Found the ability to cry and then lost it again

[freefallin]

When I was a kid and a teenager, I seriously never cried. Not when watching sad movies, not when people died. I just didn't, and I hated it because it made me feel inhuman. Then I fell into a deep depression where I just felt utterly stuck in life and hopeless, and I became a major crier because I guess I didn't know what else to do. I began hysterically crying on average three times a day, the type of crying where you're laying on the floor practically drowning in your own tears and snot. I hated the depression and hopelessness, but I welcomed the crying because I finally felt like a feeling human being. I wished I could control it more instead of bursting into tears in public, but I liked that I could at least cry for once in my life. Now for the past about two weeks, I just can't cry anymore. I feel like I need to, but it's like I physically can't. I'm afraid I'm back to where I started where I am just incapable of crying, and that's very scary because at least the crying gave me some type of relief from my hopeless feelings. Not much but some. Now it's like there's literally nothing I can do to feel even a little bit better. It's like my senses are dulled in general, and the only thing I'm really still capable of feeling is hopelessness and frustration. I can't really empathize with others anymore or anything. I'm just a frustrated, emotionless robot.

I don't think I'm making much sense. I'm so scatterbrained. I'm sorry.

How do you get your ability to cry when you feel like there's nothing else you can do back? Am I just stuck back in robot mode forever? Is this temporary? I'm scared.

[jmparrt14]

I read this and burst into tears. It hits home a little for me thank you for sharing. If you wrote this you have a true talent.

[persephonedemeter]

When the bibolar disorder came into my life with pretty bad depression, I couldn't cry. I've always been in touch with my feelings, and most  of the time, I could handle them. I went through a numb or dead spot or a disconnect. Could have cried but didn't and sometimes, couldn't really feel anything but knew I was miserable. It used to concern me too. I talked to my therapist and my psychiatrist about it. Apparently, it isn't uncommon. How long the "dry spell" lasts depends on a lot of things, and it is one of the things they didn't really give an answer about.

I'm okay now. I'm back to being able to have my eyes tear up watching the Anheuser Busch Clydesdale horse commercials during the Superbowl. I forgot how it happened. I feel pretty in tuned and in sync now.

[Mozxanax]

I cried my hardest as a kid when I was 10 years old. My sister got married in my parents living room. I think I had my first nervous breakdown that day. Of course I couldn't articulate what I felt at that age, but I assume it was feeling abandoned. To me it felt like a death because she was leaving. A woman that lived next door noticed I was upset but my parents never talked to me then or later. The wedding pictures taken caught me in a lot of pain......my parents were good people but they never seemed to realize a child can have a lot feelings to process. It was like that in my family...anger and sadness were no-nos. I think feelings later in life that we can't seem to express through tears or otherwise come from shutting down somewhere in our lives...perhaps years and years of bottling up. It becomes a defense mechanism at times, and other times keeps us from allowing ourselves to feel. This may not similar to your issues but I do believe shutting down emotionally happens a lot. We have to be adults and function after we never learned to be ok having our emotions. My advice is to not beat yourself up for this. I don't know if you re in therapy but that could be a good place to talk about this. Maybe the tears will come in a safe environment like that but if they don't you can still work through the issues and feelings.

[Tessaamelia]

I had a similar issue for a while when I was younger and during my teenage years. No sad movie could make me cry and I could never cry when I really needed to. But there were some exceptions when my anger filled mother would be able to make me cry. I kept a lot to myself and didn't express myself until the depression really kicked in, I'm a bit drugged up most of the time now but when I cry its for no reason and is completely unreasonable, its like a switch gets turned on no matter how okay I was feeling.
When you do start crying think about what triggered it and try let it out in another way. I find drawing and listening to music and drugs helpful in these times. It hurts so much inside but I know if I do positive things that could help then that's what I need to do or the crying and depression takes over me.
Hang in there, you're not alone.

[Bubulous]

Hell is for children, it sure was for me
I first felt the flames at the age of three
At birth I was Larry, I hated that name
My mom calls me Bubby to help hide the shame
When I was eight my uncle found joy
In feeding his hunger on a gifted young boy
What changed that night was my concept of time
Seconds were like hours as he committed his crime
School kids were mean, I wanted to fit in
What about me makes me different than them
“You're nerdy and ugly, your family is poor”
“Look at your clothes, they are faded and tore”
“Why don't you talk, what's your real name”
“Bubby sounds stupid, do you want to play a game”
“Hide in this closet, it will be fun”
I started to cry, I wanted to run
They pushed me inside and barred me in
Seconds were like hours, I feel it again
I was frozen in fear, my screams made no sound
Surrounded by darkness, my heart starts to pound
I never felt so scared and alone
But I felt safer there than when I went home
Mom puts on her makeup, she's itching to fight
She fixes her hair, she's living tonight
I fear her return, the tension's too high
My step dad's been drinking, there’s nowhere to hide
This cycle's not new, I've heard it before
It's about to begin as mom walks through the door
The calm before the storm is over right then
The seconds were like hours, I feel it again
I know where you've been, out whoring around
I hear a commotion, mom falls to the ground
“He hit me kids, I'm calling the cops”
I run in and scream “daddy please stop!”
“Go to your room, you’re not my son”
The sirens get closer, dad starts to run
“Daddy don't leave, I'm sorry I swear”
I beg him to stay but he doesn't care
My concept of love was altered that day
I began not to care when he went away
From the endless abuse my heart turned to stone
I began isolating, confused and alone
The onset of my illness gave me a lift
A powerful mind, my genetic gift
My stone heart caught fire, my brain was switched on
Mania kicked in and the fear was gone
I met a sweet girl, I had a new mission
I found a new game, it's kind of like fishing
I wait for the girls swimming around
In a lake of depression, their defense is down
I cast out my line then patiently wait
Time does not matter, you will spot the bait
An entrancing lure, don't let down your guard
It's Turkish delight, you're gonna fall hard
I'll make you feel love like you've never known
Complicated pain, your mind will be blown
I'll pull you from the lake and put your head in the clouds
You'll think I'm an angel until I drag you back down
By the time you are grounded your heart will be scarred
It was bipolar love, of course it was hard
Although you were burned by the heat of the flame
Don't give up on love or take any blame
You couldn't have known when I reeled you in
I'd rip your fins off and throw you back in
Most people call it love but I call it pain
To me there is no difference, they both do the same
 

[Bubulous]

You are never back where you started.  You have made progress as a spirit and a human.
I think that you have an interesting but treatable condition.  I have some experience with wanting to feel and not being able to but let me share something.