I feel so sad lately, and it frightens me because I don't know why

[Perfect_Insanity]

Hello.
  I am a 13 year old girl living in Denmark though I lived in California until I was six and a half. I do realize that this is quite a long post, and I’ve tried to shorten it, but obviously I’m not very good at that.
   For a long time - I honestly can’t say when it started - I’ve been feeling pretty down, and I don’t really remember the last time I felt happy for an entire week. I mean, one day I can be really happy, but the next day I just want to crawl up in my bed and be numb. I don’t know what’s going on, and it frightens me.
   I really don’t get why I feel like this. Unlike so many others who feel sad for a longer time, I do have close friends, I haven’t ever been bullied, no recent tragedies have happened in my life, and without meaning to brag, I’m one of the best in my class. So you see, I don’t really have a reason to be sad, but that just makes me feel even sadder, because that must mean that I’m totally pathetic and stupid for being sad in the first place. It’s a bit of an evil paradox as you can see.
   I love reading fantasy books. I even write fantasy stories myself, and frankly, I live more in a fantasy world than in the real world. Which *****, because I’m stuck here. A lot of the time, I’m sad because I can’t “reach” the other worlds. I’m sad because I don’t know of magic. Because I’m just a normal little naïve girl, with no special powers, but spends most of my time imagining and wishing I did. I’m an epic Potterhead, Harry Potter is my life, but I can’t count how many times I’ve cried because I’m not a part of that world. Writing this just makes me feel pathetic, stupid and naïve. But I can’t stop wanting this! I can’t stop longing for it! And I just hate myself because of it.
Well, yes, I do have a very low self-esteem. I don’t know, I don’t really have reason to hate myself, I just do. I find myself a coward and simply pathetic.
   I feel like I’ve lost most of my energy for the past… I don’t know how many months, really. It’s getting harder and harder for me to get out of bed in the morning, and to keep my eyes open in class. I feel like my concentration is getting worse and worse and I just hate it! No matter how early I go to bed, I’ll always be tired the next day. The only time I feel truly awake is when I’m out for a walk, listening to music or not.
   And I don’t know if it’s because I’m tired, but I’ve become A LOT more irritable than I used to be. I have no control over it, and I really hate it. For instance there’s my dad, who I love of course, but every little thing he does or says really puts my teeth on edge! Sometimes I think he’s too sentimental, then I think he’s too judgmental, too loud, too embarrassing, too close, too whiney, too demanding and so on and so forth.  And there really is nothing I can do about it, even though I try.
   I feel guilty a lot. I keep remembering past mistakes, thinking about all of the things I could have done better. And lately I feel like I’m the worst friend in the world. My best friend is always here for me, even though I haven’t really told her how sad I truly feel all of the time. But well, I don’t think I’m there enough for her. I’m always thinking about my own problems, but some weeks ago I realized that I think she might be feeling down too. Like me, she’s often tired and she often complains in subtle ways about things going on at home (her parents are divorced) or about other things going on in her life. I’m just starting to think that she’s feeling a lot worse than she lets on. And I feel awful for not noticing earlier and for not knowing how to help her! Because unlike me, she has real reasons for being sad, and she deserves a friend who can help her much more than I can! I just feel like I’m letting her down, but I don’t know what to do about it! I don’t know how I can help her with all of these thoughts running through my own head!  I truly am an awful friend. I talk to people in school, and it’s not like I sit by myself all day, but after school I just never feel like being with friends – I just feel like going home. When people text me, I honestly wish they didn’t, because I don’t feel like texting back. I just want to be alone.
   My oldest sister, who is 18, also has actual problems and real reasons for being sad. I love my sister so much, and she’s probably the person I look most up to in the entire world. Often my family says I’m like a mini copy of her, which I guess I am. She loves heavy metal music, she’s the one who introduced me to it, and now I love heavy metal music. She’s a gigantic bookworm who also loves writing her own fantasy stories – well, me too. But my sister has had a lot of social problems – she hasn’t had many friends, but I think it’s gotten better lately. She has Tourette’s syndrome, not the kind where she sprouts out random words and noises, but she’s constantly twitching and ticking and I know she hates it. Also, she has had a lot of trouble in school, especially in math, and as I’ve said earlier, she hasn’t had many friends. So, you see, my sister has real reasons for having a hard time, and I do know that she’s had a depression, but I don’t know if she still does – she seems pretty happy lately.
   But what I hate, is that I really am a copy of my sister, and I feel like I’ve stolen her life in some way; that I’m not a real person,  just a shadow of my sister. But I can’t help it! This is who I really want to be, who I really am, so why does my family always have to say I’m like a copy of my sister when I’m really just being me! Why can’t I just be me? And why can’t my sister be happy? She’s a wonderful person and I don’t get why she has so few friends! She deserves a lot better!
   I just don’t know what to do. I haven’t ever really cut myself… Well, I once cut words into my thighs (FAKE and HELP) with a safety pin, but I don’t feel like that’s actual cutting, because, well, I used a safety pin and it didn’t even draw that much blood... Am I really depressed? I often ask myself that. “Or am I just an attention-seeker? Is it just part of being a teenager? Does everybody go through this? WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH ME?”
I often get these small breakdowns alone in my room, and in the end I always feel empty, numb, tired and pathetic. Because I don’t think I’m depressed. I’m just trying to be, but I don’t know why! I don’t know why I won’t just let myself be happy! Gods, I hate this!
   I know I should probably tell somebody about all of this, but I just don’t know how to explain it them.
So my question is: is there really something wrong with me? I mean, am I really depressed or do I on some subconscious level just want attention? Please, if you have any advice that could help me out of this dark tunnel, I would appreciate it so, so much.

[Luminosity_P]

I really recommend talking to someone. Talk to a counsellor at school or find a therapist. If you can find someone you trust to talk about some of these things it could go a long way to feel better. I saw a huge difference after finding a great therapist ( it took a couple of crappy ones to find one that really fit for me). It's amazing how talking to someone who has no judgement and no prior knowledge of you, your family or situation. It's validating because your own experience is what is important. What you feel is how it is with the therapist because all they know if what you chose to tell them. It is very freeing.

I too suffered from similar thoughts about not understanding WHY I was sad when everything was pretty good in my life. Yet I still felt awful all the time. The sooner you talk to someone the sooner you can start to feel better. The fact that you wrote all this out is amazing. Good job on taking the first step.

Take care.

[Rorschach777]

We all start off thinking that our depression is a choice but nothing could be further from truth. Secondly, get help no matter if those around you think otherwise. Sometimes a light medication can make a difference. It's really awful to fall into the deep pit of sadness and despair. I'm there at least once a week, and that's too much for me.