And these other Jewish people were telling Job that it must have been something he did, some failure on his part or some relative. Nope, it wasn't. it just happened, not because of anything Job did or didn't do. I feel like a big failure a lot of the time, but I know that God will not give us things that we can not handle in some way. I get upset at some Christians, although I know they mean well, when they say things like if you had faith you would not be sick, not be poor, not be depressed. They are just so wrong. Christians go through all these things, just like the rest of the population. To ignore if you are in one of these situations is not a good thing either. We are supposed to pray for ourselves and each other. If you ignore something pretending it doesn't exist so you think you are being a good Christian, well, it's not a good thing. God wants the poor, the hungry, the sick to come to him.
Why would it be an embarrasment to be poor or hungry or sick? I go to a church, which is a small congregation of about 20 families, where the pastor regularly prays every Sunday pretty much for every family. There are several who are going through financial problems and work difficulties. There are many who have health issues, either temporary or ongoing. The pastor has even prayed for some people's emotional health, in the middle of church service! When I first moved here, and was new to the church, I had been in a big mega church, and there it seemed you just prayed for the old people or those in the hospital, not really for everyone. And I was embarrased about my lupus and didn't want people to know, which created stress for me because I had to watch my activity level and people would wonder why I couldn't help out on something or another, because there I was this young woman, why shouldn't I be doing a lot more? So I suffered depression in that church and felt embarrased and shamed. The current church I'm in, it took awhiel for me to observe the true Christian behavior of the parishoners. They prayed for so many things, and not all health problems were healed, but these peopel with health issues were happy. Why? So it took awhile ,but I finally had my name added to the prayer list. Now the whole congregation knows I have lupus and they pray for me. I pray for me. Prayer is not selfish. I pray for others as well. I still deal with pain, sickness, and fatigue on a daily basis and depression because of those issues, but it's not as bad as it was.
Having your spouse be there for you is also important. I think women get caught up in being moms, I'm guilty of it too. But, I heard an excellent speaker at a conference I went to a couple years ago, that there are three orders of importance: God, spouse, children. Often women get them reversed, and they will take care of their children first, maybe then their spouse, and then God. Sometiems they have children then God then spouse. Anyways, I have to consciously think about this all the time. It's hard to remember, and I have to ask my husband to help me, but in order for our children to have a good view of their parents, they need to see us have a loving relationship. Sometimes that means their needs come second not first. The speaker at this conference said she didn't learn that until later, but when she learned it, her kids had some difficulty dealing with it because they were older teenagers. My parents went through marriage counseling after I had gotten married, and even as an adult seeing my parents correct years and years of bad marriage, fighting, and everythign else, it has helped me as an adult. My husband and I address a lot of similar issues. We have been through some counseling, and even if people don't have problems, marriage counseling is never a bad thing. And if you can't afford marriage counseling or afford it because of your career, then there are so many books to help couples work things out.
Well, I will keep you in my prayers. I'm sorry if I'm a little disorganized in my thoughts. Just wanted to share some things.
BTW...missleepy has a clear personality disorder, probably borderline, and some other issues going on by the post. I wouldn't concern myself with that.
missleepy needs to relax and get some sleep~
missleepy needs to relax and get some sleep~
You sound so very much like me. I agree with the way you think. I take full responsibility for me. I once very much believed in God. I believed he would help me to gain the strength I needed to cope in this hell world. This only made me feel worse because I'm convinced if their was a god he hates me. I feel like damaged goods due to my childhood. I've never been happy or known peace. I never felt "innocent". I was born on old soul. Things have never been easy. They only get harder. I never expected or desired a hand out. I've always worked hard. I've found people to be self centered and cruel. I'm ashamed to be a "people". I don't like them. I don't like me. I also wish very much that I was dead. I look forward to the day. The pain from depression is so dark.
I know the pressure of work. I also, have people who rely on me. people who I am responsible and strong for. I understand your concerns around counseling. I have been late for therapy because of work and traffic. I missed a session once because I was sick. My husbands sister passed away from either a suicide or accidental drug overdose. I asked my therapist to please call me. I was throwing up. Instead she sent me a bill for $150.00. I understand what you're saying about the mental health field. It's unfortunately rare to find the therapist or psychiatrist that is really able to help. They are only human and can only help so much. I've been on A LOT of meds. I'm most grateful for the ones that help me sleep. Without them I'm up for days. I suffer from chronic pain and exhaustion.
My heart is broken too. I'm sorry you're in so much pain. I do understand. I don't have children but I am married. (I've been so deeply depressed for so long that I made a conscious decision when I was a child that i had no intentions of bringing another living creature into this world.) If I took my life it would devastate my husband.
It's so hard being depressed or having a personality disorder. I'm pretty sure I have one. I have great difficulty being around most people. I "act". I'd be fine living away from people. They stress me out.
I wish you the best. Your thoughts aren't unusual to me. I could have wrote the same things you did. It helped me to know others walk this planet feeling the same way I do.
I hope this brings you some comfort. Maybe your time overseas will awaken something positive in your being that you can hold onto. I still hang onto a thread of hope that things will change for me someday. I try to accept that they probably won't. I'm pretty hard wired.
Good luck Creston
PEACE~
I know the pressure of work. I also, have people who rely on me. people who I am responsible and strong for. I understand your concerns around counseling. I have been late for therapy because of work and traffic. I missed a session once because I was sick. My husbands sister passed away from either a suicide or accidental drug overdose. I asked my therapist to please call me. I was throwing up. Instead she sent me a bill for $150.00. I understand what you're saying about the mental health field. It's unfortunately rare to find the therapist or psychiatrist that is really able to help. They are only human and can only help so much. I've been on A LOT of meds. I'm most grateful for the ones that help me sleep. Without them I'm up for days. I suffer from chronic pain and exhaustion.
My heart is broken too. I'm sorry you're in so much pain. I do understand. I don't have children but I am married. (I've been so deeply depressed for so long that I made a conscious decision when I was a child that i had no intentions of bringing another living creature into this world.) If I took my life it would devastate my husband.
It's so hard being depressed or having a personality disorder. I'm pretty sure I have one. I have great difficulty being around most people. I "act". I'd be fine living away from people. They stress me out.
I wish you the best. Your thoughts aren't unusual to me. I could have wrote the same things you did. It helped me to know others walk this planet feeling the same way I do.
I hope this brings you some comfort. Maybe your time overseas will awaken something positive in your being that you can hold onto. I still hang onto a thread of hope that things will change for me someday. I try to accept that they probably won't. I'm pretty hard wired.
Good luck Creston
PEACE~
Creston, you had a lot of caring people here respond to you. Don't take the one negative response and let that discount all the postive responses. I don't know what that problem is with that person but I don't think it has anything to do with you. I think it has to do more with them.
Creston, sometimes you have to find the good in life. It's not all bad. Yes, there's some bad apples out there but I for one believe there are a lot of good people doing good things. They just don't seem to make the news as much as all the bad stuff, which is a shame. You said something about journaling and I think that's a good idea. But let's go one step further. How about keeping a gratitude journal? I had that suggested to me and I thought it was a wonderful idea. I can tend to be negative if I'm not careful. But when I have to think of say three things good that happened to me today it changes my perspective. I will notice things more. Sometimes we miss it. Maybe it was the person who smiled at you in the store and wished you a good day. Maybe it was a friend who helped you out when you needed it. Sometimes we do have to look for it but it's there. It can be something small but meaningful.
Creston, you've got to stop being so hard on yourself. You have a habit of beating yourself up, don't you? Let it go. Nobody here is judging you. We are all here for you. You are not spreading poison. You are sharing your thoughts and feelings right now. We all need to do that from time to time. Do you have a friend you could confide in? That could be even better than a therapist, someone who you could trust to keep anything you say to themselves. It's good to have a friend like that. Just be careful who you do confide in. Make sure they are an honorable person with your best interest at heart.
I agree with the above poster. You should find a different psychiatrist. I don't know if he just has too big of a caseload that he doesn't remember his patients but all the more reason to find someone new.
I do agree with something you said. You are responsible for your own health and happiness. You need to get to the point where you can let go of your past and move forward. Keep searching. Don't give up. If you are truly seeking with all your heart you will find what you are searching for. Have hope. Big *Hug* to you!
April
Creston, sometimes you have to find the good in life. It's not all bad. Yes, there's some bad apples out there but I for one believe there are a lot of good people doing good things. They just don't seem to make the news as much as all the bad stuff, which is a shame. You said something about journaling and I think that's a good idea. But let's go one step further. How about keeping a gratitude journal? I had that suggested to me and I thought it was a wonderful idea. I can tend to be negative if I'm not careful. But when I have to think of say three things good that happened to me today it changes my perspective. I will notice things more. Sometimes we miss it. Maybe it was the person who smiled at you in the store and wished you a good day. Maybe it was a friend who helped you out when you needed it. Sometimes we do have to look for it but it's there. It can be something small but meaningful.
Creston, you've got to stop being so hard on yourself. You have a habit of beating yourself up, don't you? Let it go. Nobody here is judging you. We are all here for you. You are not spreading poison. You are sharing your thoughts and feelings right now. We all need to do that from time to time. Do you have a friend you could confide in? That could be even better than a therapist, someone who you could trust to keep anything you say to themselves. It's good to have a friend like that. Just be careful who you do confide in. Make sure they are an honorable person with your best interest at heart.
I agree with the above poster. You should find a different psychiatrist. I don't know if he just has too big of a caseload that he doesn't remember his patients but all the more reason to find someone new.
I do agree with something you said. You are responsible for your own health and happiness. You need to get to the point where you can let go of your past and move forward. Keep searching. Don't give up. If you are truly seeking with all your heart you will find what you are searching for. Have hope. Big *Hug* to you!
April
I disagree that these sites aren't helpful. It is true that many people don't take the time to really listen but an awful lot of people do listen and care enough to respond and most importantly respond with sincerity. I hope you don't choose to take the one offensive post to heart and ignore all the rest of the supportive/caring posts that you have received. As for your psychiatrist, personally I think you need to find another. I know you don't relish rehashing your situation but if they are so impersonal I doubt you are really getting any benefit by staying with them. You really need to have a bond with your therapist and it can take a few tries before you find that connection. I am sorry you are having such a bad time, Creston. I really do hope that you continue posting. PS....I do agree that we are responsible for our actions, our THOUGHTS however are another matter entirely.
I am at a loss as to the early post by misssleepy? I've not corresponded with this person before and do not have any understanding at all why such a mean post.
Does go to show you these forums and web site are probably not helpful in the long run. I can see where these kind of sites and information can be troubling for people. To include me. I thought I'd find some answers her.
Where you are ALL wrong is in saying it is not my fault or doing. In reality, as soon as we become adults no one else is responsible to or for us. We ARE responsible for our own thoughts and actions. The fact I've not coped well is MY fault. The fact (?) I'm depressed IS my fault. In this world of entitlement, where no one is responsible for anything its become too easy, to casual, to pass blame. Therapists are NOT responsible for me or anyone else. They are mere humans with all the biases, weaknesses, and ulterior motives as everyone. To put trust in someone, who really under any other circumstance than a paying customer, could give a rats *** about me seems absurd. I've seen a psychiatrist for 15 straight months. Everytime I go, she has to look at a folder and notes to know who I am. The last time I called for an appt (yesterday) the same receptionist I've talked to (in person as well as on the phone) had no clue who I was. "Oh, you must be a new patient". Not that I'm so important I should be remembered. But after I give my name and talk to her for a minute, maybe you'd get a clue. This is the world today. I meet people once and I remember them, their face, their name. See them again, say hi, say their name and they look at me like I'm a ******* weirdo--"do I know you"? We live in a hollow, dead world where the only thing that matters is the individual--ME. Every act is done out of ulterior motive--not bad motive, but for reasons for one to get what they want.
I'm sorry I provided nothing but negativity and poison to this site. Maybe better to journal in a private manner. I have to fix me. No one else.
Thanks for all your support (minus one). later
Does go to show you these forums and web site are probably not helpful in the long run. I can see where these kind of sites and information can be troubling for people. To include me. I thought I'd find some answers her.
Where you are ALL wrong is in saying it is not my fault or doing. In reality, as soon as we become adults no one else is responsible to or for us. We ARE responsible for our own thoughts and actions. The fact I've not coped well is MY fault. The fact (?) I'm depressed IS my fault. In this world of entitlement, where no one is responsible for anything its become too easy, to casual, to pass blame. Therapists are NOT responsible for me or anyone else. They are mere humans with all the biases, weaknesses, and ulterior motives as everyone. To put trust in someone, who really under any other circumstance than a paying customer, could give a rats *** about me seems absurd. I've seen a psychiatrist for 15 straight months. Everytime I go, she has to look at a folder and notes to know who I am. The last time I called for an appt (yesterday) the same receptionist I've talked to (in person as well as on the phone) had no clue who I was. "Oh, you must be a new patient". Not that I'm so important I should be remembered. But after I give my name and talk to her for a minute, maybe you'd get a clue. This is the world today. I meet people once and I remember them, their face, their name. See them again, say hi, say their name and they look at me like I'm a ******* weirdo--"do I know you"? We live in a hollow, dead world where the only thing that matters is the individual--ME. Every act is done out of ulterior motive--not bad motive, but for reasons for one to get what they want.
I'm sorry I provided nothing but negativity and poison to this site. Maybe better to journal in a private manner. I have to fix me. No one else.
Thanks for all your support (minus one). later
For some reason....my mind was VERY occupied with you and your strife last night. Now, I normally post on the anxiety forum....have lurked a lot here...but never felt a strong desire to post, until I read your thread.
I just read your last post....that poem is amazing....VERY accurate in describing a depressed mind and soul.
I KNOW you have your issues and history with the therapy and meds...and I don't blame you for being discouraged....but PLEASE at LEAST be properly weaned off your meds. If you don't...your depression may actually get worse....and my GOD, you don't want that...especially for THAT reason.
You have SUCH deep wounds...and you need healing. I really truly and sincerely wish you'd give therapy and meds another try.....sometimes it takes several attempts to get it right...many people here have posted that exact info to you. YOU are worth giving this a try. Don't just throw in the towel.
You didnt become this way overnight....and honestly? I do not feel you are responsible for ONE iota of how you feel. Problem is...the people or situations who caused it won't be the one to fix it. That, unfortunately, will be up to you. You are the ONLY one who can do it. But, you need the tools. You cannot do it effectively without those tools. That would be like trying to change a flat tire without a jack and that tire bolt removal hickey-thingy (yes, I'm not well versed in car repair...lol).....it simply is almost impossible. You may TRY to do it without the jack...etc...but most likely what will end up happening is you'll cause more damage to the car doing it without the right tools. It ISN'T the car's fault it got a flat tire....it's that pile of glass 50 miles back on the highway. Now, the car is WAY far away from the pile of glass that caused the flat....and finding and yelling at that pile of glass won't fix the tire. Only with the proper tools can it be done. And again....it's the fault of the glass....fine...but it still needs to be fixed if you want the car to be in tip top shape. Even so-so shape, right?
It's a shame that YOU are left to pick up the pieces....but it is what it is...and you CAN do it...but with the amount of grief, guilt, sorrow, anger, etc that you are dealing with...you NEED to have someone/something help you work thru those things. Give the therapy and meds another try. Ask for complete new meds, start new...from square one. Go in with as open as a mind as you can muster. Pull on the words of others who HAVE been in your dark place and managed to come out of it. Pull on the love of your children who need their Dad. And, keep talking....keep posting....
My heart goes out to you.....
I just read your last post....that poem is amazing....VERY accurate in describing a depressed mind and soul.
I KNOW you have your issues and history with the therapy and meds...and I don't blame you for being discouraged....but PLEASE at LEAST be properly weaned off your meds. If you don't...your depression may actually get worse....and my GOD, you don't want that...especially for THAT reason.
You have SUCH deep wounds...and you need healing. I really truly and sincerely wish you'd give therapy and meds another try.....sometimes it takes several attempts to get it right...many people here have posted that exact info to you. YOU are worth giving this a try. Don't just throw in the towel.
You didnt become this way overnight....and honestly? I do not feel you are responsible for ONE iota of how you feel. Problem is...the people or situations who caused it won't be the one to fix it. That, unfortunately, will be up to you. You are the ONLY one who can do it. But, you need the tools. You cannot do it effectively without those tools. That would be like trying to change a flat tire without a jack and that tire bolt removal hickey-thingy (yes, I'm not well versed in car repair...lol).....it simply is almost impossible. You may TRY to do it without the jack...etc...but most likely what will end up happening is you'll cause more damage to the car doing it without the right tools. It ISN'T the car's fault it got a flat tire....it's that pile of glass 50 miles back on the highway. Now, the car is WAY far away from the pile of glass that caused the flat....and finding and yelling at that pile of glass won't fix the tire. Only with the proper tools can it be done. And again....it's the fault of the glass....fine...but it still needs to be fixed if you want the car to be in tip top shape. Even so-so shape, right?
It's a shame that YOU are left to pick up the pieces....but it is what it is...and you CAN do it...but with the amount of grief, guilt, sorrow, anger, etc that you are dealing with...you NEED to have someone/something help you work thru those things. Give the therapy and meds another try. Ask for complete new meds, start new...from square one. Go in with as open as a mind as you can muster. Pull on the words of others who HAVE been in your dark place and managed to come out of it. Pull on the love of your children who need their Dad. And, keep talking....keep posting....
My heart goes out to you.....
Have an Answer?
You are reading content posted in the Depression Community
15 signs that it’s more than just the blues
Discover the common symptoms of and treatment options for depression.
We've got five strategies to foster happiness in your everyday life.
Don’t let the winter chill send your smile into deep hibernation. Try these 10 mood-boosting tips to get your happy back
A list of national and international resources and hotlines to help connect you to needed health and medical services.
Herpes sores blister, then burst, scab and heal.
