Emotional Shutdown

My husband is a bit of a pervert.  I have caught him doing several things that men shouldn't do.  He has also had a fling with another woman.  He for instance took a safety pin out of my top without me noticing, and sent me into town.  I was livid, yet a week later I catch him gawking my daughters' friends boobs.  The weirdest thing has happened now.  I just seem to have switched off.  I am not angry, I feel nothing.  I however want nothing to do with him.  I dont want him touching me or anything.  We can talk and laugh and as I say, I am not angry.  It's not like I am trying to teach him a lesson.  I just feel nothing.  He can have an affair, leave me, whatever.  I'll be fine with it. My only concern would be my daughter (7), as she loves him dearly.  But as for me, it wouldn't bug me in the least.  Is this normal?  Will it change?  Will my feelings for him ever return?

[mammo]

Your feelings are gone...period.  It would not be fair to you or your daughter to continue in a relationship with any man you didn't love, much less a corrupt one.  As for your daughter...be very careful she may be his next target.  Plus, kids know when their parents aren't happy and you don't want your daughter growing up thinking this is how a realtionship should be.  I would not want my daughter in the same house as this man!  It sounds like your feelings have been withering for a long time, and now you're just done.  I seriously doubt that your feelings will change, but I also wonder why you would even want them too?

[Hensley258]

I think the first thing you need to find out is, was this "fling" just a one time thing that had no emotional feeling for him toward this person?

That sounds silly, but it means a lot. Now on the other hand if this affair was one where he was in love with this person and cared for her, well then that's a whole different story.

As for him being "a bit of a pervert." would it be safe to say that many of us married men are "a bit of a pervert." I don't think that makes him a bad person in general.

My wife sometimes catches me looking at other women. When or if she gets upset about it I have to remind her that if I was not attracted to Women then how in the world could I be so attracted to her which I am.

If emotions were a key factor in this "fling" then I say you have to move on and forget him. If not then i say you shold try to work it out.

[whodunnit]

Hi,

You say he's a bit of a pervert. Do you mean he looks? As all men do, all the time. It's normal.

You say you caught him looking at your daughters friend's boobs. Sorry but 7 year olds don't have boobs so what is the issue here?

He took a safety pin out of your top and you didn't notice. Again, what's the issue here? He may have thought it didn't belong there.

He had a fling with another woman. How do you know that? Did he tell you?

What's clear to me is you think these things add up to a problem. I don't, except for the fling should that be true.

Rather it would seem you have a problem with what men do naturally. If so be aware all men do these sorts of things. That is, look. But they don't all act. Women too look, but not all act either.

Given that you've posted this on the depression forum I guess you have depression and if so these things are less than they really are but big for you.

I'd suggest talking to him directly. But do accept that men will look. It's impossible not to as we look at everything around us.

As to the fling, you don't seem that concerned about it really so what is the actual problemm here? You seem to want out so why don't you do that?

[Olga197]

Yes you are right.  Why would i want to stay with him?  If i divorce him he will have access to my seven year old girl.....without supervision?  cant take that risk.

[Olga197]

He says the fling was none other than an ego boost.  He however said sorry, but showed no regret.  The fling i can get over, the problem is the things he expects me to do... i.e. go to town with see-thru tops and bras. Opened up buttons.  It is embarrassing when he stares women down... he looks like one of those dirty old men, and at this stage i am convinces he will become one.  I just dont understand the feeling that I am experiencing... not anger, not hurt, nothing.  I have looked up the term emotional shutdown, but havent found an answer yet

[Olga197]

I hear where u are coming from.. I didn't want to go into too much detail but the things he does i am sure isnot acceptable to most women.  I.e. expecting his wife to go into town looking tarty?  and get turned on by that?  Didn't mention either that he was gawking out my 20 year old daughter's boobs.  To the extent that she was so embarrassed that she kept her hand over her chest the rest of the evening.  I know guys look, and i look as well.  I think there is just a way to do it, without having the one being looked at feeling uncomfortable.  There are other things he has done, which i would not like to mention.
My concern at this stage is why or how have i shutdown completely.  Surely it cannot be healthy... it must be suppressed somewhere.  And i have a little 7 seven year old to raise.  Cant risk getting ill

[Olga197]

Oops slip up.... my 20 year old daughter's FRIENDS' boobs.

[Hensley258]

Well, there is a difference between looking and fixating. I'm clever and respectful to my wife. I just do the old eye movement with mo head movement. I can usually Hide it pretty good like that.

One would be supprised at how good a look I can get at another Woman without being detected.

Kind of sounds like this guy doesn't understand the finer points of Women whatching.
He sounds like he is WAY too obvious about his fetish.

I on the other hand am maybe even as perverted as he is, but I do it will class. I don't stare down women and make them feel uncomfortable.

As far as him wanting you to wear specific items of dress that your not comfortable with then tough luck for him. I understand where the guy is comming from, but if he wanted a women that was an exibitionist and sex freak, then he should have married one.

I look, but this guy sounds like a rubber necker.

You also must keep im mind that if he cheated on you once then TRUST ME he will do it again. It's just a matter of time.

Verdict: Dump him. It's his own fault for not being more clever.

[mammo]

If you feel your husband is a "pervert" then staying with him for the sake of you daughter is just wrong!  You can arrange for him to have only supervised visits, where there's a will, there's a way.  Men will look at other women just as we look at other men. but no excuse for a fling, and if he did it once he'll do it agai!  It's a smack in your face for him to say it was an "ego booster" which tells me you're not enough for him.  The way he wants you to dress says he wishes he had married a different type of woman, and all this is very disrespectful.  I don't agree with Hensley on being "clever", sounds too sneaky for me!  My husband doesn't ogle at women, but I see him look, and I don't mind because it's not done in a disrespectful way to anyone.  You can "find" many reasons to stay with this man, or you can accept the obvious and kick him to the curb.  He is setting a very poor example for your 7 year old daughter, and she would be my motivation to get away from him!