I can't cope anymore!

Last month i did something i will never forgive myself for...i aborted my child because it was what everyone thought was best for me.  My partner really couldnt handle having another one due to having problems with his ex and 2 children they had together a few years together.  I respected his wishes but i needed to hear from him that if i didn't feel i could do it he'd be there for me...it never came so i did as i was told.

Since then i hate waking up every day, it breaks my heart knowing what i did.  I have support from family n friends but none of them know how i'm feeling.  i just tell them i'm fine and don't regret a thing..I feel so bad for randomly snapping at my partner but my moods just aren't stable anymore.  One minute i'm fine n then i'm crying all of a sudden, usually away from anyone else's view.

My appetite is no longer normal, i'm finding myself snacking lightly days at a time n maybe 2 days a week i'll have a meal..since this has happened i've lost a stone and dropped to a worrying 7st 5lb, none of my clothes fit me..i thank the lord for the invention of belts! My digestive system isn't exactly normal anymore either, they are no longer daily or normal...I don't know if i'm looking for an answer or a solution but maybe just some suggestions on how i can get over this and if i should seek medical attention at all?

[April2]

Oh Sweetheart, I am so sorry you are going through this. What you are going through is actually a grieving process and it's perfectly normal and to be expected. You need to give yourself some time and patience.
What I think you may want to look into is a support group of other women who have gone through what you have gone through. I know they are out there.  
Please know God grieves with you and He understands and has already forgiven you so you must forgive yourself and move forward.
Sending some *Hugs* your way. God bless.
April

[hope_for_more]

I'm so sorry.  I had an abortion over thirty years ago and I still think about it.  It was very hard at the time as I think I was the only one that wanted that baby.  I understand what you're saying about not forgiving yourself.

The only thing I can think of to say is that we are not perfect.  We make choices based on what we think it best at the time. There are often no right answers to these tough questions that life gives us to deal with.  I think it's important that we forgive ourselves for our imperfection and then just keep trying to do better.

I have tried to devote myself to being a good mother to the three children I eventually had.  I've shed many tears over the one I never had but I truly value the beautiful daughters I do have and try to make a positive out of that negative.

I am not perfect and I try to forgive myself for it. I hope you will forgive yourself too.

[lonewolf07]

IMHO the last sentence of the post by hope_for_more, says it all:  forgive yourself.
It isn't easy but it's possible.  Everyone around you who knows what happened have forgiven you but forgiving ourselves is often so difficult.

The crying and thinking about it when you wake up is, I think, appropriate.  If this continues, along with your loss of appetite maybe you should think about talking to a therapist who deals with women who have had abortions.  Other women have experienced the same thing you have - you aren't alone and there are some good counsellors who can help you grieve - that's what you're doing isn't it - grieving?

This will probably make some folks mad - maybe you'll get angry too - but in my opinion you should kick that guy who calls himself your "boyfriend", who was the baby's father and then wasn't there when you needed him is not somebody you want to be around.  You deserve better.

lonewolf