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I hate my existence
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I hate my existence

I am Bipolar 2 with Major Depression.  I have been on meds since I was 12 years old.  I have been on every medication you could think of.  I have been to tons of psychiatrists.  I have had a year and a half of ECT.  I am now participating in a study at Stanford for TMS.  It seems as if I get better for a small amount of time-about 9 months tops-before I fall into a hole again.  I am 32 years old, with a 3 and a half year old son.  I am a single mother.  Right now, I don't even have a job and am being supported by my parents.  My apartment is a mess.  I am so completely unorganized-I always have been.  I hate my life.  I even hate my son at times.  I feel horribly guilty not being "present" for him.  He was the reason I jumped into ECT in the first place.  I worked, but, like everything else, only temporarily.  I don't get manic.  My mania is rage.  I feel it within my whole body: my head pounds, my insides twist, by blood gets flows hot.  When I am deep in my depression, I won't be seen in public unless I absolutely have to.  Every noise, every movement sets me off.  Then I just curl up on the floor and cry.  My son sees me, and comes up to me, hugs me, and asks me if I am sad.  When I nod my head, he hugs me and tells me, "Mommy, I love you very much.  It's ok to cry if you're sad.  Do you want a sticker?" and he usually goes and gets me a tissue and a sticker.  He's 3.  He shouldn't feel like he has to help me or take care of me.  Then I get furious with him later for something stupid, like jumping on his bed, or taking his shoes off in the car.  I honestly think sometimes he'd be better off without me.  I think about putting him in a foster home.  But I am the only parent he has ever known.  His father left when he was 1 month old.  And I myself was adopted, which has affected me my whole life.  I just can't help thinking, is this it?  Is this the way my life will always be?  Once I get some kind of footing in life, the rug gets pulled out from under me, and I fall on my face.  Always.  From age 8 to 12, I used to lock myself in the bathroom and punch, scratch, slap ,yself and pull my hair as hard as I could, all the while staring in the mirror, saying, "I hate you.  You fat ugly stupid piece of ****".  I know this all sounds hard to believe, but this has been my life.  And I hate it.  And now I'm affecting an innocent being, and I feel awful about it, which makes me even more depressed.  I just don't know what to do anymore.  I can't live this this, at least for my son.  But i can't seem to ever snap out of it, either.  I don't know what I'm asking for on here.  A safe place to tell my story?  A place to vent?  Some good advice?  I just don't know.
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I know it is hard, but try to make changes one by one, get involved in your own life.


You can only replace a habit with another habit, make changes to your life slowly one day at a time, don't be mad at your son, walk away, get some adults involved in your life in any way you can.  Don't take it out on him.
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