How to help deal with depressed wife

[check1234]

Currently I live six hours away from my wife due to work(related to military), I can't live with my wife for another year and half. My wifes loved me (at least she seemed) until 10 days ago. We do see each other two weekends a month plus holidays and etc.

We don't have kids together but she has two sons from previous marriage. One son is home and the other is in college.

About 10 days ago, after spending the weekend together she completely went on melt down. She kept crying unable to feel good about herself or the world. She was extremely depressed. She lashed out on me not being there, not being romantic and etc etc. She said that she no longer can accept or give love. She is drained. That hurt me so much. She wants time and space and If I want to date another woman, she is ok with it. She also said that we should go on our separate ways if we can't leave together now.

About a week ago she went to get help and the doctor put her on Zoloft. She is no longer crying but she still sad. She doesn't say I love you anymore. She still think we should go on our separate ways. I did tell her I don't want that because I love her and I want to be there with her forever but she didn't think she feels the same.

I love this woman..Living with her is not an option at this point. I am confused if our marriage is done. We do talk on the phone twice a day and sometime she is in good mood and sometime she seem in bad mood.

How should react to her suggestion? Should I assume it is what she really wants? Any idea to what she may be really feeling? I am planning to suggest to her that may be we can get professional help on dealing with this long distance relationship but I am afraid she won't even consider it...Any suggestion I can try or do at this point?

[ParamedFlorena]

Just don't give up on her and the marriage. This is exactly where I was a year and a half ago with my husband. I didn't feel anymore that I loved him but it was just plain uncertainty about the future. What I needed to know was that things would change, we weren't stuck and all those knots could really untangle - and I wasn't suffocated. I only needed a little bit of support on knowing myself. Who else but me knew me? Oh yes, that was the one I'd lived close with the last few year: My husband. Help her in the direction of making her life the way she desires it to be. I am pretty sure that it doesn't have to exclude you. Depression and long-term sadness does much with persons, but life can really start anew again.

Beyond the sadness is a new her.

Florena

[Kgbiddix]

Send little notes, flowers, cards, emails. Do things to make her feel special (everyday or every other day if possible for a while) Find small things that will remind her of the times when you first met or a special time when you were together.
This may not have anything to do with what she says, sometimes when we're depressed everything seems wrong.
If the attention don't work, tell her if she wants time apart she can have it but that you love her and you will not see anyone else, you married her for life and you won't give up.
The zoloft may take longer to get adjust and they may have to raise it.
Hope this helps
Karen

[Hensley258]

Can I be honest? I don't want to hurt you anymore than your probably already hurting from this situation, but at the same time I can not stand to see any fellow man be taken advantage of.

Sometimes relationships just don't work. some Women and even Men, have great difficulty accepting a relationship that requires long periods of absence. I have been there twice as, like you my work had me away from home for long periods.

I understand that you love your Wife dearly, but sometimes love just isn't enough. I'm just saying that your Wife might not be the type to handle extended periods apart. Not all Women, or Men can deal with that kind of constant seperation from a spouse.

This doesn't mean she is a bad person or that your a bad person. I'm just saying that it may not be the life that she want's. Sometimes this fact can cause even the most devoted person to stray.

There are two times in my life that Women have told me, " I want time and space, and maybe I should see other women." In both cases I had later found that each of these women were already seeing another man.

I know that hurts, and please understand that I'm not saying that is the case with your Wife. I'm just saying that it is something that you need to be aware of.

People usually do not say such things to a spouse, unless they are already either entertaining the idea, or already doing it.

Either way it matters little. If this relationship doesn't work out then you must be strong. Try to fix it if possible, but if not then you must not let it destroy you.

Just try not to hate her. She is only human and it's hard to be apart so much. She may love you very much, but just sees no future in a marrige where your away from home so often and for so long.

[check1234]

Well..She has on on Zoloft now for 10 days. She hasn't been crying. I do talk to her 2-3 times a day. Sometime she is in good mood and sometime she is not. When i mention about our marriage she still see us going on our separate ways. I am going to try to avoid talking about our marriage. I once told her if going on our separate ways is what she wants, i guess I will start thinking about it and prepare myself and she said "I guess you have made up your mind to go on your separate ways"..

She still say that she feels no love at all even when I tell her I love her. She doesn't see herslef loving anyone again. This hurts so much...

Sometime she expects my phone calls and sometime she seem annoyed with my phone call.

Am I doing the right things?

[pinkbunny2001]

I am desperately in love with my husband; but, my depression is so bad
that I have told him that I hate him and that I want a divorce.

There is NO WAY I could not survive without him being with me. I don't have
advice. I just know that I might stray if he was gone for a year and a half because
I just can't stand loneliness. AND I LOVE HIM.

If your wife has always been depressed, then it may be the depression talking. If
it is the separation, then what can you do? Try to feed the loneliness with
constant attention.

Good luck.

[check1234]

My wife has been depressed several times before. She had a very tough childhood. During our marriage, she is has been very optimistic person. She is the most sweetest person I now. What I have seen last two weeks or so is very unusual. I want to think the depression is talking.

Of course I don't want to lose her. I have told her that I am more than willing to give her 100% attention.

[pinkbunny2001]

Try the attention thing . . . until her meds start working, you may see a different person. She may even have to try several meds. Don't they have counseling for Armed Services and the separation issues? If so, I'd try that too. You are in a tough spot.

I have chronic major depression--since I was 12--now 37. I am a true pessimist.

What does she mean, take a break? Yall are on break all the time.

Heartbreaker--someone else?? Like I said, I could not cope without my husband. Some women can take it, and some cannot. It has nothing to do with love or morality. Some women must have constant physical presence.

Hope this helps, and I honor you--serving is a big deal to me. I altruistically love
my soldiers. I hate that this happens--and breakups happen A LOT due to separation.

Peace

[check1234]

I thought I will bring you guys uptdo date on my wife's situation -

I have been  talking to my wife almost everyday and we have concluded that her medication is not helping her to feel better. She is not showing any emotions for most part. If she does show emotion, it is usually to say something bad about me our our situation

I have tried to be supportive to her. I have mentioned to her that I am going to start the process of returning home by passing my contract to another contractor. I have told her this may take 3 months or so but I want things to workout.

I am getting a bit frustrated and stressed about us . Of course, I have told her i love her and I am doing lots of things to show her I love her but I am not getting any good response.

It amazes me that a month ago she was the most happiest and lovely person and now she is the most miserable person. This is not her first depression as she has been depressed before.

She seem she want some space from me..I feel like she is about 80% sure she wants a divorce.I am thinking just cutting any contact with her for a week and see what happens. (not sure if this is a good idea). She is going back to her therapist on Thursday and hopefully he will put her on better medication. Currently she is taking 50MG zoloft.

I am stressed about it because I don't want to lose her. I don't know what else I can do at this point. Should I just give up?  I don't want to continue trying to be supportive if she doesn't want any support from me.