How do I get better?

[acacia1234]

I'm just at a point in my adult life where I am at a loss. Growing up, my home life had a lot of mental, emotional, and physical abuse done by my Mom. She was very controlling and manipulative. It was pretty awful. When my parents were getting a divorce I was beaten up in one way or another by her. I slept on a deflated air mattress for a long time and would be awakened by her screaming drunkenly about something and I would get kicked. I really do think she hated me at that point and I don't know why. I know at one point in her life she was molested. She would actually accused me of being a sexual predator because I pet a cat's tail. She also would use her religion as an excuse to behave and treat me with way she did. When I was in an abusive relationship with my ex she knew he would put his hands on me but instead of being there for me she made it worse. She would threaten to kick me out and she would beat me for completely invalid reasons. I really had no one but I managed to get out of that relationship and leave my Mom's house. It all became too much. When I met my fiancee later on he was a dream come true. When I introduced her to him it was like night and day. Suddenly she wanted to be friends and it all seemed normal until she started drinking. One time when we were all together my Mom had drank a few hard lemonades and then pulled me aside and started talking about how "I hate my ******* life, I want to kill myself". I ended up crying after we left. Why would she do that??

Lately I have been feeling depressed and I want to get therapy to work out my problems but my fiancee thinks only weak people seek help like that and that I should just deal with it on my own. He was in the USMC and he has this ideology of suck it up and deal with your problems like a man but I'm 26 now, I want help so that history doesn't repeat itself. What should I do? I don't want problems with my fiancee but I don't want to turn out like my Mom.

[slim_runderpants1009]

I'm sorry to hear that you had to go through all of that, it is something nobody should go through. I feel that you are a very brave person to have battled that. Therapy should not be regarded for "weak" people, infact you have to be a lot stronger to have faced upto your problems and to talk to a stranger about personal issues.. I dont think that is considered weak. I understand how you feel when you get told to "suck it up", I feel that people in particular men have a hard time relating to someone who is depressed unless they have experienced it themselves as they do not know how hard it is and usually just regard it as something that you can snap out of, of which you cannot do without some form of professional help. I feel that you should consider very much so going to therapy and maybe taking along your fiancee as even though he may not agree or tell you to suck it up he may understand depression a lot more if he were to tag along and listen to what the therapist says. Trust me you WILL NOT end up like your mum, honestly this is the truth. The best thing to do is explain to your fiancee about depression. If that does not work then you should definately take him to a therapy session, of which I feel you would benefit from. Have you considered seeing a Dr about how you feel, maybe he can suggest referring you to therapy; which will basically tell your fiancee that there is something wrong here because you have been seen by a medical profession. Again you could ask him to go to the Dr's appointment so that he can have the term explained to him and how you cannot just snap out of being in a depressed mood.

[Pippi1996]

Honey, I can relate with you in so many ways.  I grew up in a household were drugs and alcohol was more present than food.  My father was a belligerent drunk (still is).  He spent most of his money on booze and drugs ranging from marijuana to crack.  He ruined many days and special occasions i.e.- my graduation, holidays, birthdays, etc.  He was always beating my *** for something.  He had many fits of rage.  He would blow up at a drop of a hat.  My parents would argue, fight, and throw stuff as if they were the only ones in that house and not with two daughters there witnessing the whole thing, trapped in the middle.  Going to bed many nights hungry because my father would rather spend his money on drugs instead of feed his kids.  My grandparents were my refuge in a way.  If not for them, my sister and I would have starved to death.  Staying with them sometimes was bittersweet.  My grandparents were amazing and I loved being with them.  They did the best they could raising four of their grandkids after raising 15 of their own kids.  Although I loved being with my grandparents I did suffer sexual abuse from my cousin under their roof.  From the age of 4yrs old up till the age of 13.  When I was about 10 years old, just before the birth of my sister, my parents found out.  That was horrifying.  My other cousin finally told.  My mom yelled at me and blamed me for letting it happen and for not telling.  She yelled at my cousin for doing it.  Charges wasn't pressed or anything.  It was swept under the rug like nothing happened and I had to look my abuser/rapist in the face until he was finally banned from our town for attempting to molest other girls.  Having to grow up hiding the physical, emotional, and sexual abuse from others and acting like everything was okay was the hardest.  I am 31y/o now and I never been on a date, had a boyfriend, and never been kissed.  I would love to be able to have and do all those things but it seems impossible. it frightens the heck out of me.  I avoid all situations that may lead to that.  I am overweight and I don't wear make-up or dress even nice.  I go to work at walmart and I come home.  The closest I've come to a love life is all the romance novels I read. I have a great disgust for myself. I can barely look myself in the mirror without liking what I see.  I cry everday because I feel so low about myself and my life.   I would have thought I would have achieved more in my life.  I was a straight A student and voted most likely to succeed.  I went into the military after high school and served for 6 years.  I got out in 2002 and was at a lose as to what to do.  Somehow I ended up at a dead end job.  My father does not even know I am living in the same state he is.  I finally began therapy.  I had my first session last week.  It was okay and I am looking forward to future sessions.  I know it's going to be hard but it can't be any worse than hating myself.  I to had the mentality of just "suck it up and get over it."   I don't know if it's a military thing or what.  It's more complicated than that.  Everyone needs help in life, one way or the other.  I finally convinced myself of this.  Hearing that my old classmates and my friends have gotten married and have families of their own made me look at my life and realize how lonely and unhealthy my life is.  I don't want to cause any trouble between you and your fiancee but if he loves you, he would understand and support you in everyway in seeking help.  Try talking to him again and really make him understand how important it is for you to talk to a professional about your problems.  And really make him understand that seeking counseling is not a sign of weakness but of strength.  It's takes a brave person to admit they have a problem and seek help than someone who goes through life thinking they are the best thing since slice bread and/or living in denial.  I to understand how important it is for me and you to break the cycle of abuse.  You have to do what is right for you.  In the end, you will have to live with the choices you make in life, with or without a fiancee.        

[mammo]

I'm married to an ex Marine as well and he used to feel this way, and I had to teach him about all this.  You need to seek help with all you've endured, you've had a horrible life and need to talk to a specialist  about it.  Sit down and talk to your fiance and if he truly loves you, he will understand that this is much too big for you to handle by yourself.  He just doesn't understand this type of thing, just doesn't get it.  Explain this to him, and that you will be getting help. If you don't, it will stay with you and result in depression and /or anxiety which will open up a new can of worms for you.  You have to think about YOU right now, and what is best for you.  You need to feel good about yourself in order to be a good wife and mother, and help is the only way.  You're very bright in realizing that you need help, that's half the battle!  You asked your mom why she said what she did to you, and I feel it was her way of finally reaching out to you, and this tells why she treated you so badly.  She has her own demons, hates her life and has been self-medicating with alcohol to forget her pain.  This doesn't make it right, but it explains a lot.  Alcoholics can be very mean to the ones they love most, causing life long issue with their children if they don't seek help.  Get yourself in a better place with all this, then maybe talk to your mom about AA and getting help.  She has been living a very unhappy life and taking it out on you.  Don't let her actions define who and what you are, you did nothing wrong, and was abused, which was wrong on your mother's part.  It's time for you now, time to do what will make you happy, and get you to a happier point in life so you can move on from all this.  You now have choices, and learning to leave this abuse in the past means you will no longer be a "victim" of her actions.  You deserve a happy life, which you never had.  Get the help you need, it's truly about you right now.  Know you're not alone, a lot of us have suffered thru some type of abuse as children.  Stay strong and do what you have to do.  Take care.