Feeling hopeless and lost......

Some crazy stuff happened in my family back in June.  My Dad came down to visit (he's an alcoholic) and I'm pretty sure he had a psychotic episode/nervous breakdown or something like that.  He has been my mom, my sister, my brother, and my financial support since the beginning.  He hasn't really been the "father-figure" but he used to try using money.  Well, when he was down here, the family went out to dinner, he drank one to many, and started nodding off at the table.  I got his keys from him so he couldn't drive and would have to take a taxi back to his hotel.  He BLEW UP and cut my family off financially and emotionally.  He sent so many hurtful, hateful, spiteful, and cruel e-mails to all of us and included the entire extended family in those e-mails.  I haven't spoken or written him since that night in June.  I really feel the need to write him an e-mail, express my feelings, and close the door.  But I also feel like I need to send the e-mail to the entire family to defend myself against the cruel and hateful things he said.  I know if I do write him, I should only send it to him but....................

None of us had jobs.  I had just had an appendectomy and lost my job for medical leave.  My mom's a teacher and school is not in session. My brother just graduated but can't get a job in his field 'til he turns 21.  My sister just bought a house (Dad is the co-signer on the mortgage) and is a year and a half into getting her masters degree.  With his help, none of us needed to worry about finances.  I know that him cutting us off financially is going to really be a positive turning point, at least in my life.  Now I really get to grow up and be independent.  I just wish he had gone about it a little differently.  I kind of wish I didn't loose my Dad (I can't say that to my family).

Ever since I have been so depressed.  I go through periods of bargaining where I think to myself, "If only I had given him his keys, none of this would have happened."  Then I get angry at him for being such a selfish *******.  I'm so scared about the future.  Luckily, I had some money saved and I am ok financially for the next few months.  My mom, however, has been dependent on him for over 20 years for financial support.  She has some medical conditions that prevent her from doing a lot of things.  I am SOOOO worried about her.  I know I have a lot to be grateful for but these feelings are a little overwhelming.  I feel like I'm in the ocean and my Dad just took away our flotation devices and left.

I told my MD and I'm on Celexa and Ativan now which I think is helping.  At least I'm getting out of bed now.  I've also been applying for jobs like crazy but all I am getting is rejection so far.  I'm a nurse/paramedic and I can't even find a job right now.  That really makes it rough.  I have all of this down time to think about things when I wish I could be in the hospital doing what I do best: taking care of people.

Thanks for letting me vent......I'm sure I'll have more to post one day soon.  I'd love to hear from somebody out there.

[tschock]

When I was 12, my alcoholic father said some pretty nasty things to my mom, my (then) 8 year old brother, and me. He had called  me all sorts of things that really hurt.
I stopped paying my mom child support ( which wasn't controlled by the courts back then/mandatory) and we suffered greatly for it...but...he was out of our lives and not causing us the kind of grief that he had been...so it was sort of a blessing.
My dad passed away in November of last year due to his drinking...a lonely, pathetic thing.
Part of me misses him greatly, but at least I know that there was nothing I could have done to change him...like make him quit drinking.
You did the right thing when you took his keys...don't forget that!
He could have killed someone...so you probably saved someone's life that night...even his.
Your dad will come around...it may take years, but he'll be back in your life again at some point.
Chin up, and just live your life as best as you can.
He chooses to drink and to make his life what it is...you don't need to be dragged down with him.
Here's to a happy life to you and your's!