I do not know when depression started.
It is something I am not sure about.
The idea of killing myself wanders in my mind years now.
I always thought I am a lower being and I let others control my life.
But it happend in such an extend that it ruined a lot in me.
Because the people I trusted were not good people..
Lately I am thinking to suicide again.
I have images in my mind of me taking pills, or cutting my wrists, or even stabbing my heart with a knife.
To be honest I would do it if I did not thought that there are some people that would really miss me.
I can stay still in a place for hours without even moving, thinking about various things and not noticing what happens around me.
Head aches became more often and I do not know how to fight this numb feeling in me.
I feel that people are worried for me yet I deny to accept the fact I must feel something again.
If I had one wish for me and me only, it would be to die without any of the people I know to be hurt.
I am egoist I know...but isn't depression an egoistic feeling on its own?
If Depression can be known only by a color, it is a blackness, a blackness of the spirit, a deadening of joy, a bleakness of the heart, an emptiness of goodness and good will, a blight on the newly planted crops that will never know harvest...Depression opens the door to illnesses that might kill us in the long run, heart disease, lung cancer, kidney failures and strokes.
Because depression is a blackness, it is well hidden behind you in your shadow, soon becoming a constant companion that you cannot even recall being introduced to in the first place. Like a succubus, depression will try to take all your hard work with any form of recovery and suck it right out of you with sometimes only hearing one harsh word, having one moment of regret, one thought of yesterday that has not been resolved yet.
When Recovery starts it is like you are given a beautiful lamp with an everburning bright wick that you point into the shadows of your self and your life and as blackness hates the light, it recedes and recedes but always has that long set of fingers on the back of your neck. Only by constant use of the light of Recovery that comes with the tools you have chosen to use can you keep Depression behind you as a follower, and not as a cherished comfortable companion...
I do hope you will see a Medical Doctor for a work up and a referral to a therapy group or therapist who is savvy about Depression and Recovery
and may help you put your own toolkit together either in a group setting or a One to One Therapy....You have such a wonderful life ahead of you
that it is a shame to be stuck and not moving forward as you seem to be doing right now.
What? Lower being? I don't doubt you when you say you feel like a lower being, but you know you're not. I get the sense that you're fairly young, and you have to get help with some emotional problems your having while your young. There are people who ignore these symptoms, barely function for years, and 10 years from now nothing has changed. Don't let that happen to you. You deserve to be happy and healthy.
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