Feeling out of control

I have been feeling more out of control lately.  I am considering going to see someone to discuss this, but I do not know who I should see.  I have had issues in the past and needed medications, so should I start with a psychiatrist who can ID medications, or a counselor to talk about issues?

Some background:
I have had mental health/ depression issues since I was pre-teen.  I first saw a doctor at 16 when I felt I could not cope anymore.  I had suicidal ideation, depression, sexual abuse history, mania, etc.  Unfortunently, I did not get the best doctors at the time.  Had one psychiatirst diagnose me with all types of issues, gave me everything in the drug cabinet, and then tell me that I would have no issues with my rape since I drove to the house it happened at!  So I am somewhat leary of them.  Shortly thereafter I was assaulted again, and had to stop medication due to pregnancy.  That got me to not see that so called doctor.  Somehow I survived that ordeal.  

I have been on and off minor medications since them from a general doctor.  I have seen a couple of counselors in the last 20 yrs. when it has gotten really bad, but I feel like the real underlining issues have not be identified.  I feel hopeless, useless, a nobody.  Then at times it is like nothing is wrong.  Then it seems I just can't shut my brain off, it replays possible scenarios over and over and over again driving me crazy.

I seem to be able to put on a good front for others.  I am overly smart, educated (after 20 yrs of college for a BS degree), have a good job that I seem to fake my life through.  Everyone around me sees my life as this great thing, but no one knows the stuff that goes on in my head.  I do not know where to turn......

[chris669]

It seems as though we have a lot in common. It is so much easier to give others advice than to fix your own problems. First, I am sorry these things have happened to you. You need to focus on the positive. I don't know if you can ever really get over the abuse. Maybe you can help others who have suffered abuse.(volunteer @ a women's shelter or something) This will help you realize you are not alone and maybe help ease the pain. Maybe you may want to get a good sleeping pill prescribed by your doctor. I feel leary about trusting doctors, specifically psychiatrists myself. It sounds you may be bi polar. If you have a good routine and healthy lifestyle and feel you are helping others you should be too busy to think about the past too much. When you say you can't shut off your brain and you know you are intelligent (which I believe) it sounds very bipolar. Lots of very smart talented people are bipolar. The highs are great but the lows are really low. I used to have a list of famous people who were bipolar. The only one I can remember offhand is Jim Carrey. You should google it. Maybe you should just try to get on sleeping and anxiety bills before you get entangled in the complicated money motivated mental health business. Abuse has consequences but it is possible to cope with them. Maybe you should save up and take a vacation. Wishing u the best.

[unknownconfusion]

Thanks for the suggestions.  I am planning on getting a doc appt before I totally spiral out of control.  I just hope I can get in to see someone soon.  The joys of insurance.......

[tavie]

I could have written your post.  I have been dealing with depression since I was in my early teens.  I muddled my way through college and a few jobs but could never seem to hold one down for very long and have gone for years without a job because the very thought of working makes me... I don't know but crazy seems to be a good word for it.  I have been on several anti depressants and through 5 different counselors.  I know what it is like to not see a light at the end of a tunnel.  I am still looking for mine because I can hear the train and, right now, I am not sure if I will be able to get out of the way in time.