Having issues with death

[Unsure0101]

So my dad, who I was absolutely crazy about, died of lung cancer when I was 22. I took care of him and was there when the docs told him there was nothing else they can do. I just broke down in the docs office and remember thinking how could they say that? What assholes! Well, my dad died about 2 months after that and I started drinking and having self destructive behavior for about 3 years after. I didn't care about anything especially myself. I was on Lexapro and I think it helped somewhat. So I got a dog, a great dane, about 3 years later. He was my buddy and I loved him like a person. He was a person to me. Of course he ended up getting cancer and I did everything I could to keep him with me. Had surgery, chemo and radiation but had to let him go in Dec. 06. The same month my dad died. Its now June 07 and I'm back to the drinking and just not wanting to get outta bed. I can sleep 20 hours a day I kid you not. From Sept.06 to now I work maybe 2-3 days a week. Mainly because I wanted to spend time with him. I now have zero energy and really hate life. I know it's hard for ppl to realize the loss of a pet, but I still have folks asking about him. He went everywhere with me. I miss him so much. I'm 33 yrs old and I have nothing to look foreward to. I tricked a doc into prescribing me adderall so I can at least perk up to get outta bed. I am not ADD or ADHD. So now I'm drinking and taking Adderall to get through my days. What advice does anyone have to get through this slump? I am a very sad person. Can I still take the Adderall and some type of antidepressent?  Even though the adderall is for energy only? I don't get why the things I love have to die such awful deaths. Am I just a cursed person. Is this the cross I have to bear? Should I seek professional help? I hate this and will appreciate any advice.

[1 blue]

just sending hugs and support your way.  I feel your depression.  Keep reaching out for help until you get it.

[pofdog]

Yes...please get some help. It is free and painless to call your local county mental health department and tell them what you have wrote on here. There is nothing to be ashamed of.  The only shame is when you know you have a problem and don't reach out for help.  You have taken a good step here.
    You need to know that you are not alone and there are people like us that understand and many have been or are exactly where you are at.  Also know that that during greif and depression, we sometimes don't want to hear it, but there are those out there ALOT worse off.  Sometimes helping others helps us even more than we can help ourselves. Good luck.

[dlr2007]

Hi- This is the 1st time I ever went on this forum- I'm sitting here having my coffee and I usually go on onother forum for a medical issue, but I'm so glad I saw your post. I relate EXACTLY to how you're feeling. I'm really sorry about your Dad and your dog. Life can be so cruel sometimes, it's hard to understand why these things happen. I have no answer for that of course, but I can tell you that I went through the same selfdestructive behavior and depression. What started it was a very difficult breakup with the father of my kids- I found myself alone with 2 kids after being in a very difficult relationship for 9 years. I first felt the lack of motivation and sadness then- I remember sometimes I would have a good day, and I was afraid of that because it was so much more painful when I came crashing back down into my usual depression. I did nothing about it, just thought I had to "snap out of it". Then the s**t really hit the fan- the father of my kids died from a drug overdose. I found him, it was awful, he'd been dead for days, and after that I was off and running on a mission to self-destruct. I blamed myself for his death- thought I should've helped him more (but I had drug problems in the past too and didn't want to get too close to the drug world).
  For three years I drank, went out with the wrong guys and even had a brief and horrible marriage to a very disturbed man, and rather than going back to "street" drugs, I became addicted to prescription narcotics. When I was high on them was the only time I felt "normal"- I could enjoy my kids and feel good and just be motivated to do regular stuff like clean my house. It didn't take long until I couldn't go without the pills at all.
  FINALLY I got so tired of the guilt and fear of dying like my kids father, I got some help. Counseling and medication have worked miracles in my life. Sometimes we just can't "get over it" without help. Please do yourself a favor and make an appointment to talk to a counselor. You could go to a subtance abuse couselor because of your drinking and Aderal (spelling?) abuse. Or you could go to a regular phsyciatrist. Just make sure it's not someone who is completely against antidepressants, cause you might need one. I know Prozac helped me a lot. You're not alone in the way you feel, but it is time to get some help. You will always feel sad when you remember your Dad and your dog, but eventually you will get to a point where your grief will not be taking up your whole life. You'll be able to laugh and enjoy life again- believe me, I know! I'll check back for more posts from you to see how you're doing. Hang in there, get some help and it'll get better.
  Best wishes and prayers,
  Dee

[calgary67]

How sad that you have lost the two most important 'people' in your life.  I have a dog so I know what you mean.  I would suggest that you find a support group and I know in my city they have a "Grief Support Group" that runs out of a hospital.  You are on a slippery slope and must take control of your emotions.  If you can find a good psychologist, that would be good.  What about a good friend to share your troubles with.  You probably feel so alone.  Keep me posted on how you are doing.
Mary Ann