I feel so alone in this world,, what is wrong with me???
So, I'm a 22 year old girl. From my childhood days, I can remember me feeling bad about myself..poor grades, no close friends etc. Actually I get poor grades and suddenly high grades. I remember myself crying if someone (a teacher, parent, grandma, guardian) raises their voice. I remember myself trembling all over, unable to stop crying even in my elementary and past that. My school life sucked. I had no close friends. People would all treat me like as if I'm a weird creature. I always wanted to be fun and hard working and casual like others but the more I try to be friendly, the more they run away from me. I remember even till now, how people used to ask me, "why are you sad? were you crying? you look like you're about to cry?" In fact, I would be as normal as any day. I'd be minding my own business. But these questions would greatly trouble me because I have been hearing such comments a lot. Now, i completed college and all. what I'm like? Always alone. Alone at church. Alone at home. I wouldn't even go outside for days. I wouldn't even step out of my front door (I'd go out only if there was a necessity). I'm always in front of my computer. Without computer, I'd go mad. This is the only place I find myself not pressured. Else, i feel like i'm going to explode into a million pieces. of course, I have very few friends..who wouldn't bother if I'm even alive. I study better at college and get good grades. I have spent half my life crying, half my nights crying to sleep. Sometimes, I'd have to hold my head, shut my eyes tightly trying to free myself from the pressure. My heart would feel so burdened and i would feel the pain literally. Sometimes, i even thought i would get a heart attack. I remember since childhood, whenever I cry so much from the mental pain, i used to hit my head against a wall, hit my hands and legs..i would hurt myself..or i would take something and hit myself..I have other problems also which i cannot tell [maybe i'll post that separately later]..I have no friends in my neighbourhood. they are all little children. Once i used ot play well with little children. Now, i get annoyed at their mischieves... I get highly irritated if someone controls me. I get sooooooo angry at my parents if they tell me 'eat' 'do this' 'do that'...like that..I break things around..this has been with me since childhood..if i get angry i won't be able to stop at all..what ever is near me, i'd just throw them..i feel really embarrassed to say these but i need help..I've broken many costly things not willingly..but I could do nothing else to control my anger..Once i remember i got soooo angry and irritated with my mom..that i took a knife and so badly wanted to cut my skin in my legs..but then i stopped..and at that time, i din even know what i was doing..i din even know something like 'cutting' existed..once for a period of time, i got suicidal thoughts..i would travel in a bus..I'd be thinking, "how wud it be if i jumped off the bus while its running' or 'how wud it be if i get into an accident' or sometimes ' how good it wud be if i got a cancer' or 'how good it wud be if i'm bed ridden at the hospital'..then i knew i was thinking like these only to get attention..so that people would sympathize with me..that time i would think if people would be there to see me die or even at that time i'd be alone..what wud they do if they see me in a coma..etc and etc..pls help me somebody...tell me what is wrong with me???? I really want to have nice friends..hang out..have fun..call them..talk to them..listen to them..i look real pathetic..guess you can understand my condition..i'm a strong believer of God..but I can't even help myself...Even now as I'm typing these, i can feel the pain in my heart..it feels as if someone is crushing it and it's heavy..its paining...am i also not a human being? am i abnormal? Then why am I facing all this and that too from my childhood..? someone please help me....?
Your story made me sad. We have all felt lonely at times but your lonliness doesn't seem to be abating. Idk much about depression but I know that it can be overwhelming. Hang in there and someone with more information than me will be along to help you. I encourage you to do something you enjoy today and KNOW that you are in my prayers.
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