Father

I was wondering if anyone knew the chances that I would have a mental illness if my Father has chronic depression. Sometimes I feel so out of control I don't know what to do. Like I have too much emotion and no way to express it or understand it, paralysed by feeling. Then of course other times when I feel dissassociated with the world, like I don't really exist in the present and nothing around me is real. I'm just wondering if these are normal feelings. There are times when I do things that are unusual, but I don't feel like they're under my control. The most extreme was that in a moment of pure anger and frustation (the feeling thing I mentioned before) I smashed my laptop, threw it against the floor like it was nothing, even though I had worked really hard to get it I didn't care I just wanted it gone so that I couldn't be accused of procrastinating while I was studying. Even though I don't want to I tend to do things against reason. But I hurry to do it like there is too versions of me. One that wants and one that doesn't and I need to do this thing before the one that says no gets power over my body or talks me out of it. I also tend to talk to myself out loud, to get through thoughts and understand things.
I can honestly not remember the last time I felt happy with anything in my life, I don't think there has ever been a time when I have been happy in my own skin.

So I was wondering if these feelings are just normal 17year old angst. I hope they are.
Thankyou for reading this and thatnks for replying if you do.

[idesofmarch]

Depression and mental illness can be genetic, enviormental,  and hormonal etc.  Sounds like you may have some anger and do not know what to do with it.  When you act out like the lap top incident, it could be that the slightest thing brought up a memory in your subconcence (sp?) or you felt that you had no control about something.  Also at your age there are many hormones coming into play and may be out of balance. Do you have bouts of great energy with happiness, can't sleep or sit still, talk alot? Then other times, maybe for days or weeks sleep too much, become withdrawn, eatting changes,very sad? Have you ever looked up manic depressive disorder-you should if you haven't. It is also called Bipolar (sp?) You also may need anger management sessions. Have you ever tried to hurt yourself or others, or animals?  If you have you need to get help right away! Do you have a good relationship with a trusted family member or a parent of your friends? You really should talk to someone before more damage is done or you hurt someone.  You need to release some anger and emotions in a healthy way before you totally explode.  Do you live at home with an adult that covers you with medical insurance?  If not there are mental health places in most large cities that can set up a weekly or more session with a councelor/psychiatrist that will help you feel better and be more productive and happy.  Sounds like you will needs medicine to correct the problem. Don't be scared or ashamed of needing help with this, it is more common than you may think. Many people take  medicines for illness' and that includes mental illness, emotional illness and physical illness.   It may take some time to get the right meds at the right dose but it will be worth it, take my word, I personally know that.  I am a mother of 2 adult sons and I remember how crazy it feels to be a teenager and I take meds for depression and other illness.  So google Bipolar, depression, chemical imbalance, manic depression, ADHD etc.  Write down your feelings in a journal everyday, keep track of your symptoms even if you aren't sure if it is normal or not.  It will help you when you see a doctor-he may need to see what you wrote to diagnose your illness.  Write in this forum everyday and stay connected with a forum friend that doesn't bring you down.  (Mom) Sharon   Praying for you.

[nart]

i was just reading and heard that there could be harm involved.........and i heard nothing around you is real.....ever sence i tryed to kill myself in a horriable fashion.....deep within my soul i see i feel nothings like it uesd to be..something is wrong with me BIG TIME.see i have no emotion now or love. just nothing all day every day..sometimes i wish i could trun back time make things a little diffrent..........ahhh. ok.. REALLY DIFFERENT.......all it takes is one time of thinking mentally disturbed and its like games over . and you better kiss your life as you know it good bye..because that wont be anywere nair what it is now....... i have no life now no friend no job no car no money i live  with my mom and dad im 27/F.............i should be died.. i have schizohrenia and my voices told me and convenced me that i needed to go home to be with jesus.....and the voices told  me that i was talking to jesus.....no one new i had vocies....that were comanding me to do bull s@@@........for like 6 months.......how do you tell somebody  your talking to jesus God creatre of the universe!!!. hey man......i be one of them bible peolpe from like back in the day ..man........................................... ... yea right it just wont happen.....so save yourself and get on some medicine that could be what you need and please dont hurt anyone else.....dont be a victom in your own life.....life ie a joke when out of love...

[whodunnit]

On your basic question about having depression as your Dad does/did, medical science has not been definitive on this as yet.

There is a common misconception that depression is genetic but the only trials/tests done that relate to this are what were called the "Twins" study. In that study sets of identical twins were monitored over a long period, many years, to determine a range of similarities and differences.

One of which was depression. Of those studied the tests indicated that perhaps 1/3rd of the twins had depression genetically, or from birth while 2/3rd's did not, or developed such after birth. So that indicates 1/3 is genetic. But it is not a conclusive test and as such testing can take a full lifetime etc it is unklikely we will have a definitive answer unless the Genome tests discover a relevant gene.

Many are prone to saying it is genetic due to clusters of cases within families. That would seem a logical conclusion but the reality is more often that children raised by someone with a depressive lifestyle is likely to learn that behaviour and way of thinking. Thus it is environmental. Inescapable for many of us but not genetic. Do you follow?

So you can answer your own question really by saying no, it is not inevitable. But you should also closely examine your behaviour(s) in comparison to the symptoms of depression. Negative thinking and reaction is the big one.

Your frustration and anger may simply be an effect of living with someone who you are always aware of as being sad, angry, depressed and suppressing your own emotions to deal with them.

Another person has hinted at bi polar disorder but I would not suggest that to you myself at this stage as all you have described really is frustration and anger. Living with someone who is depressed is likely to take away all those generally happy moments in family life too which may feel like no happiness at all.

Happiness, I believe, is an illusion and when we actually try to define it for ourselves it is virtually impossible or unrealistic. I used to seek it and hope for it before I realised I had to be content with me before I could even think of happy. These days happy to me is peace and no fear or panic. If I have that then I known that good things will be part of my life, not happy all the time as that is actually hysteria.

[putzingaround]

I know it's been a while since you posted this, but if you are still having these feelings, you need to seek professional help right away.  Although depression is not uncommon, it is not NORMAL for you to feel like this.  I have struggled with depression myself for over 20 years (I'm only 28).  EVERYTHING you mentioned sounds all too familiar.  Depression can be genetic, environmental or both.  Since your father has been diagnosed, you are very likely to at least carry the gene.  Depending on the severity of your depression, it can be dangerous if left untreated (been there...).  It's nothing to be ashamed of.  Put simply, it's just a chemical imbalance in the brain.  There are medicines to fix it, but you have to be patient as your doctor finds the right one(s) for you.  There can be a lot of trial and error.  Just hang in there and know that there are many people out there going through the same thing.  You can even reach out to a few for support online- I'm sure they will appreciate yours as well.  It took a while for me, but eventually I realized (well, a supportive friend told me) "taking your medicine every morning is kinda like me putting my glasses on before I get out of bed- we both use something to correct an imperfection."  Please seek professional help- you WILL feel better.