I can't help making my situation worse

[tramuser99]

I have always suffered depression, but it normally didn't affect my everyday life too much.  However I have a history of getting extremely stressed out over situations that most could brush off, I literally get to a point where I don't answer my phone, don't get out of bed, lay in the dark, make erratic irrational decisions, etc.  
I got hooked on pain meds 2 years ago and went to a rehab back in Feb but now its like I can't handle life anymore, I stress out 100x's more than I did before.  I had to quit my job because my anxiety was so high, perfect example of erratic irrational decision making, but I thought it was just because my brain needed time to heal from abusing the pain meds and I didn't want the stress of my job to cause me to relapse.  However I have always had this history of overanalyzing things in my life and letting myself become very self loathing and self destructive, but usually overtime I would eventually just get over what was bothering me, but I seem to just be getting worse now. I tend to make the situation worse by overreacting and just thinking about it over and over in my head.  Now that I am having to face reality without self-medicating it just overwhelms me so much more and I can't seem to climb out of this dark hole I have buried myself in, I am having to face mistakes I made while being on the pain meds and just can't move forward.

I went to the doctor and am on 25mg of lexapro but I feel like my brain won't let me be happy or even content anymore.  I force myself into the gym to try and lift my mood but it takes all the motivation I can even muster to do that.  I haven't even looked for another job because I feel so mentally unstable and I work in a field that requires a lot of clarity and mental focus.  I just don't know what is wrong with me, I just can't seem to think positive and do things to help improve my situation, instead I just lay in bed and don't talk to anyone until it hopefully just goes away on its own.  Just an example of how I would stress myself out, I once had buyers remorse the next day after buying a new car and I just started going over all these scenarios of why I shouldn't of spent the money.  I literally called the dealership like 4 times the next day trying to return it. It wasn't even that big of a deal but I couldn't focus on work and even missed a day because I couldn't get it off my mind, I completely flipped out.  This went on for over a month until it eventually just subsided. All my friends and family thought something else was going on because of how stressed I was, they thought it had to be something other than just having regret over buying a car.  That is just an example of how I get.  Is it a certain mental disorder, anyone else experience these "episodes"?

[Bubulous]

There is a saying that I am sure you have heard stating" two wrongs do not make a right".  This is true but it goes deeper....
It takes 2 goods to make a bad and 2 bads to eliminate a good.  If I could get others to understand this basic thing they could unlock the mysteries of their minds.
Over time you have been moved intot this depression existence and you are not alone.  Of course you want to hide in a dark room and make it go away and the funny thing is-that would work (for a while).
In order to eliminate your depression you have to start righting some of those wrongs because we cannot hide forever.
You will find in that darkness the answers to the light and vise verca.  When you are in a depression state one negative thing happening can start the pain again and I understand that.  

[tramuser99]

Another example of a freakout episode was when I got this skin rash and research it online and it said people with HIV often get bad cases of it.  Even though deep down I knew the chances of me having HIV are incredibly low considering how safe I have been, not sexually active, not a gay male, and don't do IV drugs, come from a small midwestern town, but I just kept thinking in my head "what if, what if, what if".  It physically and mentally tore me down for 6 months, I got tested 6 times because I heard it might not show up for 3 to 6 months.  My doctor and friends thought I was crazy but I just couldn't let go of the thought. I would scan my body and see some weird little dot and would literally go to my doctor as ask about it.  They put me on xanax without me evening asking because I wasn't eating or sleeping because of the stress.  Finally it just went away on its on, but I went on like this for 4-6 months.

I don't have a lot of these episodes, but I just always seem to carry around this depression and if something bad happens it cripples me.  Its what lead me to self-medication but now that I am getting clean its so much worse because I really do have stuff to stress over while trying to get my life back on track.

[tramuser99]

I have researched bipolar but I think I just have a depressive disorder and I tend to make "mountains out of molehills" a little more extreme than the average joe.  Right now because I am in early recovery I beat myself up a lot for decisions I made in the past which is normal, but I let it completely overwhelm me and even though I know how I should move forward I tend to isolate myself in my room in complete darkness and just hope the depression goes away on its own.  I have bad social anxiety so I hate to go outside when I am like this and don't even like speaking on the phone.  Unfortunately my insurance right now doesn't cover mental health.  I have been working overseas for the past year and came home without insurance, so I had to pick up some temp insurance which was outside the enrollment period.  

[Bubulous]

It sounds to me like bipolar but you would need to talk to a good psychiatrist to confirm or deny that.
If you are bipolar, don't worry, I am too and I was able to develop an equilibirum through some hard work and the aid of some medications stretched over a certain length of time.
I also had a problem with addiction but mine went on for longer than two years.  I experienced a lot of the same things that you did but this is not the end of the world.  It is actually the beginning of an enlightening journey that only you get to live.  It is going to have its ups and downs.  In the beginngin there may seem to be a lot more downs than there are ups and some of this is true while some of this is just your perception.
I would really suggest talkting to a psychologist but if that is not an option for you at leas start educating yourself on depression, bipolar, and maybe throw in some spirituality.