I believe that I'm dealing with moderate-severe depression and I need help...

Hello. I'm new here (just made an account about 15 minutes ago...) and I need serious help. I'm thirteen years old and I think that I'm dealing with moderate-severe depression. It started on the first say of 8th grade, this year, and I was feeling this confusing "ball" of depression inside of me. I began to dwell on past experiences such as embarassments, bad decisions, arguements, things I've said, et cetera. It has been simply like this for weeks and little things such as dropping books, tripping on things, being late for class, et cetera, have been making me want to burst into tears. And then, once I spilled my lunch and my friends' lunches all over the floor I had to clean it all up myself with a mop and bucket. People were laughing at me and telling me to clean faster and stuff like that. I was so embarassed and stressed that I burst into tears and sat on the floor as people stared at me. I started seeing the school pcychologist from that point out. However, lately, she has been missing the mark for me. And because of that, I didn't know what to say. But anyway, the more times I saw her, the more my depression became clearer and, unfortunately, the more it got worse. I began to think dark thoughts and sinful things and became more lifeless around others, things like how my life is a lie, how I'm destined to go to Hell, how even though I try my hardest to help others and please them, I do it for myself, making me a selfish human being. I also began to feel like I wasn't worth knowing, how I was so foolish for not realizing these things until now. I go on an online composition site, where in the Forums I have made such tight bonds with the people there that I have grown attached to the computer and have grown to hate the outside world. I feel like people don't understand me on the outside and that people DO understand online. And I have proven this true over time. I don't have many friends on the outside world and the friends that I do have are not the understanding type and sometimes harass me and say that I'm just being overdramatic. And so I have attached myself to the web even more. Over the two years of being on that site, I have formed a love with a 17-year-old guy (who I refuse to state his real name here) who calls himself "Hawksearcher." He was overall the nicest person I've never met and he understands me most. Whenever I am sad or angry he does not react with depression or anger or guilt, but he reacts with a calm attitude, warmth, and kindness. Words can not express how wonderful he is. And so recently, it has grown from a crush to a love. One day, I had a breakdown on that site and released all of my terrible emotions, and once again, to my surprise he responded with calmness, warmth, kindness, and understanding. He wasn't demanding with me but he just understood and told me that he would help me in any way possible. So after I read that post, I admitted my love to him, right there. I know what you are all going to say, that it is too dangerous to fall in love with someone online and that I'm just getting over my head. That is true, but, however, I HAVE seen a picture of him and I've heard his voice. I refuse to believe that he is a liar no matter what anyone says. He is the most sincere person I've ever met and nothing would change how I truly felt about him. At that point, I knew that he would be shocked or angry with me once I said what I said. But he talked with me privately shortly after and he, once again, was very fond and warm. He said that if I truly wanted to take another step and make our relationship more serious, that I would have to somehow show him who I truly am (picture, video, et cetera.). However, he said that he isn't forcing me, and hat he respects my decision and rights and wants to make sure that it's okay with my parents before I do something. Ever since then I've never heard from him and I have longed for his physical presence, which has been tearing me apart. I have been questioning my love, and have been wondering if it has been just a childish delusion of mine that we could actually be together. He's so far away from me, in age, location, and wisdom. I know that I could never compare to him. This is the main reason at this point why I am depressed and confused. Lately, because I haven't been able to maintain contact with him and have been fading away from my physical friends and family, and because all of my hopes and dreams for the future are no longer visible to me, I have been thinking about running away or disappearing from the world. I no longer feel love for my parents or my friends and if something had been taken away from me I wouldn't care. And I've had this childish whim that when I would do that, that my love would be by my side, holding my hand as we ran. It's such a childish thought, and you have no idea how much of a fool I feel like. Also, what I have said here is NOTHING close to the full explanation of my depression. Most of my feelings have been writen on my computer and I continue to write them today. I just want to hear some thoughts from you guys. What do you think I should do? I've vaguely spoken to my mom several times and after what has happened, I know for a FACT that she wouldn't understand. And my mom and my dad would be so furious and disappointed in me, knowing that I became vulnerable online and ended up falling in love with a 17-year-old. My friends aren't close enough to me to even want to understand me. How severe do you think my depression has become based upon what I have said? I just don't know what to do. Time is ticking by so slow for me and I don't even see a future anymore. I'm so confused and I am seriously thinking about doing something drastic. Help?

[clandestina]

Hi, there. I'm very sorry to hear that you are not doing well. I am a 31 year old woman and had a lot in common with you when I was your age. What your feeling is not childish. You found a connection with someone when there was no one else who you felt could understand you. I had had many feelings like what you described when I was a teen. The disconnection with others. Family and friends alike. It is very lonely at times. At your age I didn't even have the internet so I felt extremely  isolated. I blamed myself for this and felt there was something wrong with me but as I got older and wiser I realized something. You feel the way you do because you have a higher intellect. It's a sign of intelligence and that's why it's so hard to communicate with others because they simply can't understand. The loss of feelings towards my mother, I found, was attributed to loss of respect. I lost respect towards her because I found her petty and trivial like most of the world. This brought on depression for obvious reason. I also had a contributing factor, and I don't mean to pry, you can tell me it's none of my business, but are you or have you experienced any form of abuse. I was molested. This worsened my depression as well. As far as the boy you were talking to, I think he may have been scared because of the age difference and even though he may have had feelings for you he may have saw the implications for continuing the relationship and probably thought it best for you both to end it. He could get into a lot of legal troubles. I know it ***** getting your heart broken and it's very painful especially for people like us because of how we are so in-tune with our emotions. Only time will help and I promise even though it may not seem like it you will find someone else and have that connection again. I can tell you are a very intelligent young woman by the way you articulate and express yourself. You can and will reach your goals because you have the potential to. I'm going to give you a little advise because I can see you are vulnerable and I don't want to see you make the mistakes I have. One, don't do anything extreme or hurt yourself. This doesn't make anything better only worse. You do not want to end up in a hospital having your stomach painfully pumped, force fed charcoal paste and admitted to the psych ward where you will be kept in a bubble room with nothing but a mattress, stripped of all your clothing listening to the raving lunatics screaming and kicking at the door 24/7. It's not a nice place especially for teenage girls. Death is not an answer to your problems. You never know what the future will bring. And even though your suffering there are still many beautiful moments that you have yet to experience. Do you really want to miss out on that. You have to fight and learn how to suffer well. At times the only thing that kept me going was the thought that someday life will get better and you know what it has. I have a beautiful home, a wonderful man I live with,my soul mate:), I am sober and healthy and I'll be going back to school soon. These are things in my life that at one time I felt I couldn't achieve or didn't deserve. But I was wrong. You have to stop telling yourself these negative affirmation. Even if you feel that way, fight, say no and tell yourself the opposite. This will help reinforce you worth. Another thing, I don't know if you've experimented with any kind of drugs yet o but I am warning you STAY AWAY from them, they will literally ruin your life. I started using at 12 and just got sober recently. My life was hell. It is easy for us to get caught up in drug and alcohol use because they help numb the pain...at first. Then, once your addicted they hurt you far more worse than your depression and if you think you're lonely now see how much lonelier it gets once you're an addict. Addiction stole almost 20 years of my life. Prisons, hospitalizations, rehabs, withdrawals, committing crimes, overdoses, homelessness, abusive men......on and on and on. Hell. Absolute Hell every single waking moment. Please do not go down this path. I started with marajauna and alcohol and you'll tell yourself it won't go any further than that but it's very easy to cross that line once you're already experimenting and the next thing you know your a full blown junkie. The last thing I wanted to talk to you about was getting some professional help maybe you need therapy or medication. I know I did. I hope this helps and if you want to talk some more you know where to reach me. Take care:)

[clandestina]

Hi, there. I'm very sorry to hear that you are not doing well. I am a 31 year old woman and had a lot in common with you when I was your age. What your feeling is not childish. You found a connection with someone when there was no one else who you felt could understand you. I had had many feelings like what you described when I was a teen. The disconnection with others. Family and friends alike. It is very lonely at times. At your age I didn't even have the internet so I felt extremely  isolated. I blamed myself for this and felt there was something wrong with me but as I got older and wiser I realized something. You feel the way you do because you have a higher intellect. It's a sign of intelligence and that's why it's so hard to communicate with others because they simply can't understand. The loss of feelings towards my mother, I found, was attributed to loss of respect. I lost respect towards her because I found her petty and trivial like most of the world. This brought on depression for obvious reason. I also had a contributing factor, and I don't mean to pry, you can tell me it's none of my business, but are you or have you experienced any form of abuse. I was molested. This worsened my depression as well. As far as the boy you were talking to, I think he may have been scared because of the age difference and even though he may have had feelings for you he may have saw the implications for continuing the relationship and probably thought it best for you both to end it. He could get into a lot of legal troubles. I know it ***** getting your heart broken and it's very painful especially for people like us because of how we are so in-tune with our emotions. Only time will help and I promise even though it may not seem like it you will find someone else and have that connection again. I can tell you are a very intelligent young woman by the way you articulate and express yourself. You can and will reach your goals because you have the potential to. I'm going to give you a little advise because I can see you are vulnerable and I don't want to see you make the mistakes I have. One, don't do anything extreme or hurt yourself. This doesn't make anything better only worse. You do not want to end up in a hospital having your stomach painfully pumped, force fed charcoal paste and admitted to the psych ward where you will be kept in a bubble room with nothing but a mattress, stripped of all your clothing listening to the raving lunatics screaming and kicking at the door 24/7. It's not a nice place especially for teenage girls. Death is not an answer to your problems. You never know what the future will bring. And even though your suffering there are still many beautiful moments that you have yet to experience. Do you really want to miss out on that. You have to fight and learn how to suffer well. At times the only thing that kept me going was the thought that someday life will get better and you know what it has. I have a beautiful home, a wonderful man I live with,my soul mate:), I am sober and healthy and I'll be going back to school soon. These are things in my life that at one time I felt I couldn't achieve or didn't deserve. But I was wrong. You have to stop telling yourself these negative affirmation. Even if you feel that way, fight, say no and tell yourself the opposite. This will help reinforce you worth. Another thing, I don't know if you've experimented with any kind of drugs yet o but I am warning you STAY AWAY from them, they will literally ruin your life. I started using at 12 and just got sober recently. My life was hell. It is easy for us to get caught up in drug and alcohol use because they help numb the pain...at first. Then, once your addicted they hurt you far more worse than your depression and if you think you're lonely now see how much lonelier it gets once you're an addict. Addiction stole almost 20 years of my life. Prisons, hospitalizations, rehabs, withdrawals, committing crimes, overdoses, homelessness, abusive men......on and on and on. Hell. Absolute Hell every single waking moment. Please do not go down this path. I started with marajauna and alcohol and you'll tell yourself it won't go any further than that but it's very easy to cross that line once you're already experimenting and the next thing you know your a full blown junkie. The last thing I wanted to talk to you about was getting some professional help maybe you need therapy or medication. I know I did. I hope this helps and if you want to talk some more you know where to reach me. Take care:)

[Kuriketto]

Thank you for the very sincere and thoughtul comment. It means a lot to me that you replied, especially with such a warming comment.

I'm so sorry that you had to experience all of that at such a young age. But I had never thought of using drugs or hurting myself in any way. Want to know something REALLY embarassing? I can't swallow pills. It's horrible.

I have not been abused in any way, but family arguements and punishments have led me to hyperventilating and since I have an autistic brother I've been hurt a lot. But I've never been abused by anyone, no have I been in a dangerous situation that could have ended like that.

By disappearing, although I know that it'snot possible, I've always imagined just dissolving into thin air rather than jumping off a building or stabbing myself, et cetera.

Other than that, the other things that you have said may be true. But, "Hawksearcher" has replied to me just a little while ago. He was gone because his computer was broken. Once again he's caring about me. I don't understand why he's so nice...

...my keyboard is acting up so my replies will proably take a long time to type out...

[worriedworry]

Its easy to understand how you fell in love with your friend hawksearcher online. You are vulnerable and feel like no one understands you, and he took the time to understand you. A 4 year age difference, while not inappropriate between 30 and 34 year old is inappropriate between a 17 and 13 year old. Also, a person online can easily misrepresent themself, but you already know that. Its unfortunate that in online communities where people are supposed to offer trust and support, some try to use this trust and support to develop a sexual relationship, but thats what is going on. This guy probably has very few relationship prospects in the real world which is why he is trying to develop relationships with a vulnerable 13 year old girl online. I think you would be better off coming here for advice and support rather than an online message board, though some people here might try to take advantage of you as well. This is what guys do. Guys are always very "understanding" when they are interested in a girl. This is how they try to build a relationship. I'm not saying not to let a guy understand you, but maybe I'm sure someone at your school in your grade or the next grade would be just as willing to listen to you. You need to try to build relationships in the real world. Also continue to speak with your psychologist even if you feel it is not working. It will pay off over time. Finally, don't be so concerned about what people think! Set goals and accomplish them. Volunteer at an animal shelter or for an organization that helps other people. By taking control of your life and doing positive things you will take control of your depression. Good Luck!

[Kuriketto]

I hope I don't sound rude or defiant when I say this, but whenever I think of the possibilities of something like that happening online, in the end I always completely REFUSE to believe that he is someone like that. After all, he was the one who recommended a "platonic love" in the first place. (:

Actually, almost every person at my school is very mean and non-understanding of things like that. Most of the guys that I see at my school are the ones terrorizing the little sixth graders (who are the size of second graders), shoving and touching girls in the hallways, and swear and jump on the seats in the bus. The remanding boys? Unfortunately, those are the very pestering people who like to touch people all the time and who like to pick their noses. I suppose I'm just the shy girl in the middle. That's another reason why I fell in love with Hawksearcher, because although he is MUCH older than I am, he seemed to understand me when no one else could.

It's only natural for me to want to please others; I was born a perfectionist.

Regardless, your advice meant A LOT to me and I don't know how to thank you. I'll ry to keep what you said in mind and thank you for supporting me.

I made another thread dedicated to my love situation solely, so if you'd like you could check it out.

[Kuriketto]

Whoops; I forgot to say that my new thread is in the Teen Depression section rather than this one.