I feel weak, I think I need help.

[killemwiththesmile]

I'm 19, and I'm currently in university and I work part time. I just got back from a "much needed " vacation and I have really had enough feeling the way I do. I can never get answers from doctors because they just tell me it's stress, how can I be stressed my entire life. Basically I think I need help, the closest thing I have it say is I think I'm depressed and that I've been depressed. Since I was maybe 14 I could remember. I had a lot of traumatic things Happen to me, involving homelessness, sexual and physical abuse from both strangers and family members. But I think it's more than that, and those things are just excuses. I have a very young mother who tries her best and always done her best and is still taking care of my little brothers. and she also has mental health problems. I just wish there was someone to help me, help my family. But I feel like I need to get outta this funk first. Some of the symptoms I have is that since I was at least 10 I always had bad dreams, and negative thoughts... I first noticed that when I was 8 I would always think of worst cases if I'm in a car, or In a bad situation I imagine myself dying or myself accidentally killing someone else. And Immediately don't feel afraid of the situation, even though I have night terrors every night, I enjoy sleeping. I feel it's better than my own reality. I've attempted suicide 3 times. Won't mention how, but I have a scar that goes along the vein on my left arm that I constantly lie about. And pills only made me sleep and left me very weak. I stopped eating last year, I have no reason I just feel grossed out by food I'm lactose so there isn't much for me to eat n enjoy anyways, unless it was the right time or I starved myself for to long, 8 months ago my mother introduced me to feeling comfortable smoking weed, Which allowed me to eat but never helped get my appetite back and put my negative thoughts away for a few minutes. I feel like my mind is constantly telling me to give up, like subconsciously I don't want to live but I almost feel like I have to... But don't deserve to.

I just need help. I don't know how much longer I can fight myself. I love my family and everything they do, but I just can't help myself anymore. Sometimes I feel better off.
I've contacted doctors and talk to people, I never tell them the intimates but it feel like reaching out is the first step, finding someone to listen and help is the beginning. So I'm taking a chance on here.

I really appreciate you taking the time to read this.

[killemwiththesmile]

I found out i have an anxeity disorder and OCD. thank you so very much for your reply. unfortunately i took my life into my own hands and was forced into a mental institution. which i am happy i know what it is, but upset that it is more than just life, its a chemical imbalance in my brain.

[Naturally_happy]

I know my situation is not as complicated as yours. I had an injury that left me unable to walk for more than 10 minutes. I was so depressed that i didnt want to live even though i had a child that i knew loved me. I was so desperate that i drove myself to the dr even though i was not physically capable. Even pressing on the gas was painful.
The dr put me  on antidepressants which helped A LOT FOR A YEAR. After visiting many drs in 3 different states they found the problem.   i finally had surgery . i continued taking antidepressants but overall i was feeling worse everyday. i was switched from Pristiq to Prozac and that was when all hell broke lose!
The dr tried to switch me from one medication to another but  My body could not take it. i had an overdose. That was enough for me! Prestiq + prozac.
I decided to take charge of my life ( i have a beautiful daughter) and a husband that is waiting to file for divorce bc of my emotional state of mind. I  started reading a lot. I found out about SAM-e ( natural compound in ur body) that has been use for depression and anxiety.  It is sold over the counter even though in the rest of the world u find it as a prescription only!
My mood is fantastic. Im calm and at peace.
So far things ate going well, and if he feels like leaving now, i know i will be ok
.I believe this compound has HELPED A LOT AND I WANT OTHER PEOPLE TO GET HELP AS WELL!
Good luck!
I also exercise everyday (RUN RUN RUN)and take aminoacids, 5htp, valerian root
I MADE A PROMISE... if i got out of this dark hole, i was going to post my story everywhere!!!
By the way, i also have a mother with same issues. I go to counseling and READ A TON looking for solution and for people's comments about what has helped them.
Good luck!