Around 3 days ago my depresson has gotten steadily worse. I'm 18 going on 19 soon. I woke up and suddenly it felt like my brain atmosphere had gone completley. It's been kinda leading up to it because my anxiety put thoughts in my head like I was gonna hurt my family.
I feel dark, like my brain is nightime and i can't put anything in words. i feel like I'm dying there is no fight my body its moving but I'm dead. I was sitting in a car and praying for another car to come along and hit me even though there were others in the car.
What even is this? how can I wake up feeling so different I was ok. I think I'm meant to die. There are so many signs like someone recently committed suicide, the chair was placed perfectly underneath the light where I could hang myself, I asked a magic 8 ball it said i should and my brother was talking about it in general and said pills are the best way to go.
People usually get reasons or something stops them I'm just getting the go ahead. I don'twant to be on pills for the rest of my life and what if i go for help and it doesn't work. then I know I'm going to commit suicide. I can't swallow pills thought so I can't take them to get better.
I can't feel anything and i feel like I'm going to lose control any second and hurt myself or my family. Suicidal thoughts are coming every minute and what's worse is they don't scare me. It's like death is inside my body, I'm not hungry, I'm tired, i don't want to brush my teeth. i just sit down and stare at things. I feel like I'm standing on a cliff right on the edge waiting just for a push of air to push me over. It's like pressure in my forehead with a band around it.
I've had depersonalization before but I didn't have suicdal thoughts with it. My anxiety is making me think that when i'm eating i'm gonna choke so it doesn't want me to.
Why me? why can't I be normal and happy. i pressed a knife against my finger today and I didn't feel anythng. What is wrong wth my mind. Am I heading for a nervous breakdown?
I want that to feel something but my mind is numb. Is there anyway I can wait this out and treat it at home