Does anyone wish they wouldn't get better?

[kabs8]

I feel like that a lot of times. My therapist and doctor have asked if I want to feel better and I respond that I’m not used to feeling good and it’s a strange feeling. I was told my depression started in my childhood and it's hard to stop thinking about that. My comfort zone is when I feel depressed because evidently I've been depressed for so long before ever seeing a doctor and if I were to feel better and be happy, I'd feel like a different person. Feels like depression is so comfortable, I don't want to give it up.  I also feel weird because, in my thinking, if I feel better, I won’t have to go to the doctor and therapists office as often because I feel that's the one place that people seem to care. My psychiatrist's office is not the only Dr. office this feeling comes around and eventually that feeling gets easier but it's always there and I'm getting tired of feeling this way. I have others in my life who probably do care but either I can't see it or I just don't know what it is. I'd like to know why I feel like this and how I get past this type of thinking. One thing that I'm really afraid of is that the therapist and doctor will think I have feelings towards them and I don't, I just feel they care about me more than anyone else has. I worry they'll suggest I see another Dr. and therapist, which I won't. In that case, I'll see my PCP and wean off medicine and take life as it comes then. I'm already a nervous wreck about talking about this with my therapist from the exact office that I get these feelings. At least I don't see the Dr. for a few more weeks. I don't know whether to talk to therapist about it since I can't seem to change that way of thinking on my own, or just keep this all to myself, because really I have no idea how I could ever start talking about this. I have an appointment already made but can't decide if I should try to let things go on my own and cancel the appointment or not and probably just prolong the agony.  Do you think this is something I need to talk about with my therapist or learn to deal with it on my own, kinda like I have all along?

[Poo44clooner]

I am glad you went to see a psych and it does sound like you have major depression because I have the same diagnosis.  Sleep and exercise are the most important things you can do and also taking your prescribed medications.  I notice a big difference the next day if I am awake all night, which for some reason I have been lately,  my depression gets worse.  Plus, I get the weirdest dreams that frighten me so much I wake up like I can't breath, panting, and with the worst panic attack.  I don't know the reason for that.  The dreams I can't make sense of----too weird---sometimes they involve dead people around me and I am looking for a place to hide so he won't kill me too.....the others are so weird.  I absolutely hate them.. But you need to get your rest.  You won't get dependent on the sleep meds if you take as directed.  I take a tranquilizer before bed if I feel it is going to be one of those nights.
Force yourself to exercise.  I know it is hard to even get out of bed.  But I forced myself, first it was 5 minutes on treadmill and I had anxiety the whole time and couldn't wait to get off of it.  But gradually, and I mean gradually I am now exercising almost nightly on the elliptical for a mile or so on tension 4 and I also use a kettlbeball weight for upper strength.  I dread exercising but once I am done I feel a bit energized and when I wake up I can feel a difference mentally.  I tell myself no excuses.  I use my ipod that has my most favorite songs on it and I tell myself just do 3 songs tonight.  Sometimes I go close to 3 miles. I hate it but in the end it is so good for you cause it releases the "good feeling" endorphins, recirculates the blood, and movement of any kind will help.
You mentioned that your mother and sister had died, I am sorry to hear that..Did the depression start at that time or dd it just get worse for you?
I hope you get to feeling better, I remember those dark days where I did not have the energy to get to the shower.  I had to talk myself into it and many other times I just lay in bed day in and day out.  
Exercise, even for just 5 minutes a day, get a real good night's sleep in a row, I mean without waking up in between and hang in there, things will get better for you.  If they did for me and I was pretty hopeless, then they will get better for you.
I am here for you anytime to talk about anything that you need to talk about. You are never alone, remember that.
Take care,
Angela

[kabs8]

Angela,

Thanks for the invite to talk.  You say you can't wait for night so you can go to bed and forget everything.  I'm just about the opposite.  I work midnight shift and I usually sleep okay during the day but only about 4-5 hours then 2-3 hours later before work.  But on my nights off, it would be nice to sleep and forget everything but I sleep maybe 2-3 hours then lay awake and think, usually of all the wrong things.  My doctor gave me something to help sleep but I don't want to depend on that. I'm still trying to come out of that "comfort zone" of depression I've known so long but will try and not give up.  My family doctor sent me to a psy. because of anxiety, nothing physical found, and because of the interview and everything I said to the psy. they diagnosed major depression as well, but now I often wonder if I hadn't said everything I did say and didn't admit to anything, depression never would have been mentioned and I'd just feel like I always have and wouldn't know the difference, except the anxiety would get better.  It's like that saying "what you don't know won't hurt you".  I've been tried of many meds and so far nothing has changed how I feel, still going for therapy.  I'm 57 and should be able to deal with these thoughts but it's very hard.  I still have sad thoughts, don't want to wake up every day, verge of tears nearly every day and with all my heart miss my mother and sister who have died, no energy nor care to do anything besides my job and that's because I have to.

kabs8

[Poo44clooner]

Anytime you want to talk feel free to ask.  We're both going through the same thing.  I sometimes  think that I am the only one that has this illness but we can share and support each other if you want. It is hard so I try to take it one day at a time and on especially hard days I can't wait for night so I can pour myself into bed and forget everything, everyone, the depression, basically the "noises" in my head.  Get up the next day and try to do better, sometimes I succeed and sometimes I don't, but I figure I have to try.  If I don't then who will?
Angela
Angela

[kabs8]

Thank you for your responses.  They opened my eyes a little more and made me see things from a different perspective.  I appreciate your input.

[sevensisters]

i think about that,
a lot.
"do i want to get better?"
i look around at other people.
do i want to be like them?
no not really.

but to get "better",
would be to be like those around me.
wouldn't it?

[Poo44clooner]

I have had depression since childhood as well.  When I went on disability there was a sort of comfort zone like I want to be here forever because I can't deal with real life as sick as I am.  Then I questioned myself, like you, do I want to get better or stay this way because of all the attention I am getting? Then I realized that I felt like I was standing still as everyone around me was moving, laughing, talking, LIVING.  I was not doing any of those things.  Whatever I was doing it was about depression, whoever I talked to it was about depression.  I felt like I was, as always, sitting inside the house, looking out the window and hearing the sounds of the world and then I really wished that I was out there.  Out there doing and being in life. I realized I wanted to get better and get on with my next stage of life.
So, yea, I once did feel like you and I hope you get to distinguish want you want ----be in limbo, have depression be your identity, or be YOU, whoever you are, whatever your wants and dreams are all about, to regain and be back in your life.  I think that is what you should ask yourself and not anyone else.
I hope you get to feeling better.  There's a whole world out there waiting for you to jump in and live in it and if depression is still there, it is an illness, it is not you.
Angela

[Jaquta]

Definitely discuss this with your therapist.  I think that getting better can sometimes invalidate or negate our negative experiences.  I think that grieving for these and accepting them is important.  I think that focusing on reality, on the here and now, is also important.

[j17c27]

I think you should talk to your therapist about this.  Personally, I would do anything to "get better" but I 100% see where your coming from in not wanting to.  Depression is what you know best...youve dealt with it so long that its part of who you are.  Its like changing personalities in a way.  
I found your post really really interesting.  You bring up really good points.  But I think that depression isnt healthy...and you should try to get healthy.  You will still be you, just you will enjoy things more, smile and laugh more, and be happy.  
Also, just because you combat depression doesnt mean you have to stop seeing your therapist and doctors.  i know a lot of people who see therapists who dont have depression or any mental disorder...they just need someone to talk to who will listen and give advice.    

[John_jb1]

I suppose the question of change does sort of unease some people, especially those whos reality is a depressed and melancholy state. Personally, I REALLY want to get better, as my issues with hypersomnia do tend to leave me quite uncapable and destroy all cognitive ability (including reading and writing) - which deeply frustrates me!