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Feeling So Numb...
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Feeling So Numb...

I just joined- I feel like I need to get this off of my chest. I'm too afraid of actually going to talk face-to-face about all of this. And I apologize since this post will be long.

At some point in college, I became depressed and that became worse to the point I spent most of my time hidden in my room. I was no longer religious (my family is) and that made me feel alienated, and it was worse since I kept the truth hidden from my family. I pretended I was okay when I inside I was utterly miserable. To top it all off, I hated myself even more due to the fact that I was dependent on my family, had no idea what to major in and do with my life, and just couldn't establish a relationship with anyone outside of my family. See, I had Social Anxiety Disorder- shoot, I even had to resist panicking when l was walking through the university when it was packed with people!

I started cutting myself to feel better, then turned to alcohol and drugs, all the while keeping it secret from my family. My grades dropped and I would drop out of classes consistently, and this would just add to my misery. And since I had almost no social life, I was alone and had no one to share common ground with. Eventually it became too much for me, and I tried to kill myself one night with drugs. Luckily, I misjudged the effects, and I didn't get to finish the job. I actually blacked out and was found wandering outside by my family- it was like I was full-blown drunk, and the only reason I know about this is because my family told me what happened. I regained consciousness in the ER, with my family around me and crying.

After that, I was sent to the mental clinic for a week and came home. They gave me Zoloft for SAD; the stuff did nothing to help me and after reading the long-term side effects, I'm glad I stopped. With my family's strong urging (okay, more like force) I went to a psychiatrist- it did help with my depression and SAD. Now I can actually walk around in public on my own without that horrible panicky feeling, even able to hold a conversation. Oh and my family happened to find my journal (some reason I had thrown that on the floor), so the truth about me came out...and my family was actually understanding.

Now it's been about two years since. My parents recently decided to divorce and the whole thing was ugly, especially since my dad was cheating, and my mom told me things that I had not even known which shocked and disgusted me. Another thing, I still live with my family- it's not really odd because that is how this family works (I guess because of Korean culture, on my mom's side). However, I'm feeling frustrated because my family is overprotective of me- even I just go out to the grocery store, they worry. It also annoys me because they try to shove their religion down my throat occasionally. And to be honest, I want to be independent...I'm just afraid to though. I still have problems forming a close relationship; I don't trust people (I had some really lousy relationships earlier in my life), and I'm afraid that anyone I get close to will not like me or think I'm weird.

For the past two months, I have felt incredibly numb while occasionally losing my patience and temper. I normally have a calm disposition, but Iately I just feel so restless, irritated, and a tad depressed. Also my head has been hurting every now and then. I'm bored with life, as though each day is just time to kill. I have no focus and drive- I just do things because I have to, and things I used to enjoy are less fun. I'm also having trouble focusing on school work that doesn't interest me, though it hasn't suffered so far- I have a 3.8 GPA.

I'm not suicidal anymore- after seeing the pain I caused my family and knowing how much they love me, I could never do that again, EVER. I actually do regular exercise and eat healthfully, but I just feel so tired with life. I've turned back to alcohol and the occasional non-hard drug; I only do this about once or twice a month, because it gets rid of the boredom and unhappiness.

I just don't know what to do with my life...I hate having each day feel like a chore and wanting to just go back to sleep or feeling numb, like everything is pointless. I wish I could have someone to talk to, to trust and feel comfortable with rather than me feeling like I have to constantly be on guard. I want to have an actual goal for my life, know I can accomplish it, and have a purpose for my life. And also get rid of the anger- I have such a negative view of humanity in general, which only adds to my distrust of people.

Does anyone else feel like this? And how do I deal with this? Oh and thanks for reading.    
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Avatar_m_tn
I think just about everyone here an 100% relate with your story.
You suffer from Major Depression. There is good news and bad news to that fact. The bead news is that you can't just wish it away and it will probably be a factor for the rest of your life.

The good news is that I 100% think that you can be feeling better. To do this will require you to find another Psychiatrist and get your current meds re-evaluated. I don't know what meds you on right now, but it is obvious that they are not working for you.

There are other options and you should never feel locked into one set type of medications to treat your illness.

My parents are also very religious. Unfortunatly all their praying has done nothing to improve my condition. From this I can only assume that there is no God because God would never allow his children to suffer such a disease.
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Avatar_f_tn
I'm sorry for all you've been thru, but you're now among many others who have been there.  What I am about to say is from experience.  I was once frozen in life with fear, will they like me?  What do I say? Will they think I'm odd?  The answer I found is that we are who we are, and if somebody can't accept that, then I don't want or need them in my life.  You're never going to be able to please everyone, and not everyone will like you, that's just life.  But you have to put yourself out there.  You need to make friends, and be vulnerable, it's human.  You will get hurt, and disappointed by others, but that too is life.  Right now it's about you and what you want out of life, your dreams and needs. Be thankful you have family that care, many of us have never had this luxury.  Isn't it interesting while you were trying to protect your parents, they were protecting you, when the whole time, you and your mom needed each other.  Accept that you must live with your family until out of college at which time you can get a job and live where you want.  Be grateful that you CAN live at home and attend college, also priveleges. Accept that they mean well with the religion, pretty soon you will be out of there, and they do mean well. There are anti-depressants that can help you, but you have to stick with it, and work closely with your psychiatrist along with therapy.  Get out of the "occassional" drugs and alcohol which are only putting a bandaid on the problem, and you will keep spiraling downward if you continue on this road to self destruction.  What you find as an addict will be worse than anything you have ever known, and this will be when you will need to worry what people will think, because you will no longer be capable of thinking for yourself.  You cannot allow a hurtful past to stop you from living your life now.  Let it go, it's over start anew.  Only YOU can determine what kind of life you will have, and only YOU control it.  Do not give this power away to others.  Getting on the correct medication and therapy will get you back on the road to a happier life, I know because I've been there.  Don't hate life.  I just lost an 18 year old grandson to an inherited disease.  He fought every day to have a life, with all his pain and suffering he never gave up, he faced his enemy with courage and dignity, having plans, and dreams for his future, a future he will never know.  He would have traded his problems for yours' in a heartbeat. Don't allow yourself to feel sorry for yourself, this is not healthy either, and only worsens what you are feeling.  You have many reasons to be here, and people who love you.  Stop dwelling on what you can't change, change what you can, and best of luck to you.
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Avatar_f_tn
Thank you both for the advice. I know I need to get clean from both the drugs and alcohol...it's just hard when you feel down or like you have nothing better to do with your life. I've managed to stay clean for three days, and hopefully, this will continue to grow. As for meds, I'm very hesitant about them- my experience with Zoloft was anything but pleasant, plus it reminds me of my drug use.

I've also realized that if I can get over my fear and distrust, I can go out there and find others to communicate with and even relate to- as odd as it sounds, being here makes me realize that.
Also, the thing is though its not really me feeling sorry for myself- its like a numb, indifferent feeling.

I do feel better today though. I've been talking about this with my family, and all I can say is that they have helped me. And you're right- sometimes they get on my nerves, but they do love me, and I am incredibly grateful for that.

And mammo- I'm very sorry to hear that about your grandson. I wish you guys well, and thanks again.
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Avatar_f_tn
Thank you for your kind words. I'm glad you're feeling better!  You are so fortunate to have a caring family.  I learned when left with 3 babies that I had to face my fears.  I went looking for a job and I felt like all the buildings were so tall, yet I felt so small.  First time out, I was too scared to go in anywhere. I went home to 3 babies looking to me for all their support and care, so this forced me to do all that I feared.  You have to do this for you!  I found that there are a lot of nice people out there, who were interested in what I had to say, although for awhile I had no confidence to talk to them.

I feel you'll do very well.  You have a whole lifetime ahead of you!, don't waste a second of it, because one day when you're old, you'll wake up and wonder where the years have gone. You'll think of all the things you didn't do because you kept putting them off, but now are not able to do them.  Live your life, trust others and never expect too much, this way when disappointed you won't feel as bad. Best of luck to you..........
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Avatar_f_tn
Depression is not something everyone deals with for the rest of their lives.  Many times with therapy and changing your outlook, and attitude, you can get over it.  You have already realized some of your issues, and are starting to work on them, this is a big step in the right direction.  Keep moving forward, with a positive attitude.  Your parents will get on your nerves, and you do theirs, but there is still a lot of love there.
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Have you had your testosterone checked?  It only takes a simple blood screen and it may be low as was mine.  I am on testosterone replacement and starting to feel much better.  Best Wishes, Rando88
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