Falling down

[Cloudwindgate]

Well im back here again. Life is strange i dont think many understand me and my depression(that is around me)
maybe its not that they dont understand but that i cant talk to them. I hate depression every thing can be going great and then for no reason ill become depressed. Everything becomes a little less bright and i may be better tomarrow or a month from now. I'll have all this motavation but before i can use it Ill become depressed. This is not really a questions and i dont know what this is i just feel so alone im 18 and about to graduate but i have nothing in order i know what i want but its just out of my reach. I dont wish to kill myself but i wouldn't mind destroying this world. Yea
i might be crazy.  Do u every wonder what would happen if you died what would change who would cry or feel for you. Your like so many will your voice never be heard . That is my fear to die without acheving my dreams my goal or purpose.  I feel like a failure right now. I once had someone i could talk to but she was crazy and dumped me and well yea crazy. People often can't tell im depressed i put on a good show and at the end of the day after being walked all over and feeling lost i sit and think what if i could go back to my childhood self and give him advie on how to make his life better.

Warning more venting
yea im a nerd not thin but not fat but then  again if you have any wieght on you then your fat right?
I move to this god forsaken state only a year ago i once lived in Florida but how can i say this every thing fell apart.
My mother is addicted to pain pills she wont admit it. she wasn't a bad mother except a few events  but its a dual edged sword. one end shes addicted and is creating pain. on the other hand she does have alot of problems and does have real pain. Only a few weeks ago she OD i had to come in on it If i would not have came in when i did she wouldn't had made it.  The ambulance said they were shocked she came too. She DIED
but then she came BACK and i was relieved but what was her first worrier the God DAmn ******* pain pills and she hasn't changed and it hurts me to see this today she went and bought some from a friend and made me late for work any ******* thing for this drug.

I once took a test  from my health teacher the test said i was a grunny bag which meant i would hold in every thing till my bag would rip then i would let it out on anyone.

The only time i feel right is when i work on learning action script or my drawings come out near how i want them. Or even some times in the bliss of forgotten pain when your with friends or playing games.  I dont expect anyone to read all this i would be a fool to expect something like that for who truly cares about a broken soul trying to find its way i m just so sad right now that i have to vent some how.



o and the late for work was just a light version of the things thats happened shes gone out for days on end in fact that what lead us to have to basicly run here. Does god not love me or is it gaia maybe ........maybe

Why
Why
Why
Why am i like somany curse to live on a path which heads to my dreams but i am left to crawl while others are allowed to run.

[dreaminghealthy]

Hi there!
I see you are not having the time of your life, eh?...  I read all your message and i am still a little bit lost... There were lot of feelings, questions, impressions that i don't know how to take them to help you... Besides i think you were just talking.

However, I think you should get some help, someone to talk, to have like a guide, because for exaple the problems with your mam are very difficult to change and maybe you only need to understand her, forgive her, pray for her and focus on your own life. Perhaps what it will help is to work for others, then to see and face others problems really help to see how insignificant our problems are, you know, specially if you feel lost. Do something for others, work as a volunteer serving food for poor people, or building houses, etc... notice the real problems and then maybe you will see actually what is going on with yourself...

I hope it helps you...

[Cloudwindgate]

I will consider what you have said but as of now i dont have the time to be helping others. When im going to both school and work so i have zero days off.  Life has many problems in it and i was never trying to say my problems were the worst in the world or to even said like a wimp.  I know there are people who would kill for my position and im thankful im not them.

but at the time im in an up state and what i mean by that is I feel good and confident

[thehollowclown]

I want you to know, that I understand how you feel. I have bipolar II, and when I get depressed, it's usually for no apparent reason, but it doesn't mean the pain isn't real and your feelings aren't valid. Have you ever asked a doctor if bipolar is what's causing your depression?
You're right, it seems like no one understands. All my normal-headed friends get upset when I tell them, there's nothing they can do to help. They all tell me about times they were depressed, but I don't think depression is even the right word to describe it. It's just complete pain and hopelessness. Every thought sinks to the bottom of your soul, and hope no longer holds meaning. Everything just feels like rain.
All you can really do during times like this is hang on, and know that the storm will cease. Though it's hard to imagine right now, the sun will come out again, and the flood will subside.
Sending good thoughts your way. I know you will make it through.

[Cloudwindgate]

thank-you and no i havent but that also runs in my family so maybe i should