I am Bipolar 2 with Major Depression. I have been on meds since I was 12 years old. I have been on every medication you could think of. I have been to tons of psychiatrists. I have had a year and a half of ECT. I am now participating in a study at Stanford for TMS. It seems as if I get better for a small amount of time-about 9 months tops-before I fall into a hole again. I am 32 years old, with a 3 and a half year old son. I am a single mother. Right now, I don't even have a job and am being supported by my parents. My apartment is a mess. I am so completely unorganized-I always have been. I hate my life. I even hate my son at times. I feel horribly guilty not being "present" for him. He was the reason I jumped into ECT in the first place. I worked, but, like everything else, only temporarily. I don't get manic. My mania is rage. I feel it within my whole body: my head pounds, my insides twist, by blood gets flows hot. When I am deep in my depression, I won't be seen in public unless I absolutely have to. Every noise, every movement sets me off. Then I just curl up on the floor and cry. My son sees me, and comes up to me, hugs me, and asks me if I am sad. When I nod my head, he hugs me and tells me, "Mommy, I love you very much. It's ok to cry if you're sad. Do you want a sticker?" and he usually goes and gets me a tissue and a sticker. He's 3. He shouldn't feel like he has to help me or take care of me. Then I get furious with him later for something stupid, like jumping on his bed, or taking his shoes off in the car. I honestly think sometimes he'd be better off without me. I think about putting him in a foster home. But I am the only parent he has ever known. His father left when he was 1 month old. And I myself was adopted, which has affected me my whole life. I just can't help thinking, is this it? Is this the way my life will always be? Once I get some kind of footing in life, the rug gets pulled out from under me, and I fall on my face. Always. From age 8 to 12, I used to lock myself in the bathroom and punch, scratch, slap ,yself and pull my hair as hard as I could, all the while staring in the mirror, saying, "I hate you. You fat ugly stupid piece of ****". I know this all sounds hard to believe, but this has been my life. And I hate it. And now I'm affecting an innocent being, and I feel awful about it, which makes me even more depressed. I just don't know what to do anymore. I can't live this this, at least for my son. But i can't seem to ever snap out of it, either. I don't know what I'm asking for on here. A safe place to tell my story? A place to vent? Some good advice? I just don't know.
I know it is hard, but try to make changes one by one, get involved in your own life.
You can only replace a habit with another habit, make changes to your life slowly one day at a time, don't be mad at your son, walk away, get some adults involved in your life in any way you can. Don't take it out on him.
Copyright 1994-2016 MedHelp International. All rights reserved.
MedHelp is a division of Aptus Health.
This site complies with the HONcode standard for trustworthy health information.
The Content on this Site is presented in a summary fashion, and is intended to be used for educational and entertainment purposes only. It is not intended to be and should not be interpreted as medical advice or a diagnosis of any health or fitness problem, condition or disease; or a recommendation for a specific test, doctor, care provider, procedure, treatment plan, product, or course of action. Med Help International, Inc. is not a medical or healthcare provider and your use of this Site does not create a doctor / patient relationship. We disclaim all responsibility for the professional qualifications and licensing of, and services provided by, any physician or other health providers posting on or otherwise referred to on this Site and/or any Third Party Site. Never disregard the medical advice of your physician or health professional, or delay in seeking such advice, because of something you read on this Site. We offer this Site AS IS and without any warranties. By using this Site you agree to the following Terms and Conditions. If you think you may have a medical emergency, call your physician or 911 immediately.