I'm 18 years old and I dropped out of school almost 2 years ago now due to severe depression and some sort of problem with my immune system that kept me sick nearly every week. I have been diagnosed with depression and anxiety issues, but I've never taken any medications for it because I refuse to since I have a strong phobia of anything that I feel could make me as if I'm not myself. (thus I also have never taken drugs or alcohol). Since the point that I left school, I basically just became a shut-in. As much as I hate to admit it, a typical day for me is 12-14 hours spent online, and the rest of the day asleep. Sometimes for as long as 5 months I don't step foot out of the house, mostly out of fear of getting ill because something as common as a cold can take me 5 weeks of extreme agony and suffering to recover from. I thought staying home and doing whatever I wanted everyday and being at so much less of a risk of illnesses would help me, but it's seemed like the opposite. For the first year, my depression was extreme just about everyday and death was all I talked about because I was so worried that at any time, people were going to try to shove me back into the real world again before I was ready. Eventually I lost my boyfriend I'd been with for a year and a good handful of my friends because they couldn't stand how morbid and sad I was day in and day out which just made me even more hysterical. For this second year.... as far as the depression, it's changed a bit. Typically I'll be almost fine for 2 or 3 weeks, and then I'll have an extreme breakdown for a week or two. It just continues in that pattern. But more importantly, I've been having some minor hallucinations for the past year now.... both auditory and visual. At first it just seemed to happen at times that I had been stressed or isolated far too much, but lately it seems to happen anytime.
The strangest of my hallucinations was one day when I woke up to see that half the clocks in the house said one time, and half said another. I even double checked some of them. It was nowhere near daylight savings time and no one in this household would mess with the clocks for a laugh. Then not that long later, I looked again and they were all the same. It felt so strange because I've never understood how your mind can really trick you into seeing things differently than they really are.
Then just on Monday, I was sitting here chatting with some friends as usual, and all the sudden a box from behind the desk caught my eye. It seemed to be shaking like crazy. And I just stared at it in awe thinking it must be a trick of the eyes that would go away within seconds. But then the logo on the box started moving around as well, swinging and spinning and I started to feel a bit panicky and uneasy about it. Well right at that moment, my music in my headphones transitioned into an EXTREMELY loud part and I was so startled that my whole body jerked and when I looked back at the box it was normal again.
We have a strong history of depression in both sides of my family, but none of any serious mental illness. Why am I hallucinating? And will it go away? I won't take medications for it no matter what. And I'd prefer to not even tell my parents of it. It doesn't seem like that serious of a problem since it doesn't typically happen on a regular basis, but it's a bit unnerving and only adds to my already paranoid thoughts.
Sorry if this post is a bit long. I'd very much appreciate any insight on this or feedback from people who've experienced similar things.
I would suggest seeing a doctor about this. Hallucinations are common forms of depression associated with mental illness. You more than likely need to some meds to help deal with this. Risperdal is a good med for dealing with hallucinations. I used to take it a few years ago when I was experiencing some. I would suggest you talk to your doctor. I've been taking meds for depression/Bipolar/OCD for 12 years now and I lead a very normal life. It's no big deal to take a med everyday if it helps and I couldn't live a normal life without my meds.
To be honest I probably can't live a normal life without meds either. A few weeks before I dropped out of school I was admitted to the hospital psyche ward for a week where they did a full evaluation on me and for a week straight they very strongly urged me to try anti-depressants and said something about it possibly causing me some brain damage in the long run if I don't O_O I also seem to have a panic disorder because I have severe panic attacks in certain situations.
However.... I'm still adamant on not taking any pills =I I dunno.... it's a bit nerve wracking to know that I've suffered severe depression almost everyday for 6 years now, but given the circumstances I have all the reason to be depressed and I feel like pills would just be deluding myself.
I guess really I'd just like to know that these hallucinations are simply part of the depression and that they'll go away if/when my life takes a turn for the better.
But if these hallucinations are just caused by things like major stress and depression, I don't see why they wouldn't go away if my circumstances became different. Unless I've just plain snapped and gone a bit permanently crazy O_O
but I don't really think so lol I'm just a bit hysterical about my life
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