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How to handling gf with depression

Hey I could use some insight on this.My gf of 3 and ahalf years is suffering from clinical or major depression(i do not know which) but I m curious why do people that are suffering  from depression push others away?

is this a defense thing or what? can you salvage a relationship after or during depression?
insight would be liked.
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480448 tn?1426948538
Hello and welcome!

Glad this thread gave you some insight.  Please do not hesitate to start your OWN new thread if you'd like to discuss your personal situation and get some feedback. We're here to listen!

To start a new thread, click here:

http://www.medhelp.org/posts/new_with_new_subject?forum_id=57

Good luck to you!

Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
Wow.  This really helped me out right now.  Glad I came across this.  Having troubles of my own with my current gf.  She's finally seeking help but we're at the lowest we've ever been.  Currently on a break, I'm worried we're headed towards a break up.  It's hard to understand why she's pushing me away, especially if she says she still loves me.  Our one year anniversary is in 3 weeks, so that just makes it a little harder.  I'm trying to give her the space she needs, but it's difficult not being able to help someone you care about.  
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480448 tn?1426948538
Well, honey, depression aside, it doesn't sound like your BF is very nice to you.  Fighting is normal in every relationship, but it sounds like he is nit-picking you.  It sounds as though he does a lot of putting you down.  NO ONE needs that, but certainly not someone depressed and in a fragile state of mind.

A good friend of mine here always says the following about relationships, and it's so wise...

We date to find the RIGHT person for us.  They're not always going to be "the one".  So, set your bar high, and demand for yourself that you're treated with respect, and give the same back.

I think you really need to reevaluate the relationship and determine if he's treating you in a way you deserve to be treated.  Sometimes, especially when one suffers from depression or anxiety, it's best that we just "do us" for a while, as it's hard enough to deal with day to day life with that going on, adding the stresses of a relationship can be too much, and it's not fair to either party involved.

Hope that helps...do some soul searching.  If you think he's treating you poorly, if you truly cannot identify an issue that you are attributing to that would explain his behavior, then I would advise you to move on, get YOURSELF to a better place, then you can start thinking about resuming the search for Mr. Right.

Good luck to you dear.  Keep in touch!
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Avatar universal
im suffering from depressive disorder. my bf always argues with me. he fights with me that i make stupid mistakes but i never make mistakes on purpose. i only try to help him but my help ruins everything. he fights with me cause i dont ask him how his day was or because i am never able to judge if he is sad or not. he knows everything but yet he doesnt understand me. sometimes i want to be alone and he just creates a big fight over it. what should i do ? can any one help me ? please
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Avatar universal
I am going through the same thing with my new boyfriend of THREE weeks, the first two weeks were great, then BAM....he told me he was laying in the dark, and from there he went on a spiral...I am a very emotional person, and very sensitive, and have been really  hurt in the past, so I have serious anxiety...so this sent ME tumbling down, and devestated.  Finally this morning, he texted me...and I went to see him..and he seemed back to normal.  I feel so selfish for not understanding, even though I didn't know.  I don't know how to ask him if he has MMD...however, he takes Lexapro, so I KNOW he has an illness.  I really care for him...and I have my own emotional and psychological issues, and I am scared.  
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Avatar universal
Thanks NG,the odd thing was to me was at the end she said after she gets better she would like to give it another try,so yea but in the meantime I m getting my OCD/HIV/and syringe phobias under control.
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480448 tn?1426948538
I understand what you were saying, and of course we would never encouarge someone to leave their loved one because they are depressed or having issues.  Sometimes, people get SO caught up in others' issues and problems that they neglect themselves, and I think that is exactly what happened with michael.  He dove into wanting to basically "save" his GF, give his "all" to help her get better, and in the meantime, he started suffering with some of his own emotional issues, which he probably just swept under the rug.

Him breaking off the romantic relationship may have indeed been a bit of a blow to her, but maybe, like brice said...it will be a "bottom" of sorts for her and she will finally seek the help she obviously needs.  Up til now, it had been months of the same thing...nothing, pretty much.  She would never have gotten better that way.  Also, I don't think at this point, they could consider themselves "boyfriend'girlfriend" anyway...just due to the circumstances.  In a sense, their relationship as they knew it had already ended a while ago, no one just came out and said it.

I understand that you didn't necessarily have all of the info in this situation.  There are other threads where we were discussing this same situation.  I just wanted to be very clear that NO ONE is ever accountable for other people's decisions, especially when it comes to something like suicide.  There is enough guilt for loved ones of a person who takes their own life...without expressing that.  Even if michael was a heartless and cruel jerk and left her because she was depressed, it still wouldn't be his fault.  And btw, your English is just fine.

And brice...I loved this statement you made....."Oooh yeah, being "someones reason to live" screams dysfunction, dependency, and about 100 other things."  SO true!

Michael...just be cautious.  Your GF is going through a range of emotions, and now that you've made the decision to end your romance, she may be filled with a lot of regrets.  Don't let her play with your emotions...stick to your bottom line...that you will be there for her WHEN she decides to get help.  I like the addiction comparison...situations like this are very similar in a lot of ways.

I've been in deep dark places before, and most certainly, during those times, I wasn't always the wife, mom and friend I knew I could be, BUT, I will never use my emotional issues and disorders as an excuse to behave poorly.  Unfortunately, while we're depressed or anxious, life around us goes on...and even if we HATE every second of it...we have a responsibility to those who love us to at least TRY.
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Avatar universal
I do to,thats why it tore me up so much
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2216810 tn?1420856876
im sorry too.i just tried to give my oppinion for ur case,but at all it's your decision.i hope ur gf will get better ,because living with depression its bad feeling that may exist,and without help of others it may be destructive.i wish her the best
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Avatar universal
I am sorry that you did not get the whole intel briefing on this issue
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Avatar universal
Thank you,i m going to be supportive. The thing that hit me the most when this MD hit her was in the past 3.5 yrs i ve known her I never saw it( int eh convo we had she told me that she had mini bouts but hid them)if thats true she did a great job of it.She told me her last major bout of it was right before we met,so i was in the dark.She told me she had MD but I did not think anything of it at the time bc come on who isnt depressed someitmes,I thought she was being dramatic.As Anne Shellfeld put I am suffering from depression fallout
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2216810 tn?1420856876
at first im sorry for my bad english,i'm not blaming him for her suicide,but just if she has no one to support her,separation can be very big blow for her.i didn't knew that they are in other states and they didn't talk for months,it's their problem,but in case with a depressed person,her loved one should be very careful because its so easy to leave her in the most difficult days of her life.i think she need a hand to take her up,not to push down more and more till she'll get enough
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Avatar universal
Michael, I think you made the right move.  If she isn't getting help, she needs to.  I liken depression to dependency/addiction.  The depressed will only get help when they "hit bottom".  It's sad, but until then, there is little you can do.... as you well know now.

Maybe this is her bottom... maybe she uses this as a motivational factor to find herself some help, but SHE has to do this.  You cannot be everything she wants you to be.  Impossible....  

It sounds like she has a few issues and a professional can help her with all of that.  You deserve the right to have/lead a normal life, and you need to be able to address any issues that you need to deal with.  You deserve a bit of normalcy, don't you?

You cannot hold yourself responsible for anything that happens from this point forward.  You played your cards, and she needs to get a handle on things.  I just wonder what 'being a friend" for her right now might do?  Will it complicate things?  Will she try to "guilt trip" you into something?  Who knows....

Again, I think you did the right thing.
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Avatar universal
She just called me back(crying and all)saying that yea she is messed up and she was sorry for dragging through this and how unfair it is to me. She told me she is going to try to get help and that she really loved the supprot(she really beat herself up basically) after she gets better she hopes that i can forgive her and see what happens and I know shes not the suicidal sort
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Avatar universal
Oooh yeah, being "someones reason to live" screams dysfunction, dependency, and about 100 other things.  I agree with nursegirl...

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2216810 tn?1420856876
maybe your gf doesn't want to be weak in front of you,or i don't know...try to take her in quite and relax places, tell her that you love her and she means  a lot to you,make her return in self-confidence, just help her return in normal life step by step
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480448 tn?1426948538
Good for you, Michael.  I'm sure it wasn't easy...but really, you've done all you can.  You can't force someone to get the help they need.  I hope she does reach out to a professional.  Nothing that is happening to her is on you...remember that.  All you did is love her and support her, you needed to think of yourself for a change.

I'm wishing and hoping that once she gets better, the two of you can reconnect on some level.  If not romantically, then at least as good friends.  She knows you care and support her.  
Helpful - 0
480448 tn?1426948538
I could not disagree more!!!  For one, NO ONE should be another's reason for living and we are not responsible for other people's actions.  Your post basically insinuates that if his gf commits suicide, it's michael's fault.  Baloney.  

We can support our loved ones through a rough time, but we cannot be their reason for living...that couldn't be more unhealthy.  Which, isn't the case here anyway, because if he was her reason for living, she would have contacted him more than two times in several months.  You can NEVER EVER blame another person for a suicide.  Never.  That's a decision a person makes for themselves.

Find out if she loves him?  That's just the problem, she doesn't communicate with him...at ALL, until he asks her friends about her, in which case she contacts him and gets mad.  He's been unwaivering in his support, sending loving text messages, with no response...for months.  He has to think of himself too.  He's also been in a fragile state of mind, and this situation is not good for him.

Also, we don't what her level of "hell" is...her friends seem to think she is fine.  That's another problem.  They are in different states, with virtually no contact.  How can he even properly assess what is going on?  He can't.

He can still absolutely positively be supportive of her....as her friend, which is what he plans to do.  To end the relationship was something he needed to do in order for HIM to be able to be in a better place in his own life.  It's wonderful to help someone and stand by them...but NOT at the price of losing oneself.
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Avatar universal
well I really told her to get some help and get through with,I can only stand so much and give so much,before I become of no use. I also told her when she gets through this,i ll be all open ears to hear and see what she has to say and if she and I can make a re connection,I m not putting any hope in that ar the moment
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2216810 tn?1420856876
oh no.this gonna be a heavy blow for her :S at first be  sure she loves you,if she dosn't okay write that letter but if she loves you ,why you just cant stand near her and give her strength to continoue with her life which i think its a hell.do you want her to end up her life:S??if you can not be her reason for living,than don't be her friend too.take care
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Avatar universal
Well I just ended it9she was very sad) the crying the whole nine yards,so yeah
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480448 tn?1426948538
Like I said...be brief.  Don't go into any past issues, memories or feelings...don't point fingers at either of you.  

Something like:

Dear Girlfriend:

I am writing this letter to let you know that I have made a decision to move on from our romantic relationship.  I feel it would be the best thing for both of us, for many reasons.

I want you to know that I still care about you and sincerely hope you get the help you need to move past your depression.  I am going to work on my own issues as well, to become healthier and happier.  I'm still here for you as a friend, to support you getting well and I wish you nothing but success and happiness in your life.

Love,

Michael
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Avatar universal
Now i am trying to figure out away how to write the letter.
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Avatar universal
No she is not getting help at all. yea NG is right I m going to end it with her right now actually
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