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HELP - marriage breaking up, depression, ADD
Help! I'm at my wits end and don't know what to do. And I think my friends/family have just flat out run out of advice for me too..
I am 31 year old woman and married just under a year. I have been with my partner/husband now for a total of 5 years.
In that time we've had some ups and downs and lots of emotional times. Lots of fighting, bickering, arguing to extreme levels. I feel our relationship is now totally toxic. When we are being civil toward one another it is just like brother and sister almost, not like husband and wife and there is no love, passion or anything of that sort.
Prior to our wedding we had relationship counselling for several months which helped immensely but due to jobs we had to move overseas and could no longer see her. I had also had personal 1 on 1 counselling and could not see her anymore either. We are now living in a country where they don't speak english so it would be a challenge to find an affordable counsellor that also speaks english so I never looked into it. We have been here 6 months now which has also put a greater strain on our (newly) married life.
The problem I feel is that we are both suffering various mental illnesses which I'm more than willing to admit. I have had long term mild depression, anxiety and OCD. And now I feel I may have a bit of bi-polar too.
The problem with my husband is that he feels he is perfect and unwilling to admit anything is wrong (typical macho male). He is 34.
Recently I have come to the conclusion that he has adult ADD/ADHD. I have read extensively on this and I know I'm no doctor or medical professional but I really feel he has this. It describes him to a tee, and stuff his parents have told me about his childhood also seem to pinpoint that he had this problem as a child.
It drives me up the wall because i ask him to do simple things for me and forgets ALL THE TIME. Then I'll remind him and he'll say I'm nagging, then of course we end up in a big fight. So I can't win. I don't nag and he will constantly forget, I do nag and we argue. He just can't see it as my point of view. He says they are just 'mistakes' and eveyrone makes them. But he makes them far too frequently. He is constnatly leaving personal belongings behind in hotels for example. I feel he is NEVER learning from his mistakes and doesnt ever feel bad for doing them and does them over and over again. I feel like he is a child sometimes.
He cannot concentrate on anything apart from tv for a long period of time. HE likes to keep fit and exercise but when we went to teh gym together he would use a machine only for a minute or so!! whereas most people including myself would be on there for 10, 20, 30 or more minutes per machine.
It seemes like he can never focus on anything for more htan a few seconds or minutes. He tries to study but spends teh whole time watching tv, with just the book in his lap and glancing at it for a few seconds at a time.
This kind of behaviour frustrates me to no end.
He is also extremely messy and then blames me for a messy house.
As well as the ADD symptoms he is constantly criticizing me (knowing full well I have depression and had seen a counsellor for about 9 months straight prior to moving here) , belittling me, calling me lazy, unmotivated with no passion. He expects so much from me and can't be supportive and is criticizing me for not being supportive of him etc etc.
I don't know what to do , I have so much going on in my head . I have constant insomnia and if i can fall asleep I wake up 4-5 or more itmes during the night, each time also finding it hard to fall back asleep again.
I can't function normally cos i'm so depressed. I can't get a job or clean the house or cook and of course then the cycle goes around a gain because he complains about this.
I jsut don't know what to???? help!!
-- depressed :(
I am 31 year old woman and married just under a year. I have been with my partner/husband now for a total of 5 years.
In that time we've had some ups and downs and lots of emotional times. Lots of fighting, bickering, arguing to extreme levels. I feel our relationship is now totally toxic. When we are being civil toward one another it is just like brother and sister almost, not like husband and wife and there is no love, passion or anything of that sort.
Prior to our wedding we had relationship counselling for several months which helped immensely but due to jobs we had to move overseas and could no longer see her. I had also had personal 1 on 1 counselling and could not see her anymore either. We are now living in a country where they don't speak english so it would be a challenge to find an affordable counsellor that also speaks english so I never looked into it. We have been here 6 months now which has also put a greater strain on our (newly) married life.
The problem I feel is that we are both suffering various mental illnesses which I'm more than willing to admit. I have had long term mild depression, anxiety and OCD. And now I feel I may have a bit of bi-polar too.
The problem with my husband is that he feels he is perfect and unwilling to admit anything is wrong (typical macho male). He is 34.
Recently I have come to the conclusion that he has adult ADD/ADHD. I have read extensively on this and I know I'm no doctor or medical professional but I really feel he has this. It describes him to a tee, and stuff his parents have told me about his childhood also seem to pinpoint that he had this problem as a child.
It drives me up the wall because i ask him to do simple things for me and forgets ALL THE TIME. Then I'll remind him and he'll say I'm nagging, then of course we end up in a big fight. So I can't win. I don't nag and he will constantly forget, I do nag and we argue. He just can't see it as my point of view. He says they are just 'mistakes' and eveyrone makes them. But he makes them far too frequently. He is constnatly leaving personal belongings behind in hotels for example. I feel he is NEVER learning from his mistakes and doesnt ever feel bad for doing them and does them over and over again. I feel like he is a child sometimes.
He cannot concentrate on anything apart from tv for a long period of time. HE likes to keep fit and exercise but when we went to teh gym together he would use a machine only for a minute or so!! whereas most people including myself would be on there for 10, 20, 30 or more minutes per machine.
It seemes like he can never focus on anything for more htan a few seconds or minutes. He tries to study but spends teh whole time watching tv, with just the book in his lap and glancing at it for a few seconds at a time.
This kind of behaviour frustrates me to no end.
He is also extremely messy and then blames me for a messy house.
As well as the ADD symptoms he is constantly criticizing me (knowing full well I have depression and had seen a counsellor for about 9 months straight prior to moving here) , belittling me, calling me lazy, unmotivated with no passion. He expects so much from me and can't be supportive and is criticizing me for not being supportive of him etc etc.
I don't know what to do , I have so much going on in my head . I have constant insomnia and if i can fall asleep I wake up 4-5 or more itmes during the night, each time also finding it hard to fall back asleep again.
I can't function normally cos i'm so depressed. I can't get a job or clean the house or cook and of course then the cycle goes around a gain because he complains about this.
I jsut don't know what to???? help!!
-- depressed :(
Lay down the law and tell him to get help or you are outta there.I would suggest therapy and or marriage counsleing. did he behave this way while you were living together? I wish you luck.
Love Venora
Love Venora
Here is a forum .I believe it may help you out.It will be held through a software called Team Speak, which is a quality, scalable application which enables people to speak with one another over the Internet.
E-Talks on “the cure to OCD and depression,social phobia, ”
Purpose: To help those who have been suffering from social phobia, OCD and depression, gain better understanding about themselves and the situation they’ve been through, as well as the forum to be more informative and diversified.
Speaker: Mr.Hei Xi,a famous psychologist whose thought orignated from oriental philosophy,and the founder of Hei Xi Psychological Counseling Center in Shang Hai, who has graduated from psychological college of Chinese Medical University , as well as suffered from social phobia, OCD and depression himself for more than 10 years .
Highlights:
Mr. Hei Xi makes use of oriental philosophy therapy, such as Buddhism, Taoism, Zen, Morita Therapy. By going through those philosophy, he realized that such self-low-esteem complex can never be removed forcibly. “But when we fully accept it, just let it be, it will disappear magically”. (Counter Therapy)
Based on Mr. Hei Xi’s more than 10 years’ research findings and experiences gained from the treatment process, he came up with his own so-called Easten or Natural Therapy. For instance, the treatment of Social Phobia, which includes 2 principles:
“ Principle 1:
The correction of low self-esteem (inferiority complex), and the build-up of self-confidence, namely “total acceptance of yourself”, In Eastern Philosophy Therapy, it is called “Original Form” or “to do nothing”, it is the root-removing principle.
Principle 2:
Behavioral Therapy, Exposure Therapy, Desensitization Therapy and NLP etc. A large amount of social practice can quickly remove the symptoms. It is symptom-removing principle.”
“The difference between eastern therapy and western therapy is like the difference between Chinese medication and western medication.”
Time: GMT 12:00-2:00 PM, December 10th, 2007 (Monday)
Platform: This forum will be held through a software called Team Speak, which is a quality, scalable application which enables people to speak with one another over the Internet.
Go to http://www.goteamspeak.com/, download the free client software, and connect to server’s address at: ts1.teamspeak.com.cn:8770
If you’re interested to participate, or for further information, please don’t hesitate to contact us at:
MSN: heixi_madeline
skype: zaraliu
E-Talks on “the cure to OCD and depression,social phobia, ”
Purpose: To help those who have been suffering from social phobia, OCD and depression, gain better understanding about themselves and the situation they’ve been through, as well as the forum to be more informative and diversified.
Speaker: Mr.Hei Xi,a famous psychologist whose thought orignated from oriental philosophy,and the founder of Hei Xi Psychological Counseling Center in Shang Hai, who has graduated from psychological college of Chinese Medical University , as well as suffered from social phobia, OCD and depression himself for more than 10 years .
Highlights:
Mr. Hei Xi makes use of oriental philosophy therapy, such as Buddhism, Taoism, Zen, Morita Therapy. By going through those philosophy, he realized that such self-low-esteem complex can never be removed forcibly. “But when we fully accept it, just let it be, it will disappear magically”. (Counter Therapy)
Based on Mr. Hei Xi’s more than 10 years’ research findings and experiences gained from the treatment process, he came up with his own so-called Easten or Natural Therapy. For instance, the treatment of Social Phobia, which includes 2 principles:
“ Principle 1:
The correction of low self-esteem (inferiority complex), and the build-up of self-confidence, namely “total acceptance of yourself”, In Eastern Philosophy Therapy, it is called “Original Form” or “to do nothing”, it is the root-removing principle.
Principle 2:
Behavioral Therapy, Exposure Therapy, Desensitization Therapy and NLP etc. A large amount of social practice can quickly remove the symptoms. It is symptom-removing principle.”
“The difference between eastern therapy and western therapy is like the difference between Chinese medication and western medication.”
Time: GMT 12:00-2:00 PM, December 10th, 2007 (Monday)
Platform: This forum will be held through a software called Team Speak, which is a quality, scalable application which enables people to speak with one another over the Internet.
Go to http://www.goteamspeak.com/, download the free client software, and connect to server’s address at: ts1.teamspeak.com.cn:8770
If you’re interested to participate, or for further information, please don’t hesitate to contact us at:
MSN: heixi_madeline
skype: zaraliu
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