Emotionally Exhausted

I have been dealing with depression for most of my life. I can remember having moments of feeling sadness, loss, frustration with myself, and prolonged self-reflection all the way back to when I was 10 years old. Most of these moments centered around something social I greatly wanted to do, but couldn't because my anxiety over the social situation would become so heavy as to be emotionally debilitating. Many times I chose to completely avoid the situation, or if I was able to press on, I would remain reserved and perhaps even "stand-offish". All the while feeling my soul ache to be a part of the fun, to ask a girl out for a date, to free myself to be me. As you can imagine, this trouble and depression hampered many a good time and a few possible boy/girl relationships in my high school and college years.

As an adult, my growing maturity has been able to ward off much of the anxiety over social situations. I am still selective, but I find myself joining in more often and being me. I even married a great woman a little over eight years ago. Nonetheless, about 3 years ago, I began having a lot of trouble with stress anxiety and depression. I had been in a rather negative and very stressful job situation for years. Throughout much of that time, I internalized a great deal of anger and anxiety with hopes of keeping myself "in check" until things got better. I also began taking anti-depressants and regularly seeing a counselor. I eventually was laid off from this job, and I have to tell you, I know I should have been nervous and concerned about losing my job, but I was not. I was greatly relieved.

After six months of being jobless, I was hired by a great company and am surrounded by upbeat and positive people. Yet, I am once again finding myself frequently feeling weighed down, sad to the point of welling tears, exhausted, and increasingly emotionally unavailable to my wife and her family. Our marriage is just me and her, no children. My medication has been increased a couple times, and in general has had a good effect, but seemingly not for long. Anxiety and agitation creep in at any moment. At times I am downright short with my wife, and pretty much for no reason at all. I am feeling myself moving away from her, wanting to be alone, and wanting to get divorced and to start living on my own. Marriage is awfully hard when suffering from depression. Her and I have been to a marriage counselor for three sessions now, and I don't really feel things improving. Honestly, I am not even sure the counselor takes me seriously when I say I want leave my marriage and live on my own. I do care for my wife, I know she is not the cause of any of my pain, but at the same time I can no longer say I am "in love" with my wife. I also know my depression and my lack of passion for my wife is hurting her. God bless her though, she puts on a great game face and hangs in there with me.

Regardless, in the end, I am depressed, drained, and emotionally exhausted. I am tired of trying to "hang in there". I am tired of increasing medications. I am tired of having to not only deal with my troubles, but also with my wife's. Sometimes I really, really crave solitude. A chance to be completely by myself without any worry over another person. To choose when to involve others in my life and know at some point I can get away from them when I need to rest and recharge. Marriage is constantly "on" and my "batteries" have been flat for too long. What can I do about all of this without making a perfect wreck out of my life and my relationships with my wife and extended family?

[Bubulous]

Internalizing is a very dangerous thing.  As it builds up it start to implode and will eventually explode.  The reason you felt relief from losing you job is likely because you didn't like it.  Also the reason you are likely wanting to run away from the marriage is because you no longer want to be in it.  I have went through this as well and eventually she made a mistake that made it easy for me to escape and find the piece of mind that I once had.

Have you ever felt like an adrenalin junky?  How was your childhood?  I fell into depression when I got into a codependent relationship with the lady that ended up becoming my wife.  Once I get into a relationship I will not leave it until they make an extreme mistake which my wife did.  Also if I get a job.  Feeling trapped and perhaps bored *****.  How did you and your wife meet?  How old were both of you?

This is a snap judgement based on the information you gave.  If I can better understand what has happened over the last few years I can give better insight.