IMHO the last sentence of the post by hope_for_more, says it all: forgive yourself.
It isn't easy but it's possible. Everyone around you who knows what happened have forgiven you but forgiving ourselves is often so difficult.
The crying and thinking about it when you wake up is, I think, appropriate. If this continues, along with your loss of appetite maybe you should think about talking to a therapist who deals with women who have had abortions. Other women have experienced the same thing you have - you aren't alone and there are some good counsellors who can help you grieve - that's what you're doing isn't it - grieving?
This will probably make some folks mad - maybe you'll get angry too - but in my opinion you should kick that guy who calls himself your "boyfriend", who was the baby's father and then wasn't there when you needed him is not somebody you want to be around. You deserve better.
lonewolf
I'm so sorry. I had an abortion over thirty years ago and I still think about it. It was very hard at the time as I think I was the only one that wanted that baby. I understand what you're saying about not forgiving yourself.
The only thing I can think of to say is that we are not perfect. We make choices based on what we think it best at the time. There are often no right answers to these tough questions that life gives us to deal with. I think it's important that we forgive ourselves for our imperfection and then just keep trying to do better.
I have tried to devote myself to being a good mother to the three children I eventually had. I've shed many tears over the one I never had but I truly value the beautiful daughters I do have and try to make a positive out of that negative.
I am not perfect and I try to forgive myself for it. I hope you will forgive yourself too.
Oh Sweetheart, I am so sorry you are going through this. What you are going through is actually a grieving process and it's perfectly normal and to be expected. You need to give yourself some time and patience.
What I think you may want to look into is a support group of other women who have gone through what you have gone through. I know they are out there.
Please know God grieves with you and He understands and has already forgiven you so you must forgive yourself and move forward.
Sending some *Hugs* your way. God bless.
April