I Need Help!

[michpay]

I dont know what is wrong and i need help.  I am a college student who began dating a young man in high school we have been together for 2 years now and we have been engaged for 3 months since then i have kissed 6 other men besides him and never told him.  

We recently went through a miscarriage and i have been struggling with depression.

Since i was a young child i have always had acute panic attacks and have had severe anger managment issues.  I sometimes now feel like i am going to burst from the inside out; like i should scream and yell and throw myself around.  I can be talking to my fiance and at the same time be texting revealing pictures of myself to other men.  Then if anything comes between my fiance and I even though i am telling him to get away i panic and i lose control.  I shake i scream i beg...i cant lose him but i feel like im going insane and i need help! I dont know what to do, my life needs to change.  At one point I was involved with my fiance and 3 other people at the same time.

I truly dont know what is wrong and the physical sides are getting to be too much.  I feel so angry inside I could explode, and I lash out horribly at my loved ones.  I play people, i try and get attention by lying to the point of no return.  I criticize people who have the same issues i do and i make fun of them while all the while i am doing them.

I cant afford to check myself in somewhere...i need help! please im begging someone out there to read this and try and offer me suggestions as to what to do, because i cant take much more.  Please PLease Please help me!

[superyouper]

Please do not consider marriage or serious commitment until you are sure you have the issue resolved. It may be medical ie: hormone imbalance or bi-polar disorder. If your forum name suggests you are from Michigan, all is not lost. Michigan is going through a financial crisis as other states are doing but the mental health department hasn't been eleminated 'yet'. Run, walk, drive, as soon as possible to social services and ask, plead, etc. for help. If it is bi-polar, there are several medications that  are effective in treating this disorder.
Making fun of others with the same problem is called 'projection'. We sometimes criticize others for having the same faults that we ourselves have. A good example is when we walk into a room full of people and tell ourselves that 'they don't like me' etc. In reality, it is us who do not like the people in the room. Another example is when we 'hate' a lloudmouth person. Sometimes it is because we hate that quality in ourselves.

[Fuzzz]

I know you "know" it in your head, but this is no time to be making big life-changing decisions like marriage.  If you could step outside of yourself and look at the situation, you would advise yourself not to involve any man with a permanent committment like marriage while having these problems.  I know - I got married when I was 24, and have been married for over 20 years based on that decision, made before I got any help.  That was nuts of me and unfair to my mate.  It sounds like you are doing what I tend to do, which is to self-treat with activities that release dopamine in my brain and relieve depression and anxiety.  That leads to very bad decisions that can hurt you and others.  I know you probably "know" this, but all you want is relief.  I just started generic Remeron because my psychiatrist thinks it might be just right for me.  Another good drug for me (and you!)  might be Wellbutrin, because it is the only one that has a bit of dopamine activity (per my MD).  It might help you a lot.  

Don't go on this way - it's self-destructive.  You can feel better with the right help.  

[Curtis1960]

Hello, Michpay!

There are a lot of resources out there for people with low income.  Counseling and anger management would really help you.  If recommended by a counselor, a trip to the psychiatrist for medications might help the panic attacks and anxiety.  

First, most colleges have counseling services for the students and it''s usually low or no cost.  Second, the city or county you live in may havemental health services and they usually charge based upon your ability to pay.  If you look in the blue pages of the phone book under the city gov't, you may find it listed under mental health.  If not under city gov't, look under the county gov't section.  

Third, you can call the local suicide hotline and they will have tons of referals for you.  You can tell them that you're low income and they'll know what to recommend for you.  Fourth, the local ER may have some information for you.  They see many people in dire straights.

And finally, some counselors will accept you as a client even though you can't pay very much.  Try looking online in the Psychology Today website.  It has listings of mental health professionals in your city.  The site will give you information such as what type of therapy the person performs, what their philosphy is, and sometimes - if they accept low income clients. You may find a name there to call for referals also.

Best of luck and take care.

Curt