I feel I am an empty shell without a soul

[ChristinaMi]

I am Christina. I am a normal person. That is what people think,
But I am not a normal person. I fight with depression alone. without anyone or any med.
Sometimes I make it. Sometimes I fail.
Lately things get worse every day.I cant handle listening to music cause I cry.
I noticed that I develop a possessiveness over the people I know. For example I hate it when my best friend has sex with his gf, or I get jealous when an another friend meets a new girl in his life. I am easily attached to people but this is ridiculous. I realize that I cant be the only one girl of everyone's life but still this self centered behaviour that grows in me -that I avoid to show- annoys my calm nature.
To be honest everyone tells me his/her problems waiting support and a hand of help. I was always ready to help. But I am so tired....
I feel alone lately and maybe that is why such egoistic behaviour appeared but still....it is bad and annoying for me cause I feel more hurt and more alone in the end.
Some days I feel I dont have soul. That something called egoism devoured it. But other days I just realize it is the pain of loneliness that plays his tricks on me...
Please reply....
Christina

[Celia_]

Hi Christina , I want you to know that ALL of the words you say make sense.  You are clearly a very strong person , but you are losing the battle at the moment and you're on this site writing about it , asking for advise , because you recognize that.  Please , find a counsellor / doctor  who you can tell this stuff to , and let them help you.  Once you get the bad stuff under control , then all the good that you have inside you can shine again.

[ChristinaMi]

Dear Mandy,
I am grateful for your kind words.
Well he found out the truth yesterday cause of my mistak,e but I dont think he took it as bad as I expected. I am just glad he is still my friend cause I am always scared of losing my friends, cause of many losses in my life.
I am against medicines, I practically grew up alone and I am still alone so I dont find therapists and medicines a solution for me. Effexor is an awesome help, I read about this med on this site a lot and I am glad you found  medicine that can help you. I dont know why I deny in that rate to visit therapist or accept meds. Maybe because my general health forbids me to be on meds of any kind for long.
Depression for me is not a desease, it is a state of mind. I deny to be weak and I deny to accept help to be honest. Yet I am here talking about it. It is a bit oxymoron in a way I know.
I was always depressive I think, but this year depression is pressuring me more than usual and I barely handle breathing some days. It is not just the suicidal thoughts. There are many things that burden me so I am not sure that any med will be good enough for me. Maybe just put me in coma ^^"
I lost my friends this year, many of them to be honest. Two from death, many from arguments cause I become more and more angry with everything. It is torturing to be angry with everything when you are a character that is calm.
I searched a lot about my anger state and I found out it is from my health state. My doctor says I am angry to myself cause I feel weak. He gave me vegetarian nutrition but it does not help always. I use herbs a lot since I know about them but I avoid Valerian etc.
Reading the above words I cant help thinking that I am a really stubborn person. Maybe I need help and maybe I dont. The thing is that I am alone. And I dont mean finding a bf etc. I can have bf if I want to. It is this loneliness that comes from inside. The loneliness your own mind creates and can destroy everything good that you can have inside.
I dont know if all these words I say make sense...
Thanks again
Christina

[mandy876]

you have come to the right place there are a lot of great people here to listen without judging.  you cant lose your soul.  you would be dead.  you sound like a lovely girl that might be in love with your best friend.  have you ever thought about telling him.  what can you lose.  and also you need to see a doctor there are meds that will help you get through all this.  we all sometimes have a chemical imbalance.  I found Effexor and it stopped the crying and me wanting to die.  I would be afraid to get of my meds.  I think I have reached my comfort zone as closeas I can get.  please talk to your doctor.  god bless you.  mandy876

[ChristinaMi]

My dear new friend,

Thank you so so much for replying to me.
I think you are right in many levels but although I am taking care of my body and my appearance and generally men and women tell me that I am a beautiful girl (I am Greek and women in Greece never let themselves get fat or ugly even when they just woke up...), I think I gave up my soul..
It is not that I am not confident about my body or my face, but I think I literally let people "rape" my mind and soul in every day basis...
I am scared of that possessiveness that got into me (the one I mention in my post here, because my nature is so calm and I always think the others first and when this egoism takes me over I hate me,,,
I dont know if I am looking for a prince to be honest. I am single by choice because no  one understands my silent nature ( I am a girl that is not talkative and I just talk with eyes and facial expressions mostly although I dont have any handicap..it is just who I am). Many men want to date me but they just want the usual things and then to leave away so I just dont date any more.
I can fall in love and I was in love, but love is a torture for me, maybe because of my depression.
I dont know how I feel and some days I cant control my feelings, but since I dont talk, no one can really help me except me and myself and this site...

Thank you for your kind words
Christina

[toffee100]

My dear Christina

Do not worry you are a great and lovely person I care for you and I don’t even know you. So you are not by yourself. If I am the last person in this world then I will not forget you. Asking for help is really good and I hope I can advise you on what to do.

We are all a big family in this world and each member of this family has a duty. So you have to dust yourself off and be the best.

Men love women. BUT which women.

First I would like you to start loving yourself. In fact love yourself the most. People love others who love themself.

So how can you love yourself?

1) Take care of your body, this is by doing exercises. If you can’t then join a gym.

2) Take care of what you wear, men and everybody can look at you and analyse you by seeing what you dress, so try to be a girly girl.

3) Act like a princess. Trust me not every Princess is a lady but every lady is a princess. So think like you are the most kindest, beautiful and faithful lady. And then act like one.
SO how can a person be kind? Help your family then your friends then your neighbors and then volunteer and you will see that the Egoism dices will be destroyed.

4) Believe in destiny. History shows that men find thyself a lady and vice versa. So you are not any different. Believe that you will find your prince. So start from now and try to make your prince happy. Act now and please do not give up.

Best regards

Your friend