I am really, really not in the mood to be open, but I know the proverbial excrement is going to hit the fan tomorrow and we're going to have the same old discussion we always have, so I was wondering if any other depressive people have these tendencies?
I have had depressive tendencies and extremely low self esteem for up to six years. I could probably pinpoint where it began, but sometimes it's hard to remember ever feeling normal or properly happy. It seems a lifetime ago. I have been formally diagnosed with depression for two years, but am 'low risk' as, no lie, I think about killing myself daily for months on end and have "miniature wobbly, jaggy moments" as a friend described it, but I'm a pain wimp and whilst I tend to do stupid and dangerous things - ridiculous diets, stupid ideas, sleep deprivation, occasional excess alcohol, as beer + feeling like poo is a disastrous thing - I don't regularly self-harm and I don't think that I would ever, ever kill myself. At least, I never did.
A few contextual things. First off, my cat died two weeks ago, and I am bloody heartbroken. I always knew this was going to happen, because animals die too soon, they always do, but of course the reality of grief isn't what it is in your mind. I thought I was going to scream and cry and all that, and I do still cry but that main bit was over within a week. I'm just sad, angry, and I've lost my best friend of nine years and the only thing that I believed in when everything else seemed hopeless; I do that horrible lost thing people do when they wander aimlessly because they catch themselves going to do something out of habit that'll never happen again. So, I just think I'm sadder and more bitter than usual.The second thing is, my father has pretty severe depression. He was really, really, -really- badly treated at his job and has had to retire because of it. It's kind of driven home the selfish and isolationist nature of depression. I can't talk about this without sounding selfish. I understand why my father sometimes acts like he's the only person in the world, and I understand that he's suffering. However, he tends to act like I haven't got depression, and we've quickly realised that neither of us understand what's going on either person's head. Can two depressives talk about depression? It feels that sometimes we can, but at other times we're at odds. It's just weird that my family loves, supports and helps him, tiptoeing around him, when I often get abuse for feeling depressed, eyerolling, sarcasm and told to shut-up. He deserves it, of course he does, but sometimes I feel like people are going 'L's putting this on for attention' or 'L's just being bitchy' or 'L just likes to think she's a tortured soul' or 'L's just moody' or...you know? Eugh. It sounds really, really terrible, and it's worse because I'm feeling touchy. Basically, I've learned that when I'm suffering from a severe case of feeling depressed, I make sure the phone's off the hook and I don't talk to anyone, and I just try to sleep, because I have frick all support network. I used to adore my father and I'm pleased he's got support and I will try to support him, but the double standard stings. Every time I've been bad, really bad, it's been a shouty phone call ending with 'fick off, L' and horrible abusive arguments blaming me for absolutely -everything-. I mean, don't get me wrong, I like my family. Once upon a time I'd say that I loved them. I'm not sure 'like' is the word. What is 'love' only less strong, whilst not as 'I like your personality' as like? Either way, okay, not good, given that once I would have verbally bitten the kneecaps off of anyone who so much as looked at them wrong.
I just feel like a burden, now. I'm moving out in the summer, after uni. I say this, maybe not. I'll sell all my stuff and head out into the sunset. Thanks and all that. In my mind. It'd be for the best, it won't happen, but maybe it'd be easier on its own.
Anyway, I was wondering if anyone has any of these depressed habits or trends and how to cope with them:
1) I'm a casual artist.I'm shite. People coo and go 'Oh L, you're so talented' but I can see in their eyes 'That L, she's no Picasso', and I'm not. I do it because sometimes I enjoy it. Very rarely. Erm. Extremely rarely, nowadays. Anyway, I tend to destroy my pictures. Some part of my brain goes 'I'm angry, sad and hurt, and I made these things and I can take them away'. Dear God, I should never reproduce. Anyway, I've just burned two pictures (in a hearth fire that was already burning) and ripped another up. Since these were hanging on my wall (my mother put them up. I hated them anyway. One was a compositional nightmare, and the other was gaudy, and the faces were too thin and they'd been up for a year and so outlasted everything else and... oh, I -hated- them. Apart from the one I ripped up, which took three weeks work and was so much fun I kind of liked the finished thing.) I can say their absence will be noticed tomorrow. Also, erm, I think there's nothing which I've drawn in the last three years which has survived. Which speaks levels for my destructiveness. Does anyone else do this or know why I have this horrible habit?
2) Sweet God, if you could fall asleep and sleep forever and ever and never wake up,would you? I would. I want to dream and dream because my life is a mess and argh. Isn't that a terrible mentality? How do I fight it?
Your feelings sound so incredibly familiar to me!! I don't have a dad that has that kind of situation, but the destructiveness, yes! Admittedly I'm a little more violent, and have broken a few things, thrown my glasses, and *definitely* rid my possesions of anything that admits that I am creative (recordings of my singing that I do, 100s of poems that I've written). The few that see these things, and even a few that just hear me sing casually tell me it's great. But no matter how many people say they like it, I REFUSE to believe that I have any talent. If I did, wouldn't I have been more solid on that high note, have better tone? Wouldn't I be wealthy and sucessful by now? Wouldn't *I* know there was something so great about me?! ...Those people don't know crap!! (My perceptions at least).
As to the second part, I've dreamed so longingly for an eternal sleep or to just "disappear" into nowhere so I couldn't be a nuisance to anybody, so I wouldn't have to deal with rejections and not knowing where my life is going. It's so scary to think of those things, and if there were an answer that quick and simple, you could bet I would take it in a minute.
You're not at all alone. And that's one lucky thing I've found to cling to in my life recently, because I thought the same thing. Hang in there. :)
Vent away, you sound angry and frustrated. Have you tried therapy, I dont think you will feel better until you unload. Depression changes our perception and so what you think whilst depressed isnt always what we would normally think, try and get to talk to someone to offload your thoughts. Some people find journals helpful, even if you rip it up after, just putting it out of your head on to paper seems to help many people. take care, feel better
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