I'm currently in a relationship with a girl that I truely love. The thing is, that she is almost 18 and suffering from a depression and she as many of you would guess, is having a hard time of her life.
She have been taking getting meds and gotten professional help against it for alittle more than a moth.
But here comes the problem. Now that she has gotten depressed, she is having a hard time "loving me", and having the "right feelings" for me which makes her really sad, because she thinks i'm perfect for her. She have thoughts, that it might be best to break up for her own best, and because she thinks that she is wasting my time, but as soon as we are together and enjoying eachother, she realises that she don't want to be without me. (though she doesn't love me)
The psychologist advices her to break up with me (which is why she have been having thoughts about it), because she believes that she needs to focus on herself only, and i think that it is somewhat true. She is using to much energi on thinking about this relationship instead of just enjoying it. I know that you can't love anyone until you learn to love yourself.
I'm just relatively sure, that if we break up, she will get ALOT worse, because then she will be completely alone. And 100% will she miss me.
She have got only 1 good friend, but they only hang out in school. So she will be alone each day if we break up.
So my question is forum. Shall i break up with her, now that she can't, though it might be best for her? and hope that it will actually help, and hope to togehter with her when she gets better.
Or shall i do what i believe is right, and stay with her and do what i can to help her, now that she needs me the most?
Hi. You show a lot of maturity in trying to do what is best for your girlfriend. I have to agree with her psychologist that for now she needs to concentrate on getting herself to a better place emotionally before she can be in a loving relationship. You don't know what is being said during her visits and she may be feeling even more over-whelmed by trying to make her relationship work with you. She may not even know what she feels right now and although you may help her get through this...in the end it may not be you she wants. You wanting to help her is commendable but it also may be clouding her thoughts, and not helping her to sort through everything. She knows how to reach you so do what is best for her and give her time and space, should she need you, you're only a phone call away. I know this is very difficult for you to do, but it's best for you and her right now. She'll be okay and probably better able to sort through everything that is weighing on her. Again, I feel it's wonderful that you want to be there for her, but sometimes it's better for the other person if given some space and time. Do what's right for her and take it one day at a time.
Thank you so much for the reply.
I will try and talk to her about this soon, and hear what she feels about the idea. I believe that you are right in what you say, and I might be causing more trouble than solving.
I will try and help her more as a friend than boyfriend, and perhaps when the depression has passed, or when she feels better, we can consider getting back together. By then she will also be able to figure out, if it is I that she want.
What shall I do if she calls me, and wants me to come over? Shall i stop her from kissing me and such? Or is it okay when it is her that initiates?
coming from a personal experience... the best thing you can do for her atm is be strong for her and commit to working through whatever happens.... sometimes this will make her feel like she's not worth your time.... but if you can work through negative thought patterns... and ESPECIALLY communications of feelings verbally and openness (which is so unbelievably hard for people in her situation) ... then it helps too. When she starts to back off, that's also when you need to encourage her to keep going. I know she needs to focus on getting better... but losing you in all honestly would make it worse ... if she closes off from you and she's in a relationship with you, what is stopping her from closing off from all her family. But all these decisions are really up to you two... i suggest that you have a long talk about it, how she feels about it, why the psycologist is suggesting it ( her health or does she think there is actually something your doing which is making it worse) If the psycologist has advice it because of your actions, then maybe talk through how you can help prevent triggers to negative thoughts... but often times these will happen with or without your help.
I know it's a really hard situation but people can get through it, if you want any more help i'm so willing to help.. so you can message me. Just be there for her... and sometimes she'll think she's not worth it, but if your sure she is... encourage her to keep going, be open and help her be open and feel safe with you.... sorry i hope this helps
I'm really glad that you are willing to help, especially when speaking from experience. It isn't always easy to understand a depression, so some insider knowlegde is awesome.
- When you say that I should be strong for her, and be there. Do you then mean as a couple, or as a friend? I would of course rather be with her as her boyfriend, and she would the same. We both believe that the only reason she can't love me, is due to the depression and meds. But she of cource, can't promise me anything. (but i'm saying to myself that there was a reason we got in the relationship in the first place)
We have talked though this a couple of times, and we are both clueless on what would be best for her. Neither of us wants to break up, but we both wants what is best for her.
She is actually, as you mentioned closing alittle off from her family, because they really do not understand her, and her situation. Which is really sad, because they aswell should try to understand it aswell as I. (another reason that i don't think i should break up, she won't even have her family to comfort her)
I'm quite sure that the reason that the psycologist said she should breake it off with me, is because she sometimes feel alittle stressed about us.
For example, i told her that my mother would by her a present for christmas, aswell as her parents are going to give me one.
Then she got really stressed and told me to tell them that they really shouldn't do that.
- The reason for this is most likely because she ain't 100% sure that we are going to be together in the future, and she don't want to "hurt" my family, but she was fine with her parents giving me a present.
- Also she haven't meet my entire family, so when she meets new people, she is totally fine at first. But when she gets home alone, and is able to think, she feels stressed again. Because we are getting more and more serious, and the commitment is bigger
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