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Depression/anxiety/bipolar?! PLEASE READ.
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Depression/anxiety/bipolar?! PLEASE READ.

Okay this may be kind of long so I apologise in advance.. But please read to the end and give your opinion!!
I'm going to give as much detail as possible so here goes :)
So I'm a 17 year old girl, currently studying for my A Levels. I've always been an outgoing, sociable, generally happy person, but I've also always been very emotional i.e I'm always either in a great mood or an awful one. My childhoods been normal and I've had no traumatic experiences. But in the beginning of February this year I started to feel abit down. It started as me not going out as much on the weekends, and for about a month or so it slowly progressed. My mum took me to the doctor who said the usual stuff "Find a hobbie to keep you occupied" and I had some blood tests done that came out as normal. But for the next few months I started to feel worse and worse. I started to miss school once or twice a week and when I did go in I was quite on edge and nervous. We kept going back to the doctor but they were reluctant to put me on medication because I'm under 18 so they were just saying that it was a phase. But I became more withdrawn and anxious and eventually when I would try to go to school I would have panic attacks on the wayl, and a few times during school. I couldn't handle the stress and worry that I was going to freak out so just stopped going. I managed to sit my AS levels but had to do it in an isolated room because I couldn't face up to sitting in a crowded hall. By this point we had told the school what was going on and they have been very supportive ever since, focusing on my well-being not my grades. I also started seeing a councillor but that didn't really help much as he kept trying to figure out the cause of my sudden depression, when there wasn't one (at least not one I'm consciously aware of). I didn't want to see a councillor, I wanted to stay in bed, and eat sleep and cry all day. The councillor did however help me with my anxiety and when I eventually went in to school once or twice, I wasn't anxious much at all anymore. What was now holding me back at school was my depression, I would be on the verge of tears all the time. I couldn't concerntrate and then would get worried when I couldn't do the work and cry in the middle of the lesson. I think it was pretty clear to everyone at this point that something was wrong with me. I had told a few of my best friends a brief description of my problems but we didn't really ever talk about it much. I knew they were supportive but they would never bring it up first or ask me about it, I think they felt awkward. I had a short phase of cutting myself before I confessed to my mum because I felt so guilty. I stopped cutting and havent done it since, no matter how much i've wanted to. Anyway so by this time (around May) the doctor had finally made a referral to a psychiatric hospital. We waited a month for an appointment. Then had an interview and the doctor concluded that I needed to be referred again to a different kind of specialist!! But then in June my oldest best friend came to stay for a few days and we had the best time. She instantly put me in a great mood and when she left the feeling didn't stop. I was buzzing. I was ecstatic all the time. My mum commented that I was being hyper and should calm down. I wanted to do something every minute of every day. It was like all the energy that I preserved being depressed for months suddenly came bursting out of me. I went out almost every night. I wanted to see my friends all the time. It was like the old me was back, just louder!! I went away with my family for a few days and had a really good time. I felt like everything that had been getting me down for the past few months had just floated away. I went out and got new clothes and beauty things for the new me. It was awesome. And then I just crashed. I went back to school after a long weekend off and for two days I was fine. And then on the third day I just couldn't get out of bed. I felt the worst I'd ever felt. And from then on I was back to leaving the house once or twice a week to go buy £20 worth of junk food. My councillor said we need to consider manic depression. I had looked it up a few months ago when I first became depressed, and the symptoms seemed to fit my situation. I've since stopped seeing my councillor because I once again became too depressed to care about getting better. It's been about 3 weeks since then and I've deteriorated even further. I never go to school. I never see my friends. I avoid going out at all costs unless it involves getting food for me to stuff my fat face with. My bed and my sofa are my best friends. I don't really communicate with my mum anymore, whilst at the beginning of this she was my strength. When we do talk about what's going on we just argue because she doesn't understand how I feel, no-one can unless they've felt like this! She thinks she knows exactly what I should do to get better, when she doesnt know any more than me! I can never get to sleep before 3am because I can't switch my brain off from worrying. But when I do sleep I sleep for about 11 hours and nap during the day. I pretty much constantly have headaches. I don't get enjoyment out of anything anymore. I fantasise about killing myself and although I know I would never have the guts to do it, plus I couldn't hurt my family like that, most days I do wish I could just do it. I started slightly overdosing on pain killers, at first because my headaches were so bad, but then I wanted them to make me sick. Some days are better than others but most days are awful. I have my next psychiatric appointment on Monday and I'm praying for a diagnosis and therefore a treatment plan.
But I was just wondering, what does it sound like to you guys?
Just recurring depression, or manic depression, or an anxiety disorder mixed with something else, or something else completely?
Please help and just give me some ideas because I don't know what to expect on monday!
P.s I'm SO sorry for the length of this and thankyou so much if you've actually read to the end!
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It sounds textbook for Bipolar depression. I am not a doctor but I know a lot about it seeing as that is what I have. Going from mania to manic (high highs and low lows) over the span of a few days, few weeks or even few months can usually be associated with bipolar. When I was first diagnosed, I had a TOTALLY different view on what it really was. It wasnt until after I read, studied and learned about the disease, that I realized that I was Bipolar II (more depression than mania). I would suggest thing to your doctor. I am currently on 150mg of Lamictal as a mood stablizer- a lot of people swear by it. I am also on Wellbutrin for depression but I would NOT recommend this if you have anxiety and panic attacks. I have had both of them for years and the Wellbutrin only made it worse. Now I am taking another drug (Busbar) for the anxiety and Ativan as needed. At this point I feel over medicated. Sorry- this isnt really about me. But to answer your question, I definitely think you should look into Bipolar Depression and see if that sounds like you. I would also recommend seeing your couselor. I go to a social worker. I specifically asked for a female around 30 (I am 27) because I wanted her to be able to relate. It may take some time before you fine the person you are most comfortable with, but I promise you, once you find that person, letting everything out and talking it out does WONDERS. You get the to heart of the cause and can begin fixing it. Hope this helped. Sorry I rambled.
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I am not a doctor but am a psychiatric nurse for 20 years.  The underlying diagnosis is not as important as getting the help you need.  I believe it is really important to see a psychiatrist.  There are tests that can be done to help with the correct diagnosis.  It is important once you find a doctor or counselor that you are consistent in keeping your appts.  

I will be anxious in hearing how you are doing.  Will keep you in my prayers.
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You poor thing, you are suffering so much.  It sounds very much like bipolar because of your highs and lows.  Hopefully on Monday they will give you the right medication to help you.  I understand the depression part because that is what I have is severe depression.  In a lot of ways your behavior mirrors what has happened to me.  I worked in a medical lab, was a social butterfly, then for no reason I started having severe panic attacks and paranoia, It got so bad that I had to quit and go on Disability.  I just like you lived my life in my bed and then only going out for junk food several times a week.  My family does not understand my behavior just like yours.  Your extreme depression sounds exactly like mine.  I wanted to die, life is unbearable, the pain is so deep.  Slept all day, no socializing, etc.  I isolated myself too.  You are not alone in your pain, your pain is real, and do not let your family members or friends belittle you, or make you feel ashamed of yourself.  You have no control over this pain, you cry, and you feel alone.  I want you to know that you are not alone in this that there are others like you suffering.  I understand when the pain was unbearable I started cutting as well, but have since stopped.  This is a real disease, just like diabetes, and don't feel ashamed.  You did not ask for this to happen to you, but eventually your doctor will try to find the right medication for you.  You still have a long road ahead before you will be better.  He will try medication after medication, but eventually he will find the right combination of drugs for your brain chemistry. You are a brave young lady to have not killed yourself.  You just have to hang in there the best you can day by day, hour by hour until something works.  It will take time but your suffering will slowly go away. You have to believe in that.
I hope this helps you.  If you need to talk to someone when you are feeling really bad you can write to me and I'll be there for you.
Angela
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