Feeling very lost...

I don't know where to start, I have been living a lie of sorts, not providing for my family, not giving emotional care to my girls or my wife, not participating in life for several years now.  I have been diagnosed with PTSD and know where my shortcomings are but don't know what to do about it.  I have no insurance other than VA, so most treatment is out of the question.  
Yesterday my wife of almost 13 years kicked me out (not the first time), my girls were totally indifferent to the situation, and am living in my truck right now (parked outside motel to use thier internet).  
I have a very hard time communicating, following through, doing more than the minimum needed for simple survival.  I don't want to go home and face a family who I have completely alienated and who have no respect for me and haven't for quite some time, heck, I don't have any respect for me either.
I want to get better and do the right things but at the same time don't feel like being anywhere or doing anything.  Last night I wanted to do nothing but drive till the road ended, no matter what direction it was.  I also have chronic back pain, headaches and problems with both shoulders.  I applied for SS disability but cannot wait and need to work to support my family, just cannot do anything physically demanding.  I am also 52 days clean from pain pills.
I feel like my left foot is nailed to the floor and my right is going at a full run.  I am very afraid, I have done some pretty great things in my life but now look at them like I'm looking at a movie.  Nothing seems very real, other than the mental and physical pain.  I know I need professional help, I know I don't want to lose my family, but am afraid to face either.  I am not sure what I am really asking here, just getting this off my chest, I don't have anyone else to talk to other than my wife and I am sure she is pretty much done with me (both parents dead, brother might as well be and I have lost any friends that I had).

[Salyna]

I too suffer from PTSD.  It sounds like you know that you need medical help.  I know your wife kicked you out - why?  Aside from not providing and giving emotional care, what are arguments about between you and your wife that led to this?

[Salyna]

I shouldn't have hit, "post comment"!  I wasn't done - sorry!  What I'm getting at is you need help, medically, for depression.  You sound like a classic case of it.  If you confided this in your wife and agreed to get help, would she help you?  I know your benefits aren't that great - is this what has stopped you from getting treated for this?  Make payment plans, do whatever, but you have to get yourself well before you can contribute to your family.  Good luck!

[jo929]

the va will give you psyc help also there are places in the state that are free go ask any dhs or call a hot line they will get you psyc help  lots luck   jo

[RebelsHubby]

Thanks for your response.  We are in a very bad financial situation and have both let it go.  I have had this fight with my wife in the past and this is not the first time she kicked me out.  She kicked me out because I have not been there for my family and for me to get my S**T together.  I have to get a commitment finished by sunday to bring money in so we/they can survive, but want to find out if the VA has an inpatient program cause I live 140 miles away from the nearest facility.  

[Salyna]

Please don't give up.  I know that when it rains, it pours.  But I have had some really low spots in my life and something good always came out of it.  If you need to talk, stick around this forum - these people have been there and are here for you.  Check with the VA and see if they can help you with the medical issues and maybe even financially.  I wish there were better benefits out there for our veterans.  Keep me posted, please.

[chigirl29]

Besides the VA for psych care, you can always go to a public mental health department--they even have emergency hotlines if you need help right away.

I hope you get to feeling better soon.

[GoingToMakeIt]

   Hey there. Things will get better. Depression is real common after being clean. Have you looked into amino acid supplements. Check out my journals. I'll be praying for you.