Feelings Normal? Impact of drug changes?

[weaveme]

Hello, this is my first post of any kind ever on a website.  I am 38 yr old male and in the midst of a depression.  I am married with 3 kids.   I was on 10mg of lexapro for 8 years and had a bout with depression in December due to a year of change (lost job, found job, in middle of building house, sold house, moved twice etc).  The dr upped the dosage to 20mgs and I was doing better and even going to therapy.   Because I felt I was at a good place in my life and going to therapy, I went off the meds in early June (mistake).  Well, in late August I hit a wall where some things triggered my anxiety and depression.   I tried Wellbutrin for 2 weeks and it made things worse and then went back on 10mg of Lexapro for two weeks and now 20mg of lexapro for about 2 1/2 weeks.  My symptoms do not seem to be getting better.  I have worse doubts than ever about my marriage (was perfectly happy before), feel disconnected from my kids, lost all drive in doing anything I like, racing thoughts, lack of sleep, lack of appetite, on and on.  All typical signs that something isn't right. I am a very spiritual man and I am honestly getting tired of praying, begging, pleading, thinking, analyzing etc.  I am looking for feedback that says my thoughts and doubts are common even about my marriage AND with the movement of meds, can it take longer than what I am experiencing for the drugs to kick in?  Everything I have read says yes, but I guess I need hopefully some validation to what I am reading.  My wife has been a rock but I shared with her my doubts so now she is scared.  And frankly, so am I.  Men don't reach out as much so I thought maybe there are some of you out there that can relate...men and woman.  Thanks.

[weaveme]

Thanks to all for the support.  I am going back to dr today to get a psychiatrist referral.  It is nice to know I am not the only one that has doubts about my marriage.  I know it will all be ok but I get tired of it.  I won't do anything rash but it sure does consume my thoughts at times.   I was feeling better last night and this morning but now I feel myself creeping backwards again.  So weird.  Oh well.  All will be well soon enough I'm sure.  Thanks to all!

[lyn1586]

u are not alone i have been on medication for 9 years now for depression. i have been with my partner for 5 of these years. when i am feeling well i know how much i love him and things are fine but when i am going through a bad bout i have doubts that eat me up inside and i end up considering ending things but then i start to feel better again and these doubts disappear. it is most likely ur illness playing havoc with ur emotions stick with the medication and seek a psychiatrist advice. dont do anythin rash, easier said than done i know! but try :)

[dwt7let]

Hi
Have faith you are not going mad or insane, but you are infact suffering withdrawals
from your drugs which we are addicted to afer only three months. Symptoms will mimic
depression even causing suicidal thoughts, anxiety.
These drugs are chemicaly mind altering and our bodies get dependant on them.
I know you have had alot of loss etc but you are infact having withdrawal symptoms I am in a support group called CITA look it up on he web they have helped me enormously.
I am six months in from my stupid Dr changing my tablets and am still having withdrawals I was on them 8 years and these tablets are fat soluable which means they take along time to come out of your system.
Good Luck

Lorraine xx

[mammo]

Better will come, I promise.  Take care.

[weaveme]

You are a good woman mammo.  It is actually nice to have a stranger respond to me.  When I am better the doubts go away...I know that.  It just seems like "better" is never coming.  It is interesting as this afternoon and evening so far I have felt some relief.  Maybe your responses was an answer to all my begging and pleading prayers to God.  Thank you.    

[mammo]

Wellbutrin is stimulating, so I can see how this would affect you.  I analyze too much as well, so I can truly understand where you're coming from on this aspect.  It's tough right now to say what feelings are real and what is being caused by your depression.  I do think once your medication kicks in, you will be able to think more clearly and see the whole picture for what it is. You only have a few weeks to wait, and it is worth waiting to make sure you make the right decisions. I know how long 6 weeks can feel  when you are in a deep depression, but you just have to hang on and be patient.  Try to stay busy mentally and physically, keeping your mind distracted.  When we're depressed there is so much that makes no sense to us.  When I lost my son I just wanted everyone to go away and stay away, so not like me!  Then I lost my precious grandson and was afraid to go to bed because I knew when I closed my eyes, I would see his sweet face.  Both times I entertained the idea of suicide, but couldn't do this to my children and grandchildren.  So, you can see just how badly depression can affect our thoughts and actions.  This is not the time to analyze what you are feeling.  You're adding more stress to your situation which you don't need.  Wait a few weeks and if you are still doubting the love for your wife.....start analyzing!  Thank you for your kind words. Take care.

[weaveme]

I would say the doubts started creeping in only after I was sinking into the depression.  It is hard to say though because I started taking the meds too.  However, I question other things just seems like the marriage one is the one that sticks.  Possibly the reason is because right now I want zero responsibility and I know she is wanting me back so I always have on my mind she is waiting and watching.  Which is true to some degree but she has been a huge support too.  The fact I am feeling disconnected from everything should give me some relief that it isn't her but it doesn't seem to at times.    I am on Lexapro as well at 20mg.  I tried Wellbutrin for 2 weeks because I gained weight while on Lexapro originally.  Wellbutrin messed me way up with anxiety.  Then I went back to 10mg of Lexapro for 2 weeks and then 20mg of lexapro for now 2.5 weeks.   The wellbutrin I had for about 3 months as the dr was going to switch me per my request but that was the time I decided to wean myself off all together.  So since I had the prescription I started taking it first.  Lexapro was what worked for 8 years.   The dr said everytime you adjust it could through your body out of whack at first.  So maybe this is what is happening before I get better.   I am an analytical person by nature (I'm a CPA, left brained all the way) so it is hard for me not to "think" about it too much.  My friends, wife, family etc all say i will be ok but man, it is hard to believe during this and with this one hanging on for what seems like forever (6 weeks) it gets tough being positive especially when the children can tell something is wrong with dad.  I read your profile and sorry for all your pain you have had to endure.  

[mammo]

Psychiatrists are much more knowlegable with these types of medications.  It may be that the medication is causing you to have a "numbing" effect.  Did you start to feel like you didn't love your wife before, or just since taking the medications?  This is difficult because if it happened before it could have been your depression, and now your medication.  I would call your doctor and just ask if this is a side effect of the medication.  I take Lexapro, and have never felt this, but we all respond differently to these types of medications.  But you also feel disconnected from your kids, so it could be either one.  Hopefully when your medication kicks in, everything will return to normal for you.  Depression makes us feel like we care about nothing and nobody, so I'm leaning towards it being your depression.  Be patient with yourself and don't put too much thought into this, just give it some time and see how you are feeling.  Take one day at a time, knowing each day is bringing you closer to feeling like your old self again!
You'll be okay.

[weaveme]

Thanks mammo for the response.  I was at the dr Monday of this week and he said to give it another couple of weeks as he just increased it 2 weeks prior.  I am going to a family dr and maybe I need to step it up to a phychiatrist.  I just can not stand these thoughts of my love is not there for my wife!  It doesn't make sense as like I said I was feeling the best ever just 2-3 months ago.   I had a good day Saturday afternoon to Sunday morning and then a good relaxed night Monday night, in bed with my wife.  However, Tuesday on it has been anxiety, doubts, disconnected feeling, all the other symptoms etc.  with most of the thoughts being around where did my love go?  What scares me is that it feels so real in these moments.  Even being through this before it has never been to this degree.  It is very frustrating as you say especially when you are doing everything you are supposed to be doing and it doesn't seem to be getting better.  I thought it was getting better but now I can't seem to think positive about it.  Thanks again for reaching out.

[mammo]

Hi. It can take up to 6 weeks for your medication to reach a therapeutic level.  But I  would contact your doctor regarding this just to be on the safe side, beacuse you are still showing many sign of depression.  The medication reaches it's fullest level in 6 weeks but you should be seeing some improvement.  I'm glad you are reaching out to us as a lot of men will be able to relate to what you are feeling.  There is an unfair pressure put upon men to always be strong, and have the ability to make everything right, keeping them from asking for help when needed.  You've been through a lot, and often there are things that are too big for one person to handle alone.  Don't be afraid, if this medication doesn't work for you, another will.  Unfortunately, it is often trial and error as to what will work best for us, but well worth it once we get it right.  Call your doctor right away and get his opinion on this.  I know it's very frustrating, but you hang in there, and take care.